To go to dinner with another man?

[Boogiewoogieanddance]

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

if its ok for your husband to take his, divorced female friend out to lunch, then it is ok for you to do the same
how fancy the restaurant is irrelevant

her husband already did this and OP was fine with it

Some of the responses here are so typical of this site - "HER boundaries are not the same as MY boundaries, and mine are correct so therefore she is wrong!"

Clearly the husband's boundaries are different from the OP's, but that's not to say either is necessarily right or justified. She would be disrespecting him if he pressed her not to go and she did anyway. He is already disrespecting her by assuming that she can't be alone in a date-like setting with a male friend, without getting date-like feelings.

Look it's bleedin' obvious this guy wants to get into the OP's underwear.

Even if she doesn't feel the same, I question whether or not or posh meal is worth the hassle.

OP, no moral judgement if you're stringing this guy along or feel the same about him as he does you, but, really, you cannot be serious if you think he doesn't want to become intimate with you.

It's too dumb for words.

Lots of opposing answers here about the possibility of platonic friendship or inevitability of inappropriate feelings developing... It isn't black and white, let's face it, it could be either.
But, whichever scenario is in the future one thing is for sure, with someone newly bereft of a life partner, there is sensitivity required here because he could easily get hurt if he falls for op when so vulnerable.

I agree with the poster who said i bet the friend wouldn't invite OP to this date if he was still married.

I think the friend is the most vulnerable one here, OPs and DH sees it.

I don't think it's that he doesn't trust you, OP. I think he sees that this is, coupled with the increase in the time you're spending with his under these specific circumstances, at risk of being seen by the male friend as something deeper than friendship.

Christ that was gobbledy-gook 😂

I hope you can work out the basics 🙄

Eating a meal in a restaurant with a glass of wine, low lights, dressed up..... not quite the same as a Costa coffee. Only on Mumsnet 😳

Agreed.

And to those suggesting they're not controlling or insecure, you're kidding yourself.

It's how these things start though. OPs DH has given OP some trust but he's well within his rights to decline on this one.

I think OP would be too thrilled if it was the other way.

I can totally see the difference between a shared coffee and tea cake in costa and a candle light dinner for two at a £££££ evening venue.

The later was bought as a wedding present, rather than a season ticket to costa, precisely because of it!

I wouldn't be particularly bothered if my husband went for dinner with a female friend, as long as he brought me a doggy bag lmao. I'd be jealous of the food more than anything.

I'm sure OP can blow out the candle, to reduce the chance she blows anything else later on.

Of course you can go for a romantic, candle-lit dinner with a friend, but whatever you do don't walk the dog afterwards. That is forbidden.

Where is it obvious?

Like I said, I'm doing sightseeing and drink and dinner and more drinks with a good male friend September. DH is categorically not invited, in fact he's looking after the kids. Does this friend also want to get into my underwear?

TBH I am not sure It would have occured to me to mention the posh dinner aspect to Mr Monkey.

I have a close male friend who is single and we often meet up for drinks and dinner - sometimes the dinner places are fancy depending on our mood. I often say to Mr Monkey - "oh I'm meeting X for dinner tonight" and that will be the end of it.

There's nothing disrespectful about having friends and seeing friends or eating with friends or drinking with friends. Not everyone gets loose moralled after a chicken dinner and a merlot

@SleepingStandingUp it's not about that though, why upset a partner if they have an issue with it? He doesn't have an issue with the friend, just this particular outing.

But that's literally anywhere. You are never alone in public with any adult bar your partner or perhaps a parent in case someone assumed you're in a relationship ?

I was sat at a training weekend with a friend, and a new guy asked if he was my partner. We laughed it off.

Different male friend, paid for dinner. Waitress made a comment about being able to tell the stage of a relationship by who pays and how. Again, we just found it funny.

If I'm sat in a coffee shop with someone, you have no idea of were dating or friends. Nor Maccies or the library or walking round Asda.

What about the cinema? You'd honestly never go with a female friend to the cinema in case someone assumed she was your partner?

Because I don't humour irrational behaviour. It's a thin edge of a wedge.

It doesn't mean it guarantees sex tho does it? And who mentioned candles?

@SleepingStandingUp Irrational in your opinion though, not in others opinion. It's completely thoughtless and uncaring to not consider a partners feelings in these situations.

My DH was have a HUGE problem with me doing what the OP is proposing to do and he's the most laid back man you could meet. It just wouldn't be appropriate.

In my opinion, yes.
Lots of men have female 'friends' for one ot two reasons:
Using their charms for material gain: access to money, housing etc.

To get intimate with them.

It's usually the latter, waiting for a chance to make a move

You know the obvious answer is usually the correct one: man invites woman to a romantic meal because he wants to be romantic with her.

It's been established i think that different people see it in different ways. Personally i don't believe there's a right or wrong. It would only matter if there was a difference of opinion within a relationship - like OP's situatuon.

So, the more important (and interesting) question really is:

Would you change your plan if your partner saw it differently to you?
Me: yes.
And the reason is that i'd like to think that in future my DH would do the same for me if i was feeling iffy about a situation he personally couldn't couldn't see a problem with.

OP - it's really up to you.

I think a scenario like this would lead me to start doubting my relationship

Not because I want to jump my friends bones because he treated me to dinner but because my partner would go in a huff about something he didn’t want to do. That kind of attitude is not an attractive feature in a partner and not somebody I want to be with

OP enjoy your meal!