DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

Honestly I'm so shocked reading this and can honestly tell you this is NOT the norm. My husband works a manual hard graft labour job, comes home, we share chores such as cooking/cleaning and we both go out whenever we want as long as one or the other of us is at home with the kids. Ask either one of us we'll say a shift at work is easy compared with parenting 3 kids, I'm currently on mat leave and work is waaaaaay less stressful. That's actual work too not fucking about in the sand pit with a driver. I think I've said the words "over stimulated" at least 1000 times at this point as summer holidays are HARD.

The one thing that stood out reading all ofthis is the "thick skull" comment....come on OP....nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. My mantra in my marriage is, if someone were to treat my children the way I'm being treated what would I tell them to do? Luckily I have a very happy and fair marriage with the odd cross word here and there but it takes A LOT to get there.

Agree with PP regarding making copies of financial documents and assets and keeping them safe, and if this were me this whole situation would be a deal breaker....I'd be out. Turn those tears into some fire in your belly, find YOUR views on what equates to fair married life and money. Sending you a massive virtual hug. X

He isn’t going to change. And there’s a reason he doesn’t want you to work, and it isn’t because he’s ‘traditional’.

Given he isn’t going to change, I think the question you have to answer is whether being treated like this is a price you’re willing to pay for being a SAHM and being ‘taken care of’ financially.

It wouldn’t be a price worth paying for me and clearly not for a lot of other posters on this thread. But equally there are plenty of women who decide it is worth it.

Putting aside all the other things that you clearly realise.

What would happen if you went to him and said "ok, I understand going out during working hours was not a good idea. So I've rearranged to leave at 5pm on Thursday and meet X for dinner".

Because if he wouldn't allow that either there are big issues.

If he wouldn't batter an eye lid then it's still issues with the way he speaks to you but he may be genuine about needing to be around working hours.

This is heartbreaking to read OP! You deserve better! He is abusive and controlling, he doesn’t want you to go out or have a job etc because he wants full control of what you do! I have been in your position.

my ex would follow me if I tried to go out (once a month) he got very angry when I was offered progression in work, would hate me meeting up with friends! I left his sorry arse.
would make me pay for all of the bills (he had huge savings in his account by doing this) he would have a problem with me working but expect me to pay for everything! I felt like I couldn’t win tbh.. it was awful.

you need to be honest with him about how abusive he actually is. I hate to say it, people like this don’t change, there is no harm in trying tho, from my experience they don’t change.. contact womens aid ASAP, get some advice.. back yourself up!

meanwhile, tell him straight! Tell him you are going out with your friend for a few hours! Also tell him your more then capable of coping with the children, everyone deserves a chance to breathe!

he is feeding off you questioning yourself! Xx

Yep this! I'd be requesting 4 weeks holiday a year! 🫣🤣

Honestly, now I've RTFT I'm even more flabbergasted.
As many others have said, he's controlling at best and more likely, at worst abusive. You're both adults and in a good marriage one doesn't get to tell the other what is and isn't allowed. As has been mentioned on here, whilst you can, I'd be gathering as much info as you can on his finances, and consulting a good solicitor. I'd imagine getting out of this relationship will not be smooth and you will need a good, well informed solicitor on your side.

He sounds abusive. I think you need some professional help as to how to get yourself and your kids away from him. This is no way to live! And your kids will grow up thinking it is normal to see women treated like this.

Please reach out for advice in real life.

Just seen your other comments, he is financially abusive. 'Normal' would be a joint account with a bank card each. I'm so sorry for your situation op but he has to go.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CuUZYNENUgQ/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== have a listen to this and probably a few more of her reels actually.

You're in an abusive relationship.

No, it is not you. No, you are not in wrong. His attitude is super disrespectful and I don't know how you improve things. He just sounds unpleasant and I'm sorry to say it really does sound like he thinks you are inferior and he can treat you like rubbish. I really hope he does get it and changes his attitude, otherwise I don't see longterm how you are going to feel loved, valued and happy.

