My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

[Fanofbeasmith]

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

Why are you living a lavish lifestyle on credit? Thousands on holiday lots of meals out why?
He's still using you though although if it's you insisting on meals I do get he wouldn't want them.

He thinks days out / eating out / treats are a waste of money and would be happier staying in and eating porridge...then the solution, if you want to stay with him, is you go out and do stuff and he stays in and has porridge. It's completely wrong for him to say well if he was on his own he wouldn't be spending. He accepts invites, he pays his way. It works both ways - if you were single you wouldn't have these costs either. Can you imagine if everyone did that? Going out for someone's birthday meal 'well if it wasn't your birthday I'd be eating at home so I'm not paying'. Any time you had an invite for a day out with friends 'well you invited me, I was planning to sit at home and drink water today otherwise, so you're paying for everything'. You wouldn't dream of it because it's so incredibly rude and selfish

This is a man who thinks taking the children on a holiday is wasting money, There is no future in this relationship, is there? If you were together he would be making a fuss every time you had to buy them new shoes.

He needs to be dumped, but don't use credit cards to fund your life @Fanofbeasmith .

If you're broke then don't spend £300 on an outing, plus a takeaway the night before.

Then you'd be more likely to not have to use credit cards for basics.

So he wants to live as if he isn’t in a relationship but you pay for all the things that he enjoys while being in a relationship. You need to stop inviting him to these things and stop paying. He can cook for you or do whatever he wants to on his budget.

Wow, there's frugal and then there's this miserable fucker. If he wants to live on soup and porridge, he can sit alone in his unheated house and go to town on a bowl of Quaker.

He is taking money straight out of your children's hands and you are letting him! He has told you in so many words that he believes he is entitled to this, so he's not going to stop. You have to stop it.

Respect yourself - and your kids - enough to bin this loser.

There's not much point in him stopping work if he has to just eat toast all the time. But yes put a stop at least to him coming along for meals. That would include meals at your own home as well. If he wants to eat toast, let him eat toast.

The thing is though that this kind of meanness is deep in him. It's his whole character. You might not have to pay for his food, but you still have to put up with someone who has a stingy selfish character. Why would you do that?

Somebody get the cocklodger siren out and set it off.
Why do you allow this?
Who is important to you your boyfriend or your children?
For God's sake get rid of this creep. I have zero respect for men who sponge off single parents. They are utter scum.

Remember that every penny you spend on this complete loser is a penny that you could give to your children, spend on yourself or save for your future. Every single penny.

You would save money by ditching him! He sounds awful. Surely you can’t see a future with this man?
When you said he didn’t work, I assumed you meant that he was unemployed, rather than living off his savings. This makes it so much worse.
I have never said this before, but I feel embarrassed for you! I’m sorry, but how can you find this man attractive/ let him teach your children that this this is the right way to live?

I might have missed the explanation as to how he is managing to increase his savings through not working. That would be handy to know.

Where is he getting money from to save? Absolutely bin him off and stop subsidising his choice to not work. Bet you if you break up he’ll soon be looking for another job

God, you should still treat your kids!

But don't spend a penny on your cocklodger 'boyfriend'.

Just think, all the cash you spend on subsiding him is cash he's taking away from your dc.

You’re relying on credit cards and are at the mercy of an unstable rental market and you’re spending money on a man?

You need to put your kids first.

Do you have shared children?
Is he a SAHP?
Do you live together?

I’m struggling to understand why you’re allowing this.

I would be more than happy to help my partner out if he lost his job or share finances if he was the SAHP.

There is absolutely no way I would be paying for someone who chooses not to work.

If you don’t live together and he’s not the dad then why is he coming out on the family trips when he’s not contributing. Go without him.
Same as eating at restaurants, if he has no money then go with your kids or friends.

You are enabling him.
We work because we have to to get money, right now he doesn’t have to because you pay for everything.

You say he chooses not to work ? But he has his own home and savings ?
So did he inherit a lot of money or sell a successful business and retire early ?

He's literally stealing from your children, please stop facilitating that. He needs to be dumped without further ado.

Don't stop the treats (unless you really can't afford it) do end it with him. He's using you and he doesn't respect you.

Do you mean he’s submitting false meter readings? If so, they will catch up with him sooner or later.

So many questions……

If he’s not working, what is his source of income? Is it reliable? Is it legal?

Where is he actually living? I mean, if he’s never at his house (because he’s always at yours), then his energy use could indeed be very low - but then he ought to be contributing to costs at your house. Is he?

Do you envisage a future with this man? Think very hard about that. Above all, make sure your contraception is absolutely water right, because you can guarantee that if you did have a child with him you wouldn’t get any maintenance out of him - since he’s got no income.

At the very least, stop paying for him when you go out. Say it upfront - I’m taking the kids to X, do you want to come and pay for yourself, or are you going to your house to eat toast? Ask him if you can start taking turns to pay when you go out just the two of you. See where he takes you - if he ever does - and there is your future laid out for you.

Do you have any savings, OP? I’m guessing not, since you are putting things on credit cards. Seriously - pull your horns in, starting by no longer paying for things for him which he wouldn’t choose for himself anyway. You can still treat yourself and your kids, just be a bit more canny about it. Get those credit card balances going DOWN not up, look forward to when you can start adding to YOUR savings instead of his.

Maybe one day YOU would like to own a house instead of renting. Every penny you spend on your cocklodging bf is a step further away from that.

I agree.

Taking your kids out does not mean taking your bf out.

Its quite concerning that when posters told you to stop doing these treats, you automatically think your kids can’t do them either - of course you and the kids can still do stuff.

Is he involved with everything you do with them?
Can you not just have a day out with just you and the kids without him?

Is he looking after them throughout the 6 weeks?

Stop inviting him! He can have toast/ porridge etc at home and you can enjoy the time with your kids. Most kids would rather a day out just with mum than with mum’s boyfriend tagging along anyway! Sounds like leaving him at home does everyone a favour.

No..m don't stop enjoying yourself and sending time with your kids. Just stop inviting him along.

He says he wouldn't be eating there if it wasn't for you? The fine, he can stay at home. You and your kids shouldn't miss out because of his stingyness

This place is full of men and women that can tell you how it goes, pottedham.

Incidentally, the ones that are in the worst situations are the same women and men who think their partner, husband or wife is LOVELY and such good mothers and parents to their children, even if the bastards are abusive or a waste of space. They are also the most smug ones!

So good on you OP for questioning yourself about it, it takes courage and self awareness to do that, most “coupled” people don’t have that courage. There are as many mums raising children on their own as mums doing so with a man to their side, yet most of complaints about authentic shitty behaviour comes from married woman who are convinced they have chosen their men well! If you don’t believe me check the relationships threads, for every single mum complaining about their new man, there are hundreds of married people suffering but thinking they are blessed with their home set up.

This ^^ @Fanofbeasmith is his company worth paying for it? If the answer’s no, leave him at home when you go out!

You’re going to stop the meals out, even though you want to take your kids out, because of this man?

How about, “Can’t see you tonight, I’m going out to dinner with the kids.” Then “No, it’s just us going as I’m not paying for another adult as well.” And hold that line. No no no. Learn to say it.

Or just grow up and chuck him.