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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 14:51

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 14:50

@MarkWithaC Bottom line is though, her husband has an issue with it.

It's not the bottom line. Her husband's feelings are not law.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2023 14:51

Sanitas · 01/09/2023 13:22

She wasn't really laughing, you know that don't you?
I don't know a single guy who wouldn't have slept on the floor in these circumstances. Unless he was hoping for sex.

Uncomfortable though it would've been, that's what most guys would do.

She wasn't laughing.

Show quote history

Only in this paricularcontext he may want intimacy with her.
So only in this particular context re op, plus Wrens circs, plus mine, plus....

I'm still waiting for confirmation if breakfast and coffee is too intimate to do with the male friend i've invited. he did seem very keen.

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 14:58

@MarkWithaC It's an expression where I'm from. They need to be taken into consideration though

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 15:06

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 14:58

@MarkWithaC It's an expression where I'm from. They need to be taken into consideration though

They seem to be based on nothing more substantial than 'it's a fancy meal' (very nebulous), the respective marital statuses (like that usually makes a difference when people have sexual indiscretions) and that it 'seems like a date' (to him, maybe; and, again, nebulous).

Squiblet · 01/09/2023 15:07

I understand that jealous and suspicious feelings can arise within a relationship. But if they're not warranted, then they're unreasonable. OP has done nothing to warrant her husband feeling suspicious.

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 15:09

Squiblet · 01/09/2023 15:07

I understand that jealous and suspicious feelings can arise within a relationship. But if they're not warranted, then they're unreasonable. OP has done nothing to warrant her husband feeling suspicious.

Edited

Doing what she intends to do is what is causing his uneasy feelings. It obviously doesn't sit right with him.

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:13

There's a lot of comments on here which are a bit black and white. One group saying "it's normal, trust each other " the other the opposite. I am saying I don't like my boyfriend, partner whatever basically acting as a surrogate date. The friend has surely other close friends? He actually have invited the person who gave the gift. I just wouldn't invite a male married friend out for dinner and pay the bill, it's not just eating dinner but it's basically sharing a very special treat, that was originally intended for a honeymoon/married couple.
Also, affairs start somewhere maybe not over this dinner but it's intimate, it's not breakfast, I presume they will both be dressed up and it's special. The friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about. There's a lot to this, he could have invited OPs husband but no he wants a fancy meal with a woman who is there in place of his wife.

Frabbits · 01/09/2023 15:14

Sanitas · 01/09/2023 13:32

She doesn't want sex but the friend probably does.

Just as she has every right to go, he has every right to get upset by her decision to do so.

Why are so many people being like foot stomping children about this issue? Patriarchy! Misogyny! It's not about that at all.
Just because a man expresses a wholly reasonable view that this 'friendship' is progressing to something else?
It might not be on her part, but it is on his.

Show quote history

You have no idea whether the friend does or not.

He probably doesn't. Maybe you just need better male friends who can have female mates without wanting to shag them all.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/09/2023 15:21

OP, enjoy the dinner!!

The MN heads are about to explode, as my DH is on a weekend away with another woman! He's staying at her house and everything!! They've been friends forever though and are there to ride motorbikes together as she lives in a lovely area for bike riding.

So far he's sent me endless pictures, a fish finger sandwich was the highlight 🤣. He does this a couple of times a year.

MasterBeth · 01/09/2023 15:35

affairs start somewhere maybe not over this dinner but it's intimate, it's not breakfast, I presume they will both be dressed up and it's special. The friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about.

It's only as intimate as the OP wants it to be. She's not interested in her friend romantically, so it's not intimate, it's friendly.

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 15:37

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:13

There's a lot of comments on here which are a bit black and white. One group saying "it's normal, trust each other " the other the opposite. I am saying I don't like my boyfriend, partner whatever basically acting as a surrogate date. The friend has surely other close friends? He actually have invited the person who gave the gift. I just wouldn't invite a male married friend out for dinner and pay the bill, it's not just eating dinner but it's basically sharing a very special treat, that was originally intended for a honeymoon/married couple.
Also, affairs start somewhere maybe not over this dinner but it's intimate, it's not breakfast, I presume they will both be dressed up and it's special. The friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about. There's a lot to this, he could have invited OPs husband but no he wants a fancy meal with a woman who is there in place of his wife.

the friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about. Apart from the OP's, you mean? Her feelings that presumably hes always known to be platonic (and vice versa)?

he could have invited OPs husband but no he wants a fancy meal with a woman who is there in place of his wife.
The husband won't go as he doesn't like set menus.

Apart from that, yes, very persuasive arguments...

