Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to dinner with another man?

641 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 29/08/2023 19:42

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

OP posts:
GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:26

@MarkWithaC A lot of assumptions made there regarding someone you don't know.

Anyway, there are many reasons why I would think going out with another man alone is inappropriate and likewise, my DH would consider going out alone with another woman inappropriate.

It's not like either of us even want to, we would rather spend time with each other than some other man or woman.

MarkWithaC · 31/08/2023 22:30

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:26

@MarkWithaC A lot of assumptions made there regarding someone you don't know.

Anyway, there are many reasons why I would think going out with another man alone is inappropriate and likewise, my DH would consider going out alone with another woman inappropriate.

It's not like either of us even want to, we would rather spend time with each other than some other man or woman.

Yes, you've given some reasons, which seem to boil down to it being 'not the done thing' and 'inappropriate' to socialise with a man who's not a family member. Which isn't that enlightening really.

And I do like the little dig at the OP in your last sentence. Grin

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:33

@MarkWithaC Actually I wasn't even thinking of the OP when I wrote that, I was thinking of my own situation as it appears to be criticised consistently despite my life not particularly affecting anyone else on here.

What I wrote was the truth, why would I want to spend my spare time going out with another man?

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/08/2023 23:11

Frabbits · 31/08/2023 10:57

Every day, men and women manage to be friends without shagging each other.

Going out for dinner with a friend of the opposite sex is, in any sane world, perfectly fine.

Completely agree, and find some of the responses to this thread completely mad.

Many years ago I shared a flat with a male friend. We're both straight. We were both single. We used to go out for dinner regularly and I (shock, horror) used to hop into his bed on a hungover Sunday morning to watch the Hollyoaks omnibus as he had a TV in his room and I didn't. We have never shagged. We have never snogged. Neither of us have ever made 'a move'. We're both married now but I'd go out for dinner with him tomorrow if he asked, without a second thought.

I would not be married to DH if he was uncomfortable with me being friends with Men.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 23:14

@QueSyrahSyrah Out of curiosity, would you get into bed with the friend again now that you are married?

Greensleeves · 31/08/2023 23:18

purplebluediscorain · 29/08/2023 19:55

No matter what I wouldn’t stand for this at all, meeting for a coffee maybe but a nice restaurant and I can’t believe your friend has disrespected your partner place and even asked you.

Eh? What exactly is disrespectful about sitting in a public space having dinner? Unless I missed the bit where he was planning on rawdogging her over the dessert trolley?

It blows my mind that people are this possessive and mistrustful. To think you have the right to forbid your partner to meet a member of the opposite sex for a meal...how utterly dysfunctional.

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/08/2023 23:18

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 23:14

@QueSyrahSyrah Out of curiosity, would you get into bed with the friend again now that you are married?

Bed, possibly not but only because I can't imagine the situation arising. Fine dining restaurant as per the OP, wouldn't think twice.

My point was that Males & Females can absolutely be friends without shagging, or even the suggestion of shagging, even without any barriers to it.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 23:21

@QueSyrahSyrah Thank you for answering. I agree with you that men and women can be friends, there's nothing wrong with that. However, I would also include DH in the association or outing.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 23:25

@Greensleeves I know this wasn't aimed at me but I have similar thoughts on the subject.

In my case, it's not at all about being possessive and mistrustful. I trust my DH 100%. We just don't agree with it for our marriage. We don't even have the issue of "forbidding" as it never comes up. It's not an issue as we have the same views on the matter.

We must be doing something right, been together 10 years.

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/08/2023 23:27

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 23:21

@QueSyrahSyrah Thank you for answering. I agree with you that men and women can be friends, there's nothing wrong with that. However, I would also include DH in the association or outing.

In the OP's case I'd have invited DH to join, but if he didn't want to come as he doesn't like set menus then I'd have no qualms with going anyway, and wouldn't expect him to object.

sezzer87 · 01/09/2023 00:14

I wouldn't go for a meal with another man unless he was my brother or dad. That's my personal opinion. Marriage is scared in my eyes and there are some things you leave solely for the person you love and you don't do it with anyone else of the opposite sex.
If you think it's okay then great but clearly your husband doesn't so you have to respect that and decide whether the meal out is more important to you then respecting your husband.

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 00:43

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:33

@MarkWithaC Actually I wasn't even thinking of the OP when I wrote that, I was thinking of my own situation as it appears to be criticised consistently despite my life not particularly affecting anyone else on here.

What I wrote was the truth, why would I want to spend my spare time going out with another man?

But why would you ‘spend your spare time’ going out with another woman? Why not live inside your marriage and never see anyone else, ever?

