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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD secretly seeing her dad

151 replies

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 18:22

I have one DD, she turned 17 earlier this month. Her dad and I divorced around her 3rd birthday, he had been having an affair for over a year, was emotionally abusive and controlling. He intermittently had contact until she was around 5, then moved to London. I heard he moved back 3 years ago, with a wife and 2 kids. I was told he was living in a little village near our town (also small), I've seen him around.
DD is on holiday with her boyfriend/his family right now, has been for a week and a bit. Today I decided to take some parcels that have arrived for her over the week up to her room, usually I don't go into her room but the parcels were cluttering the living room. She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them. Her friends had wrote some really lovely things etc. Then I got to a card which didn't say much but was signed "Lots of Love Dad, "wife" and "kids". I deal with the mail and the only posted cards were from my sister and a friend who lives down south, so he must have given her this in person.
DD works in a local restaurant, is always out with friends or at her boyfriends, so it is entirely possible she is secretly seeing him. I don't know where she is 100% of the time. She gets back on Sunday, and I'm devastated if he is seeing her, he was no where to be seen for years, no maintenance, no cards, zero fs. I have raised her alone. He made my life miserable for years. I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about. I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken, how should I go about this?

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
socialdilemmawhattodo · 30/08/2023 19:59

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:11

I was just reading birthday cards not going through her drawers or anything!!

Show quote history

Yes and birthday cards that were out ON DISPLAY. I also put things into my DC's room. On their bed - they can put them away! And I might look at cards - it's part of knowing who your DC's friends are and commenting eg I liked the card that X sent - very funny! etc. So nothing wrong with that in a normal family.

But yes it is tricky about an ex who basically just wasn't there. You said financially too. Did you never try to claim maintenance, as you were the only parent at that time? But DD is old enough to explore who her family are. Another pp mentioned grandparents. Did she see or meet any side of that family - I wonder how they are towards her half-siblings. My DC sees their dad but is quite rude about him. I have said it is not really reasonable to maintain the relationship for the cash - ex splashes the cash in competition (his eyes only) with me. DC just laughs. So they can be a bit mercenary at that age. So I would just say I saw the card from Dad, how are you about that? See what DD says.

debbs77 · 30/08/2023 19:59

She is 17 and away with a boyfriend so you can't use the excuse of her not being an adult.

She has the right to both parents.

And I say this as someone who has a 17 year old daughter who just left 2 months ago to live with her Dad. A man who has done zero to support her in any way. She will come back to me. I've given her space and will continue to do so.

Kdubs1981 · 30/08/2023 19:59

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he's her dad

Knackeredmommy · 30/08/2023 20:04

I can understand why she's hidden the contact from you if you're going to have such a negative reaction to them talking. It's not about you, I imagine she's curious and wants to get to know more about herself and her dad. Understandable. She probably just doesn't want to upset you, I'd be more upset about the fact that she felt she couldn't talk to you about this.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/08/2023 20:04

OP you need to treat this like a new gf who doesn't believe that her new bf was abusive.

I believe you when you say that he was a nightmare but biology means that your dd is desperately curious and needs to know for herself. Yes, she may be subject to manipulation and there will be lots of wishful thinking with their interactions but you can't do anything about it since she's 17. All you can do is cross your fingers and hope. You've protected her up to now but unfortunately you can't protect her forever.

Mamai90 · 30/08/2023 20:05

You chose to pro create with this man, your daughter didn't. It's up to her if she wants to have a relationship with him and you ought to support her and keep your feelings to yourself.

drinkuptheezider · 30/08/2023 20:08

How would she have known what type of man he was if contact dropped when she was 5. That would have only come from the OP/adults. She probably wants to find out for herself. .

It looks like the OP has played right into his hands if he is manipulative and still the same. The girl will find out eventually.
Or, he has changed, or the reality was differen, and the OP will need to tread carefully.

'Least said soonest mended' springs to mind.

InspectorGidget · 30/08/2023 20:10

She's 17.

Has a job and a boyfriend and sounds very much like she's sensible - I mean you've let her go away with her boyfriend so insisting she wait till 18 to reach out to her own dad is a bit weird.

Let her live her life and if her dad is still a waste of space, please don't say 'I told you so'.

ZadocPDederick · 30/08/2023 20:16

I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about

Why are you so keen to jump to the worst conclusions? She hasn't lied to you, she simply hasn't told you she's in touch with her father, and her motivation is almost certainly to avoid upset to you. You have no reason to think she's lying about anything else.

iolaus · 30/08/2023 20:17

WhateverMate · 30/08/2023 19:03

I probably would tell her that I knew and that I was disappointed that she hadn't felt she could tell me that her dad had been in touch because I would never stand in between their relationship

Yeah I don't think the OP should say that, because it's putting the problem of her DD not being able to tell her on the DD. Whereas it sounds as though the blame lies firmly with the OP here.

I think I was meaning more I'd be disappointed that I hadn't created the relationship where she felt comfortable to come to me - that it was my fault not hers - not disappointed in her

poppitypop1 · 30/08/2023 20:17

It's her dad. She likely anticipated your reaction. As hard as it is you need to just be there for her if things go wrong. Being difficult will drive her away.

OhmygodDont · 30/08/2023 20:20

I mean the trust is definitely broken. You went into her personal space and read her private cards. Leave her alone.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/08/2023 20:26

In addition to you wanting to control her relationship with her father, it sounds like she's recently found out she has half siblings?

You really really can't get in the way of her building a relationship with them, she'd never forgive you.

Wat2do222 · 30/08/2023 20:30

She's not a child though is she? She's on the precepice of becoming an adult. If you think there isn't a hundred other things she has done and hasn't told you, you need a reality check.

