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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD secretly seeing her dad

151 replies

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 18:22

I have one DD, she turned 17 earlier this month. Her dad and I divorced around her 3rd birthday, he had been having an affair for over a year, was emotionally abusive and controlling. He intermittently had contact until she was around 5, then moved to London. I heard he moved back 3 years ago, with a wife and 2 kids. I was told he was living in a little village near our town (also small), I've seen him around.
DD is on holiday with her boyfriend/his family right now, has been for a week and a bit. Today I decided to take some parcels that have arrived for her over the week up to her room, usually I don't go into her room but the parcels were cluttering the living room. She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them. Her friends had wrote some really lovely things etc. Then I got to a card which didn't say much but was signed "Lots of Love Dad, "wife" and "kids". I deal with the mail and the only posted cards were from my sister and a friend who lives down south, so he must have given her this in person.
DD works in a local restaurant, is always out with friends or at her boyfriends, so it is entirely possible she is secretly seeing him. I don't know where she is 100% of the time. She gets back on Sunday, and I'm devastated if he is seeing her, he was no where to be seen for years, no maintenance, no cards, zero fs. I have raised her alone. He made my life miserable for years. I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about. I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken, how should I go about this?

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 30/08/2023 18:26

Leave her alone, she's 17 and wants contact with her dad.

I get why this has upset you but you have to remember it's not about you. She didn't choose to be born to two parents who divorced and she has a right to a relationship with both of them.

And the whole 'I deal with the mail' thing is strange anyway. You could've been out while the mail was delivered, not that it matters.

What you need to do now is support her if/when she tells you she's in contact with him.

Chantholtmouse · 30/08/2023 18:26

Wow. You are being completely unreasonable. This is 100% your daughter's decision IF she is seeing him. Stay out of it or you'll lose your own relationship with her. Children have every right to have a relationship with both parents, regardless of the background or the other parent's feelings on this.

Backtothe90ties · 30/08/2023 18:29

Please don’t tell her off or that trust has been broken it will only look like you are bitter and will likely reinforce things he may have been saying to her anyway.

She has every right to see her Dad and if he is as big an idiot as you’ve said she’ll find out for herself. Just be there for her without judgement.

I say this as someone in a completely similar situation to yourself. My DD eventually met her Dad around the same age. I supported her and never made her feel as though it should be a secret. I was devastated but she deserves to know her heritage. He messed it up all by himself and although she still sees him she doesn’t make a huge effort and only wants to see her siblings really.

She has done nothing wrong. Don’t take your anger with him out on her.

lap90 · 30/08/2023 18:29

It's not about you.
Just leave it.

Maray1967 · 30/08/2023 18:30

You’re out of line here. She’s done it behind your back because she knows you’ll not allow it. But however useless he was in the past she has a right to see him. If you handle this wrong, putting your feelings first, you risk losing her. Take a step back and have a calm discussion with her. You can explain your concerns about his unreliability to her, meaning how you’re concerned he might let her down, and you’re worried for her, but you can’t make it about you.

LilyLemonade · 30/08/2023 18:31

She has a right to a relationship with her father. You say nothing and you deal with your own feelings about it separately.

Gazelda · 30/08/2023 18:32

Remember how controlling he was to you?

If you tell her she's broken your trust, and tell her that you don't want up her seeing him, can't you see how you're replicating the control pattern?

KateyCuckoo · 30/08/2023 18:32

Wow you're massively overstepping the mark! Keep your beak out and leave her alone.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/08/2023 18:32

I understand how you feel and I completely agree with you, but like it or not he is her dad and they both clearly want a relationship at this point. He doesn't deserve her that's for sure but she wants a relationship maybe with him and his family. She's old enough to make that decision but it's a shame she didn't feel she could talk to you about it. Pretty sure she didn't want to hurt you.
Their relationship now will bear no relationship to the one you had with him and you should just let her be. Don't make her feel guilty that's not fair.

Testina · 30/08/2023 18:34

“She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them.”

How is reading her personal cards justified by your missing her? My teen would find that intrusive. Wouldn’t leave out anything I couldn’t read blah blah blah… but would still think it was intrusive and I shouldn’t go through her things.

And now you’re planning to give her the, “my trust is broken” lecture?
You have no idea how much more there is to it than the card.
Plus it’s her own father. Even if he is an Arsehole.
If she’s been secretive, it’s because of this kind of reaction.

