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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:46

No I don't mean anything like that and do not think that anything overtly sexual will happen. But I do think that she may respond to the intimate environment in more subtle ways. Or she may not, but it is

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:46

An environment designed to encourage such a response

MasterBeth · 10/09/2023 16:47

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:34

I do agree about OP intention being (by far) the most important factor. However I don't think her DH's feelings are an irrelevance. But ignoring DH, I also think that humans are complex creatures that do not necessarily understand themselves very well, and are hugely influenced by social factors and the wider environment.

I can only speak for myself, but I know myself well enough.

At least well enough to know that I wouldn't be suddenly attracted to a man who I previously wasn't attracted to by the sight of a fancy dinner.

And even if I was suddenly smitten, I would still know that I am happily and strongly married and would know I shouldn't act on this new desire.

I'm certainly not going to live my life in hiding on the off-chance that I might suddenly become deeply attracted to men that I am not attracted to.

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:52

And, for what it is worth, I think that is entirely reasonable and rationale. It is the people who say that it is just like going to McDonald's that I can't understand...

MasterBeth · 10/09/2023 16:55

A meal at McDonald's could be the most intimate, romantic, sexually-charged meal of your life. Love (or lust) isn't all about candles and tablecloths and nine-course tasting menus.

Thatisthewayaha · 10/09/2023 16:57

I agree it is possible, but one environment is designed to elicit a romantic and intimate response, and one isn't.

MRSBoredsome · 10/09/2023 18:02

I stopped keeping in touch with all my male friends when I got married to my husband. I wouldn't go out for dinner alone with any men other than him. Your male friend should meet up with his family, male friends or single female friends but not married women.

If my husband's friends, children's friends or my neighbours saw me being with an unknown man in a restaurant in the evening, they might feel weird. They might spread rumours.

TheAOEAztec · 10/09/2023 18:10

MRSBoredsome · 10/09/2023 18:02

I stopped keeping in touch with all my male friends when I got married to my husband. I wouldn't go out for dinner alone with any men other than him. Your male friend should meet up with his family, male friends or single female friends but not married women.

If my husband's friends, children's friends or my neighbours saw me being with an unknown man in a restaurant in the evening, they might feel weird. They might spread rumours.

Two questions. Is that from different cultural pressure and di your DH cut off all unrelated females?

Livelifelaughter · 10/09/2023 18:52

But it's not quite so simple, it's a wedding gift, OP is standing in for a wife...

GCSister · 10/09/2023 20:01

MRSBoredsome · 10/09/2023 18:02

I stopped keeping in touch with all my male friends when I got married to my husband. I wouldn't go out for dinner alone with any men other than him. Your male friend should meet up with his family, male friends or single female friends but not married women.

If my husband's friends, children's friends or my neighbours saw me being with an unknown man in a restaurant in the evening, they might feel weird. They might spread rumours.

And?
Why do you care what other people think?

SoInLuv · 11/09/2023 17:04

@TheWrenTheWren I know, right ✅️ 😏 Hence why I inserted the "😁" emoji and that u still wouldn't like it. A fancy restaurant makes it look worse though.

Canuckduck · 11/09/2023 17:18

In these circumstances I’d have no issue with my partner going out and vice versa. We trust each other and honestly if he’s going to cheat on me it won’t be on this, very obvious occasion!

In terms of public image, that also seems weird. Are you never allowed out with a man who isn’t your husband? What if it’s for work or your brother! Is the restaurant only for ‘lovers’!

Also who would ask for a present to be returned from someone whose wife left them?!

QuizzlyBears · 11/09/2023 17:28

This site is batshit sometimes. I’m bisexual, by much of the rationale here I shouldn’t be going out for dinner with female friends?! If you’re in a trusting, healthy relationship then it shouldn’t matter who you’re having dinner with. I'd have zero issue with this and neither would my partner. Because we trust each other and there is zero jealousy.

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 07:45

I guess people are referring to what is called environment affecting us more than we think. Situationism it's called.
I understand those saying that if BOTH are in healthy relationships it doesn't matter but the friend clearly is NOT and they're missing this bit.

Wonder how the dinner went.
Really love to know. It's been over a fortnight since this thread started.

I'm very much a naysayer. And yes what people think does matter. Imagine having people say that your dh was in a dimly lit restaurant with another woman.

I think if you live a metropolitan lifestyle whereby your life consists of socialising with a lot of people this may not occur to you to be an issue.

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 07:51

For example, Londoners who work in the media where going out to restaurants with whomever is no big deal I can see them thinking what's the problem. I can imagine a busy hub bub of a brightly lit restaurant, I and others are imagining a dimly lit restaurant with roses etc.

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:34

I understand those saying that if BOTH are in healthy relationships it doesn't matter but the friend clearly is NOT and they're missing this bit.

We're not missing this bit. We're saying it doesn't matter!

I'm very much a naysayer. And yes what people think does matter. Imagine having people say that your dh was in a dimly lit restaurant with another woman.

