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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD secretly seeing her dad

151 replies

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 18:22

I have one DD, she turned 17 earlier this month. Her dad and I divorced around her 3rd birthday, he had been having an affair for over a year, was emotionally abusive and controlling. He intermittently had contact until she was around 5, then moved to London. I heard he moved back 3 years ago, with a wife and 2 kids. I was told he was living in a little village near our town (also small), I've seen him around.
DD is on holiday with her boyfriend/his family right now, has been for a week and a bit. Today I decided to take some parcels that have arrived for her over the week up to her room, usually I don't go into her room but the parcels were cluttering the living room. She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them. Her friends had wrote some really lovely things etc. Then I got to a card which didn't say much but was signed "Lots of Love Dad, "wife" and "kids". I deal with the mail and the only posted cards were from my sister and a friend who lives down south, so he must have given her this in person.
DD works in a local restaurant, is always out with friends or at her boyfriends, so it is entirely possible she is secretly seeing him. I don't know where she is 100% of the time. She gets back on Sunday, and I'm devastated if he is seeing her, he was no where to be seen for years, no maintenance, no cards, zero fs. I have raised her alone. He made my life miserable for years. I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about. I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken, how should I go about this?

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Testina · 30/08/2023 19:18

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

That shows quite a low emotional intelligence. Do not go in all guns blazing with that attitude.

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 30/08/2023 19:19

How is she aware of the type of man ( YOU say) he is?

Have you spent her childhood bad mouthing him to her?

GrumpyOldCrone · 30/08/2023 19:19

You feel how you feel, and I think your feelings are understandable. But no matter how awful he is, he’s still her father and she’s old enough to decide for herself if she wants contact with him.

Reading her birthday cards is an invasion of your daughter’s privacy. She’s not a little child any more and you need to acknowledge that.

ToughFuss · 30/08/2023 19:19

Also how ridiculous that you’re putting the argument you had with your daughter down to it being her dads words. Grow up for goodness sake.

notlucreziaborgia · 30/08/2023 19:19

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

He’s her father. They both seem to want to build a relationship with one another, and it is their right to do so. You don’t have to like it, but it’s not about you.

She’s entitled to have her own perspective on him, same as you are entitled to yours. You cannot demand that she shares your POV though.

AnneValentine · 30/08/2023 19:19

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

This is harsh but reading this all I can see why she’s lied to you.

It’s very clear that you wouldn’t have supported a relationship so she’s basically been forced to do this.

I think you should tell her you know with an apology that she didn’t feel able to come to you. That you understand her drive to know her father and siblings and you support her no matter what her choices. And leave at that.

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 30/08/2023 19:20

He has a wife and kids who presumably adore him.... that's your DD stepmum and brothers/sisters

Why try to deny her that... you will drive her away completely

howrudeforme · 30/08/2023 19:20

I’d just let her get on with it.

why would you tell her to reach out at 18. You’re talking months here.

all you will do is push her away from you.

my ex didn’t pay a penny in maintenance and has now left the country. Of course ds could see his dad whenever he wanted as I wouldn’t punish my kid for his father’s shit. I didn’t like it much but ds now has a taste of his father’s character and will do what he wishes in terms of a relationship with his dad. My role is to support him if he’s upset.

KrisAkabusi · 30/08/2023 19:21

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he's her father. Of course she wants to find out more about him, it's human nature.
And she was right that she had to do it behind your back. You just said you would have forbid it until she was eighteen. There isn't a child in the world that would go "ok then." and waited.

CremeEggThief · 30/08/2023 19:22

I think a lot of posters have been too harsh to the OP, but I do agree you have no right to come between DD and her dad now. She is old enough to pursue her own relationship with him, no matter how badly you feel you were treated.

notsorighteousthesedays · 30/08/2023 19:22

I understand why you feel so hurt - but it's because of what her father did to you both, not her being in touch with him now. Unfortunately you can't change the past. Don't alienate her because of him.

As for reading the birthday cards - that is perfectly acceptable in my house, and many others, if they are on display.

Is it possible just to say to her the truth in a low-key way - you were putting stuff in her room and looked at them? Then can you casually mention you saw one from her dad there too. And leave it at that.

Let her tell you all about her holiday first - don't spoil that.

In that way you have got into the open that you know he is in contact and she can talk about it in her own time....

