To go to dinner with another man?

[Boogiewoogieanddance]

DH is being a bit funny and thinks it's inappropriate so just want to get some other opinions.

A good friend of mine was married recently, unfortunately he is now serperated through no choice of his own. He has some wedding gifts in the form of vouchers, this specific one to a super nice restaurant that I couldn't usually afford. DH also wouldn't go because he doesn't like a set menu.

He asked me today if I would go with him. We have been good friends from before his last relationship, throughout the marriage etc and are quite close.. Entirely mutually platonic. We meet up for walks, the occasional drink etc sometimes alone sometimes with friends. DH knows him and knows when we meet up, never been an issue. Recently we've probably been meeting a bit more because he's been having a hard time and could do with the company.

DH thinks it's inappropriate because its a fancy meal, I'm married, he's not anymore and seems like a date.

I appreciate that if he had out of the blue asked to take me for an overpriced dinner and wine I would feel uncomfortable and it would be inappropriate but that's not the case, it's exceptional in that it's a crappy situation and he has this voucher to use and rather than it go to waste we enjoy each others company and have nice food and that DH wouldn't even have with me anyway.

I think DH will get over it, he trusts me and I think its more that if someone else saw us together it could look sus.. But surely that shouldn't really matter?

Or am I just thinking with my belly and it's an entirely inappropriate situation...

Lol. The fact you believe this to be 'devoid of intelligence' suggests to me that may be you are devoid of intelligence to think that.

You think I've pulled this out of my behind?
When I was young, I too believed the b. s. that men could be friends with women.
Had lots of male 'friends'.
Let me tell you this: eventually they All, without exception, made a move. Even the really nice ones.

You see the potential for sex between heterosexual men and women is ALWAYS present. All it needs is the right circumstance. This is why it is discouraged to have male friends when married because eventually the male friend will make a move if circumstances are right, marriage failure etc.

The circumstances are just right for this guy.

I think you are 'devoid of intelligence' as you fail to realise that relationships (with a small 'r') are subject to change through circumstance.

'He views me purely as a sex less friend. He will always view me purely as a sexless friend.'

That's just really dumb thinking.

I haven't read the whole thread, but if the OP had come on to say her DH was going on this meal with a female friend blah blah...I suspect that the replies would be totally different. Yesterday's thread about the husband and his dog walking friend were all 'it's outrageous, she's after him'...

I wouldn't do this, and definitely not if my partner was uncomfortable with it. It sounds like a date. Why doesn't he take a male or single female friend.

You think I've pulled this out of my behind?
When I was young, I too believed the b. s. that men could be friends with women.
Had lots of male 'friends'.
Let me tell you this: eventually they All, without exception, made a move. Even the really nice ones.

I think it’s really sad that this has been your experience and has led you to this view. It has certainly not been mine or any of the ladies in my life. Sure a few guy friends have tried their luck but still remained friends after. Some have not and have led to really great friendships, better than some female ones.

Partners have been introduced and not threatened and if they were, well they wouldn’t be a partner for long

I know you are going to reply and say I/we are all blind and that all men just want sex but you can’t comment on my experience which is very different from yours, just like I can’t comment on yours. All I will say is my life has been fuller from having great friends of both sexes who my past and current partner have got on great with

Here's somethign that will blow @GrannyGoggins mind. Mr Monkey spilt up with his ex over 20 years ago. They have a son together and have parented him mostly amicably, over the years this has developed in to a decent friendship. Less so now but when their son was younger they would often have a drink or dinner together to catch up or discuss parenting things.

You think men want to be friends with women? They don't.

They may enjoy chatting to them, have women they enjoy the company of in a group setting, hell they may care about them and help them but they do not want them as friends they spend one on one time with.

If they do, it's for material gain or sex.

I think you just know some very unpleasant men.

That's great and if it works then why not.

It's a bit different for me and DH as we would not be around our exes voluntarily 😁

@Sanitas your obviously much more desirable than me, or maybe just not great at setting boundaries/expectations. I've more than just this one male friend, some I've had since childhood, some form working in a predominately male work place. I can honestly say one out of them all has actually made a move.. he turned out to be gay 😂

I love food. My belly would find it hard to pass up on this.
However, assuming you are mutual friends with lots of the people at the wedding I'd want to check with him if he asked the person/people who have him the gift what they wanted to do (if they wanted to go instead) first. Otherwise it could get difficult if they found out after the event? If they are happy then I'd go and enjoy the chance to do something you couldn"t usually afford to do.