It’s heartbreaking to read but I’d be willing to bet if OP did LTB he would do everything in his power to entire he didn’t have to pay maintenance (hiding finances) and would barely have the kids. You need to be clever and informed about this if you leave. You absolutely should leave because he’s an abusive, misogynistic wanksplat but cover your bases and get a SHL

Traditional my arse! He’s a bloke whose got you exactly where he wants you whilst being free to do whatever he wants.

I should imagine you have a good relationship so long as you don’t question him or rock the boat! Which you rarely do because the hassle and backlash isn’t worth it. Correct?

Yes please be smart and get as much info as you can.

Someone I work with has had a sibling just divorce. They were disgusted to find that their parent had hidden 50K from the now ex wife and two children so he didn't have to hand any of it over.

And yes fgs, if you ever do manage to leave him, make sure you have copies of his financials before he cottons on, because as sure as eggs are eggs, he’ll hide his income so he doesn’t pay much maintenance.

Oh, OP...it made me so sad reading your post. Your DH's behaviour really isn't normal at all; nor is the way he speaks to you. And you're right, an hour "alone" upstairs, is not a break from 3 kids and a vile man-child.

I've no doubt you're an excellent mum. That doesn't mean you have to care for your children alone, 24/7. You're allowed to have a proper break (outside the house!) and do whatever you want in that time.

It is extremely unlikely his attidues will ever change. That means you need to think through what you really want and what you're prepared to give up/put up with to achieve it. Personally, I think, even if you decide to stay with him, you really need to find a way to start earning money of your own. Money equals freedom and choice. Take care of yourself, OP.

He's abusive.

You need to get help, this won't improve. He thinks because he earns the money, even though he barely works, he gets to make all decisions. That not healthy or fair. How are you putting up with this? You must feel so suffocated and oppressed.

I was a SAHM for three years. In that time my husband paid all the bills, transferred me money so we had the same disposable income and I went out whenever I wanted. He would also take the kids when he could as he realised how hard it was.

You need to aim for better, for you and the kids. Money comes and goes, your freedom is priceless.

My father didn't want my mother to work, either.... and she was happy not to do so as my father was a very high earner. So she was a stay at home mother ... right up until my father left her for another woman when I was 21. Very long story short, she ended up losing the family home, got a tiny share of the equity (mortgage hadn't been paid in 2 years but the time she was forced by the court to sell) and now lives on a disability pension in a tiny housing association flat (not UK).

He'd cheated on her the whole marriage, he hated family life and even tried to dump her, myself and my two brothers back in her home country (and where myself and younger brother were born) when I was 11. Plan failed at the literal last minute, she found out what he'd tried to do the same day...and still stayed with him, still didn't get a job.

So all I can say is, be aware of what could happen.

What???? Surely in a normal relationship you don't need to ask permission to do anything. Certainly not the cinema with friends. You just ask him if he's about to have the kids and then go. That's the way me and my partner work, we just check the other doesn't have plans abs off we go. You certainly shouldn't have to wait until your kids are asleep. And gold definitely is not work 🤬
I think you need to read up on coercive control because that is what your partner is doing.

Are you afraid of him?

@rippedjeansniceshoes
OP, why are you asking permission as though you are a child? He is not saying that you cannot go; he is saying that he will not provide child care during his official work schedule. To be honest, much business is conducted on the golf course.

You simply need to schedule and pay for a sitter. You do not need his permission or approval to do that. If he objects , get a job and share the cost of nursery school.

You are his wife, you are not his child. You are long past the time that you needed anyone's permission to make independent adult plans.

This is abuse, OP. You won't be able to 'talk' to him about it.

He is deliberately controlling you and isolating you.

His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time.

It’s not ok for someone to talk to their partner like that. He’s a bully.

Talking to him will accomplish just as much as it has previously, nothing. Abusive men can't be reasoned with and won't change. Leave.

He is also financially abusing you. You are a victim of domestic o abuse OP and ipu need to speak to women's aid for some support

Your DH is not a good man. He is selfish and does not regard you as an equal.