Page 17 | To go to dinner with another man?

Boogiewoogieanddance · 2023-08-29T18:42:36+00:00

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions. A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu. He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company. DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date. I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway. I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter? Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

GCSister · 01/09/2023 18:11

puffyisgood · 01/09/2023 18:08

it's imo no good, just the two of you.

But why?

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 18:14

GCSister · 01/09/2023 18:11

And @GrannyGoggins I ask with good intentions not to berate you.

Both me and DH have progressed into careers which involve a significant amount of networking. He happens to work in a female dominated profession so that often means lunch/dinner with female colleagues or professional contacts. It would be hugely detrimental to his career if he didn't do this.

I travel internationally and this means I socialise with men and women both in groups and 1:1. I'm also bisexual so I guess in your opinion I shouldn't go out with anyone other than my husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

In a business context that makes sense, and I wouldn't have a problem with it, it's not a real choice but OP's friend has asked her to step into the place which would have been for his wife...

GCSister · 01/09/2023 18:19

In a business context that makes sense, and I wouldn't have a problem with it, it's not a real choice but OP's friend has asked her to step into the place which would have been for his wife...

What's the difference between having dinner with a colleague you've known for years and now consider a friend and going for dinner with a friend? The work context doesn't really make a difference.
Yes, the vouchers were clearly meant for him and wife but by taking a friend it doesn't mean he actually thinks she's his wife and she doesn't have a to act like a wife.

I went to a concert with a male friend cos his wife couldn't make it. That didn't mean I was his actual wife during that time 😂😂

Plus, @GrannyGoggins had said she wouldn't socialise professionally in a 1:1 situation......

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 19:00

GCSister · 01/09/2023 18:19

In a business context that makes sense, and I wouldn't have a problem with it, it's not a real choice but OP's friend has asked her to step into the place which would have been for his wife...

What's the difference between having dinner with a colleague you've known for years and now consider a friend and going for dinner with a friend? The work context doesn't really make a difference.
Yes, the vouchers were clearly meant for him and wife but by taking a friend it doesn't mean he actually thinks she's his wife and she doesn't have a to act like a wife.

I went to a concert with a male friend cos his wife couldn't make it. That didn't mean I was his actual wife during that time 😂😂

Plus, @GrannyGoggins had said she wouldn't socialise professionally in a 1:1 situation......

I get what you're saying and there's a logic to it, but I can't help feeling OP is being asked not just because she's a friend but because she's a female friend and while there's nothing going on for her, the friend on some level wants to spend an evening in a romantic setting; obviously I don't know if the restaurant is romantic but clearly the person buying the gift thought it was a nice place for a newly married couple. I have also been to events when a wife didn't want to go but the invite came from both the husband and the wife...and because I was interested in the event.

gannett · 01/09/2023 19:11

This "romantic setting" stuff is total bollocks. I have dined at so many fancy restaurants with such a variety of dining companions - male friends, female friends, work colleagues, DP himself - and it's never struck me as inherently romantic. The romance of the setting is down to who you're with, not the setting per se (or are we going to start policing who we can observe sunsets with?).

Tbh I'm more likely to be in a food coma after indulging in a tasting menu and multiple bottles of wine than in the mood for romance.

GCSister · 01/09/2023 19:17

I get what you're saying and there's a logic to it, but I can't help feeling OP is being asked not just because she's a friend but because she's a female friend and while there's nothing going on for her, the friend on some level wants to spend an evening in a romantic setting; obviously I don't know if the restaurant is romantic but clearly the person buying the gift thought it was a nice place for a newly married couple. I have also been to events when a wife didn't want to go but the invite came from both the husband and the wife...and because I was interested in the event.

It feels to me like people are projecting.
It's a fancy restaurant but that doesn't make it romantic. It sounds like a 'foodie' place which some people like..... my idea of hell if I'm honest! The vouchers were probably bought because it was a foodie place rather than it being romantic 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why should the op and her friend miss out on an experience they'd probably both enjoy because people have weird ideas about who it's appropriate to have a meal with?

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 19:24

gannett · 01/09/2023 19:11

This "romantic setting" stuff is total bollocks. I have dined at so many fancy restaurants with such a variety of dining companions - male friends, female friends, work colleagues, DP himself - and it's never struck me as inherently romantic. The romance of the setting is down to who you're with, not the setting per se (or are we going to start policing who we can observe sunsets with?).

