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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
TheWrenTheWren · 05/09/2023 14:22

GCSister · 05/09/2023 13:57

Exactly @TheWrenTheWren
My DH had just sent me a picture of him and a female colleague in a fancy restaurant. They have just found out that they've won a major award so they've gone out for a celebratory lunch.... they even have wine.

According to some posters I should probably assume they are now having sex 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, they are almost certainly ripping one another's clothes off in a cupboard at the restaurant, like Boris Becker and the waitress in the broom closet at Nobu. Because nothing says SEX like a large meal in a public place which is apparently only meant for couples.

Excellent on major award! 👏

SpiderExtinction · 05/09/2023 14:29

I think the issue is perhaps not the concern that they will have sex on the dining table but rather opening the door to how emotional affairs or awkward situations can develop.

GCSister · 05/09/2023 14:54

Yes, they are almost certainly ripping one another's clothes off in a cupboard at the restaurant, like Boris Becker and the waitress in the broom closet at Nobu. Because nothing says SEX like a large meal in a public place which is apparently only meant for couples.

Well, as long as he remembers he's on school pick up duty tonight!

Excellent on major award! 👏

They're an amazing team, it's well deserved.

GCSister · 05/09/2023 14:56

I think the issue is perhaps not the concern that they will have sex on the dining table but rather opening the door to how emotional affairs or awkward situations can develop.

But that can happen in all kinds of situations, thankfully people have agency and can make decisions as to whether they embark on an affair...

SleepingStandingUp · 05/09/2023 15:04

Sanitas · 04/09/2023 18:51

Not necessarily, could mean he doesn't trust HIM and just wants to save his wife the embarrassment and, yes, potential violence of rebuffing a man sexually.
Because you see he may have misinterpreted her kindness for attraction as men are won't to do.

Cause it is clear as day that he wants to become intimate with her.

And she does too by the sounds of it given her dh sounds an uncontrolling easy going sort who's only NOW expressing unease and not dominant at all.
But screw him, eh, he's only her husband. What does he know, he's clearly an idiot and the friend an angel with no lustful feelings towards her at all. (sarcasm, obviously).

Show quote history

Plenty of people do not want to fuck their friends.

For those that do, the tipping point is not because they once ate fancy food together.

IF OPs mate has feelings for her, he's just as likely to make a move then beat her up and kill her when she rejects him at any of the other places they go together.

You've already said that me going out to the city with my single male friend is proof my friend wants to have sex with me, despite knowing anything about what I look like, what kind of people we are or our proven record of 15 years of friendship and opportunity, so forgive me if I think your sense of judgement on op and her mate are very likely to be way off.

Plenty of people have said with no other info, they wouldn't like the fancy restaurant part. So it seems very likely this is what the DH is responding to, not to mention his stated jealousy that he can't afford to take her there. If he thought this guy was lusting afte his wife and liable to turn violent upon rejection, he'd be saying he didn't want her seeing him anywhere.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/09/2023 15:10

Sanitas · 04/09/2023 21:15

This is utterly and completely solipsistic.

It is not about you, nor for that matter the OP, but the friend's feelings towards her.
Why's that so difficult to understand?

The husband, rightly so I think , suspects the friend wants, to put it politely, intimacy with his wife.

Now he may trust her but he doesn't want his wife to be in a potentially confrontational situation when she refuses her 'friend' 's advances and he gets awkward about it.

What man would?

It's like some posters here are incapable of seeing how the men in this may think.

They just don't get it at all.

Show quote history

But you're the only person in this whole thread who KNOWS he is in lust with OP, will hit on her in the restaurant, that OP will pounce on him and have a torrid affair or your more recent she'll reject him and he'll become violent towards her and that DH also knows all of this and is just trying to desperately protect her. Does the fact only you KNOW all this not tell you something?
That your experience isn't the experience of the entire world? That your feelings towards your friend or their feelings towards you or your partner's friends feelings towards your partner are not Universal truths?

