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Original poster

My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything

391 replies

Fanofbeasmith · 29/08/2023 23:50

My boyfriend gave up his job and now expects me to pay for everything.

He has this idea that if he wasn't with me he wouldn't be eating in this place or that, he wouldn't be visiting this place or that, so he just let's me pay. He's right, yesterday we did a day out with my children, brunch out, tea out, all in all it cost me over £300 for the day plus the takeaway the night before. If he wasn't with me he'd make food at home. But he didn't, he joined in.

I hate that attitude, it's really giving me the ick.

Last week we ate in a nice restaurant, i paid. Later I asked for the money, he said he thought I was treating him because he's not working. But why should I?

He's a nice guy other than this. He's kind, he's funny, I love being with him. But I can't help feeling used. He chooses not to work, I work hard and obvs have a lot more disposable money than him. But really although I earn a good salary, he is much better off, he's a home owner, no mortgage, I rent and have children. I'm using credit cards to live, he's increasing his savings even while not working.

I can't bear to speak to him ATM so just wondered if I'm being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Rewis · 30/08/2023 07:52

Based on the first post I want wondering that maybe there is a misunderstanding or different expectations based on the invite etc. But then in the following messages it just sounds like he's cheap and an ass. It's one thing to be frugal but this is not it. It will just get worse.

Bur if you want to keep seeing him, just dont invite him along when you are treating your kids. If you want takeout, just order some for you and the kids and eat before he comes over. Do the expensive stuff with the kids and then the free stuff with him

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2023 08:01

Op, you make very different decisions to me.
You have acknowledged that he's awful, cheap, a liar and that you have the ick etc Great.
And your resulting decision is to just not treat him any more?!?
Why isn't your resulting decision not to dump him, given you have the ick?
You detailed upthread you're not desperate for a man, yet you very clearly are. You're not the only one, but at least own it.

COPPER3 · 30/08/2023 08:01

You deserve better! Repeat this affirmation every day! I AM WORTHY!
FFS dump this selfish taker now and do not look back. Work on your self worth/values.

You are being taken for a ride darling..

twinklystar23 · 30/08/2023 08:04

I had a Cocklodger OP he suggested once that we go out for a drink. I just took the money for my drink, he then ordered his and turned to me when the barman stated the price I said that oh as you said a drink just bought enough for mine. Was amusing to see him have to apologise to the barman and rush to the ATM.

So if the overwhelming 100% of posts telling you to dump him is not something you don't feel ready to would do as other posters have suggested and ONLY do completely equitable activities. A picnic with toast and porridge(!) Oh and only walking/cycling. Then observe his reaction.

Inkpotlover · 30/08/2023 08:06

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

Just stop the meals out with him. He prefers toast to a meal out? Fine, he stays at home.

He sounds like a miserable freeloader - get rid.

jeaux90 · 30/08/2023 08:11

Op I'm a lone parent. He sounds like a CF and more importantly it sounds like you and he do not share the same ethics, objectives or life goals. He certainly isn't modelling good behaviour for your DC.

As an independent lone parent I'd say to you just ditch him, focus on you and the DC, friends and family.

If you want a partner wait for one who shares the same life goals.

Jibo · 30/08/2023 08:12

Fanofbeasmith · 30/08/2023 00:43

I am taking on board what people are saying - both in respect to him and also generally overspending. You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

Why did this loser even come on your one day out with your DC all summer? I'm sure they'd have preferred it to be just you. You do sound pretty desperate - why didn't you just say "don't come then" when he said he wouldn't pay his way? It's not like he's doing you a favour.

Lordofmyflies · 30/08/2023 08:12

What do you actually see in him OP?
He's dishonest - he lies about his utilities usage.
He's tight and disrespectful - he expects you to pay for everything and puts his gain over your loss.
He's lazy - he doesn't work or feel the need to get even a part-time job.
His communication with you is poor - surely you discuss finances and expectations when in an established relationship in an adult manner.
And certain parts of his personality you find repulsive???

I'm struggling to see why you are with him?!

MushMonster · 30/08/2023 08:13

You are not living together, are you?
Nope, he pays his ticket and food or he does not go.
Good for him he can afford not to work.
But do not spend your money on him!

Shakirasma · 30/08/2023 08:15

Dont you dare deprive your kids of nice days out and treats because your so called boyfriend is a miserly, selfish cock.

Sack the stingy, lazy twat off and have a lovely life with your kids.

Geta · 30/08/2023 08:17

Dump. Him.

Billben · 30/08/2023 08:17

You're right. I will stop with the meals out. I just wanted to treat my kids on the one day I had off work with them for the entire 6 weeks holiday (apart from a holiday)

Please do not stop with the meals out (as long as they are within your means). Just get rid of the fool.

RampantIvy · 30/08/2023 08:18

Your boyfriend is mean, mean spirited and utterly joyless. Do not pay for him for anything.

In fact just get rid and make sure you don't meet any more blood sucking leeches.

Penguinsmum · 30/08/2023 08:24

Omg!! Stop being a mug! You sound kind and generous and deserve a decent partner not a sponger!

MakeItRain · 30/08/2023 08:31

JoIo · 29/08/2023 23:58

You're also insane for spending £300 on days out, lavish meals out whilst living off credit cards.....

I thought this too. Why are you spending £300 on a day out if you have no money? I would also ditch the boyfriend. He's not kind if he's happy to contribute to you spiralling into debt.

dottiedodah · 30/08/2023 08:34

Why are you asking on an Internet site?The obvious answer is Dump! Really he is obviously using you .Of course he will be nice ,he has no worries at all! No job or stress and you coughing up for treats .Wake up and smell the coffee

LogicVoid · 30/08/2023 08:38

You've got yourself a parasite. Get rid!

Greenberg2 · 30/08/2023 08:41

Remember that nice guys don't have a mean side. Mean guys do have a nice side though. Even controlling abusive arseholes have a nice side.

I love this @PostOpOp ! Will try to remember it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/08/2023 08:43

He’s increasing his savings at the cost to your children. Just stop. Dump.

Tonightsthenight91 · 30/08/2023 08:43

ew! Bin him 😩 that’s so off putting. Don’t let him twist it and make out you’re a money grabber either. He’s not a man if this is his moral stance imo

Zonder · 30/08/2023 08:46

Where does he get money from if he chooses not to work? If the answer is benefits then that tells you he chooses to let other people fund him in all aspects of his life. You are just one more of these.

Not knocking people on benefits here - just someone who chooses that rather than working when it seems he could work.

jannier · 30/08/2023 08:46

Dump him then start living within your means. Nobody spends £300 on a day out unless they have lots of money that's mad let alone if you're living on credit what madness has got you into that?

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 08:46

My ex was the same. Me paying became the normal. He got a job. I worked less then due to dc at home. His money was his money. I was borrowing off relatives to pay bills while he swanned around a golf course... I threw him out. Not before time.

ginslinger · 30/08/2023 08:48

dump him, he will never change and you will never be able to enjoy a meal out with him in your life. There will always be a reason why he doesn't pay.

Pipsquiggle · 30/08/2023 08:49

He's a cocklodging miser - just awful