DD secretly seeing her dad

[Ausstie]

I have one DD, she turned 17 earlier this month. Her dad and I divorced around her 3rd birthday, he had been having an affair for over a year, was emotionally abusive and controlling. He intermittently had contact until she was around 5, then moved to London. I heard he moved back 3 years ago, with a wife and 2 kids. I was told he was living in a little village near our town (also small), I've seen him around.
DD is on holiday with her boyfriend/his family right now, has been for a week and a bit. Today I decided to take some parcels that have arrived for her over the week up to her room, usually I don't go into her room but the parcels were cluttering the living room. She still has her birthday cards lining her chest of drawers. I miss her, so I decided to have a little read of them. Her friends had wrote some really lovely things etc. Then I got to a card which didn't say much but was signed "Lots of Love Dad, "wife" and "kids". I deal with the mail and the only posted cards were from my sister and a friend who lives down south, so he must have given her this in person.
DD works in a local restaurant, is always out with friends or at her boyfriends, so it is entirely possible she is secretly seeing him. I don't know where she is 100% of the time. She gets back on Sunday, and I'm devastated if he is seeing her, he was no where to be seen for years, no maintenance, no cards, zero fs. I have raised her alone. He made my life miserable for years. I'm also broken at the thought of her lying to me, if she is lying about this what else has she lied about. I want to mention I know when she is back and let her know I'm not happy and the trust is broken, how should I go about this?

AIBU to feel this way?

This.

Her relationship with her dad is her own business.

I probably would tell her that I knew and that I was disappointed that she hadn't felt she could tell me that her dad had been in touch because I would never stand in between their relationship

Yeah I don't think the OP should say that, because it's putting the problem of her DD not being able to tell her on the DD. Whereas it sounds as though the blame lies firmly with the OP here.

Well I think that's the OP well and truly told!

This isn't about you, it's about your daughter and her dad. You need to put your feelings aside and forget you saw the card. She will tell you when she's ready but if you react badly it won't end well for you and your daughters relationship

I wonder if she ever intended to come back to the thread.

More and more post and runs lately.

My mates in the same position as your ex h. His ex twisted things, lied, made it difficult to see his kids...when they were about 12 they cut contact with him. I'm not saying you did this but there are two sides to such stories.
His daughter is now secretly seeing him and he's trying to build a relationship.
Your daughter is now trying to do the same. Because it didn't work with you and your ex and he wasn't nice to you...it doesn't follow that he won't be nice to het.
And if the leopard hasn't changed then your daughter will find out sooner or later

She's allowed to see her dad if she wants OP. Her relationship with him is seperate to hers with you. Don't say anything negative to her. She's kept it from you because she assumes you're going to overreact.

Don't. Vent to a trusted pal instead.

She lied because she knew how you’d react, this is on you not her.

If you tell her you've been in her room and read her cards you're showing that you've broken her trust.. coming from someone who's families do not get on and my mother hates my father.. don't be that parent. I had to see my dad and grandparents in secret. She's possibly doing it as she knows you won't approve. It's putting her in an awful situation and by 'telling her off' you're just proving to her you're being massively unreasonable..

Years down the line (I'm in my 30s) I STILL have to lie about where I've been as my mum is unreasonable about me seeing my father/his side of the family.. they also have to book in when visiting so I can make sure they don't bump into each other. It's exhausting.

Okay so everyone thinks I just shouldn't say anything at all?
I don't like the thought of her lying to me about where she is, she's 17, not an adult yet.
If she had coke to me about it I'd have said she could reach out at 18, I don't want her being hurt while she's still a child and frankly if I know him he's probably filling her head with lies about me.

Before the holiday we got into a silly argument and she screamed at me "you think you're the best mum and you're just not" which really hurt me but now I'm wondering if it's coming from him.

One of the reasons moved out waaay too young is coz my mum couldn't keep out of my personal things
So you might want to stop doing that

I was just reading birthday cards not going through her drawers or anything!!

How dare you go on about her breaking your trust when you read her cards!

It makes no difference if she has contact now or when she's 18. Leave it. You risk pushing her away with any interference.

Leave it.

No it’s not coming from him, it’s coming from your daughter listen to her.

And she’s not a bloody child! You cannot control
her, she’s on holiday with her boyfriends family, probably having sex, able to have a child of her own and you think she’s a child?

OP One year is not going to make a difference between how her contact with dad turns out. if she was seven then my answer would be different but you need to consider why she kept this secret. Are you wrong in our assumption that you'd be angry and even forbid it?

If she didn't show you her birthday cards then no you had no right to look at them. You need to learn boundaries. Your daughter is not a child and is quite entitled to make her own decisions. Honestly, I think you need to seeking support and therapy to help you move on before you push your daughter away.

You’re being way too overbearing, this isn’t normal or healthy at all! She’s absolutely got the right to a relationship with her father, that isn’t for you to police or ‘allow’, it’s her choice. It’s hard to believe you’re acting so high and mighty about ‘breaking trust’ when you snooped around her bedroom, reading her personal correspondence while she was away.

She doesn't have to be an adult before she can decide to see her own father. Does she know the situation with him being controlling, maintenance etc.?

If she had coke to me about it I'd have said she could reach out at 18

you have absolutely no right at all to forbid her from seeing her father. No wonder she lied to you.
This is really shocking Behaviour on your part OP. It’s controlling, unfair on your DD and bordering emotional abuse tbh.
I understand how and why this is upsetting for you but you need to deal with your feelings, they are not your daughter’s burden. If she wants a relationship with him (which is entirely natural and Understandable) and he wants one with her, then that is entirely between the two of them.

@chmod777
Yes she is well aware the type of man he is, god knows why she'd want to see him.

How is 17 a child (away on holiday with a boyfriend, has a job) but 18 is not? Don’t be silly.

Try reading the replies properly too - no, you don’t have an unequivocal “don’t ask her”. You have an unequivocal “don’t fuck it up in the way you ask her.”

You’re not listening. You could actually use the posts here to help you - or you could just kick off that it’s fine to read her cards.

She may not be 18, but she isn’t a child. If she decided to not return home at all there’s nothing you could do about it. You do not have the level of control over her that you seem to believe you have.

It’s of course more convenient to blame him for her having the feelings she’s expressed to you, because that saves you from assessing your own behaviour.

Op you say you 'don't want her being hurt'

Isn't it more likely she will get her heart broken by her boyfriend? Not her Dad?

Because he is her father?