SpiderExtinction · 05/09/2023 16:23

@GCSister It can but it is more likely if someone is spending one on one time with another.

However, I agree with what you say. Everyone has a choice whether they cheat or not.

SoInLuv · 07/09/2023 22:26

Totally agree with the poster who said they wouldn't like their partner to do that 💯 I've just discussed it with my husband and we both would NOT like for each other to go to a fancy restaurant with another man/woman, platonic friend or not. It is inappropriate. A different story if it's MacDonalds but I still wouldn't like that 😁

TheWrenTheWren · 09/09/2023 15:49

SoInLuv · 07/09/2023 22:26

Totally agree with the poster who said they wouldn't like their partner to do that 💯 I've just discussed it with my husband and we both would NOT like for each other to go to a fancy restaurant with another man/woman, platonic friend or not. It is inappropriate. A different story if it's MacDonalds but I still wouldn't like that 😁

Edited

I'm fascinated by the thinking that McDonalds might be (grudgingly) just about acceptable, but tablecloths and a wine list suddenly make it 'inappropriate'.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2023 16:20

SoInLuv · 07/09/2023 22:26

Totally agree with the poster who said they wouldn't like their partner to do that 💯 I've just discussed it with my husband and we both would NOT like for each other to go to a fancy restaurant with another man/woman, platonic friend or not. It is inappropriate. A different story if it's MacDonalds but I still wouldn't like that 😁

Edited

Explain for the seemingly loose of morals amongst us who aren't turned on simply by a £30 main, what is so inappropriate about a public place of eating?

My single male friend is coming to see me end of the month. After some sightseeing and some drinks, we'll have dinner. It better be somewhere nice and fancy that I wouldn't usually go!

TheWrenTheWren · 09/09/2023 17:04

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2023 16:20

Explain for the seemingly loose of morals amongst us who aren't turned on simply by a £30 main, what is so inappropriate about a public place of eating?

My single male friend is coming to see me end of the month. After some sightseeing and some drinks, we'll have dinner. It better be somewhere nice and fancy that I wouldn't usually go!

Show quote history

Apparently you're only allowed to eat with him in McDonald's, because your knickers will automatically fly off if you set foot inside the door of somewhere with a sommelier.

TheAOEAztec · 09/09/2023 17:11

Dh used to take me on dates to Nandos.

Nowhere is safe, ya all!

Balloonhearts · 09/09/2023 17:13

I'd go. I have a lot of male friends and do the same sorts of things with them as I do with my female friends.

Sups79 · 09/09/2023 17:38

I could we waaayyy off the mark here but my guess is most of those who say their fine with it wouldn’t be if they were in the same situation.

If your husband isn’t comfortable with it, why bother causing an issue between the two of you? I’d politely decline the offer.

TheWrenTheWren · 09/09/2023 17:59

I could we waaayyy off the mark here but my guess is most of those who say their fine with it wouldn’t be if they were in the same situation.

Why, though? Obviously, there are people all over the internet arguing stuff, and no one knows whether they really think it or not, but I don't see why you'd think people are lying about this -- what would be the point?

I can assure you I'm fine with DH dining fancily (or non-fancily) with his female friends, and he's fine with me dining with my male ones.

I don't think it's wildly unusual, either. I saw a good friend of mine, who is happily married, having dinner with a very longtime single male friend of hers when I was out in town last week. Another mutual friend has either a lunch or dinner date once a week with a male friend of hers, both married. Another female friend stayed over for the weekend with a male friend of hers in another city. He's in the early stage of a new relationship, she's single.

These are all nice, ordinary people, who are a SAHM, an art teacher, an accountant, a restaurant manager, a yoga teacher and a helicopter pilot.

Not some kind of sexual libertines.

GCSister · 10/09/2023 08:28

I could we waaayyy off the mark here but my guess is most of those who say their fine with it wouldn’t be if they were in the same situation.

