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AIBU?

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Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Butterflywings2 · 30/08/2023 09:42

He is not a good egg OP.

If you decide to stay, I would take the kids out for meals by yourself if that's what you enjoy and say you can't afford to pay for him too. Does he contribute towards your household bills at all??

The fact that he hasn't got a job would be enough ick for me without these issues.

veggie50 · 30/08/2023 09:42

Sounds like you are happy but don't like each other's spending habits: he can't stand you spending beyond your means (credit card debt is not affordable in the long run) and you hate him being a miser.
Have you ever consider a compromise? He doesn't want to spend money so perhaps he can spend the time? If you buy an M&S meals (or a supermarket alternative), it is much cheaper than going out and he should be able to heat up a meal and do the washing up as "he doesn't work". Go for a walk in the country with a picnic instead of going somewhere that requires entrance fee. Again, he can put the picnic together if you pay for the ingredients (go food shopping with him and make it part of time spent together). If he is a real partner, he shouldn't mind playing his part.
If he refuses to do anything then he is a sponger and I'm sure you know what to do.

ConsuelaHammock · 30/08/2023 09:44

If you’re going on holiday and spending £300 on a day out while living on credit cards then you have bigger issues than a bloke who wants a free ride.
Dump the man and live within your means . If you can’t afford something you can’t afford something - you’re only teaching your children that short term happiness can be bought with money. It’s not a good lesson!

Wishimaywishimight · 30/08/2023 09:46

You are being "ridiculous" to even ask this question. Clearly the answer is as plain as the nose on your face? You are spending money that should be going to you and our children on this lazy loser. Why??

skyeisthelimit · 30/08/2023 09:47

OP, if you want to treat your kids then treat them but make it 100% crystal clear to him that if he comes along then he needs to pay for himself. Order separately if necessary.

Better still, end the relationship as it won't get any better. The man is a user.

Thelnebriati · 30/08/2023 09:47

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny,

No he isn't; he's charming.

MajesticWhine · 30/08/2023 09:56

No more dinners and days out for him. Leave him at home with his toast.

Zanatdy · 30/08/2023 09:57

I couldn’t date someone who didn’t work. That would be a definite no for me. For him to sit there and assume you’re treating him is just rude. Not even offer to pay his share, big ick

SamW98 · 30/08/2023 09:59

Why on earth are you making excuses for the scrounging cocklodger?

Honestly what are you getting out of this one sided relationship?

Bumcake · 30/08/2023 10:01

How long have you been together? Has he given up work permanently?

Mandyintheskywithdiamonds · 30/08/2023 10:06

Is that "welcome" I see written on your forehead ?

Seriously, stop being a doormat and get rid of this idle scrounger.

Stop funding him and start packing his bags now.

porridgeisbae · 30/08/2023 10:12

Its quite concerning that when posters told you to stop doing these treats, you automatically think your kids can’t do them either - of course you and the kids can still do stuff.

Yes, do expensive things if you like, when you can afford it. Not if you're buying basics on credit.

beatrix1234 · 30/08/2023 10:13

Abuse comes in many forms, this one is financial abuse, plus you’re living on credit cards you can’t afford this man. If he wants to join you in your restaurant meals he has to pay his part, if he wants to drive he needs to use his car. You need to put solid boundaries in place here. Yes he may dump you once he looses his “sugar babe” status and then you will discover the hard way why he was with you. 💰💰💰

Mirabai · 30/08/2023 10:21

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

No just stop with him completely. You cannot have this low standards in life. You say you’re not desperate but no-one would put up with this flagrant sponging who wasn’t absolutely desperate.

Every penny you spend on him should be going on your kids and your pension. Wise up.

willstarttomorrow · 30/08/2023 10:27

This will just eat away at you so you may as well end it now with your self-respect intact. To be honest he sounds mean with money which in my opinion is one of the most unattractive traits. This is why he has no mortgage, can stop work etc but no way should it be at your and your childrens expense. He sponges off a single parent who is reliant on credit cards? He is not a keeper.

Rocketpants50 · 30/08/2023 10:29

Eat at home, give him beans on toast and cook your children something nice,

but really where is your future with him going - you just need to get rid.

Mojodojocasahaus · 30/08/2023 10:32

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

This is not what people are saying - they are saying dump his ass.

What are you teaching your kids by letting him treat you this way?

Crayfishforyou · 30/08/2023 10:32

How does it pan out OP?
Do you invite him along or do you tell him what you are doing and then he invites himself?
You need to state when you are paying, you are ONLY paying for yourself and your children. He can bring his own porridge if he wants to come but not pay

NoLikeyNoLightey · 30/08/2023 10:52

YWBU to not raise your standards

Iknowthis1 · 30/08/2023 11:03

Sitting in eating porridge and soup sounds pretty miserable.

That is what this man wants to do with his life.

He's not bringing much to the relationship, is he?

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/08/2023 11:09

@Fanofbeasmith

bin him off op
you can do better

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/08/2023 11:29

@Fanofbeasmith

why doesn’t he work Op?

Tinklyheadtilt · 30/08/2023 12:16

I'm not one to normally say get rid, but this one has no redeeming qualities. Quite his job and expects you to pay for him when you are a single mother? Not on.

Naunet · 30/08/2023 13:06

Stop letting yourself be manipulated by him and bending over backwards to see his point. He would be happy having toast, so you should pay? Well why didn’t he have toast then? He made a choice not to, like the big boy he is, so he can pay for that choice rather than looking to you to be his mummy.

Catlady1712 · 30/08/2023 13:15

My boyfriend (at the time) who was 26, had chucked uni multiple times yet refused to get any kind of job and let his parents pay the rent on his flat turned around when I qualified from my degree and started earning 28,000 a year that he ‘expected me to pay at least 70% of what we spent’
I had moved country when I qualified from Scotland to England and this was his first
time visiting me. He slagged off my flat which I paid for myself, used my card to buy food and treats for his lunch etc when I had asked him to buy me furniture and also refused to learn to drive so I drove him everywhere.
thankfully; I finally chucked him after that weekend but should have binned him long before. Don’t be me!!