Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD secretly seeing her dad

151 replies

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 18:22

I have one DD, she turned 17 earlier this month. Her dad and I divorced around her 3rd birthday, he had been having an affair for over a year, was emotionally abusive and controlling. He intermittently had contact until she was around 5, then moved to London. I heard he moved back 3 years ago, with a wife and 2 kids. I was told he was living in a little village near our town (also small), I've seen him around.
DD is on holiday with her boyfriend/his family right now, has been for a week and a bit. Today I decided to take some parcels that have arrived for her over the week up to her room, usually I don't go into her room but the parcels were cluttering the living room. She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them. Her friends had wrote some really lovely things etc. Then I got to a card which didn't say much but was signed "Lots of Love Dad, "wife" and "kids". I deal with the mail and the only posted cards were from my sister and a friend who lives down south, so he must have given her this in person.
DD works in a local restaurant, is always out with friends or at her boyfriends, so it is entirely possible she is secretly seeing him. I don't know where she is 100% of the time. She gets back on Sunday, and I'm devastated if he is seeing her, he was no where to be seen for years, no maintenance, no cards, zero fs. I have raised her alone. He made my life miserable for years. I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about. I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken, how should I go about this?

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Herbiebanannas · 30/08/2023 19:33

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:10

Okay so everyone thinks I just shouldn't say anything at all?
I don't like the thought of her lying to me about where she is, she's 17, not an adult yet.
If she had coke to me about it I'd have said she could reach out at 18, I don't want her being hurt while she's still a child and frankly if I know him he's probably filling her head with lies about me.

Before the holiday we got into a silly argument and she screamed at me "you think you're the best mum and you're just not" which really hurt me but now I'm wondering if it's coming from him.

When did you last have a reasonable conversation with the guy and spend some time together?

People can change A LOT in over a decade. Personally I would be giving him the benefit of the doubt for her sake until such time as he proves otherwise rather than judging him on behaviour from year ago.

Many here will probably disagree though.

saraclara · 30/08/2023 19:35

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

So you've been giving her chapter and verse? That's incredibly unfair on her. She has half his genes, so even if you say he's worthless or whatever, you're making her feel bad about half of herself.

He's her dad. She wants to know him precisely because she's half him. Same as adopted kids want to meet their birth parents when they get to this age. It's an existential urge.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 19:36

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he's her dad!

Danielle9891 · 30/08/2023 19:38

I would feel hurt as well but I don't think there's anything you can do. If you say bad things about him and try to make her stop seeing him then she'll resent you for it. You knew him 12 years ago so he could have changed. If he hasn't changed then she'll soon see for herself what he is like and she'll realise that you're the one who's always been there for her.

Side note I think most teens would be annoyed if their parents were reading messages that their friends have left them. Whether it's on a birthday card, email or text it's an invasion of their privacy. So I wouldn't admit you've read it.

Bookish88 · 30/08/2023 19:38

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

If by this it's fair to assume that you've spent her childhood bad mouthing him, then that's a despicable thing to have done. She has a right to make up her own mind about the type of person he is by forming her own relationship with him.

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/08/2023 19:39

Although it must feel like a punch in the stomach you need to let her do this. He may show his true colours but they may also develop a healthy relationship.

I wonder if the not telling you is to protect you? Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt you. Try not to assume the worst.
Did she know that you knew that he had moved nearby? Did you discuss your thoughts on their relationship?

Merrymumoftwo · 30/08/2023 19:40

Like a PP I had this with my son. I found out when he left his phone in the front room by mine and a message came through.

I let him know I had seen it and I apologised that he hadn’t felt able to let me know they were talking. Yes it hurt, yes I knew he would be unreliable and most likely be let down but he was 16 at the time and needing to make his own choices and I would rather he know I was there for him than have him feel like he couldn’t come to me when that happened and it did two years later. It’s okay to be hurt but it’s more important to be there for your child and at 17 let her see what he is like for herself. Also important that when it goes wrong you resist the urge to say I told you so

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2023 19:40

You will be making the mistake of a lifetime if you confront her about this. At 17, she has every right to make decisions about who she chooses to have in her life, and your relationship with her father was your relationship, not hers. This is her dad, like it or not.

Don't say something stupid you will not be able to take back.

Halfemptyhalfling · 30/08/2023 19:41

Don't necessarily assume she is seeing him - the card might have arrived via a third party.

He may have changed since you last saw him.

It might be good to have a general chat about how to extricate yourself from difficult situations. It's good if he'd moved close as you or someone else could collect her if necessary.

So it's probably worth having a chat with her but try and be neutral.

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 19:42

After my divorce my exh stopped seeing DC once he met someone else. DS 1 was 16 at the time and it gutted him his Dad was always too busy to see him. He stopped paying child maintenance too and I had to go through CMS, eventually they got his employer to deduct money from salary. DS1 refused to have anything to do with his Dad for about 12 years. I helped DS1 with the deposit and he moved up North where he could afford to buy a house. He's been there for almost 2 years. DS rang a few weeks ago to let me know his Dad has asked his younger brother to give him his phone number. His younger brother still sees his Dad on his Dad's terms. I leave them to it. I've told his younger son not to give his older brother's mobile number to his Dad but instead give his brother his Dad's number if his Dad agrees. All hell has broken loose. Exh has screamed at me on home phone I'm interfering in his relationship with son 1. Now son 1 has rang and asked me what he should do. Much as I think his Dad will only hurt him again I've told him to please himself. I've no idea what he will do but I've told son 1 I don't want to know either way. DS2 told me his Dad has invited both sons to visit him over Xmas. It feels like a kick in the teeth but it has to be his decision. Deep down he knows his Dad is not reliable. I know both boys would choose to spend Xmas day with me not their Dad but not sure if they will visit him maybe Boxing day.

