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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Bellsbeachwaves · 29/08/2023 19:08

Honestly tell him to get fucked. Those words. He needs to make serious changes or LTB.

Can you just go out. Tell they're his kids and go out. His response will tell you whether you honestly need to leave.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 19:08

@SunWorshipping it doesn't remotely make it ok - I am curious though if this kind of shit is normal in the OPs circle to see what kind of support might be forthcoming

YouOKHun · 29/08/2023 19:09

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:32

I don't you should expect to go out while he's working. I think his golf and drinks are work if they're with clients - this was the worst part of my job when I had to entertain clients.

Obviously he should be more respectful in his language, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a SAHM to have the children during his working day.

I don’t buy that. He’s pursuing a hobby with a friend who is also a business partner and “associates”. He is doing this for a whole “working” day once and even twice a week. I’m sure he’s worked hard to get to that state of leisure but still. He’s swinging the lead and leaving OP to trapped far longer than 9-5 Monday to Friday.

Reading these kind of posts on MN (far too often) makes me so fucking mad. He has no respect for OP’s role and clearly thinks she doesn’t have the right to question him. This restriction of OP is controlling and abusive. @rippedjeansniceshoes can some occasional childcare be found (paid for) so that you have some freedom if he isn’t prepared to parent? Or does he control that too? You should be able to get out and have some relief and you should have some autonomy.

i know you say you don’t know what to make of the scenario you present and are doubting yourself. Don’t. You are not in the wrong. He’s a nasty shit. Do you have the freedom to spend some money on ad hoc childcare? What’s he like the rest of the time?

Workingmumchaos · 29/08/2023 19:10

I think I would actually throw a mug at my dp if he said that to me.

Sayitaintso33 · 29/08/2023 19:11

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

You are in the wrong because you clearly have agreed to do the child care during the 'working week'. This so obviously needs to change.

I suspect you are also in the wrong for honestly thinking it wouldn't be an issue. If that is right, you are not being honest without yourself. It was always going to be an issue.

However, I can't believe how mean and inflexible your husband is. I think he is far more in the wrong than you. Far, far more.

karakchai · 29/08/2023 19:11

What an awful, awful person. Get the fuck out of this abusive marriage.

ZadocPDederick · 29/08/2023 19:11

Icannoteven · 29/08/2023 17:37

Yabu expecting him to look after the kids during his working hours. I can’t believe people are saying you aren’t. He is working!

Do you both get free time outside his working hours?

How is playing golf with his mates working?

Jk987 · 29/08/2023 19:12

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:46

He's running a business from home. I can see why he's frustrated that Op dismisses this as not really working. Obviously he needs to behave better about that, but you can't expect to leave DC with someone who's WFH.

For a one off with notice, I'd expect him to take time off to facilitate it though.

This IS a one off with notice though! And he's not working full time, he has time for 1 or 2 whole days of golf every week!

Mamai90 · 29/08/2023 19:12

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

Those 1000 times over, please do it!

My friend just got fucked over by her ex husband, a millionaire, she walked away from that marriage homeless with £12,000 debt and nothing else. He hid it all.

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 29/08/2023 19:12

he's got the absolute life of riley.

wife and kids at home that he can brag about but barely needs to be involved with
lucrative but undemanding business
lots of time to play golf and drink with his pals

he needs a rude awakening.

bakewellbride · 29/08/2023 19:16

Jesus op that's awful. I am shocked you have to even ask, goes to show his much he's conditioned you into forgetting what normal is.

Here is 'normal'. My dh took the kids out all afternoon last week - his idea! He insisted I needed a break and said that he appreciates all I do. I'm a sahm and he has a stressful nhs job which exhausts him yet he still always puts me and the kids first. He gets up with the kids so I get to lie in every so often. All my married friends are treated similarly and you deserve to be too. You'll never get it with this awful man.

Your situation would mortify my dh.

Mariposista · 29/08/2023 19:17

Get a job and leave this arsehole!

SlightlyJaded · 29/08/2023 19:17

Abusive and controlling. Perfect example of coercive control. He has worn you down to the point where you pretty much don't expect to be 'allowed out'. That's what they do - make it so difficult for you to go out that in the end, you just stop trying.

This goes three ways:

You stand firm now. Rock solid firm. Tell him you see what he is doing and you will not be controlled like that.

You leave him.

It gets worse until you are a shell of yourself and he is off on golf weekends and doing fuck knows what.

ps. Golf is not 'work'. Not under any guise.

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 29/08/2023 19:18

Wow so he will literally stoop to insulting your parenting in order to break you down to get his own way?

What a prize cunt. I wouldn't be having any conversations with him. I'd be busy leaving! Cheeky bastard.

Bellsbeachwaves · 29/08/2023 19:18

Yes I would (looking back) get a job at where you are now OP. Also start getting an idea of your finances and his finances.

TolkiensFallow · 29/08/2023 19:19

He’s a prick for sure.

I do think that if you are asking him to look after the kids during the working day then you should view it the same as asking him to take leave from work - but its still not unreasonable.

his language to you is awful, personally I’d tell him you’re getting a part time job as then you’ll have a legal right to time off on leave!

Gilead · 29/08/2023 19:21

I lived your life for over twenty years. It got worse as the years went on. I didn’t go out socially for most of that time. One of our children reported his treatment of me which (along with a great deal of help from here) helped me get away. It’s lovely, in fact it’s bloody wonderful. I’ve been away five years, and life is easier and better. Our children don’t speak to him, he is a martyr and they’re not interested, and initially pointed out that they witnessed the behaviour he denied. Please get away.

OfMiceandWomen · 29/08/2023 19:23

He doesn’t respect or value you at all. You deserve better.

Ladyj84 · 29/08/2023 19:23

Wow I'm so so sorry he makes life so much harder than it needs to be. Golf is work what the hell. My hubby works fulltime and we have 3 under 3 plus older and the minute he is in he takes over wether making tea or playing with kid etc. He actually dropped his weekend hobby to once a month so I get a break weekends and days off he takes them out or we do family things etc. I've never had to ask for time to myself wether it just be him keeping them downstairs while I have an hour or 2 or him taking them out voluntarily. I'm really sorry but your other half should be downright ashamed of himself

bakewellbride · 29/08/2023 19:23

Also I distinctly remember my mothers abusive partner ranting and raving about getting things into her thick skull and I remember feeling so sad and afraid. This was 25 years ago. The horrible memories never go away. If I were you I'd leave for the sake of your children otherwise you're modelling a terrible relationship to them. My mother never did this and we are no contact permanently, have been for over a decade. Think carefully about the damage any shouting or being horrible is having on your children.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 29/08/2023 19:24

His behaviour is unacceptable. Before making a move or mentioning your unhappiness with this situation, I would be rifling through the papers in his office. Company accounts/bank accounts/pension/investments/personal statements. Once someone like this realises that their reign of twattery is over all such items will disappear trust me. Ducks in a row time. And you're great by the way, don't listen to that dickhead.

PussInBin20 · 29/08/2023 19:24

Blimey. Did he even want to be a parent?

Does he do anything with or for them? If not when they are older, they will have nothing to do with him. Maybe worth pointing that out to him and see what he says (or even cares).

Poppyblush · 29/08/2023 19:24

Ltb, get a divorce. He’s a crap parent and worse husband.

Narwhalsh · 29/08/2023 19:26

Since he considers you being a sahm your job, I hope you are also getting an annual holiday allowance? Request a half day off to see your friend!

almostoverthehill · 29/08/2023 19:27

As PP have said it’s time to leave it’s only going to get worse.