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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 09:52

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:47

It's more significant because barriers are taken away because of booze etc.

People are influenced by their surroundings.

A private members' club is not really analogous to a restaurant.
Everyone knows you, barriers are up.

Show quote history

Is there not booze in nice clubs?
Does everyone know you?

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:52

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 09:41

People are assuming that the desire to cheat is enough.
It isn't: opportunity must be present, too.

So things are unlikely to progress over a sober coffee date but are once alcohol taken in a romantic setting.

But you seem to be assuming that the opportunity is enough, or that the desire is a given. If there is no desire to cheat, then the opportunity is irrelevant.

OP says not from her side. I don't quite believe her. Her dh is quite reasonably none to happy, it should be a no brainier, politely refuse, but she's not doing that, instead asking strangers. Why?
Plausible deniability.

You see this man is vulnerable, a friendly woman showing him kindness, now a restaurant meal, he's upping the ante.

I don't even buy the voucher business, it sounds like b. s. to me.

Elfandwellbeing · 30/08/2023 09:53

See problem is that some posters are cool with this set up and will say your dp is bu. Platonic friends etc.
Then there are other posters whose opinions are different, the set up you describe sounds like a date and is therefore perceived a “threat” to the relationship.
Do you mind or care that your dp might feel this way, are you content knowing that your attitude towards his feelings are something he “will get over” or are you instead prepared to put his feelings before your own?

I have noticed on mn that putting your feelings first over and above a man is often advised, and often much needed. I’m not sure here and the fact you are canvassing opinion from the internet says you are not sure either, it’s not the meal per se, it’s “can I ignore my dh feelings and concentrate on my own? Is he a decent man that gives you the same rewards in your relationship as you enjoy and expect?

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 10:01

@Sanitas so you've decided that OP wants to cheat. In which case the dinner is rather irrelevant, as she has bigger problems in her relationship. It's also a completely different question to the one most people are answering, which is can two platonic opposite sex friends have dinner.

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 10:03

WeWereInParis · 30/08/2023 10:01

@Sanitas so you've decided that OP wants to cheat. In which case the dinner is rather irrelevant, as she has bigger problems in her relationship. It's also a completely different question to the one most people are answering, which is can two platonic opposite sex friends have dinner.

I think it's possible she wants to cheat.

I'm 99.9% certain her friend does.

Nosleepforthismum · 30/08/2023 10:52

ErosandAgape · 30/08/2023 08:24

Absolutely nothing the OP has said indicates her friend has any sexual feelings whatsoever towards her. Leaving aside entirely the issue of using the restaurant voucher with him, I’m astonished that you think someone should end a close, longterm friendship because of a spouse’s ungrounded suspicions. As the OP’s friend’s experience suggests, good friendships frequently outlast marriages.

Show quote history

Uh huh. You mean apart from leaning heavily on her for emotional support after his split and inviting her for a posh evening meal that is usually reserved as a thing for couples?

I have male friends and yet if I was single I wouldn’t do what the OP’s “friend” is suggesting because it would be disrespectful to their partners/wives. I’m not saying the OP should end the friendship but the friend is newly single and vulnerable and the lines are getting blurred. Not to mention her DH (who presumably she values above this man) is uncomfortable with how much it seems to be progressing since he’s become single. I think you are naive to think this is purely platonic on his side.

SquigglyGum · 30/08/2023 11:14

I think it's fine to go. Its not something you would do with dh as he doesn't like those things, and you're using up a voucher so there's a back story. I'd probably try not to be his only support though over this period, in case any of it is misunderstood, so I hope he has other friends he can rely on too

Original poster
Boogiewoogieanddance · 30/08/2023 11:31

Thanks all. I honestly don't see an issue with it, was surprised DH did cause he would usually be quite chilled. Maybe he was hangry.. I'll talk to him again in a few days and see how he feels anyway. I have massive respect for him, he wouldn't stop me going but has just said I know how he feels. I think if I didn't go I would just end up being a bit resentful that I missed out on a meal that he would never go to anyway.

I think it would have been turned into a group outing if it was anywhere else.. but the meal and wine paring is £150+ per person so its not somewhere all friends are running to at short notice. Even if one more person come and we just had 3 meals we would all end up spending a fortune on drinks.

I'm not his only crutch, but we have good chats and laugh. They split quite recently so he's still in the early stages of being gutted so have been meeting him more just to keep him busy. I'm also on maternity leave so have more free time. I know when I go back to work here shortly everything will go back to normal and we will go ages without seeing eachother.

OP posts:
Monkeytoy · 30/08/2023 12:03

I would probably be fine if DH went for a meal with our female couple friend without me if her and her partner broke up and she had a gift card for the restaurant. I really trust both of them and know it’s platonic.

But saying that I do think you need to prioritise your DH feelings above your friends and your belly haha. If my DH was uncomfortable about it I’d probably question if he did trust me. But ultimately I wouldn’t go knowing it made DH upset

Castlerock44 · 30/08/2023 12:06

Ask yourself if you'd be happy if the situation was reversed. Would you be happy for him to go out with a recently separated woman? It all depends on how it makes the other person feel. We can't help our feelings.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/08/2023 12:09

Nah I wouldn't go for this. DH used to work with two women and whenever he goes back to that city with work he goes for dinner with them both and I guess if one couldn't make it I would be ok with it but this seems a bit sussed at least from his part

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 13:09

Hmm. Quite chilled usually so not a controlling guy then at all.
That should tell you it's not on.

Because it really isn't.

