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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:39

Laiste · 30/08/2023 15:25

It's been established i think that different people see it in different ways. Personally i don't believe there's a right or wrong. It would only matter if there was a difference of opinion within a relationship - like OP's situatuon.

So, the more important (and interesting) question really is:

Would you change your plan if your partner saw it differently to you?
Me: yes.
And the reason is that i'd like to think that in future my DH would do the same for me if i was feeling iffy about a situation he personally couldn't couldn't see a problem with.

OP - it's really up to you.

Depends.

I'm up for discussing it, not blind obedience.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:42

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 15:11

In my opinion, yes.
Lots of men have female 'friends' for one ot two reasons:
Using their charms for material gain: access to money, housing etc.

To get intimate with them.

It's usually the latter, waiting for a chance to make a move

You know the obvious answer is usually the correct one: man invites woman to a romantic meal because he wants to be romantic with her.

Show quote history

The people make a meal romantic, not the venue
A meal with my friend or DH in the same place, one would be romantic and one wouldn't.

And funnily enough friend and I have been doing this for a out 5 years, twice a year. Also share a hobby where we go away for the weekend with other people but plenty of spare bedrooms etc for near to 15 years bar two mat leaves. Never so much as an attempted snog on either side. There just isn't a spark like that and yet when I needed emotional support he was one of the people I trusted. Sometimes a friendship is just that.

Maybe you're just so gorgeous that no man can gaze upon you without falling madly in lust 🙄

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:43

It must be exhausting being one of those posters who think a man and a woman spending time together must automatically have romantic or sexual undertones, and as such are in a state of permanent high alert for affairs.

I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone so irrationally paranoid and narrow-minded.

A fancy meal with a friend of either sex is perfectly normal.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:46

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 15:11

@SleepingStandingUp Irrational in your opinion though, not in others opinion. It's completely thoughtless and uncaring to not consider a partners feelings in these situations.

My DH was have a HUGE problem with me doing what the OP is proposing to do and he's the most laid back man you could meet. It just wouldn't be appropriate.

Break it down for me.

Which bit?

Male friend?
Male friend who can share emotional stuff with?
Being "alone" in public with a man?
Eating with a man?
Eating with alcohol with a man?
The eatery being a restaurant?
The eatery being posh?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:48

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:43

It must be exhausting being one of those posters who think a man and a woman spending time together must automatically have romantic or sexual undertones, and as such are in a state of permanent high alert for affairs.

I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone so irrationally paranoid and narrow-minded.

A fancy meal with a friend of either sex is perfectly normal.

Not only that but people like @nannyogg who won't be in public alone with another adult in case someone thinks it's a relationship. I mean of that was my friend, I'd really worry how abuse the relationship was

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:50

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 15:11

@SleepingStandingUp Irrational in your opinion though, not in others opinion. It's completely thoughtless and uncaring to not consider a partners feelings in these situations.

My DH was have a HUGE problem with me doing what the OP is proposing to do and he's the most laid back man you could meet. It just wouldn't be appropriate.

I'd have established very early on whether any man I was dating would have these ridiculous feelings about me going to a restaurant with another friend, and if they did exhibit irrational jealousy, that'd be an instant dump. I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to consider feelings I think are absurd.

One of the reasons DP is DP is because he isn't like that.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/08/2023 15:51

Just had a quick look at the dog walking thread, and the reactions are totally different. Definitely the majority saying the man has had his head turned. Oh and the obligatory few that have to say menz not mens which really makes a mockery of their argument imo

CuteCillian · 30/08/2023 15:53

DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

DH either gets over his pickiness, or let's you crack on.

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:53

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/08/2023 15:51

Just had a quick look at the dog walking thread, and the reactions are totally different. Definitely the majority saying the man has had his head turned. Oh and the obligatory few that have to say menz not mens which really makes a mockery of their argument imo

I also think those reactions are bonkers but I do not have the strength to wade in lol.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 16:18

CuteCillian · 30/08/2023 15:53

DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

DH either gets over his pickiness, or let's you crack on.

But even if he gets over it, op has said they can't afford to split the voucher across 3 meals or should the friend be expected to give it Op?