Skinthin · 30/08/2023 19:42

AnneShirleysNewDress · 30/08/2023 19:26

Choose to love your daughter more than you hate your ex or you risk losing her.

Choose to love your daughter more than you hate your ex

This is all the advice you need. Heed it.

Rachie1973 · 30/08/2023 19:43

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:10

Okay so everyone thinks I just shouldn't say anything at all?
I don't like the thought of her lying to me about where she is, she's 17, not an adult yet.
If she had coke to me about it I'd have said she could reach out at 18, I don't want her being hurt while she's still a child and frankly if I know him he's probably filling her head with lies about me.

Before the holiday we got into a silly argument and she screamed at me "you think you're the best mum and you're just not" which really hurt me but now I'm wondering if it's coming from him.

You don’t get to tell her when she can reach out to him!

It’s her decision to make!

Clymene · 30/08/2023 19:45

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

What she knows is the type of man you think he is. She's 17 and she wants to make up her own mind and judge him herself, based on her interactions.

She has siblings. And he may have changed. God knows plenty of men are absolutely shit dads to their first families and great ones to their second ones.

I'm wondering if she left the card out hoping you'd see it and start a conversation with you? Is that likely?

If so, I'd ask her gently about it - very objective tone of voice - and make it very clear that it's absolutely her decision if she wants to see him and build a relationship with him.

Because it is. And if you start laying down the law, you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. So squash down the hurt and be in her corner.

Conqueeftador · 30/08/2023 19:45

lap90 · 30/08/2023 18:29

It's not about you.
Just leave it.

This.

pjani · 30/08/2023 19:46

I would confess you looked at her cards (and apologise for it) and found out she is contact with her dad.

A PP in a similar situation said sorry that their child didn’t feel comfortable telling them about it and I think that’s beautiful and the right approach. And reassure them that you love them and are there for them if they ever need you.

Definitely don’t keep it a secret that you know.

Secrets hover in the air and get in the way of things.

TheBarbieEffect · 30/08/2023 19:46

YABVU.

It doesn’t matter if they’re “just” birthday cards, you had no right to go through her things.

She hasn’t told you about this because she knows how you’ll react, which means you’ve let your negative feelings about her father known to her over the years while she’s been growing up. That is out of order.

It’s nothing to do with you if she wants to see him. He’s her father, they have every right to contact each other.

Rachie1973 · 30/08/2023 19:47

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he is her Father. She doesn’t need another reason. I should imagine there’s a natural curiosity.

FewerAndLess · 30/08/2023 19:47

I feel so sorry for this girl. Having to sneak around to stay in touch with her own dad.

Ascendant15 · 30/08/2023 19:48

I hear your version of this, and I'm sure it's true. What would it look like to someone else - say your daughter. You went in her room whilst she was away. You went through her cards ( and what else? ). You don't think she had a right to have contact with her father and his family. You now wonder about her lying about many other things. You want to tell her that you don't trust her.

And you think he will be the one that comes across as controlling?

Do this and you will drive her away, and you can hardly blame her. Say nothing. Do nothing. She will tell you in her own time.

TheBarbieEffect · 30/08/2023 19:50

And yes, the questions you should be asking yourself are: why doesn’t my child feel comfortable enough to come to me with this? What have I done wrong and is it possible I can fix it?

PossiblyPertunia · 30/08/2023 19:50

The reason she hasn't told you is because of exactly the way you've reacted. She has every right to see/have a relationship with her dad even if he is an asshole.
I would tell her you know. But you cannot be angry as that will just push her further away and mean she is more likely to lie to you again in the future.

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 19:52

OP, is getting a hard time but she's brought her DD up alone and only just found out her DD is seeing her Dad. Her DD is out she can't speak to her about it. It's probably the shock making her seem angry. Once she sleeps on it I'm sure she will take on board the good advice offered. When things come out of the blue it takes a little while to get your head around it.

jlpth · 30/08/2023 19:52

Difficult situation. At 17, she probably isn’t going to be aware of the extent of the hard work/sacrifice etc that you’ve put into parenting. But if she met/meets him, he’ll be on his best behaviour and no doubt charming. Wonder if the card contained money.

Next time she says that you’re not as great mum as you think etc, reply that you have always been there for her, without fail, no matter what.

Notgreatreally · 30/08/2023 19:54

pjani · 30/08/2023 19:46

I would confess you looked at her cards (and apologise for it) and found out she is contact with her dad.

A PP in a similar situation said sorry that their child didn’t feel comfortable telling them about it and I think that’s beautiful and the right approach. And reassure them that you love them and are there for them if they ever need you.

Definitely don’t keep it a secret that you know.

Secrets hover in the air and get in the way of things.

Teenagers have a way of romanticising things and she could be thinking it’s exciting in a twisted way keeping this secret from you (especially if he has endorsed this).

Apologise for finding out but try and be non-plused about it and have a grown up conversation. Tell her again why you don’t want to have any involvement but tell her her relationship is entirely different so you’ll support her in whatever relationship she wants with her dad.

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/08/2023 19:56

As a PP pointed out- she may not be seeing him. He could have given the card to a friend or at her work.