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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 18:26

@GrannyGoggins I mean, you know that is really strange right?

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 18:29

Are your rules applied in all situations? I run a volunteer committse where it so happens currently the other 4 members are men.

We had a 2 hour meeting at my flat yesterday. Sbock horror I was on my own. Is that permissable under your odd, Victorian rules?

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:32

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 18:26

@GrannyGoggins I mean, you know that is really strange right?

Not in my world. I don't know anyone that would go out with a member of the opposite sex in that manner when married. My parents wouldn't and my friends wouldn't. Just not the done thing in our circle.

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:34

Ginmonkeyagain · 30/08/2023 18:29

Are your rules applied in all situations? I run a volunteer committse where it so happens currently the other 4 members are men.

We had a 2 hour meeting at my flat yesterday. Sbock horror I was on my own. Is that permissable under your odd, Victorian rules?

Is that aimed at me as I wasn't sure?

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 18:37

I agree with the poster who said i bet the friend wouldn't invite OP to this date if he was still married.

a) it's not a date
b) well, no, he wouldn't because he wouldn't have a voucher to use.

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 18:43

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:32

Not in my world. I don't know anyone that would go out with a member of the opposite sex in that manner when married. My parents wouldn't and my friends wouldn't. Just not the done thing in our circle.

Show quote history

But why not? Do you think all male-female relationships are basically sexual or something, and that a woman having male friends is being some kind of scarlet woman? I mean, don’t you trust yourself not to lunge at them across the menus or something?

It just seems a weirdly sexualised and black and white view of life. Plus I can’t imagine choosing or ending friendships based on my, or their, relationship status.

(I mean, I’m sure my mother would agree with you, but my mother has some deeply odd attitudes to friendships in general, and thinks women only need female friends when young and single, so they have company while sitting coyly in public places waiting to be asked to dance by a man. After engagement, you no longer go out with your friends because that implies you’re still looking, and you should be sewing your trousseau or something and practising darning his socks.)

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 30/08/2023 18:44

@MarkWithaC of course he wouldn't because he would go with his wife, which would be the ideal situation. But I have no doubt we'd go out for dinner another night

OP posts:
ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 18:47

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 18:37

I agree with the poster who said i bet the friend wouldn't invite OP to this date if he was still married.

a) it's not a date
b) well, no, he wouldn't because he wouldn't have a voucher to use.

Exactly. (Though Mn appears to take a strong line on returning wedding presents if the marriage ends quickly, which it sounds as though this one did… Perhaps the man in question should return the restaurant voucher and not tempt the OP into an Illicit Fancy Restaurant Date where they will find themselves playing footsie during the starters and have progressed to full sex by the cheese course?)

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:48

@ErosandAgape if both people in a relationship are fine with it then there is no problem but if one is bothered by it then I believe their feelings are valid.

We all have different ways of living and conducting a relationship, as long as it works for both people.

In this case though, the OPs partner is not happy about it and his feelings are just as valid as hers.

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 19:03

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:48

@ErosandAgape if both people in a relationship are fine with it then there is no problem but if one is bothered by it then I believe their feelings are valid.

We all have different ways of living and conducting a relationship, as long as it works for both people.

In this case though, the OPs partner is not happy about it and his feelings are just as valid as hers.

And you genuinely think that the OP should obey the diktats of her husband’s nutty territoriality (this is a long-standing friendship which predates the friend’s marriage, where they regularly see one another alone for drinks as well as in company, and the issue appears to be (a)that the friend is now single and (b) it’s a ‘fancy’ restaurant), rather than laughing at it?

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 19:06

@ErosandAgape Why be so disrespectful towards it just because it's not the way you live your life? If you want to go out with men then all power to you but if partners feelings get disregarded then it's heading down the slippery slope of the marriage getting into trouble.

Squiblet · 30/08/2023 21:39

If he doesn't trust her to even sit in a restaurant with a man platonically, then the marriage is already in trouble.

MrsColinRobinson · 30/08/2023 22:07

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:11

@SleepingStandingUp it would be the going out with another man who isn't a family member. There would be no occasion where I would be in a situation where I was one to one with another man my age in a socialising context.

Now you're straying into Saudi Arabian territory of women needing a male chaperone.

Bloody shocking and ridiculous

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 22:24

@MrsColinRobinson Well it doesn't affect your life in any way and I am in a happy marriage so what's the issue?