Stompythedinosaur · 01/09/2023 01:08

sezzer87 · 01/09/2023 00:14

I wouldn't go for a meal with another man unless he was my brother or dad. That's my personal opinion. Marriage is scared in my eyes and there are some things you leave solely for the person you love and you don't do it with anyone else of the opposite sex.
If you think it's okay then great but clearly your husband doesn't so you have to respect that and decide whether the meal out is more important to you then respecting your husband.

I'm pretty sure the op isn't planning to have sex in the dinner table.

I wasn't aware marriage vows extended to who you can eat with!

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 01:18

@ErosandAgape Sounds fantastic to me, people annoy me 😂

Sanitas · 01/09/2023 07:03

If context is everything, consider this: he's a vulnerable guy who's feeling insecure with his confidence knocked, a kind female friend shows him compassion and spends a lot of time with him. I mean a lot. She clearly is giving up her time to be with her which could be spent with her dh. That's attractive in itself.
I don't want to be rude here but men aren't as fussed about looks as women. Being kind and paying the attention is a green light for them.
Especially if seeking validation. And sex IS validation for men.

Some women here are making the classic mistake that men think the same as them. They don't!!

(Not to be rude to OP-I've no idea what she looks like of course!!)

Now he's suddenly asking her for a meal which most people would associate with romance. Sorry but it is utter bollocks that they wouldn't.

Why is that?
Why is she the only person he can ask?

It's not about the OP's intention's. Never has been a question of whether she sees it as innocent, or whether she'd go loose knickered for a fancy meal- it's about his intentions.

On the subject of Loose Women one of the panellists said her and her dh were friends with another couple and she'd have a meal with the man alone. Well fair enough that seems reasonable but this is not the same at all.
An elderly aunt and her late dh were friends with another couple. Now the wife has passed away, she cooks him some meals-nothing wrong with that. They go to bowls together, too. Again, OK.

I can't believe some people cannot see the difference.

No wonder the OP's dh is pissed off. Another man is clearly upping the ante to be with his wife.

If you're still reading OP, ask to see these vouchers, when they were purchased, and, crucially, who by. That's if they exist at all.

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 07:41

Sanitas · 01/09/2023 07:03

If context is everything, consider this: he's a vulnerable guy who's feeling insecure with his confidence knocked, a kind female friend shows him compassion and spends a lot of time with him. I mean a lot. She clearly is giving up her time to be with her which could be spent with her dh. That's attractive in itself.
I don't want to be rude here but men aren't as fussed about looks as women. Being kind and paying the attention is a green light for them.
Especially if seeking validation. And sex IS validation for men.

Some women here are making the classic mistake that men think the same as them. They don't!!

(Not to be rude to OP-I've no idea what she looks like of course!!)

Now he's suddenly asking her for a meal which most people would associate with romance. Sorry but it is utter bollocks that they wouldn't.

Why is that?
Why is she the only person he can ask?

It's not about the OP's intention's. Never has been a question of whether she sees it as innocent, or whether she'd go loose knickered for a fancy meal- it's about his intentions.

On the subject of Loose Women one of the panellists said her and her dh were friends with another couple and she'd have a meal with the man alone. Well fair enough that seems reasonable but this is not the same at all.
An elderly aunt and her late dh were friends with another couple. Now the wife has passed away, she cooks him some meals-nothing wrong with that. They go to bowls together, too. Again, OK.

I can't believe some people cannot see the difference.

No wonder the OP's dh is pissed off. Another man is clearly upping the ante to be with his wife.

If you're still reading OP, ask to see these vouchers, when they were purchased, and, crucially, who by. That's if they exist at all.

Gosh, what in your life hurt you into this attitude?

Sanitas · 01/09/2023 08:16

ErosandAgape · 01/09/2023 07:41

Gosh, what in your life hurt you into this attitude?

Show quote history

Oh the classic passive-aggressive what hurt you question. Bound to come up sometime.

Sorry but if you disagree you're incorrect.

Why are people so naive?

It's a romantic meal from his viewpoint Fgs.

He's not a happily married guy taking an old friend out for lunch.

He's a lonely vulnerable guy who's female friend is paying him a ton of attention. Choosing to spend time with him over her dh. Can't you at least comprehend that such a man may fall for her while he's down and in need of support?

His feelings towards her are changeable not static. He was happy to be just friends once, not now.

Now he wants more.

Squiblet · 01/09/2023 08:38

If you gave Sanitas a copy of Othello, she would no doubt come out of it thinking Cassio had definitely seduced Desdemona behind Othello's back, and Shakespeare was being naive and deluded in telling us otherwise....

Womencanlift · 01/09/2023 08:51

Sorry but if you disagree you're incorrect.

