Page 12 | To go to dinner with another man?

Boogiewoogieanddance · 2023-08-29T18:42:36+00:00

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions. A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu. He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company. DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date. I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway. I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter? Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

TedMullins · 31/08/2023 12:59

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 12:41

Okay yes, obviously you're right and everyone can eat with whomever whenever wherever.

But surely you recognise that an evening meal in a fancy restaurant, in our culture, is something that's typically reserved for romantic couples. Whether or not that's logical. We all know that.

I have loads of male friends and have never had a fancy restaurant evening meal with them one-on-one. If one of them invited me I'd think he had a crush, OR was struggling with boundaries and wanted a wife substitute.

So it's not about what husband wants, but about supporting your friend without getting into embarrassing or weird situations. Direct him to a coffee date or invite some other people.

Not sure what culture you live in but this is total codswallop. When I was single and didn't have a partner to enjoy these so-called date locations with I'd go with friends – some of whom were male and had partners at the time. Now I have a partner, I still hang out with my male friends, and guess what, our genitals don't pop out of our trousers at the sight of a crystal champagne glass or pan-seared scallop. This belief that its inherently inappropriate for men and women to be alone together is absolutely dripping in damaging patriarchal and misogynist beliefs, namely that men and women aren't even the same species, men can't control themselves, relationships/marriages are an excuse for oppression and control. It strips men and women of agency. If this reflects the world you live in and your own relationship I honestly feel sorry for you.

howto0 · 31/08/2023 13:13

Is this being talked about on loose women right now?

Jazzy87 · 31/08/2023 13:15

Definitely on loose women being discussed right now!

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 13:21

TedMullins · 31/08/2023 12:59

Not sure what culture you live in but this is total codswallop. When I was single and didn't have a partner to enjoy these so-called date locations with I'd go with friends – some of whom were male and had partners at the time. Now I have a partner, I still hang out with my male friends, and guess what, our genitals don't pop out of our trousers at the sight of a crystal champagne glass or pan-seared scallop. This belief that its inherently inappropriate for men and women to be alone together is absolutely dripping in damaging patriarchal and misogynist beliefs, namely that men and women aren't even the same species, men can't control themselves, relationships/marriages are an excuse for oppression and control. It strips men and women of agency. If this reflects the world you live in and your own relationship I honestly feel sorry for you.

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Lol yes of course! If you were single and an acquaintance asked you to dinner at a fancy restaurant on Saturday night, just the two of you, you'd think, "My, what a platonically friendly gesture. This person wants to be pals." 😜

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 13:24

I hang out with male friends all the time. Don't build stupid straw men. But no we don't meet one-on-one for candlelit dinners either. Because boundaries.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 13:29

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 13:24

I hang out with male friends all the time. Don't build stupid straw men. But no we don't meet one-on-one for candlelit dinners either. Because boundaries.

Op never mentioned candles.

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 13:34

SleepingStandingUp · 31/08/2023 13:29

Op never mentioned candles.

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Okay I stand corrected, that makes all the difference of course.

TedMullins · 31/08/2023 14:00

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 13:21

Lol yes of course! If you were single and an acquaintance asked you to dinner at a fancy restaurant on Saturday night, just the two of you, you'd think, "My, what a platonically friendly gesture. This person wants to be pals." 😜

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Yes, if they were a long-standing friend that’s exactly what I’d think

IdealisticCynic · 31/08/2023 14:56

I find the responses saying it’s wrong or disrespectful super weird. I often go for dinner with my male friends. My husband often goes out for dinner with his female friends too. A restaurant is basically just nice place to have a chat and enjoy good food.

Livelifelaughter · 31/08/2023 15:16

ErosandAgape · 31/08/2023 12:02

What is the sexual difference between lunch and dinner, pray?

And, by your logic, if ‘man + woman at a fancy restaurant = date’, why wouldn’t ‘man + man at a fancy restaurant = date’? Sex is also possible, after all? And if the OP’s friends male friends share this view, perhaps he’s afraid they’ll think he’s making a pass at them?🙄

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It's not a black and white situation... that's the thing about emotional responses. It's not about logic, relationships aren't about logic.
I feel, that there's an intimacy about dinner; that's why most people feel comfortable with a business lunch but inviting another person of the opposite sex for dinner just wouldn't be considered appropriate.

Womencanlift · 31/08/2023 15:20

our genitals don't pop out of our trousers at the sight of a crystal champagne glass or pan-seared scallop

This has won the thread for me @TedMullins. Bravo! And so true.

In fact I met a male friend for a coffee earlier as both in the city for work and told him of this thread.