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 15:40

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:13

There's a lot of comments on here which are a bit black and white. One group saying "it's normal, trust each other " the other the opposite. I am saying I don't like my boyfriend, partner whatever basically acting as a surrogate date. The friend has surely other close friends? He actually have invited the person who gave the gift. I just wouldn't invite a male married friend out for dinner and pay the bill, it's not just eating dinner but it's basically sharing a very special treat, that was originally intended for a honeymoon/married couple.
Also, affairs start somewhere maybe not over this dinner but it's intimate, it's not breakfast, I presume they will both be dressed up and it's special. The friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about. There's a lot to this, he could have invited OPs husband but no he wants a fancy meal with a woman who is there in place of his wife.

I love that you think this view isn’t ‘black and white’ while stamping your foot territorially about your husband being used as a ‘surrogate date’.

People on here have some deeply odd unexamined assumptions about the ‘meanings’ of high-end restaurants, or dinner rather than lunch. I still remember a thread where some people got violently exercised about going to the cinema being ‘date territory’, presumably because they couldn’t trust themselves not to lunge at their male friend once the houselights went down.

TedMullins · 01/09/2023 15:43

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 14:48

@Squiblet The reason I've done that is because you and others are not understanding how some people may feel about this (such as OPs DH).

I have not once said other people have to live the same way as I do but it is clear that this is causing issues in the OPs marriage which need to be addressed. Simply dismissing someone's feelings because they don't align with yours is disrespectful and being selfish towards a partner.

By the same token though, trying to impose your values and opinions on your partner so they modify their behaviour, as the DH is doing, is also selfish and disrespectful. Why does his opinion trump hers?

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:45

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 15:37

the friend is in a different position to OP, he has no one's feelings to be aware about. Apart from the OP's, you mean? Her feelings that presumably hes always known to be platonic (and vice versa)?

he could have invited OPs husband but no he wants a fancy meal with a woman who is there in place of his wife.
The husband won't go as he doesn't like set menus.

Apart from that, yes, very persuasive arguments...

Show quote history

Well I don't think OP would be upset if he hadn't invited her, I don't know? And actually none of us know what the friend's feelings are and if they have changed after the marriage breakdown?

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:46

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 15:40

I love that you think this view isn’t ‘black and white’ while stamping your foot territorially about your husband being used as a ‘surrogate date’.

People on here have some deeply odd unexamined assumptions about the ‘meanings’ of high-end restaurants, or dinner rather than lunch. I still remember a thread where some people got violently exercised about going to the cinema being ‘date territory’, presumably because they couldn’t trust themselves not to lunge at their male friend once the houselights went down.

Show quote history

Rather heated don't you think ?

roarrfeckingroar · 01/09/2023 16:06

I go for nice meals with male friends a lot. I find it very weird that people are so funny about their partner doing things with the opposite sex.

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 16:39

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:46

Rather heated don't you think ?

Show quote history

That thread certainly was.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/09/2023 16:49

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 15:45

Well I don't think OP would be upset if he hadn't invited her, I don't know? And actually none of us know what the friend's feelings are and if they have changed after the marriage breakdown?

Show quote history

@Sanitas knows. Sanitas knows all men.

GCSister · 01/09/2023 17:09

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 13:20

@GCSister Yes of course I'm 12....and married 🤨

Well the particular comment I quoted sounded like it had be written by a 12 year old.

Who cares if somebody sees you out with someone who isn't your spouse?! Its really not gossip worthy.

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 17:29

@GCSister Well, I care and so would my DH. We just live a very different life to you but it doesn't make my way right or wrong, nor does it make my opinion right or wrong. There's a lot of naivety on this thread.

GCSister · 01/09/2023 17:49

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 17:29

@GCSister Well, I care and so would my DH. We just live a very different life to you but it doesn't make my way right or wrong, nor does it make my opinion right or wrong. There's a lot of naivety on this thread.

Why are you assuming I'm naive? I'm really not.
If someone was to tell my husband they'd seen me out with so one else his response would be ' I know'. We communicate so he would know I was out for dinner and he would know who I was with.

Issues would only arise if I was hiding something from him but that's a different issue entirely.

What if you had to have dinner and/or drinks with people as part of your job? Would your DH have an issue with that?

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 17:52

If it was a group of us then no issue. If one on one, I wouldn't do it.

GCSister · 01/09/2023 17:53

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 17:52

If it was a group of us then no issue. If one on one, I wouldn't do it.

Why?

puffyisgood · 01/09/2023 18:08

it's imo no good, just the two of you.

GCSister · 01/09/2023 18:11

And @GrannyGoggins I ask with good intentions not to berate you.

Both me and DH have progressed into careers which involve a significant amount of networking. He happens to work in a female dominated profession so that often means lunch/dinner with female colleagues or professional contacts. It would be hugely detrimental to his career if he didn't do this.

I travel internationally and this means I socialise with men and women both in groups and 1:1. I'm also bisexual so I guess in your opinion I shouldn't go out with anyone other than my husband 🤷🏼‍♀️