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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD secretly seeing her dad

151 replies

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 18:22

I have one DD, she turned 17 earlier this month. Her dad and I divorced around her 3rd birthday, he had been having an affair for over a year, was emotionally abusive and controlling. He intermittently had contact until she was around 5, then moved to London. I heard he moved back 3 years ago, with a wife and 2 kids. I was told he was living in a little village near our town (also small), I've seen him around.
DD is on holiday with her boyfriend/his family right now, has been for a week and a bit. Today I decided to take some parcels that have arrived for her over the week up to her room, usually I don't go into her room but the parcels were cluttering the living room. She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them. Her friends had wrote some really lovely things etc. Then I got to a card which didn't say much but was signed "Lots of Love Dad, "wife" and "kids". I deal with the mail and the only posted cards were from my sister and a friend who lives down south, so he must have given her this in person.
DD works in a local restaurant, is always out with friends or at her boyfriends, so it is entirely possible she is secretly seeing him. I don't know where she is 100% of the time. She gets back on Sunday, and I'm devastated if he is seeing her, he was no where to be seen for years, no maintenance, no cards, zero fs. I have raised her alone. He made my life miserable for years. I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about. I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken, how should I go about this?

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

SugarPlumRoar · 30/08/2023 20:58

Your reaction here is exactly why your daughter hasn't told you. She knew you would react like this.

Regardless of what he was like to you, you shouldn't have said anything negative about her father so that in your words she knows what he's like, nor should it be your choice or influence if she sees him or not.

You're trampling over your daughters boundaries here including the reading of her personal birthday cards.

Change your ways now OP or you risk a permanently damaged and strained relationship with your daughter now and in her adult life

Motnight · 30/08/2023 21:11

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

I bet

JhsLs · 30/08/2023 21:15

I’ve not read all the responses but I think people are being ridiculously harsh. I can understand why you are upset and feel betrayed. But please remember that it is him that has treated you (and her) badly and she is at no fault whatsoever. If you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at him. 17 is still so young and impressionable and sadly, if he is influencing her into saying vile things to you, all too soon she will realise what kind of person he is. You probably feel like you’ve already had to bide your time with the truth but now she is on the verge of adulthood you really have to allow her to forge a relationship if that is want she wants and discover for herself what kind of person he really is. I would find this extremely hard. I doubt very much it will be easy for you but I’m sure you’ve been a fantastic mum to her so far and will continue to be so no matter what she chooses to do.
I would not tell her what you saw as she is unlikely to share anything with you in the future if she feels her privacy has been invaded. Keep lines of communication open and give her the opportunity to tell you if and when she will wants. I agree with the PP about venting to a close friend.

girlfriend44 · 30/08/2023 21:17

Leave it you'll lose her if not.

Up to her if she wants to see him. Life isn't always fair.

saraclara · 30/08/2023 21:24

@JhsLs people were only being harsh because OP seemed about to make a huge mistake, and they rushed in to basically yell "DON'T!!!!"

Of course it's hard for OP. But really, fronting up to her DD about 'lying', telling her that she no longer trusts her, and basically saying she shouldn't see her dad again would probably be the worst mistake we could witness on here.

I really really hope that OP understands that now, because she certainly didn't when posters first started telling her that.

Littlegoth · 30/08/2023 21:32

I’ve been in your daughter’s shoes. My mother handled it horribly, completely overstepped, interfered, and now I don’t speak to her , mainly due to the way she behaved.

JhsLs · 30/08/2023 21:40

saraclara · 30/08/2023 21:24

@JhsLs people were only being harsh because OP seemed about to make a huge mistake, and they rushed in to basically yell "DON'T!!!!"

I really really hope that OP understands that now, because she certainly didn't when posters first started telling her that.

I politely disagree. There is a way of phrasing things that doesn’t come across in the harsh way many of these posts have.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 30/08/2023 21:56

I don't go into my DC's room every day. They move between me and their dad - not at their choice I will say. But I do every few days when they're not here. Washing, bins, dealing with cat unpleasantness etc. Cards on display - no big deal. So I am free to look. But we don't have secrets in my home. That was my motto - the day my ex moved out. No secrets. Now post - that is interesting. Post arrives for my DC - if they are with their dad I text to advise. Normally if it is normal corporate post - no biggie but hand written without any corporate stamp that is really unusual so I always ask if I can open. Now I know their friends don't write to them so it is not likely to be super-personal. Normally DC will say yes that's fine. We have had applications to college, work etc, where time might be important. If they say No, that is fine I respect that. So different houses, different rules.