We both agreed it’s nonsense and he reminded me of the time we went out for dinner as his then fiancée, now wife, was away for work and he so he fancied going out and asked me. We even FaceTimed his lovely wife who said she was glad he had company and not eating on his own. And it was a fairly fancy restaurant. I went home to my DP and didn’t have the urge to rip my friends clothes off because he bought me a steak

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 15:26

Bebosally · 31/08/2023 12:08

I wouldn't like it if a woman asked my husband to partner her on a dinner date so I wouldn't accept a similar invitation from a male friend. End of.

Same here! It just wouldn't even be a consideration in our marriage.

To be honest, the thought of having all these friends and constantly going out with them sounds tiring 😂

ClaraMarmalade · 31/08/2023 15:29

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I go out for dinner with male friends, DH does with female friends. I'm not the stereotypical 'cool wife' and feel jealousy like everyone else but the hangout involving food and it being on an evening doesn't make it automatically inappropriate. I know to some people dinner for two has connotations of a romantic date but if your friendship is platonic I genuinely can't see the issue.

Having said that... if it really bothers your DH, invite him. He might not wanna go, not like the menu, but inviting him along and him declining will probably put his mind at rest. We all have silly things that bother us sometimes, don't we?

Whatsmyusername1235 · 31/08/2023 15:30

I just came came here to say this exact situation was loose women today!

Whatsmyusername1235 · 31/08/2023 15:31

Was on loose women *

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 15:46

Whatsmyusername1235 · 31/08/2023 15:30

I just came came here to say this exact situation was loose women today!

Did they mention any usernames?

Whatsmyusername1235 · 31/08/2023 15:52

No

MarkWithaC · 31/08/2023 19:57

Coffeetree · 31/08/2023 13:21

Lol yes of course! If you were single and an acquaintance asked you to dinner at a fancy restaurant on Saturday night, just the two of you, you'd think, "My, what a platonically friendly gesture. This person wants to be pals." 😜

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Context is important here and you’re conveniently ignoring it. The friend is suggesting a fancy restaurant because he has vouchers he needs to use.
And, of course, he is a friend, not an ‘acquaintance’ as in your scenario.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 20:03

I think it has the potential to cause all kinds of problems.

If someone who knows you sees you, they then pass on messages that you've been seen with another man which then leads to all kinds of rumours which could get back to the DH and cause problems in the marriage.

I just couldn't be bothered with all the faff.

MalcolmsMiddle · 31/08/2023 22:07

Of course YABU - can't believe the sexist voting on this one. As long as your partner doesn't go for a dog walk with a female it's fine 🙄

Womencanlift · 31/08/2023 22:11

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 20:03

I think it has the potential to cause all kinds of problems.

If someone who knows you sees you, they then pass on messages that you've been seen with another man which then leads to all kinds of rumours which could get back to the DH and cause problems in the marriage.

I just couldn't be bothered with all the faff.

It would only cause problems if the partner didn’t know about it

If I was OP and someone said to my DP “oh I saw woman out with Dave at that new fancy restaurant in town what was that about?”, my DP would just respond and say “oh yeah Dave had a voucher to use and asked her to go as she has fancied trying that place”

No drama and knowing my friends and DP’s friends they would say nothing more except I hope they enjoyed it. If someone else wanted to shit stir that it caused problems in my relationship then either that’s their issue or my relationship isn’t as strong as I though and if that’s the case I would want to know sooner than later

I have just ran this whole scenario past my DP and let him read the thread. I used a male friend who I actually met for a coffee today as the example. DP did not see an issue with it and has been shocked reading some of these replies, especially the ‘all men want women for is sex’ posts from a certain poster

MarkWithaC · 31/08/2023 22:15

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 20:03

I think it has the potential to cause all kinds of problems.

If someone who knows you sees you, they then pass on messages that you've been seen with another man which then leads to all kinds of rumours which could get back to the DH and cause problems in the marriage.

I just couldn't be bothered with all the faff.

Do you and your friends have nothing better to do than gossip and try to shit-stir?

MasterBeth · 31/08/2023 22:15

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 20:03

I think it has the potential to cause all kinds of problems.

If someone who knows you sees you, they then pass on messages that you've been seen with another man which then leads to all kinds of rumours which could get back to the DH and cause problems in the marriage.

I just couldn't be bothered with all the faff.

The DH knows all about it.

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:17

@MarkWithaC I can't recall saying that it's something I did. But people don't have to be 'friends' to recognise you and spread gossip.

MarkWithaC · 31/08/2023 22:21

GrannyGoggins · 31/08/2023 22:17

@MarkWithaC I can't recall saying that it's something I did. But people don't have to be 'friends' to recognise you and spread gossip.

Nonetheless, you are imagining the scenario, so it must be something you're familiar with.

Or maybe something you just live in dead/fear of, which is possibly worse. asking as it's very much in line with your general attitude expressed on here