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 00:53

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 18:11

@SleepingStandingUp it would be the going out with another man who isn't a family member. There would be no occasion where I would be in a situation where I was one to one with another man my age in a socialising context.

Can I ask if that's a cultural thing? I appreciate in some cultures it isn't acceptable for men and women to mix socially and whilst I might not agree with it personally, it is actually quite different to it being fine in your family and culture but DH just won't allow it.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 01:18

@SleepingStandingUp I wanted to say thank you for being kind albeit holding a different view, it is appreciated.

It's not cultural for me but more just copying how my parents were in addition to there being a religious element also. I just also feel I would be being disrespectful towards DH. It's not something we have ever done so to all of a sudden start doing it would be really odd for us.

ErosandAgape · 31/08/2023 06:35

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 19:06

@ErosandAgape Why be so disrespectful towards it just because it's not the way you live your life? If you want to go out with men then all power to you but if partners feelings get disregarded then it's heading down the slippery slope of the marriage getting into trouble.

Because it’s ridiculous, frankly.

Sanitas · 31/08/2023 07:41

A lot of people are missing the point.

It's not about how the OP feels about her friend, it's about how he feels about her.

She may view it as innocent friendship but to an outsider here we have an emotionally vulnerable man who may well confuse friendship for attraction, looking for sexual validation to boost his ego.

Her husband is emphatically not controlling (OP has said this herself) rather he senses this in the other guy, because being a man himself, he realises that for men sex= validation. And this guy needs validation right now.

It's clear that from the friend's viewpoint this is a date under the guise of IMO a very thin veneer of plausible deniability.

All this deeply childish foot stomping about going to metaphorically stick two fingers up at her dh and be her own woman is misplaced.

The friend wants to have sex with her-it's as clear as day.
Surely he knows, like anyone else with a half a brain cell, the setting has romantic connotations. Same as going to Costa or a chicken shop. Bollocks it is.

His desire for sex i. e. Validation is so strong though he's willing to risk a punch in the face from another guy to risk it.

OP, if you're reading this AND you want to avoid losing your dh, and your friend for that matter, you will from this point on put up a few barriers between you and your friend.
He wants sex and you're paying him a lot of attention.

Ignore the foolish majority who say go. They are wrong and know very little about men.

Your friendship will be over if you go because he'll reach for your hand, you'll be disillusioned and your friendship ends there.

ErosandAgape · 31/08/2023 07:58

Sanitas · 31/08/2023 07:41

A lot of people are missing the point.

It's not about how the OP feels about her friend, it's about how he feels about her.

She may view it as innocent friendship but to an outsider here we have an emotionally vulnerable man who may well confuse friendship for attraction, looking for sexual validation to boost his ego.

Her husband is emphatically not controlling (OP has said this herself) rather he senses this in the other guy, because being a man himself, he realises that for men sex= validation. And this guy needs validation right now.

It's clear that from the friend's viewpoint this is a date under the guise of IMO a very thin veneer of plausible deniability.

All this deeply childish foot stomping about going to metaphorically stick two fingers up at her dh and be her own woman is misplaced.

The friend wants to have sex with her-it's as clear as day.
Surely he knows, like anyone else with a half a brain cell, the setting has romantic connotations. Same as going to Costa or a chicken shop. Bollocks it is.

His desire for sex i. e. Validation is so strong though he's willing to risk a punch in the face from another guy to risk it.

OP, if you're reading this AND you want to avoid losing your dh, and your friend for that matter, you will from this point on put up a few barriers between you and your friend.
He wants sex and you're paying him a lot of attention.

Ignore the foolish majority who say go. They are wrong and know very little about men.

Your friendship will be over if you go because he'll reach for your hand, you'll be disillusioned and your friendship ends there.

This is an entertaining work of fiction. I especially love the way the DH intuitively grasps the other guy’s sex-starved motivation better than the OP, his actual friend, does, because he’s a man, even though the only reason the DH isn’t going is not to protect his wife’s virtue but because he ‘doesn’t like set menus’.

Sooo many affairs start because of disliking set menus…

Sanitas · 31/08/2023 08:11

ErosandAgape · 31/08/2023 07:58

This is an entertaining work of fiction. I especially love the way the DH intuitively grasps the other guy’s sex-starved motivation better than the OP, his actual friend, does, because he’s a man, even though the only reason the DH isn’t going is not to protect his wife’s virtue but because he ‘doesn’t like set menus’.

