To go to dinner with another man?

[Boogiewoogieanddance]

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

😂😂😂😂

Sad that there are people in the world living such limited lives because they can’t accept that men can just be friends with women and vice versa

And I am not naive @Sanitas In fact I think you are

I agree. This has the potential to cause marriage problems.

Yes, a complete lack of trust in your partner not to be able to have dinner with a friend without shagging them is an issue.

@Frabbits It's nothing to do with trust. It's what each person finds acceptable in a marriage and OPs DH clearly feels uncomfortable about it. Disregarding his feelings in this manner is not going to be a positive thing for any marriage.

It's totally about trust. Marriage isn't about indulging every little paranoid thought someone has.

Partners don't get to be controlling fuckwits and veto their OH's seeing other people. That's not healthy.

I get that it's the sort of eatery you'd go to for a special date or celebration rather than with your friend however I think as you've explained about the vouchers it makes sense.
You're OH may be a bit jealous. That doesn't mean he doesn't trust you. It doesn't even mean he's wrong to feel a small pang. What's wrong is to say he doesn't want you to go.
Don't keep telling him he has nothing to be jealous of, that's disregarding his feelings. Acknowledge his feelings and maybe tell him it's good to know he can still feel so territorial.

Look OP I know this is AIBU but really. In this situation I don't think other people's opinions are much relevant. This isn't a clear cut situation unlike, say, your husband preventing you from seeing male friends at all (bad).
The only person whose opinion matters (other than you) is your DH. He has already said he's uncomfortable with it. Personally I agree with him, logically yes there should be no reason, it's 'just a gift' etc etc but it wouldn't sit right with me. I can't logic away the feeling. My wedding is special to me, so is everything I got from it and if God forbid something happened to DH I could never coldly see it as 'just' a gift. Unlike a birthday or Christmas present.

There's another thread on here with a woman feeling a bit apprehensive about attending a wedding 'with' a male friend, all above board but she still had quite a bit of emotion as it was the first wedding she attended without her (recently passed away) DH! Feelings are feelings.

Usually if it's a woman posting on here, especially with the context that her H had been spending more time than usual with a newly divorced woman MN would be up in arms, but that's by the by.

Anyway, if you want to go badly enough to 'talk him around', that's your prerogative but I wonder why you're so insistent on going. As much as I like food I wouldn't put a free meal over my husband's feelings. And I highly doubt that whatever arguments people have put forth on MN are going to convince him, like I said this isn't something that can be 'logic-ed' away. But it's your marriage, you know your husband best. Neither of you are wrong I'd say you both have your feelings. Whether you want to go despite failing to talk him around, or whether he will come around once he's talked to .. that's up to you.

Both the people calling your husband rude names ('controlling ') and the people saying your marriage would be over are being utterly dramatic. I wouldn't pay any attention to them!

@Frabbits In your opinion it's not healthy but in my opinion it's not healthy to develop close friendships with other men who aren't your partner. That's how affairs start and it's naive to think otherwise. The closer you become to someone and form a bond, the further away you can drift from your partner and then the doors are opened for an affair.

So if it's to do with trust (according to your perception) would you be ok with your partner doing anything with a woman? Showering? Sleeping in bed together?

I understand people can't help feeling a particular way but that doesn't mean you have act upon feelings that might be unreasonable. Otherwise where would that leave us? What if the OPs husband decided he didn't want her to be friends with the person in question because it made him uncomfortable? What if he decided she couldn't work with men because that made him uncomfortable? Would you be saying 'but those are his feelings'??

You can apply logic and address feelings in a sensible way. Like reasonable adults.

your opinion it's not healthy but in my opinion it's not healthy to develop close friendships with other men who aren't your partner. That's how affairs start and it's naive to think otherwise. The closer you become to someone and form a bond, the further away you can drift from your partner and then the doors are opened for an affair.

Are you really that one dimensional? Men and women can't have close friendships with each other because it's inevitable that they'll end up having an affair?
I'm afraid it's you who are naive, most adults don't behave that way. Im perfectly capable of forming a bond with someone without having an affair as are most people I know.

Of course affairs happen, but locking yourself away from the world won't stop them 🙄

@GCSister I'm not saying it will always result in an affair, I'm saying that is how it starts. You only have to look on the boards on here to know that's true.

Of course you can't hide away from life but I've got through life perfectly fine without getting into situations which could cause issues. I still have a social life, it's just within certain boundaries.

It only works if both are on the same page though.

It must be absolutely exhausting to think you can only stay faithful to your spouse by keeping yourself strictly away, physically and psychologically, from anyone you could potentially have sex with.