Why would it matter? If both you and DH know it's innocent why let gossip rule your life?

I think if you live a metropolitan lifestyle whereby your life consists of socialising with a lot of people this may not occur to you to be an issue.
That is true.

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:38

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 07:51

For example, Londoners who work in the media where going out to restaurants with whomever is no big deal I can see them thinking what's the problem. I can imagine a busy hub bub of a brightly lit restaurant, I and others are imagining a dimly lit restaurant with roses etc.

I live nowhere near London and don't work in the media 😂

It's my DHs birthday and he told me lady might that his female colleague is taking him out for lunch and he is choosing the restaurant.
He's chosen somewhere he knows I wouldn't like as it's an opportunity to eat there with someone else who would enjoy it. It's a very nice restaurant and is probably dimly lit and decorated nicely....... it's not even occurred to me to be concerned about it because it's not an issue.
They will absolutely be spotted by someone they know, but who cares?

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:39

*told me last night

ErosandAgape · 14/09/2023 08:48

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:38

I live nowhere near London and don't work in the media 😂

It's my DHs birthday and he told me lady might that his female colleague is taking him out for lunch and he is choosing the restaurant.
He's chosen somewhere he knows I wouldn't like as it's an opportunity to eat there with someone else who would enjoy it. It's a very nice restaurant and is probably dimly lit and decorated nicely....... it's not even occurred to me to be concerned about it because it's not an issue.
They will absolutely be spotted by someone they know, but who cares?

Show quote history

@Sanitas cares. And thinks you should care, clearly. The idea!

I lived in London for ten years, but now living very far from a ‘metropolitan lifestyle’.

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:56

@ErosandAgape

I don't think I've ever lived a metropolitan lifestyle 😂😂
I do socialise an awful lot though and maybe people do gossip about me but I really couldn't care less.
Life is too short to worry about shit like that.

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 09:07

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:38

I live nowhere near London and don't work in the media 😂

It's my DHs birthday and he told me lady might that his female colleague is taking him out for lunch and he is choosing the restaurant.
He's chosen somewhere he knows I wouldn't like as it's an opportunity to eat there with someone else who would enjoy it. It's a very nice restaurant and is probably dimly lit and decorated nicely....... it's not even occurred to me to be concerned about it because it's not an issue.
They will absolutely be spotted by someone they know, but who cares?

Show quote history

This would concern me greatly. Why is a female colleague wanting to take him out alone and not in a group?
You may trust him, but her? It's not something I would not like. Hassle to be avoided. Even if innocent on HIS part.

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 09:07

GCSister · 14/09/2023 08:38

I live nowhere near London and don't work in the media 😂

It's my DHs birthday and he told me lady might that his female colleague is taking him out for lunch and he is choosing the restaurant.
He's chosen somewhere he knows I wouldn't like as it's an opportunity to eat there with someone else who would enjoy it. It's a very nice restaurant and is probably dimly lit and decorated nicely....... it's not even occurred to me to be concerned about it because it's not an issue.
They will absolutely be spotted by someone they know, but who cares?

Show quote history

This would concern me greatly. Why is a female colleague wanting to take him out alone and not in a group?
You may trust him, but her? It's not something I would not like. Hassle to be avoided. Even if innocent on HIS part.

GCSister · 14/09/2023 09:13

This would concern me greatly. Why is a female colleague wanting to take him out alone and not in a group?

Because they are friends as well as colleagues.

You may trust him, but her? It's not something I would not like. Hassle to be avoided. Even if innocent on HIS part.

I know her and like her. She's not interested in him sexually or romantically.
What hassle? It's lunch. With a friend.

GCSister · 14/09/2023 09:23

I also don't think it's particularly healthy to assume everyone has an ulterior motive....
it must be exhausting.

MasterBeth · 14/09/2023 10:36

Sanitas · 14/09/2023 07:45

I guess people are referring to what is called environment affecting us more than we think. Situationism it's called.
I understand those saying that if BOTH are in healthy relationships it doesn't matter but the friend clearly is NOT and they're missing this bit.

Wonder how the dinner went.
Really love to know. It's been over a fortnight since this thread started.

I'm very much a naysayer. And yes what people think does matter. Imagine having people say that your dh was in a dimly lit restaurant with another woman.

I think if you live a metropolitan lifestyle whereby your life consists of socialising with a lot of people this may not occur to you to be an issue.

I understand those saying that if BOTH are in healthy relationships it doesn't matter but the friend clearly is NOT and they're missing this bit.

The OP is not responsible for her friend or his (potential) behaviour. If he says anything inappropriate, or makes a move on her, it's on him.

We can't live our lives in some intense double-bluff where we are playing 3D chess with other people's intentions and behaviour. ("What if I do this and then he does this and then I do this and...").

It's perfectly fine to assume the best of people unless they behave differently. The OP knows this guy as a friend. She is married. Those are circumstances where a well behaved man will not say or do anything inappropriate.