ActDottie · 30/08/2023 22:02

Bloody hell! Leave her alone. This isn’t about you. It’s about your 17 year old daughter having a relationship with her father.

PeachCastle · 30/08/2023 22:37

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2023 20:38

the way your brushing off having gone into her room and read her bday cards. Makes me think you give your dd no privacy and your dd has reason to keep quiet.

what difference would twelve months have made in your dd meeting up with her father?

she wants to meet him and get to know that side of her roots. Let her be.

you need it build trust and a close relationship with your dd if you want to maintain a relationship with her into adulthood.

The OP is clearly very controlling - " I deal with all the mail" she says in her first post, knows EXACTLY what cards poor DD received in the post. I doubt there were even any parcels to take up to DD's room - that's just OP's excuse to justify to MN her deliberate and intentional snooping in DD's room. If you miss your daughter you call or text, you don't creep around her room and pry into her personal correspondence. The only person in this scenario who has breached trust is the OP.

PeachCastle · 30/08/2023 23:02

viques · 30/08/2023 20:50

you deal with the post? What do you mean, steaming open her letters?Reading her postcards? Asking who letters are from?All you need to do when “dealing with the post” is to take the post that has your name on and leave the rest in a pile for her.

This is definitely what the OP does. The poor DD.

lto2019 · 30/08/2023 23:31

Had you not considered the possibility of this when you knew he was back in town and you saw him?
You seem to have spiralled from seeing a card to assuming they have a relationship - they might have a relationship or he might have just sent a card or got the card to her via another means.

I don't know what you mean by you deal with the mail - does your daughter never ever get post that you do not know about?

She's every right to see him and she might not have told you to avoid upsetting you. Despite the fact he was a complete arse to you - she will have often wondered what he was like - especially seeing friends with their dads.

She will figure it out if he remains a knob - you just need to remain steadfast and supportive. She can see him with or without your blessing but without is going to drive her away.

I would tell her the truth - I went to put your parcels in your room - read your birthday cards and saw their was one from your dad - that was a bit of a surprise - has he been in touch other than the card? Would you like to see him?

KajsaKavat · 30/08/2023 23:37

Selfish and unreasonable yes. Also I feel that you’ve been very clear about yojr feelings towards her dad or she wouldn’t have kept it secret…

Stomacharmeleon · 30/08/2023 23:42

@Ausstie I know how you feel but proceed with caution. I would tackle her about the contact but maybe over lunch not five minutes after she gets in.

You should be secure in the relationship you have with her. She knows you love her and is her mum but she is entitled to explore a relationship with her dad.

I say this because my sons have fathers who have not behaved well as they were growing, saw them intermittently and are just general fuck ups.

But it is not our role to impart that to them and it's important she has a safe non judgmental ear with you. Let her decide how she feels about it. Dad and new family will be a lot to take it.

Maybe she was trying to protect you rather than going out to lie to you?

Kpcs · 31/08/2023 00:29

You can’t make this decision for her and you are being unreasonable.

PMAmostofthetime · 31/08/2023 00:37

Hi OP, I disagree with a lot of these comments, if your daughter did not want you to know she wouldn’t have left that card out. I think she feels guilty that she’s hiding this from you and wanted you to find out.

I think you approach it differently and ask her if there’s anything she would like to tell you, listen to her side of the story and reassure her that although she may do things you don’t or won’t like that she can always tell you and you can both talk it through.
isn’t it best that she can come to you and talk about her relationship with her father so you can make sure she is safe and not controlled. Yes it’s hard but if she’s going to see him anyway wouldn’t you rather it be with you fully in the picture?

Namechange2222238858 · 31/08/2023 05:39

I think you need to do some introspection. The comment you made about “you think you’re the best mum and you’re not” coming from him is concerning to me. The first thing you’re doing when your daughter has complaints about your parenting is to completely deny any truth in what she’s said and jump to the conclusion that someone else has manipulated her into feeling this way. Isn’t it possible that she’s right and you’re not being a very good parent? Why wouldn’t you look at your own behaviour first instead of assuming she’s been indoctrinated by someone else into thinking you’re not a good parent? It smacks of arrogance.