She will have her reasons for not telling you and whatever they may be, you should respect that. The trust was broken when you went snooping.

He might be an absolute shit but it's her decision and for her to find that out. He may also have changed as a person and it might be healing for them to have a relationship. Whatever, it's not for you to make that call.

I also think you need to re-read your post and have a look at your own controlling behaviours, you do not have the right to tell anyone who they can and cannot see, you may not like the idea of it but ultimately its just not you're decision.

ittakes2 · 30/08/2023 20:36

Never push a child into a corner to make a decision - it won’t end well and you will damage the relationship you have

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2023 20:38

the way your brushing off having gone into her room and read her bday cards. Makes me think you give your dd no privacy and your dd has reason to keep quiet.

what difference would twelve months have made in your dd meeting up with her father?

she wants to meet him and get to know that side of her roots. Let her be.

you need it build trust and a close relationship with your dd if you want to maintain a relationship with her into adulthood.

Honeyroar · 30/08/2023 20:39

I’d expect that she’s not told you because she knows what you’re like and how you’d react. That you’d try to stop her, make her wait until she’s older, tell her how awful her dad was. So she’s keeping it to herself. She just wants to get to know her biological father, who has moved back to the area. She must have a hundred things she wants to know about him. It might be that she realises for herself that he’s no good. It might be that he’s finally matured and is capable of having a decent relationship with her. You’re just going to have to bite your tongue and take a deep breath. Your own relationship with her will be much better if you can support her rather than “be devastated” and make it all about you..

OhmygodDont · 30/08/2023 20:39

socialdilemmawhattodo · 30/08/2023 19:59

Yes and birthday cards that were out ON DISPLAY. I also put things into my DC's room. On their bed - they can put them away! And I might look at cards - it's part of knowing who your DC's friends are and commenting eg I liked the card that X sent - very funny! etc. So nothing wrong with that in a normal family.

But yes it is tricky about an ex who basically just wasn't there. You said financially too. Did you never try to claim maintenance, as you were the only parent at that time? But DD is old enough to explore who her family are. Another pp mentioned grandparents. Did she see or meet any side of that family - I wonder how they are towards her half-siblings. My DC sees their dad but is quite rude about him. I have said it is not really reasonable to maintain the relationship for the cash - ex splashes the cash in competition (his eyes only) with me. DC just laughs. So they can be a bit mercenary at that age. So I would just say I saw the card from Dad, how are you about that? See what DD says.

Show quote history

There weren’t on display though were they. There where in her private bedroom
not up in the livingroom or dining room.

MinnieTruck · 30/08/2023 20:40

Why are you reading her personal cards in the first place? How bizzare.

It’s not about you anyway. Regardless of how he treated you, he is still her dad and she has a right to know both parents if she wishes too. You’re making it sound like you expect her to pick a side. Weird behaviour

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 20:44

If she had coke to me about it I'd have said she could reach out at 18, I don't want her being hurt while she's still a child

It's not your decision to make though, OP.

You seem to think that whether she is allowed a relationship with her father is your decision to make until she's 18 (as if you've somehow earned the right to control her by raising her alone), but every child has a right to know their parents if they want to. You don't get to veto that relationship.

In your shoes, I would be feeling very sad that she didn't feel she could tell me she was in contact with her dad. But if you confront her about it and/or make it all about you, you will essentially be proving that she was right to hide it from you.

Justaredherring · 30/08/2023 20:44

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

OP, I’ve been the daughter in this situation. My mum was you. As other posters have said this just isn’t about you. This is your daughter needing to work things out for herself. She may continue to have a relationship with her father, she may not, but take my word for it the person she will ultimately love the most is you. It’s not a competition but in any event whatever she is building with her father now won’t even come close to the love and ties abd history she has with you. Whatever she might say in anger please don’t make it into him versus you. Because it isn’t about that. She shouldn’t have to choose

continentallentil · 30/08/2023 20:44

Ausstie · 30/08/2023 19:17

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

Because he is her Dad OP.

The fact you don’t get this is really quite odd and worrying.

This is about her, not you. You are two separate people, with completely different relationships with this man.

If you cannot see this you have very confused boundaries between you and her.

If you understood where she might be coming from, it might be useful for you to raise it with her, given you don’t, it is likely to do more harm than good. Stay out of it.

Blowdown · 30/08/2023 20:49

socialdilemmawhattodo · 30/08/2023 19:59

Yes and birthday cards that were out ON DISPLAY. I also put things into my DC's room. On their bed - they can put them away! And I might look at cards - it's part of knowing who your DC's friends are and commenting eg I liked the card that X sent - very funny! etc. So nothing wrong with that in a normal family.

But yes it is tricky about an ex who basically just wasn't there. You said financially too. Did you never try to claim maintenance, as you were the only parent at that time? But DD is old enough to explore who her family are. Another pp mentioned grandparents. Did she see or meet any side of that family - I wonder how they are towards her half-siblings. My DC sees their dad but is quite rude about him. I have said it is not really reasonable to maintain the relationship for the cash - ex splashes the cash in competition (his eyes only) with me. DC just laughs. So they can be a bit mercenary at that age. So I would just say I saw the card from Dad, how are you about that? See what DD says.

Show quote history

The OP states that she doesn’t normally go into her DDs room, the DD therefore didn’t anticipate DM going in there and looking at her private stuff.

Do you really think that tfe DD is at fault?

viques · 30/08/2023 20:50

you deal with the post? What do you mean, steaming open her letters?Reading her postcards? Asking who letters are from?All you need to do when “dealing with the post” is to take the post that has your name on and leave the rest in a pile for her.

lunar1 · 30/08/2023 20:54

I can't imagine why she didn't tell you...