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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
ImNotWorthy · 29/08/2023 18:33

So golf is work if it's with his business partner, is that it? I expect they talk about Important Man Things.

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

Nanaof1 · 29/08/2023 18:37

ChristmasCwtch · 29/08/2023 18:04

Sounds like he’s got himself a live in housekeeper/nanny that doesn’t need to be paid.

He’s a controlling, abusive know. Your life would be significantly better without him in it. Please call Womens Aid.

And gets to keep her under control by making sure she gets pregnant at regular intervals.

Abusive and controlling are just two of the many adjectives that could be used to describe this asshole. Some aren't fit to type out.

SunWorshipping · 29/08/2023 18:37

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 18:18

@rippedjeansniceshoes is there any kind of a cultural aspect at play here ?

Why would that make it OK? Saying people behave like misogynistic twats because it's their "culture" is no excuse. No one should be tolerating this kind of behaviour, culture or not!!

Mustardseed86 · 29/08/2023 18:37

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

This!

forgotmyusername1 · 29/08/2023 18:37

Thank you so much for reminding me when you are free.
On thur I am going out for dinner and drinks with my friend. Kids are yours after 5

MsCactus · 29/08/2023 18:37

I think him not watching the kids 9am-5pm is reasonable, even if he isn't very busy at work. Presumably he has to be "on call" during that time and can't just look after the kids while you go out.

However he should be giving you equal time off and away from the kids outside of your working hours - and it really doesn't seem like that's happening!!!

Can you rearrange your friend date for one evening when he's not working and get him to watch the kids for you as a compromise??

Beetlebuggy · 29/08/2023 18:38

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh, he sounds a right charmer.

If you left him, he'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be able to sort childcare and go out whenever you wanted, you know.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he is self employed, so that's not a given. Very easy to manipulate finances to pay nothing.

Mumsnet is quick to say LTB, but with 3 under 5s, doing this without relying on benefits (not that there is anything wrong with that), could prove difficult. A friend ended up in a skanky, one room, temporary bedsit out of her area, with 2 young kids. Her husband had a good life, everything in the name of his business though.

But to answer the pp, no it's not acceptable and they way he speaks to you is appalling.

favouriteyellowsocks · 29/08/2023 18:39

Well he's got himself sorted out alright hasn't he ! Leave him. He's an abusive twat.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/08/2023 18:40

Awful, awful man. Horrendous.

How can you live like this OP, it sounds so miserable.

WonderingWanda · 29/08/2023 18:40

Get rid of him. Relationships should be about give and take. It wouldn't hurt him to give you a bit of time to yourself.

Caffeineislife · 29/08/2023 18:40

Go back to work, organize childcare, get your ducks in a row and leave. He sounds selfish and abusive. He will have to pay maintenance or go 50/50 for childcare. 50/50 child care will be more than a couple of hours in August.

Nanaof1 · 29/08/2023 18:40

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

This! A copy with your Mom, a copy with the lawyer you are going to hire and a copy in a safe deposit box, if they have those available around you.

Andthereyougo · 29/08/2023 18:41

I think the 1950s want him back. He’s quite traditional? From 70 years ago maybe.
Get a babysitter so you can have time out.
Start planning to separate, can you imagine living like this when your kids are grown and leave?
Find all the paperwork you can, copy it, photograph it. Start looking for a job or training for something you’d like to do. He’s abusive and controlling. Coercive control is a crime.

Tirediam · 29/08/2023 18:43

It’s so easy to say LTB, but deffo not easy to do.
But please start by speaking to a solicitor and womens aid. You don’t want to look back in 10 years and just be so completely worn down and having lived off scraps of an allowance.
he’s an awful, selfish, misogynist man.

Nanaof1 · 29/08/2023 18:44

MsCactus · 29/08/2023 18:37

I think him not watching the kids 9am-5pm is reasonable, even if he isn't very busy at work. Presumably he has to be "on call" during that time and can't just look after the kids while you go out.

However he should be giving you equal time off and away from the kids outside of your working hours - and it really doesn't seem like that's happening!!!

Can you rearrange your friend date for one evening when he's not working and get him to watch the kids for you as a compromise??

Yes, I am sure he is ready, willing and able to be "on call" when he's at the twelfth hole and has had a few drinks in him, or later at the nineteenth hole.
I bet he drives impaired several times a month.

doodleZ1 · 29/08/2023 18:46

OP the 'thick skull' comment is extremely offensive and not something a loving husband would say. Are you afraid of him, has he physically hurt you? People that talk like this tend to be violent and make these comments to get you to back off and to show dominance, its a warning shot. My dad behaved like that, he is now dead but I still think about what a crap father and human being he was. I always had to watch what I said around him and how I said it. My husband would never dream of talking to me like that. It is not acceptable it really isnt. If you are afraid of him, please dont stay.

FrostieBoabby · 29/08/2023 18:49

You're only 1 stage away from being locked in the house.

Start planning to leave him, get everything in order and go. Don't let your kids be brought up thinking this is how women should be treated.

Yellowdaysaregood · 29/08/2023 18:49

Jesus, no

Ozziedream · 29/08/2023 18:50

He gets two full days off - and every evening (save one hour) too? Or is the dinner/ bedtime / cleaning up kitchen routine shared 50:50 between you? The day at the weekend when he’s not watching football, are you splitting the childcare/admin/cooking cleaning exactly?

if he can’t handle his own children in the evening he could pay a babysitter to help so that you get something approximating the work free / child free time he has.

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 29/08/2023 18:50

It's going to be hard to make a stand now op

But I would . Can you get a baby sitter ? Start to make a life for yourself outside the home , I wouldn't even discuss it with him. I'd just tell him when something is arranged and tell him then go , don't get into a discussion about it.

Maybe when you see there is life outside you might feel like reconsidering this marriage .

Nicole1111 · 29/08/2023 18:51

Sadly you’re in a relationship with an abuser. I’d have a look at this, paying particular attention to the using children section and then seek support and confide in people about how he treats you

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’
TheCrystalPalace · 29/08/2023 18:52

Get it into your "thick skull?"

For that alone, you should LTB.

GoodnightJude1 · 29/08/2023 18:53

Wow. What a twat.

Does he realise they’re also his children?
Does he realise you’re not the nanny?
Does he realise how bloody hard it is to entertain 3 young children day in day out?

What would he do if you were in bed sick?

Tell him to piss off OP. And while you’re there, tell him golf isn’t work.

Somaliwildass · 29/08/2023 18:53

How is the working partner expecting the non-working partner will have the kids during working hours so unreasonable l?

Reverse it and a working mother says DH is at home with the kids during the week. We each have 1 day free at the weekend. He's looked at my work calendar and decided I'm not too busy one afternoon so he's off out with his mates and I'm looking after the kids while I'm also meant to be working...