Secondly, isn’t the most logical explanation that he simply dropped a card off at her work? Why are you assuming she’s having some sort of secret relationship with him? Couldn’t it just be that he misses his daughter and wants to make up for lost time?

millymollymoomoo · 31/08/2023 07:19

You’re treating her like a child but she’s 17? Who are you to say she can only see her dad when she’s 18? It’s not your choice. You should encourage her to see him

i get he’s hurt you but that’s your problem not hers and if she wants to see him that her decision and you should stay out of it.

and stop going in her room and nosing through her stuff ffs.

KajsaKavat · 31/08/2023 09:45

“I'm wondering if it's coming from him”

the way you have indoctrinated get to dislike him you mean???

you don’t get to talk badly about her dad or even explain why he isn’t a good dad, your daughter gets to make that decision all by herself.
if you carry on you are likely going to push her towards him.

also what difference does it make if she is hurt at 17 or 18, that’s just odd to make that rule.

Bertiesmum3 · 04/10/2023 14:58

You’ve broken your daughter’s trust by snooping in her room!
I can totally understand why if she is in contact with her dad she’s not told you, as she knew you’d be bitter and jealous about it!
Try to be the adult in this situation and be the bigger person!

Autumnbear · 04/10/2023 15:19

I can understand why you feel hurt, but this is her decision to make. How did you know he said you’re not a good mum? Maybe that’s her honest feeling? Or maybe she’s she feels you get her away from him?

Lavender14 · 04/10/2023 15:32

Op I think you need to process your feelings about this before she gets home because tbh I think this is very normal behaviour at her age.

Your exdh was an awful partner to you absolutely, but he's not really been around enough for her to get the full measure of him for herself so it's entirely plausible that she has questions about him that really only he can answer, and questions that it's very likely she feels she can't ask you or tell you about because she's loyal to you, she knows he hurt you and she's going out of her way to be secretive because she doesn't want to hurt you.

I think you need to swallow your own feelings first and then go to her from a calm and grounded place of curiosity. Tell her you weren't snooping but you missed her while she was away and you saw the card in her room. Tell her you're not angry and you love her but you were surprised and you want to catch up with her on what contact she's been having with her dad and how it's been going and see if there are any questions she wants to ask you. She's most likely done things this way to protect you first and foremost so you need to let her know that it is OK for her to talk about him with you and to be honest about her own feelings around it.

If she now has half siblings she has a whole extension to her family that she will be curious about and want to know.

I think it's very unfair that people are having a go and calling op unreasonable etc and that's why dd hasn't told her. I work with young people with complex family backgrounds and this is so common at that age and 99% of the time its nothing to do with the parent why they chose not to share that they were having contact with the ex. Its usually out of a misguided sense of loyalty after all op has done for her, feeling worried op might not feel she's enough for dd, feeling worried about triggering trauma and hurtful memories for op etc etc it doesn't mean op has been unreasonable in any way. But op it does mean you need to ground yourself and challenge her gently on feeling that way and let her know that while that's all natural to feel, she doesn't need to worry about you and you're happy to be open with her.

I would tell her the truth about what happened in a gentle way because if you think he's a danger to her then she needs to be aware of that. You will need to find the balance between telling her this and not leaving her in an 'I told you so' position should things go south and he turns out not to be who he's presented himself to be.

Mrsgreen100 · 14/11/2023 21:14

Be really careful, you could end up pushing her away , my ex had been coercively, controlling me for years and stealing from me for 20 years, and cheating on me for the best part of our relationship20 years
it all came to light I woke up chucked his violent abuse of bastard out.
my DD 20 still sees him they live in same city
he manipulates her etc
but she’s beginning to see him for what he is
its so hard but keep you powder dry
honestly best in the long run
dont tell her you read the cards
alton, I just need someone to be angry with right now it’s you probably but she’ll come back wiser eventually
just be the safe loving parent, set your boundaries but she’s your girl right

Mrsgreen100 · 14/11/2023 21:16

Typo !! All teenagers need to be angry with someone!

Pleasestopurbs · 15/11/2023 00:18

He is half her if you didnt know.
You CHOOSE to get pregnant by this man you are not a victim..

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