Good luck, it is hard when you still want someone punished for the harm they caused but upsetting your daughter won't make you, or her, feel any better!

VN15 · 30/08/2023 19:23

Wow some of the responses on here are so harsh!

I completely get why you would feel upset about this but I think you should approach it with love and support. After all, you've been the one who's been there for her in his absence.

He wronged you but she has missed out on not having a father figure in her life. It could be possible that he wants to make things right but you should let decide if she wants a relationship with him or not as she will be an adult soon anyway.

DinnaeFashYersel · 30/08/2023 19:23

YABU

She has t told you because she clearly knew how you would react.

She's 17 and has a right to a relationship with him.

Tell her you know and tell her you support her decision and there's no need for secrecy.

chmod777 · 30/08/2023 19:24

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he's her dad? Because she's almost an adult and in possession of the full facts so made an informed decision?

Go ahead and have a go at her when she gets back. Tell her you went through her things and forbid her from seeing him. Just don't complain if that makes her want to spend more time with him and less time with you.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/08/2023 19:24

Chantholtmouse · 30/08/2023 18:26

Wow. You are being completely unreasonable. This is 100% your daughter's decision IF she is seeing him. Stay out of it or you'll lose your own relationship with her. Children have every right to have a relationship with both parents, regardless of the background or the other parent's feelings on this.

This.

You have put her in a horrible position where she feels that can't be honest with you that she is seeing her dad. You should be apologising to her for that.

Whatever he has done in the past, he's her dad, and she has a right to have a relationship with him on her own terms.

Skinthin · 30/08/2023 19:25

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he’s her dad! Literally everyone , apart from you apparently, knows why she’d want to see him. It’s the most understandable desire in the world.

OnAMidnightTrainToGeorgia · 30/08/2023 19:26

She's not just hot her Dad back in her life, she has a whole new family

Going to be a big draw for a teen

AnneShirleysNewDress · 30/08/2023 19:26

Choose to love your daughter more than you hate your ex or you risk losing her.

Perfect28 · 30/08/2023 19:28

Children lie, people lie. It's normal, don't get too worked up about this

FasciaDreams · 30/08/2023 19:29

YANBU to feel how you feel OP but there's no way you can mention this without sullying your relationship. Do you normally have a habit of reading things in your daughter's room?
It's not the fact they were on display it's that you read every single one of them rather than just having a glance.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 30/08/2023 19:29

You don't have any power here. She can see him and talk to him whenever she wants.
She can walk out of your house and into his and there'd be nothing you can do about it.

Be calm.
Your relationship with him is not the one she's having with him.

You need to accept that they may grow very close.
He may become a fixed person in your life.
He may walk her down the aisle.
He may be Grandad and his wife grandma.

If you want a healthy relationship with her. Independent of him you really need to not fuck this part up

Cas112 · 30/08/2023 19:29

The trust is broken also by you

He's her father, she has to make her own decisions in regards to him.

saraclara · 30/08/2023 19:30

She couldn't tell you because she knew what your reaction would be.

That. And clearly she was absolutely right.

You deal with any teenaged behaviours like you would if you hadn't seen the card. Stop looking to blame her dad.

Seriously, the very moment that you mention the card in any way at all, you'll have lost her. And if he has been saying anything negative, in her eyes you'll have proved him right.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/08/2023 19:31

How dare you think you have a right to tell her she can't see her own father.

Your relationship and history with him is completely irrelevant. She has every right to a relationship with her own father.

You should be taking a very hard look at yourself and determining why she's felt she has to keep this secret - which, by the way, she's absolutely right about seeing as you've stated you wouldn't allow her to see him until she was 18. Not your decision to make! - then once you've unpicked that, the absolute only thing you should do is let her know you know, apologise for looking through her belongings, and most importantly apologise sincerely that she felt you would have reacted badly and that she felt forced to keep this from you. Tell her it's entirely her choice if she wants to see him, that she has every right to do so, and that if she ever wants to talk about it you're there to listen. Mean it. Then back the hell off and let her make her own choices.

Itick8outof10boxes · 30/08/2023 19:33

Unless this handled very carefully it could rebound on you big time. She is nearly an adult and able to make her own choices with regards to her father.
Just be there for her if it all goes pear shaped but fgs don't tell her I told you so if it does.

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