He's a man, he knows what other men are like, why don't you trust him on this? Because you clearly do not.

I honestly don't think men want or need platonic female friends but, even if you do, surely you see where this is headed?

Getting closer to him, now a fancy meal?

OP, I mean this nicely but you are naive to the nth degree.

Baystar · 30/08/2023 13:15

Think I'd respect my hubby on this one, maybe he feels that your friend has been leaning on you a tad too much and it's crossing a line on friends part.
Would your friend not return voucher to whoever gifted it, given the marriage sounds like it lasted for 5 minute think I'd feel uncomfortable keeping the gifts in his shoes.

PimpMyFridge · 30/08/2023 13:24

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 13:09

Hmm. Quite chilled usually so not a controlling guy then at all.
That should tell you it's not on.

Because it really isn't.

He's a man, he knows what other men are like, why don't you trust him on this? Because you clearly do not.

I honestly don't think men want or need platonic female friends but, even if you do, surely you see where this is headed?

Getting closer to him, now a fancy meal?

OP, I mean this nicely but you are naive to the nth degree.

Given your latest updates, I completely agree with this.

Also, you really should treat your friend with care here. Given he is recently been through a massive life upheaval and distressing emotional upset, he will be emotionally vulnerable to developing inappropriate feelings whether he wants to or not. We can't always control these things, and your support and laughter could cause him further complications and upset if he does develop feelings for you which he then had to wrestle with our if he discusses them, cause difficulties in your friendship/marriage.

To dismiss you normally chilled husband's feelings as maybe cos he's hangry is really unfair. He's being wise in answering caution.
It isn't as if he's a possessive jealous person.

I think you are in danger of enjoying fresh attention a little too much, and your friend is at risk of deeper emotional involvement than he would really be ready for so soon after a break up!

You should decline the meal but not cos your DH said so, because this is a situation that could easily develop, we're all only human, and unless you want life to get really really complicated you should be careful with someone's heart which is still raw like his will be.

PimpMyFridge · 30/08/2023 13:24

Omg the typos there!

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:26

purplebluediscorain · 29/08/2023 19:55

No matter what I wouldn’t stand for this at all, meeting for a coffee maybe but a nice restaurant and I can’t believe your friend has disrespected your partner place and even asked you.

What is it about the nice restaurant that implies they're going to have an affair?

Livelifelaughter · 30/08/2023 13:26

When your friend was married he probably wouldn't have invited you to a fancy meal without his wife ..I appreciate there are vouchers involved here. Your friend is using you as a surrogate date and it's off. I can understand why your husband isn't over the moon. Can you opt for lunch instead that doesn't have the same connotations...

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:27

Allywill · 29/08/2023 20:20

How long ago were they married? If I’d bought a voucher for the bride and groom to go out for a fancy meal as a wedding present I’d be a bit pissed off if he took someone else to be honest (if I ever found out)

If it's a quick ending they probably should return the gifts, I agree, but the gifters don't necessarily live local to the restaurant. Surely it going unused is worse?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:31

nutmegnook · 29/08/2023 20:35

I think a fair thing would be to have meal then straight after meet with your DH and this friend for a drink straight after. Maybe a compromise if your DH is uncomfortable with the situation.

Why? To prove they aren't have JG a quickie over the tiramisu? Why should DH have to be placated with a pint of beer?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:33

Offyoupoplove · 29/08/2023 23:08

I get your perspective but I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable. Many emotional/actual affairs probably start with one person having a tough time and the other comforting them. I think your DH is behaving like 90% of spouses would in this situation and you should respect his feelings and ask your friend to take someone else.

But you said the issue is one having a tough time and the other comforting them,not the price of the steak. Op can comfort him and fall in love in Pizza Express just as easily. Unless you think she's so easy she'll drop her knickers for a £50 main

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:34

ButterCrackers · 30/08/2023 07:31

I’d not go to the restaurant. Why not invite him for an evening drinks out with you and your dh.

Because it's about using a voucher up, not company.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:35

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:01

To be honest you should have.

Show quote history

Ofgs. So her bisexual bf can't be trusted to be alone with ANYONE cos he'll try and hump them?

Dreamingofasandybeach · 30/08/2023 13:37

if you put yourself in your hubbies shoes, would you be happy with him going to a fancy restaurant with a woman? that's all you need to think about. I personally wouldn't out of respect for my partner as I wouldn't be comfortable if he did it.

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 13:39

a posh evening meal that is usually reserved as a thing for couples
Is it? Hmm Who decided that?

When your friend was married he probably wouldn't have invited you to a fancy meal without his wife ..I appreciate there are vouchers involved here. Your second sentence explains your first.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2023 13:39

Sanitas · 30/08/2023 09:24

People are assuming that the desire to cheat is enough.
It isn't: opportunity must be present, too.

So things are unlikely to progress over a sober coffee date but are once alcohol taken in a romantic setting.

Why are people so dumb not to get this?

It's as simple as taking barriers away.

He clearly wants those barriers removed.

OP, the 30% who disagree with you are correct.
Unless you fancy him too - which I suspect you do because it's much easier to refuse on entirely reasonable grounds than to accept- in which case, go for it.

To be honest though, I think you're just looking to strangers for plausible deniability.

So the only thing holding op back from fucking him is a glass of expensive wine? I think this says more about you than op frankly.

September I'm going out with a male friend. We'll do lunch, go sightseeing, have a few drinks in a few bars, then go out for a nice dinner and have more to drink. He's single. I'm married. According to you I should buy findings because I'm destined to have sex with him and start a torrid affair