Tbh I'm more likely to be in a food coma after indulging in a tasting menu and multiple bottles of wine than in the mood for romance.

Exactly. A really beautiful meal in no way pairs well with having sex afterwards. I’d be very surprised if much sex happens in the (lovely) rooms at Le Manoir aux Quat’ Saisons.

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 19:27

@GCSister Ops husband is uncomfortable with it though so I guess the question would be, what's more important? Relationship or going out for a meal?

GCSister · 01/09/2023 19:29

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 19:27

@GCSister Ops husband is uncomfortable with it though so I guess the question would be, what's more important? Relationship or going out for a meal?

Depends why he's uncomfortable .... I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust me 🤷🏼‍♀️

QueSyrahSyrah · 01/09/2023 20:03

The romance of the setting is down to who you're with, not the setting per se (or are we going to start policing who we can observe sunsets with?

This is a really good point actually. All the posters banging on about the overwhelming romance of a nice restaurant how do you know?

There's a Michelin star place near us that despite the phenomenal food could not be more corporate if it tried. It's in a smart business hotel and on Friday nights the bar and restaurant are both full of braying twats from trust companies trying to out knob-head each other & making off-colour remarks to waitresses. Not exactly my idea of a romantic idyll, but the food is excellent.

JaneIntheBox · 01/09/2023 20:14

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:13

There's a lot of comments on here which are a bit black and white. One group saying "it's normal, trust each other " the other the opposite. I am saying I don't like my boyfriend, partner whatever basically acting as a surrogate date. The friend has surely other close friends? He actually have invited the person who gave the gift. I just wouldn't invite a male married friend out for dinner and pay the bill, it's not just eating dinner but it's basically sharing a very special treat, that was originally intended for a honeymoon/married couple.
Also, affairs start somewhere maybe not over this dinner but it's intimate, it's not breakfast, I presume they will both be dressed up and it's special. The friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about. There's a lot to this, he could have invited OPs husband but no he wants a fancy meal with a woman who is there in place of his wife.

Exactly.
It's not something you can just 'logic' away.
DH and I both have a variety of friends and see them in a variety of situations. We certainly don't think that being alone with the opposite sex = SHAG.
I would however feel uncomfortable at using someone else's wedding present. Activity that's clearly meant for a couple. DH would feel the same.

But more importantly, knowing that we're reasonable people I'd feel that DH was being U to ignore my feelings.

Also MN hating men I can guarantee that had the sexes been reversed the responses would be very different. 'Trust your instinct' blah2.

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 21:28

QueSyrahSyrah · 01/09/2023 20:03

The romance of the setting is down to who you're with, not the setting per se (or are we going to start policing who we can observe sunsets with?

This is a really good point actually. All the posters banging on about the overwhelming romance of a nice restaurant how do you know?

There's a Michelin star place near us that despite the phenomenal food could not be more corporate if it tried. It's in a smart business hotel and on Friday nights the bar and restaurant are both full of braying twats from trust companies trying to out knob-head each other & making off-colour remarks to waitresses. Not exactly my idea of a romantic idyll, but the food is excellent.

You're right in that we don't know the setting but some restaurants are romantic, they market themselves as such. I looked back at original post and ops further comments they could all go but it would be over the budget if drinks are added. OP says her H isn't unreasonable, it might be male pride , but this. gift was designed to be shared with a newly married couple.

brentwoods · 01/09/2023 21:48

It's gross that you're using a wedding gift -- if he's so recently married and separated that he hasn't used the dinner voucher then he should return it to the giver.

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 22:02

JaneIntheBox · 01/09/2023 20:14

Exactly.
It's not something you can just 'logic' away.
DH and I both have a variety of friends and see them in a variety of situations. We certainly don't think that being alone with the opposite sex = SHAG.
I would however feel uncomfortable at using someone else's wedding present. Activity that's clearly meant for a couple. DH would feel the same.

But more importantly, knowing that we're reasonable people I'd feel that DH was being U to ignore my feelings.

Also MN hating men I can guarantee that had the sexes been reversed the responses would be very different. 'Trust your instinct' blah2.

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Not in my case. DH has been to El Bulli with a female friend of his.

