To go to dinner with another man?

[Boogiewoogieanddance]

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

@Sanitas You raise some thought provoking points in your recent post.

It would appear that problems within the marriage seem to have been created by this scenario and I do agree with you that if her DH is uncomfortable with the situation, his feelings should come first as I would hope he would be more important than the friend.

I don't agree that OP is going to have an affair, that's perhaps a little too presumptuous but it does open the door to it happening, if it's going to happen.

I don't believe the friend is doing anything intentionally to cause problems in their marriage, he probably just thinks all is fine as OPs DH has been fine with them being friends and going out with each other so far. Whilst it could be seen by some as inappropriate to ask her to the meal, likewise there are some who have no issue with this sort of friendship. Also, it has always been ok with her DH so the friend is not to know that this is causing issues. The onus is on the OP to put her marriage and DHs feelings first or at least have a discussion.

However, as this thread shows, there are a wide range of opinions and viewpoints and what is acceptable for one marriage, won't be acceptable for another.

She will have an affair. It's pretty clear now. Best of luck, OP. They rarely end well.

She will have an affair. It's pretty clear now. Best of luck, OP. They rarely end well.

Can I have next week's lottery numbers please??

But OP's husband doesn't usually object, he sounds a nice guy. He feels uncomfortable and I think that's in a range of reasonable responses...

Do you honestly think every time you have a glass of wine that you might have sex with someone other than your partner?? Sounds like you have a drinking problem....

@SleepingStandingUp It is proven that alcohol lowers inhibitions and people have been known to engage in activities they wouldn't normally do.

I don't need to err on the side of caution as pt whether I'm going to shag some other guy. DH wanting me to err on the side of caution would prove he doesn't trust ME. When I go out for dinner and drinks with my friend next month, I don't have to think about if I'll have sex with him because I won't. Some of us have the agency over our own genitals.

They're going out for dinner, not getting absolutely plastered and so put of their head they lose all control. So a few glasses of wine will still only lower inhibitioms do something you want to do.

Maybe she should go to dinner with this dude....

@SleepingStandingUp A glass of wine shouldn't a problem.

Meant to say "shouldn't be a problem".

Not necessarily, could mean he doesn't trust HIM and just wants to save his wife the embarrassment and, yes, potential violence of rebuffing a man sexually.
Because you see he may have misinterpreted her kindness for attraction as men are won't to do.

Cause it is clear as day that he wants to become intimate with her.

And she does too by the sounds of it given her dh sounds an uncontrolling easy going sort who's only NOW expressing unease and not dominant at all.
But screw him, eh, he's only her husband. What does he know, he's clearly an idiot and the friend an angel with no lustful feelings towards her at all. (sarcasm, obviously).

OP, you still gonna go on the date? If I were your dh I'd leave you over this.
See that's not controlling you, that's him controlling himself,

NO WAY would I stand for this utter and blatant disregard of my intuition and feelings for a 'friend'.

@Sanitas the op hasn't even responded to you so what are you getting really worked up about her situation?
There's so much projection going on here it's ridiculous.

For all you know they could have discussed this sensibly and come to an understanding that works for everyone.

You are far too invested.

From what I have read, it cannot be assumed what the intentions are of both the OP and her friend. I don't believe it's obvious they are attracted to each other at all.

If you were my partner and you left me over this, I would help you pack to get you out quicker

If my partner had an issue with me going out with a friend, regardless of the setting, that’s not a relationship I want to be in

Jesus this thread - am confident the naysayers will have thoroughly convinced the OP she should go in case she is missing out in manky topics or just to see if one whisky makes her frisky. The gross stereotyping of men from posters who think the OP is disrespecting her husband is laughable. I met my male best friend when he was single and we went out loads - even - shock - meals at night. Early on he said he was worried my husband wouid think something was going on and I laughed and explained I hadn’t married a cave man. We adore each other and he became best mates with my dh and me with his wife when he met then married her. Men are human too. Friends are friends regardless of their sex. If you can’t judge whether the person is a friend then you have s bigger problem.

This is utterly and completely solipsistic.

It is not about you, nor for that matter the OP, but the friend's feelings towards her.
Why's that so difficult to understand?

The husband, rightly so I think , suspects the friend wants, to put it politely, intimacy with his wife.

Now he may trust her but he doesn't want his wife to be in a potentially confrontational situation when she refuses her 'friend' 's advances and he gets awkward about it.

What man would?

It's like some posters here are incapable of seeing how the men in this may think.

They just don't get it at all.

The husband, rightly so I think , suspects the friend wants, to put it politely, intimacy with his wife.

Unless you are the OP’s DH you have no idea what he thinks (even though you seem to think you know everything about everyone)

In that case there's no point in there being an aibu topic at all is there, of course people are going to give their opinion..

And it does seem a very, very, very likely case that he thinks the friend wants intimacy with his wife, it's the most likely explanation given the rest of the time he doesn't try to stop her doing anything she wants and is easy going.

@Sanitas, are you a man? You seem obsessed with the feelings and intentions of the men in this scenario, when the important element is the feelings and intent of the OP.

If she’s not attracted to her friend, has no wish to have a romantic or sexual relationship with him, and is going to dinner with the most platonic and innocent of intentions, then it’s irrelevant if the friend is in fact (on no evidence this is the case) planning to rock up with condoms and a hotel booking. She’s not interested.

It's relevant for several reasons.
Firstly, this DOES seem like the sort of thing a couple would do.

Secondly, given the first point, it seems likely he wants an intimate setting with her, not the middle of Costa coffee and she has no idea how this guy will react if she refuses his attempts at a sexual pass.
(Men often misinterpret female concern for attraction.)

None at all. I guess even if her husband trusts her, he may be concerned about that.

They're all really good male friends until they make their genuine intentions known.

He's worried about his wife.
And that's reasonable yet he gets disrespected and ignored.

Secondly, given the first point, it seems likely he wants an intimate setting with her, not the middle of Costa coffee and she has no idea how this guy will react if she refuses his attempts at a sexual pass.
(Men often misinterpret female concern for attraction.)

I really can't cope with the amount of sweeping generalisations. It's painful to read.

The reason it's not Costa is because he had vouchers, vouchers that are about to run out.
The vouchers are for a restaurant that the oP has explained is expensive and therefore a treat she wouldn't be able us afford for herself.... not to mention the fact her OP wouldn't enjoy it.
It's important to stick to the facts you know rather than speculate.

But they aren't a couple.

Certainly couples can and do go for meals at high-end restaurants (and the voucher was intended for a couple, who are no longer together, hence the OP being invited), but so do lots of other types/sets of people. My DH had dinner in a fancy modern Italian place in central London last night, with a business associate in town from Australia. At the next table Bill Nighy was having dinner with another man, possibly his agent. When we lived in London I often ate in the same place with DH, with male and female friends one-on-one, and once with a male colleague before we went to the theatre. High-end restaurants aren't the sole domain of couples.

Your other stuff is pure speculation based on your own sexualised view of men as incapable of disinterested friendship with women, presumably because you view men purely in terms of their sex and can't imagine just being friends with them.

What is it that you imagine would happen differently if the OP were to reject a pass in a Michelin-starred restaurant as distinct from in a Costa? Do you imagine they're going to be in some kind of private room, rather than in a public dining room surrounded by other people (like a Costa)? Are you suggesting he's going to get violent if she rejects a pass?

Exactly @TheWrenTheWren
My DH had just sent me a picture of him and a female colleague in a fancy restaurant. They have just found out that they've won a major award so they've gone out for a celebratory lunch.... they even have wine.

According to some posters I should probably assume they are now having sex 🤷🏼‍♀️