@Sanitas

Are you one of those women who thinks they are desirable to the entire male population?
I have and have had many male friends and only one has ever tried it on, that was when we were 17 having been friends since age 11. We are much, much older now both happy in relationships with children and still good friends. My experience is if a bloke wants to hit on you its generally in the first few meetings, not after a longer time especially if one or both of you are already in a relationship

This is tricky - although I think it's totally reasonable for you to go, I wouldn't want to go if my (normally very reasonable) OH had a big issue with it. I think I would make my case and say that I would very much like to go but if he really didn't want me to, then I wouldn't and see what he said. You have to mean that though - if you ask him and he says no, then you would need to not go.

Well my male friends have spent decades waiting to make their move. God some have died without getting their chance - what a mistime. I think our only material gain has been our friendship.

‘A self-respecting guy’ wouldn’t tolerate this? Only in bad dialogue from American movies. In real life a man who respects himself and his partner is rarely threatened by friendship. I feel sorry for people whose life has been so restricted that they haven’t had the chance to make friendships where they flourish irrespective of the sex of the people. Some of the views of men are awful on this thread.

And TBF we don't own our partners but we have a responsibility to behave properly towards them.

So if the OP did end up having a torrid affair with a male friend over a fancy voucher dinner - her DH can't prevent her but she has a duty to be honest with him.

Every day, men and women manage to be friends without shagging each other.

Going out for dinner with a friend of the opposite sex is, in any sane world, perfectly fine.

I can't believe that going for dinner with a friend would cause this much angst! It seems perfectly fine to me.

Some pretty flawed logic going on here

A. Couples like to go to fancy restaurants for romantic dates.

B. Therefore, any couple in a fancy restaurant must be on a romantic date.

C. If they're not at the start, they will be by the end of dinner, because A.

I hate to point out the obvious but can't he just find a male friend to dine with?.It sounds to me as though he wants a glam evening with a woman. I wouldn't be opposed to lunch but it's just a bit more to have dinner.
To be honest I don't think I would ask a male married friend out because I think it would niggle with his wife.

Yeah, it's totally ridiculous.

I recently went to a fancy pants restaurant with a mate AND shared a desert. The waiter assumed we were a couple and lit a candle and everything.

Readers, we did not shag afterwards.

You should choose your male friends better, @Sanitas. Like several pps, my male friends have been waiting for several decades in some cases to make a move and have clearly got their platonic deep cover perfected, along with Oscar-winning acting skills.

Like @Enthusedeggplant, I agree that some of the attitudes on this thread are depressing — it’s grim to see people with frankly Saudi Arabian attitudes to men and women having the most ordinarily friendly relationships.

No wonder so many Mners complain of loneliness if they automatically discount half the human race as friends. My life would be much the poorer if my friends, male as well as female, weren’t in it.

What is the sexual difference between lunch and dinner, pray?

And, by your logic, if ‘man + woman at a fancy restaurant = date’, why wouldn’t ‘man + man at a fancy restaurant = date’? Sex is also possible, after all? And if the OP’s friends male friends share this view, perhaps he’s afraid they’ll think he’s making a pass at them?🙄

I wouldn't like it if a woman asked my husband to partner her on a dinner date so I wouldn't accept a similar invitation from a male friend. End of.

Going out alone with someone of the opposite sex after you're married is inappropriate. It doesn't matter if it happens at a fancy restaurant or at a hotdog stand. But we live in a time when no one honors marriage and no one cares about honoring their spouse. Obviously, you and your husband don't care whether it's appropriate to be alone in this way at other times, so suddenly having a problem because the meal costs a lot seems a bit ridiculous. What does the cost of the meal have to do with anything? Apparently, your friend is also under the impression that it's perfectly fine to ask someone else's wife out to dinner, and I suspect he got this impression from past experience with you. So go feed your belly and strengthen your closeness with your divorced male friend. Your husband is being completely illogical.
Too bad your friend didn't still have tickets and reservations for an expensive honeymoon! (Purely platonic, of course.)

Well, I have been, very happily, in a committed relationship with my now-DH since our student days, and we’re now 50/51. Loving and being committed to a spouse or partner is completely compatible with having close opposite-sex friendships.

If anything, good friendships of all kinds strengthen marriages. You have contact with more different points of view on the world, different experiences, more sources of fun and support, all of which you bring with you back to your marriage, and which enrich it. Some of the marriages being described on here sound very claustrophobic and isolating.

Okay yes, obviously you're right and everyone can eat with whomever whenever wherever.

But surely you recognise that an evening meal in a fancy restaurant, in our culture, is something that's typically reserved for romantic couples. Whether or not that's logical. We all know that.

I have loads of male friends and have never had a fancy restaurant evening meal with them one-on-one. If one of them invited me I'd think he had a crush, OR was struggling with boundaries and wanted a wife substitute.

So it's not about what husband wants, but about supporting your friend without getting into embarrassing or weird situations. Direct him to a coffee date or invite some other people.

Utter rubbish.

Men and women can be friends without ever jumping into bed with each other. Not being able to accept that is your problem.