Park your own shit. Tell her you saw the card and ask her how if she minds talking about him. Find out what’s going on first, and listen to her. It’s not her fault he’s an Arsehole, and it sounds like it’s not only her fault she’s felt she needs to be secretive.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/08/2023 18:36

I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken,

I wouldn't do this.
The first part is ok if you're confident that she's not going to turn it back to you and be angry that you read her cards.
The last part is unreasonable.
I assume that she knows that the divorce was acrimonious and you don't get along with her dad. If she'd confided into you that she wanted to reach out to her dad or that he'd reached out to her then how would you have reacted? I can only imagine how awkward it might have been to bring it up. How much have you discussed the past with her ?

I am sorry for what you went through but at the end of the day she wants to see her Dad and you can't stop her.

I would either

  • tell her you know and while you're not happy, you'd like her to be honest about her whereabouts (ie draw a line under your discovery )
or
  • pretend that you don't know.

If a discussion about this is likely to kick off then you risk her going to him immediately (possibly permanently) It's human nature to be curious and you sadly can't stop him hurting her or letting her down.

NewName122 · 30/08/2023 18:37

Yabvu op. Very unreasonable.

electriclight · 30/08/2023 18:38

She couldn't tell you because she knew what your reaction would be. Now you need to prove her wrong or she'll never tell you anything again.

My advice would be to support her with this. The poor kid shouldn't be sneaking around to see her dad. She doesn't remember the abuse or what he did to you. He's told her a sanitised version of why he went awol that she's desperate to believe. She has siblings she wants to know. You don't have to forgive him or have anything to do with him but anything other than facilitating and supporting contact is wrong imo. And pointless because she'll see him anyway but just hate you for the obstruction. If he's awful, she'll figure it out.

Although - couldn't he have given the card to someone else to give her? Is she in touch with his parents?

Toottooot · 30/08/2023 18:39

I wonder why she felt the need to keep it from you 🙄

Nottodaty · 30/08/2023 18:41

You’ve broken your daughter trust by reading things in her bedroom. Things on display in a shared area in the house is fine but her bedroom is a no.

There will be a reason if she has kept it to her self (which she is allowed to) it could be she wanted time to process her own feelings without being judged or clouded comments from you.

You’re allowed to feel the way you do about him, but he is her Dad. Be proud of her and the fact you have bought up a lovely daughter without him..

notlucreziaborgia · 30/08/2023 18:42

It isn’t about you. No matter what you think of him, no matter what you think she should feel, he’s her father and she has the right to her own thoughts and feelings in regards to him, and the right to form her own relationship with him independent of you.

Approaching · 30/08/2023 18:42

Honestly OP you should never have created a situation where she had to lie about seeing her father in the first place. Give her fair warning of how he treated you - yes. But you should always have been supportive of them having a relationship if she wanted it.

Also, forget her having broken your trust, she won’t trust you again if she finds out you were snooping in her room when she was out.

She’s not a pet you own, she’s almost an adult. This is a time when the relationship between parents and their children is very delicate, don’t stomp all over it.

harriethoyle · 30/08/2023 18:54

You sound like a nightmare. She's 50% him. By berating her for seeing her own father, you're rejecting half of her. No bloody wonder she kept it secret from you. Back off or you'll risk losing her completely with your control freakery.

LakeTiticaca · 30/08/2023 18:54

Yanbu for being upset about it. My son was the same, EX didn't bother for years then all.of a sudden when ds was 16, ex started taking an interest in him. DS had not had a birthday or Xmas pressie off him for years, he never paid a penny in child support, basically he did nothing. DS seemed to want to spend more time with ex than at home. It used to piss me off but I said nothing. It didn't take long for ex to reveal his true colours and Ds phased out contact and now hasn't seen him for over a decade.
Your DD will probably realise the same eventually,OP, but in the meantime it's probably best to say nothing xx

Sirzy · 30/08/2023 18:58

If you approach her and tell you have been snooping and found it out then you’re just going to push her away.

she is 17, she doesn’t need to tell you everything. You may not like that but it’s true

Daffodil18 · 30/08/2023 18:58

Your reaction is the reason she hasn’t told you. It doesn’t matter what happened between the two of you, he is her dad and if she wants a relationship with him and he wants one with her then that is good for her mentally.

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2023 18:58

I'd be more upset that I was so unreasonable and unapproachable that my dd felt she couldn't tell me that she was seeing her dad

ChocolateCinderToffee · 30/08/2023 18:59

Well, you shouldn't have gone snooping in the first place.

Dotcheck · 30/08/2023 19:00

lap90 · 30/08/2023 18:29

It's not about you.
Just leave it.

Exactly this

iolaus · 30/08/2023 19:00

At the end of the day do you love your daughter more than you hate your ex?

If so then you have to be there for her and pick up the pieces if things go wrong

I probably would tell her that I knew and that I was disappointed that she hadn't felt she could tell me that her dad had been in touch because I would never stand in between their relationship,