Sooo many affairs start because of disliking set menus…

Show quote history

You appear to know nothing about men. How they think, act, it's all alien to you.
You think men want to be friends with women? They don't.

They may enjoy chatting to them, have women they enjoy the company of in a group setting, hell they may care about them and help them but they do not want them as friends they spend one on one time with.

If they do, it's for material gain or sex.

Of course he wants to have sex with her, it's as clear as day.

No self-respecting guy would tolerate the bullshit the OP is putting her dh through.

If she continues with this friendship, or at the very least fails to put up serious barriers, her marriage is over.

Going out for a romantic meal with another guy. It's just not on.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 08:14

Sanitas · 31/08/2023 07:41

A lot of people are missing the point.

It's not about how the OP feels about her friend, it's about how he feels about her.

She may view it as innocent friendship but to an outsider here we have an emotionally vulnerable man who may well confuse friendship for attraction, looking for sexual validation to boost his ego.

Her husband is emphatically not controlling (OP has said this herself) rather he senses this in the other guy, because being a man himself, he realises that for men sex= validation. And this guy needs validation right now.

It's clear that from the friend's viewpoint this is a date under the guise of IMO a very thin veneer of plausible deniability.

All this deeply childish foot stomping about going to metaphorically stick two fingers up at her dh and be her own woman is misplaced.

The friend wants to have sex with her-it's as clear as day.
Surely he knows, like anyone else with a half a brain cell, the setting has romantic connotations. Same as going to Costa or a chicken shop. Bollocks it is.

His desire for sex i. e. Validation is so strong though he's willing to risk a punch in the face from another guy to risk it.

OP, if you're reading this AND you want to avoid losing your dh, and your friend for that matter, you will from this point on put up a few barriers between you and your friend.
He wants sex and you're paying him a lot of attention.

Ignore the foolish majority who say go. They are wrong and know very little about men.

Your friendship will be over if you go because he'll reach for your hand, you'll be disillusioned and your friendship ends there.

If they didn't already see each other plenty, of he didn't have vouchers to use up so he'd asked her out of no where and was offering to pay, you MIGHT have a point. But if this was KFC vouchers instead her DH wouldn't care and the mates feelings, whatever they are, would be the same.
Is DH perhaps put out he can't afford such a treat?

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2023 08:14

DiscoBeat · 29/08/2023 20:53
It wouldn't feel right to me. I'd be hosting a meal at home instead, supportive together with your DH. Can he take a family member instead?”

This. I’d be worried about rebound attachment.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 08:14

@ErosandAgape I find going out on dates with other men when married, equally ridiculous

Sanitas · 31/08/2023 08:24

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 08:14

If they didn't already see each other plenty, of he didn't have vouchers to use up so he'd asked her out of no where and was offering to pay, you MIGHT have a point. But if this was KFC vouchers instead her DH wouldn't care and the mates feelings, whatever they are, would be the same.
Is DH perhaps put out he can't afford such a treat?

Show quote history

They're seeing each other now more than ever. I doubt the existence of the vouchers.
Of course kfc is not the same as restaurant date.
The mate's feelings would be the same but there is a reason why restaurants meals are viewed as romantic because they provide the right conditions for intimacy.
Everyone knows that.

Yeah his ego could be put out at not being able to afford it on top of everything else i. e. Another guy's blatant attempt to seduce his wife. Good point.

gannett · 31/08/2023 08:29

Sanitas · 31/08/2023 08:11

You appear to know nothing about men. How they think, act, it's all alien to you.
You think men want to be friends with women? They don't.

They may enjoy chatting to them, have women they enjoy the company of in a group setting, hell they may care about them and help them but they do not want them as friends they spend one on one time with.

If they do, it's for material gain or sex.

Of course he wants to have sex with her, it's as clear as day.

No self-respecting guy would tolerate the bullshit the OP is putting her dh through.

If she continues with this friendship, or at the very least fails to put up serious barriers, her marriage is over.

Going out for a romantic meal with another guy. It's just not on.

Show quote history

I would say that the one who appears never to have talked to a man in their life is you. What utter bollocks this entire post is. Stereotype after stereotype and devoid of intelligence.