JaneIntheBox · 01/09/2023 22:10

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 22:02

Not in my case. DH has been to El Bulli with a female friend of his.

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Unless someone made him a reservation as a wedding present, how's that the same thing?
I Googled El Bulli and it doesn't look romantic at all, more experimental. Lots of articles on it being the 'best restaurant', even though it didn't make enough money to stay open.
DH is very fussy about food so if I personally wanted to go somewhere like that I'd take another one of my foodie friends, quite a few of which happened to be male.

GCSister · 02/09/2023 08:25

Unless someone made him a reservation as a wedding present, how's that the same thing?

Someone bought a couple vouchers, that couple is no longer together so one of them is wanting to use them before they expire.

That's all it is. People are making it into a much bigger deal than it actually is.

Original poster

Boogiewoogieanddance · 02/09/2023 09:36

Posters concerned about the gift aspect - this has been covered. It's a gift from friends side and they would rather he enjoyed it than return it. Also shocked that some people would expect a gift back from a friend/family member that are going through a rubbish time, could imagine saying to someone "sorry you're wife walked out on you massively unexpectedly but can i please have my wedding gift back now your marriage as failed?" I'd also feel absolutely grim eating that meal knowing the other person is miserable at home.

@Livelifelaughter he could have asked someone else, although we all have busy jobs, weird hours, families to work around and the restaurant has limited availability so it's not as easy to fit it in. If I wasn't off work ATM I don't even know if I would have got.

I think regardless of if I go or not (99% going) my marriage will survive.. I dont know why he's funny about it. Yes he thinks it's weird or off for some reason, but has also said he 100% trusts me so I don't know why.. maybe he's a bit jealous it's not me and him because we haven't been out alot recently together with the young kids so the two of us are missing that time, which I do get. I'll take him somewhere nice, varied menu, keep the candle lit and who know where the night will go.. except @Sanitas She deffinatley knows. Divorce I imagine.

As to how the invite came about... it was very casual which I think impacts. We where in my car and just having general chat about nice places we had been to for food (with or respective partners.. so for recommendations rather then reminiscing for those that's are going to jump to the conclusion we are regluar fine diners) and then he said "I have this voucher as a wedding gift for this really nice place... " and I said excitedly "will we go to dinner??".. he laughed and said I was very presumptuous but yes he was getting to that. And then said he had been trying to figure out how to use it with family/a group but that defeats the purpose because everyone would still spend a fotune and to get the value without spending more it for two.

Also I would never have presumed an invite like that without the previous offer of the hotel voucher, and it was just a very naturally flowing conversation lol

But here, maybe he was never going to invite me and I've ruined his chance of bringing a real date out because of him being polite, my marriage will end in divorce, I'll loose a friend and had friend brought someone single it could have ended in a happy ever after. Time will tell.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boogiewoogieanddance · 02/09/2023 09:40

In hindsight.. I think if in had explained how the arrangement came about better to DH he wouldn't have had an issue. But I didn't because I didn't think anything of it. I know I've said he asked me.. he did. I just interuppted and finished his sentence (correctly.. who knows?).. so spme may say we might aswell be married already.

OP posts:

Sanitas · 02/09/2023 12:05

Do what you want, OP, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Why have you not got more respect for your dh? Why are you not giving credence to his ability to sense a situation?
His intuition senses something is off, why aren't you listening?
He's hardly a controlling guy., is he? So for him to be wary does indeed suggest something is off.
I'm not suggesting he doesn't trust YOU, but he clearly doesn't trust HIM.
No man wants to imagine another guy hitting on his wife, even if she rebuffs the advance-which I think you will, fair play to you, it has the potential for anger and bad feeling. Wanting to protect your spouse is not controlling, it's normal.
Yet you're still going.
You disregard your husband's entirely reasonable concerns for a nice meal. Ffs.
Best of luck, I think you're gonna need it.
Yes, if I were your dh I'd be considering divorce, no exaggeration, I've been in a marriage where my feelings have been disregarded and it's not good.
It's soul destroying.