Who on earth do you think you are saying that other people’s opinions are incorrect.

You may not agree with them (I certainly don’t agree with yours) but to say they are incorrect is wrong

You obviously have a life view that is different to a lot of other posters but doesn’t mean to say one view is correct and one is not. How we each live our life is nobody’s business but our own

QueSyrahSyrah · 01/09/2023 09:09

I hope you warm up before you make reaches like that @Sanitas, you'll do yourself an injury.

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 09:12

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:33

@MarkWithaC Actually I wasn't even thinking of the OP when I wrote that, I was thinking of my own situation as it appears to be criticised consistently despite my life not particularly affecting anyone else on here.

What I wrote was the truth, why would I want to spend my spare time going out with another man?

why would I want to spend my spare time going out with another man?

This doesn’t compute for me. It’s just like asking ‘why would I want to spend my spare time going out with another woman?’, to which some answers are ‘because she’s my friend/I like her/we share interests’ and so on.

GLORIAGloriarse · 01/09/2023 09:17

I think its absolutely fine and would do this. It's your friend and he's been through enough shit without his vouchers going to waste.

Fancy restaurants can be romantic but the same one can be used for a business dinner which could be a man and woman, or for a brother and sister to go for a meal, so it's all about the context.

I haven't read all the comments so if the context is that the marriage broke up due to his shagging around then I would see DH's point otherwise I think you're fine and would encourage DP to go along with a female friend in the same circs.

Maybe DH could be invited for a drink afterwards?

MarkWithaC · 01/09/2023 09:18

Sanitas · 01/09/2023 07:03

If context is everything, consider this: he's a vulnerable guy who's feeling insecure with his confidence knocked, a kind female friend shows him compassion and spends a lot of time with him. I mean a lot. She clearly is giving up her time to be with her which could be spent with her dh. That's attractive in itself.
I don't want to be rude here but men aren't as fussed about looks as women. Being kind and paying the attention is a green light for them.
Especially if seeking validation. And sex IS validation for men.

Some women here are making the classic mistake that men think the same as them. They don't!!

(Not to be rude to OP-I've no idea what she looks like of course!!)

Now he's suddenly asking her for a meal which most people would associate with romance. Sorry but it is utter bollocks that they wouldn't.

Why is that?
Why is she the only person he can ask?

It's not about the OP's intention's. Never has been a question of whether she sees it as innocent, or whether she'd go loose knickered for a fancy meal- it's about his intentions.

On the subject of Loose Women one of the panellists said her and her dh were friends with another couple and she'd have a meal with the man alone. Well fair enough that seems reasonable but this is not the same at all.
An elderly aunt and her late dh were friends with another couple. Now the wife has passed away, she cooks him some meals-nothing wrong with that. They go to bowls together, too. Again, OK.

I can't believe some people cannot see the difference.

No wonder the OP's dh is pissed off. Another man is clearly upping the ante to be with his wife.

If you're still reading OP, ask to see these vouchers, when they were purchased, and, crucially, who by. That's if they exist at all.

I don’t find it possible to accept your view because it’s based on stereotypes, generalisations and assumptions.
men aren't as fussed about looks as women.
sex IS validation for men.
Some women here are making the classic mistake that men think the same as them. They don't!!
a meal which most people would associate with romance.

and she isn’t necessarily the only person he could ask, but she’s the person he wants to ask, perhaps because they’re good friends, perhaps as a thank you for supporting him.

honestly, if the men you know all behave and are motivated as your posts suggest, you just know the wrong/not very nice people.

MasterBeth · 01/09/2023 09:57

What are posters on here afraid of?

The situation is very clear and specific. The OP doesn't fancy her friend. Her friend has just gone through what must be a harrowing break-up and she wants to support him. He has access to time-limited vouchers to a place that would otherwise be off-limits. Whatever the trappings of the location, it's not a romantic date.

It can be the most romantic, beautiful place on earth. Maybe the friend might declare his ongoing, undying love to the OP and reveal that his marriage broke apart because he called out her name during sex with his wife. But OP isn't interested.

GrannyGoggins · 01/09/2023 10:11

MasterBeth · 01/09/2023 09:57

What are posters on here afraid of?

The situation is very clear and specific. The OP doesn't fancy her friend. Her friend has just gone through what must be a harrowing break-up and she wants to support him. He has access to time-limited vouchers to a place that would otherwise be off-limits. Whatever the trappings of the location, it's not a romantic date.

It can be the most romantic, beautiful place on earth. Maybe the friend might declare his ongoing, undying love to the OP and reveal that his marriage broke apart because he called out her name during sex with his wife. But OP isn't interested.

But it bothers her DH and his feelings should play a part in what she does (as in consideration)