Laiste · 30/08/2023 16:21

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 15:39

Depends.

I'm up for discussing it, not blind obedience.

Show quote history

I would have thought it was obvious that 'seeing it differently' would include a discussion 🙄

You're jumping to some strange conclusions on this thread to suit your narrative.

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 16:35

@gannett And that's your choice but for me and others, they and their partner have the same outlook on what is appropriate and not within their marriage.

To me, DH being unhappy about me going out for a date type meal with another man is reasonable and justified.

BeachHutCornwall · 30/08/2023 16:41

This is a date.
I think this is uncool.

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 17:18

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:43

It must be exhausting being one of those posters who think a man and a woman spending time together must automatically have romantic or sexual undertones, and as such are in a state of permanent high alert for affairs.

I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone so irrationally paranoid and narrow-minded.

A fancy meal with a friend of either sex is perfectly normal.

I was just thinking that. Thank god I'm not one of those

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 17:33

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 17:18

I was just thinking that. Thank god I'm not one of those

Show quote history

Yes. Irrational and territorial notions about what constitutes ‘permissible’ opposite-sex social occasions is right up there with bad personal hygiene as a complete turn-off.

I wonder if the same type of man would never go to a restaurant with a male friend in case it was assumed they were a gay couple on a date…

bladebladebla1 · 30/08/2023 17:48

@ErosandAgape that is a very good point

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 17:58

Laiste · 30/08/2023 16:21

I would have thought it was obvious that 'seeing it differently' would include a discussion 🙄

You're jumping to some strange conclusions on this thread to suit your narrative.

Show quote history

Me jumping to conclusions? I'm not he one who thinks a £50 main is enough to cause an affair and that being in public with a man means he wants to fuck you

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 18:00

BeachHutCornwall · 30/08/2023 16:41

This is a date.
I think this is uncool.

Edited

If OP was mates with the ex wife and she was going to dinner with her, would it be a date? What if one of them was bisexual?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 18:01

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 16:35

@gannett And that's your choice but for me and others, they and their partner have the same outlook on what is appropriate and not within their marriage.

To me, DH being unhappy about me going out for a date type meal with another man is reasonable and justified.

But which bit would he object to? The fact it's a straight man? The venue? The being single bit? Where would be permissible for you to be 121 with a straight man within say a 15 year window of your age?

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 18:05

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 18:01

But which bit would he object to? The fact it's a straight man? The venue? The being single bit? Where would be permissible for you to be 121 with a straight man within say a 15 year window of your age?

Show quote history

Or are you allowed to go for dinner with a straight, single man of your own age, if it’s the local curry house or an all-you-can-eat buffet, rather than a Michelin-starred restaurant? Does the presence of a wine flight or an expensive tasting menu mean adultery is more likely?

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:11

@SleepingStandingUp it would be the going out with another man who isn't a family member. There would be no occasion where I would be in a situation where I was one to one with another man my age in a socialising context.

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 18:17

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:11

@SleepingStandingUp it would be the going out with another man who isn't a family member. There would be no occasion where I would be in a situation where I was one to one with another man my age in a socialising context.

Why on earth not? Are you a devout Muslimah from a conservative background?

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:19

@ErosandAgape there are a few reasons. I don't have the desire to want to go out there and make friends with random men, I don't have any male friends from my past as I moved on, I realise that doing things like that can lead to misunderstandings and cause issues within a marriage etc. I was just raised with those values and DH was raised the same way. If something upsets the other or makes them uncomfortable then the partner comes first.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 18:22

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 17:33

Yes. Irrational and territorial notions about what constitutes ‘permissible’ opposite-sex social occasions is right up there with bad personal hygiene as a complete turn-off.

I wonder if the same type of man would never go to a restaurant with a male friend in case it was assumed they were a gay couple on a date…

Show quote history

probably not because to think that way in the first place requires a veneer of aggressive heteronormativity on everything. It’s all very Mike Pence.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 18:25

gannett · 30/08/2023 15:53

I also think those reactions are bonkers but I do not have the strength to wade in lol.

Show quote history

I was one of the lone dissenters on the dog walking thread saying OP was being stupid and he’s allowed to befriend someone with a similar interest in dogs

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