I just can’t imagine trusting myself so little.

@ErosandAgape Clearly everything I am saying is being either misinterpreted at best or deliberately twisted at worst.

I said that is how affairs usually start and how cracks enter into a relationship. Not all the time but that is how it happens.

You didn't answer my question. Would you be ok with your husband sharing a bed with another woman? Showering with another woman? Providing nothing happened and they didn't do anything sexual, you should trust him right?

You're willing to sacrifice your relationship with your husband for the sake of a fancy dinner you can't afford otherwise.

I'm on your husband's side.

If he's uncomfortable with it, which is perfectly reasonable, it should have been the end of it. No need to come to the internet for that.

He's separated.
He confides in you in this hard time.
Offers to take you out on a fancy dinner, which yes, does sound like a date.

You might have innocent intents but the set up is really not good.

Thsre are countries which are aet uo like that.... I always said that some mumsnetters would be very happy in these contrary to mkaning about exactly that separation of sexes....

I am still giggling at "intimate dinner" and wondering if you can do that in Nandos

I'm sorry but that's such a sad way to live. Do you really not trust yourself not to be unfaithful?
What situations should you avoid because I've known people start affairs on the school run and with their next door neighbour! How do you avoid those situations?

Affairs happens because people choose to be unfaithful, they don't happen by accident. There is always a choice.

I have complete faith in my ability to not cheat on my husband so it's not a problem if I make friends or form bonds with other people.... male or female as I'm bisexual.

The big flaw in your argument is the definition of 'reasonable'. Logic is something cast in stone. Questions of feelings, and by implication morality are not. It's a spectrum. There is no such thing as logic and a 'sensible way' to apply feelings in all situations because what is sensible for you is not sensible for someone else.

Situation A:
You have made up examples, such as 'drop friend because husband uncomfortable'. Which the 'vast majority' (picking words here carefully) would find an 'unreasonable' complaint from the husband, in the absence of further evidence.
Situation B:
I can also make up examples, such as 'my wife spending more time with another man compared to me and prioritising him', that the vast majority of people would find a 'reasonable' complaint.
Situation C:
Of course, some things are most definitely clear cut. Someone banning their spouse from going out at all -unanimous! Banning all interaction with opposite sex - unanimous!

You think this a situation C, he is clearly being unreasonable and should deal with his feelings sensibly. I think not. If he is otherwise fine with whatever the OP does and just objects to this his feelings are valid, not 'insensible' or 'illogical' as you seem to imply. Your made up examples are irrelevant. They are logical fallacies of a slippery slope, or false equivalences.

As a PP said there's a lot of black and white thinking on this thread, and inability to accept nuance.

@GCSister People who you never thought in a million years could cheat in the right circumstances, no one is immune.

I love my husband so I wouldn't put myself in a position where bonds could form with another man, making my husband feel concerned and that he is not as important. So it's more about how my DH feels, not about not trusting myself.

@JaneIntheBox I completely agree. What is reasonable within a relationship is subjective which is why all feelings and motivations for those feelings need to be considered.

Your made up examples are irrelevant.

As are everyone else's 🤷🏼‍♀️
It doesn't stop people using them to support their argument. There are people comparing a dinner in a public restaurant to showering!!!

Ridiculous

But cheating is always a choice. You don't start an affair by accident.
And given affairs can start in all kinds of circumstances which situations do you avoid?

I'm so pleased my husband's ego isn't so fragile that a friendship would leave him feeling threatened.

Exactly.
If I thought my husband's feelings were generally unreasonable I wouldn't have married him in the first place. If he was abusive, controlling etc etc then this would manifest in a lot of other things.
It amazes me how much people leap to conclusions, and project the state of things from one small occurrence.
The OP's husband being a reasonable man in general is different from him being controlling. We don't know him. The OP does.
If he's the former and she still puts a free meal over his opinion that's on her. Voucher being 'wasted' is not even her problem anyway.
If he's the latter certainly she shouldn't be caring about anything he says, but also that's a bad marriage.
We don't know which it is.

FWIW my husband has a boring palate, so I'm often out with male friends, or just one of them, eating in nice places! Doesn't bother him at all. If he expressed concerns about a particular outing though I'd pay close attention, because there'd be something different about it. I know him, and I value his opinion. If i married a man constantly trying to tell me what to do.. I'd roundly tell him to piss off and call a divorce solicitor.

My point was based upon the notion of trust as someone raised that was the reason why i have my views. I was demonstrating why not do these other things if you trust your partner.

This! If he has no one to go to the restaurant with, shouldn’t he give it back ?

Sorry , missed last comment re the gift.