You are waaayyy off the mark. It doesn't bother me at all when DH goes out to fancy restaurants with female friends or colleagues.

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 12:18

I think that a lot of people are projecting so because THEY go for lots of fancy meals with lots of different people, including men, it is nothing for the OP to do the same. But the OP emphasised how it is not something that she and DH can normally do, and therefore how much of a treat it would be for her. That does appear to be an important consideration as I think it is sharing a form of intimacy that is out of reach of her husband.

GCSister · 10/09/2023 12:28

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 12:18

I think that a lot of people are projecting so because THEY go for lots of fancy meals with lots of different people, including men, it is nothing for the OP to do the same. But the OP emphasised how it is not something that she and DH can normally do, and therefore how much of a treat it would be for her. That does appear to be an important consideration as I think it is sharing a form of intimacy that is out of reach of her husband.

But the OPs husband has been offered the treat and turned it down, it's not something that appeals to him.
Why should the OP miss out?

Our friends won a treat similar to this and invited me and DH. At the last min DH got sent away for work. Instead of cancelling, my friends husband drafted in a friend to be my 'husband' for the night and DH was fine as he didn't want me to miss out.

I think we might have even sent DH pics of me with my new 'husband' enjoying champagne 😂😂

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 12:48

Don't think an event where your DH was originally invited is the same thing.

I may have missed it, but do not think the OP said that the husband has been offered the treat and turned it down. I think OP said that her DH wouldn't want to do it anyway due to being a set menu. It isn't clear whether she discussed it with him and it may have felt theoretical anyway as he wasn't invited and they can't afford to go as a couple.

GCSister · 10/09/2023 13:00

Don't think an event where your DH was originally invited is the same thing

Seriously, what difference does it make?

I may have missed it, but do not think the OP said that the husband has been offered the treat and turned it down. I think OP said that her DH wouldn't want to do it anyway due to being a set menu. It isn't clear whether she discussed it with him and it may have felt theoretical anyway as he wasn't invited and they can't afford to go as a couple.

You're right, he was offered something else but they couldn't make it work. However, the OP clearly knows what her DH likes and she knows this isn't his thing. This might the the only opportunity to experience this, why should she miss out? It's literally dinner with a friend...that's it.

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 13:09

In terms of the difference, I just think it is possible that the dinner might be an intimate occasion in a way that a group meal wouldn't be.

I think that given her DH is expressing unease, she may not know him quite as well as you state.

GCSister · 10/09/2023 13:21

in terms of the difference, I just think it is possible that the dinner might be an intimate occasion in a way that a group meal wouldn't be.

It was a meal with friends, just like this would be.....

I think that given her DH is expressing unease, she may not know him quite as well as you state.

I think she knows what food he likes!

MasterBeth · 10/09/2023 16:06

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 13:09

In terms of the difference, I just think it is possible that the dinner might be an intimate occasion in a way that a group meal wouldn't be.

I think that given her DH is expressing unease, she may not know him quite as well as you state.

A one-to-one dinner can of course be a more intimate setting than a group meal. It's probably inevitibly more intimate.

But if the OP is not interested in it being a romantic/sexual kind of intimate meal, then it's irrelevant how intimate it is.

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:34

I do agree about OP intention being (by far) the most important factor. However I don't think her DH's feelings are an irrelevance. But ignoring DH, I also think that humans are complex creatures that do not necessarily understand themselves very well, and are hugely influenced by social factors and the wider environment.

ErosandAgape · 10/09/2023 16:40

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:34

I do agree about OP intention being (by far) the most important factor. However I don't think her DH's feelings are an irrelevance. But ignoring DH, I also think that humans are complex creatures that do not necessarily understand themselves very well, and are hugely influenced by social factors and the wider environment.

What do you mean by your final sentence? That the OP doesn’t understand herself very well, and is subconsciously violently attracted to the friend? That she is subconsciously planning to seduce him over the crime brûlée?