To go to dinner with another man?

[Boogiewoogieanddance]

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

I wouldn't go for a meal with another man unless he was my brother or dad. That's my personal opinion. Marriage is scared in my eyes and there are some things you leave solely for the person you love and you don't do it with anyone else of the opposite sex.
Apart from the fact this is just bizarre this raise a couple of issues for me. My boss is male and we travel together regularly, should we not be eating out together while we're away?
Also, I'm bisexual.... does that mean I can't go out for dinner or drinks with anyone??🤷🏼‍♀️

there are some things you leave solely for the person you love and you don't do it with anyone else of the opposite sex.

I agree. But that's not dinner.

Some people are either being really dumb about this or willfully missing the point.

It's the context that matters.

It's not about going out with your boss for a meal, or a happily married male acquaintance, or the many many other false comparisons put forward here.

It's about a recently traumatised man looking for emotional support and heavily relying on a married female friend for it.

Can you not see how in his state of mind this could mean something more to him? How desperate he is?
That it ain't healthy for a single guy to be relying so much on a married woman for validation and comfort? It. Really. Fucking. Isn't.

And now the romantic date in a restaurant. Because if he's like the majority he will see it as romantic.
Because we are conditioned to from years of Valentine's Day stuff etc. Really upping the ante.

Have people not heard of progression? How trauma can bring people really really close?

If the OP goes on this stupid date she's only got herself to blame if her dh and her split. Or being in the awkward position of having to rebuff her 'friend' 's advances.

Would you be happy if another woman doing this to your dh, OP?

Course you bloody wouldn't. Borrowing your dh for so much emotional support. Him going to a restaurant with her at night? It's not on is it? Think about it.

Or just go along with the majority who it would appear haven't really thought it through.

Some people are either being really dumb about this or willfully missing the point.

Or perhaps have a different opinion.

That’s the great thing about a forum, an OP can get different opinions and decide what’s best for them. The tone of your posts is that your way is the only way and everyone else is blind or stupid. That is not in the spirit of a forum like this

I agree with everything that @TedMullins has said. It has been fascinating to read people's replies and see how deep misogyny and the patriarchy are sunk into our psyches.

*It's the context that matters.

It's not about going out with your boss for a meal, or a happily married male acquaintance, or the many many other false comparisons put forward here.

It's about a recently traumatised man looking for emotional support and heavily relying on a married female friend for it.*

I agree 100% with this ^^, but draw exactly the opposite conclusion.

It's because this is a unique time and circumstance that this feels less problematic to me. It's not a sneaky or underhand attempt at seduction. It's a very obvious and raw moment in the guy's life. It's not going a romantic occasion at all - it's a moment of emotional support. Even if the friend sees it as romantic, the OP is very clear what it is.

I would trust my partner 100% in these circumstances. In fact, I would admire their compassion and desire to help their friend.

I'll raise you. I once went to NY with a male friend, leaving DH at home with our son, we got diverted to Denver because of snowstorms en route and all the airports in the vicinity of NY being full of grounded aircraft, AND we shared a bed in a hotel room for the night we were stranded before we were able to travel on. And no one shagged anyone.

It's as though human beings have free will!

@TheWrenTheWren @TedMullins everyone is different as to what they would accept but for me, this would be a deal breaker for both me and DH.

Some people are either being really dumb about this or willfully missing the point.

Or we see things differently.
The stupid people are those that can't see an alternative perspective.

It's almost as if people should have open and continued conversations about what monogamy means to them. It isn't the same for everyone.

If someone who knows you sees you, they then pass on messages that you've been seen with another man which then leads to all kinds of rumours which could get back to the DH and cause problems in the marriage.

Hilarious 😂😂😂
Are you 12???

I see your snowstorm bed sharing and raise you: I ended up sharing a room very last minute with a male photographer I barely knew - we were working at a festival (both in the music industry) I’d booked a room and his fell through last minute. I’d never met him in person before, we’d only spoken on email, but he’d already agreed to drive us both to the festival as it turned out we lived near each other. So I offered for him to share my room. Turned up and there was only one double bed, no twins. We laughed, he phoned his wife to let her know, she laughed, we did the festival, nobody shagged.

I'm wondering about the actual feelings/motivations behind those who don't seem to get that alternative mindsets are available, and don't automatically land the person who doesn't act as you do in hot water.

Is it simply that @Sanitas, @GrannyGoggins and others don't trust themselves to be unchaperoned with a member of the opposite sex? Perhaps they have much stronger sex drives than the rest of us, and could not be in a high-end restaurant with an opposite-sex friend without throwing them across the table and ravishing them over the amuse-bouches?

@TheWrenTheWren 😂😂

I thinks it's also what's seen as normal. Both me and DH socialise as part of our jobs so meals,drinks,travel with the opposite sex is just normal to us and it wouldn't work if either of us got jealous.

Perhaps they have much stronger sex drives than the rest of us, and could not be in a high-end restaurant with an opposite-sex friend without throwing them across the table and ravishing them over the amuse-bouches?

😄 This made me laugh ... but in all seriousness, some posters have said throughout that what they're worried about is not the possibility of infidelity, it's the possibility of upsetting their partner by going into a situation their partner doesn't like the look of.

I can understand not wanting to upset your partner. But I think it's really sad that the partners have so little trust ... sad that they suspect the marriage will be broken so easily.

Sharing a bed is nothing like sharing a meal. What a weird comment!

I think going for a meal with your old friend in these circumstances is fine and completely normal.

In defence of Granny, she has said that it's partly cultural, that it's how she was raised and not something her parents would do. Entirely different to Sanitas who thinks every man are desperate to fuck anyone who sits still long enough to eat

Ridiculous. I've repeatedly stated that it's not about how she feels but how he feels.

Ridiculous. I've repeatedly stated that it's not about how she feels but how he feels.

Well it seems to for all the people banging on about them and how this meal is so romantic is can only lead to splendid copulations on the dinner table

I need advice.

I invited my male friend to breakfast and coffee without our partners or kids. He immediately replies yes.

@Sanitas what are the risks of being ravaged before I've even swallowed the sausgae?

Oh don't be ridiculous, I've never said that men will fuck anything who sits down to eat. How crude.

Only in this paricular context he may want intimacy with her.

Have I struck a nerve with some people?

Burst their bubble that their cosy friendships with men may have a darker side?

Have they never watched When Harry Met Sally?

Oh don't be ridiculous, I've never said that men will fuck anything who sits down to eat. How crude.

Only in this paricular context he may want intimacy with her.

Have I struck a nerve with some people?

Burst their bubble that their cosy friendships with men may have a darker side?

Have they never watched When Harry Met Sally?

"That it ain't healthy for a single guy to be relying so much on a married woman for validation and comfort? It. Really. Fucking. Isn't."

Utter fucking rubbish. It's entirely normal for friends of either sex to support their mates going through tough times.