MarkWithaC · 02/09/2023 12:26

Sanitas · 02/09/2023 12:05

Do what you want, OP, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Why have you not got more respect for your dh? Why are you not giving credence to his ability to sense a situation?
His intuition senses something is off, why aren't you listening?
He's hardly a controlling guy., is he? So for him to be wary does indeed suggest something is off.
I'm not suggesting he doesn't trust YOU, but he clearly doesn't trust HIM.
No man wants to imagine another guy hitting on his wife, even if she rebuffs the advance-which I think you will, fair play to you, it has the potential for anger and bad feeling. Wanting to protect your spouse is not controlling, it's normal.
Yet you're still going.
You disregard your husband's entirely reasonable concerns for a nice meal. Ffs.
Best of luck, I think you're gonna need it.
Yes, if I were your dh I'd be considering divorce, no exaggeration, I've been in a marriage where my feelings have been disregarded and it's not good.
It's soul destroying.

Yes, if I were your dh I'd be considering divorce, no exaggeration

Fuck's sake.

I think your own experiences might be colouring your responses just a tad.

GCSister · 02/09/2023 12:48

Sanitas · 02/09/2023 12:05

Do what you want, OP, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Why have you not got more respect for your dh? Why are you not giving credence to his ability to sense a situation?
His intuition senses something is off, why aren't you listening?
He's hardly a controlling guy., is he? So for him to be wary does indeed suggest something is off.
I'm not suggesting he doesn't trust YOU, but he clearly doesn't trust HIM.
No man wants to imagine another guy hitting on his wife, even if she rebuffs the advance-which I think you will, fair play to you, it has the potential for anger and bad feeling. Wanting to protect your spouse is not controlling, it's normal.
Yet you're still going.
You disregard your husband's entirely reasonable concerns for a nice meal. Ffs.
Best of luck, I think you're gonna need it.
Yes, if I were your dh I'd be considering divorce, no exaggeration, I've been in a marriage where my feelings have been disregarded and it's not good.
It's soul destroying.

There's a heck of a lot of projection and assumptions going on here!!

Stompythedinosaur · 02/09/2023 12:53

Sanitas · 02/09/2023 12:05

Do what you want, OP, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Why have you not got more respect for your dh? Why are you not giving credence to his ability to sense a situation?
His intuition senses something is off, why aren't you listening?
He's hardly a controlling guy., is he? So for him to be wary does indeed suggest something is off.
I'm not suggesting he doesn't trust YOU, but he clearly doesn't trust HIM.
No man wants to imagine another guy hitting on his wife, even if she rebuffs the advance-which I think you will, fair play to you, it has the potential for anger and bad feeling. Wanting to protect your spouse is not controlling, it's normal.
Yet you're still going.
You disregard your husband's entirely reasonable concerns for a nice meal. Ffs.
Best of luck, I think you're gonna need it.
Yes, if I were your dh I'd be considering divorce, no exaggeration, I've been in a marriage where my feelings have been disregarded and it's not good.
It's soul destroying.

Er, yeah, dictating what social activities your wife can or can't do is definitely controlling, and framing it as "for her protection" is insulting and infantilising.

Frabbits · 02/09/2023 13:00

Sanitas · 02/09/2023 12:05

Do what you want, OP, but I think you're making a big mistake.
Why have you not got more respect for your dh? Why are you not giving credence to his ability to sense a situation?
His intuition senses something is off, why aren't you listening?
He's hardly a controlling guy., is he? So for him to be wary does indeed suggest something is off.
I'm not suggesting he doesn't trust YOU, but he clearly doesn't trust HIM.
No man wants to imagine another guy hitting on his wife, even if she rebuffs the advance-which I think you will, fair play to you, it has the potential for anger and bad feeling. Wanting to protect your spouse is not controlling, it's normal.
Yet you're still going.
You disregard your husband's entirely reasonable concerns for a nice meal. Ffs.
Best of luck, I think you're gonna need it.
Yes, if I were your dh I'd be considering divorce, no exaggeration, I've been in a marriage where my feelings have been disregarded and it's not good.
It's soul destroying.

Mate, you think When Sally Meets Harry is non-fiction.

I think OP can safely ignore your views.

ErosandAgape · 02/09/2023 13:01

GCSister · 02/09/2023 12:48

There's a heck of a lot of projection and assumptions going on here!!

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@Sanitas projects so much you could use him/her to show PowerPoints.

GCSister · 02/09/2023 13:02

Sanitas projects so much you could use him/her to show PowerPoints.

Ha! 🙊