DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

LTB for the thick skull comment alone. He’s a controlling abusive twat who has no respect for you.

i honestly wouldn’t engage with discussions about increasing your allowance. Just go ahead and arrange what’s needed and if there’s not enough for other things he’ll have to pick up the tab or step up. Don’t ask, just do. You are not his employee.

It's one thing to say sorry no I can't look after the kids as I might have to do some work.

To call you thick, insult you and start ww3 because you asked is absolutely abusive. And that's before we get onto the other stuff.

Please don't cancel. That's letting him win. Pay for a babysitter for a few hours and enjoy yourself with your friend.

Is your DH wealthy?

Please don’t listen to @FishyTree they are either a troll or have serious issues (or both).

Please think of your children who are learning from you as a relationship model for their own futures.

And what you are both modelling is that your DH is a self serving prick who does not love or respect you as a human being in your own right. And you have been abused and coerced into being the unpaid cook, nanny and bottle washer. And more. You are essentially his handmaid.

Please take legal advice and see what your options are. You shouldn’t be abused for wanting an afternoon to yourself. Most decent men wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would want you to enjoy yourself.

I rarely post multiple times on threads, even when I name change a lot, but I have felt compelled to post many times because I just want to say I hope you find the strength to leave. The fact he's screamed at you is a massive red flag and hopefully the impetus you need to leave. Good luck and please take care of yourself and your children.

If you accept this now it will only get worse. Tell him "hey, I just want to let you know that this current situation isn't working for me". I'm going to have a very hard think about what I can do to change this as I KNOW that asking for a couple of hours to myself is NOT unreasonable. Then see what he says.

OP, do not show him this thread.

He is a highly abusive man.

You are being abused.

This is coercive control.

Which is a crime.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid for a chat, support and advice.

Reach out to friends and family.

Tell the truth.

This is not a good man.

OP, LTB but when you're explaining the situation, lead with the "thick skull" comments which are a really horrible way to talk to someone, the fact that you have no access to the joint accounts, and the fact that you're not allowed time away from the kids even on weekends/evenings after work.

The no childcare during work hours thing would be reasonable under a more loving/caring relationship and it's probably why you've got people commenting about that. It's a red herring. I do know people who have this kind of setup but none of the husbands talk to their wives like this.

Your OP made me feel really uncomfortable. He sounds really controlling and nasty.

Ahhh OP don’t put up with this nonsense. You are much better than this - stay strong and keep swimming

I've just read your update about how your hubby would focus on the comments supporting him.

Well.....I told my husband your situation and read your posts to him and his response was......"well none of my friends or myself would ever do business with someone like that if we knew. She's basically his servant and the allowance is laughable. Imagine treating your wife and the mother of your kids worse than shit"

We had a chat about how people seem to be brainwashed into thinking that because you are comfortable enough to stay home with the kids, that seems to equate to working 24/7 and a put up and shut up mentality. This is so so so wrong and I know deep down you know that.

With that being said....my mum was in a few abusive relationships, kids see/hear everything and they will know exactly who you both are. It's a case of finding your limit, everyone on here can tell you to leave but its easier said than done. My mum always said she knew her limit, shame it wasn't with the first hit, or the time she was denied food, or the time my sister was called an "it" by her then boyfriend. Cos that would have saved a lot of therapy all round and the outcome was the same regardless. I sincerely hope you find your fire. Another big hug from me x

I know you have seen this type of comments already but I hope it helps to have one more: I had a very responsible job before children (one of whom disable and that's why I didn't go back to work) but my abusive ex managed to make me doubt my ability to survive without him. It's all about control and he preys on your financial dependence. I noticed you said you love your life/kids but didn't say you love your husband so my feeling is you'd like a divorce but afraid to take that step. Like those who posted before me, I think you can do it. You must do it with some careful planning, however, evidence of assets is key. You need every penny you can get from the divorce. While you are not working, he will have to pay your maintenance but to be truly independent, it would be good to have a job / career. I know you haven't worked before but trust me, being a mum is a lot harder than most jobs and you have been doing it very well. As to childcare, I bet you anything he would suddenly be able to have the kids half the time to avoid paying you for childcare. If he doesn't want to have the kids while "working", he'll be paying you and you will have a proper paid job as a mum. Good luck!

What do you mean, he won’t let you?

when you have to ask permission
of someone you live with it’s demeaning
asking permission risks a No!

shame you cancelled your friend,
think you capitulated too readily,
when you could have announced your intention
to go out to lunch with the expectation of your OH
accommodating this modest outing

please do not show him this thread, why would you
when it is a safe place for you with good advice

how do you manage doctors, dentists, hospital, well woman clinic,
hairdressers, manipedi appointments, all inappropriate for children to be with you?

Womens Aid are brilliant - they have heard it all before -

remember -

We cannot control which way the wind blows but we can trim our sails accordingly -

and one from my Mum - “Even the worm will turn ! “

He is a twat. I would not be staying with a man who thinks he can do his hobby all day as it is 'work' but won't look after his own kids for a few hours so I could have some time away from them.

I bet if you look back he is controlling over other things as well as this.

Abusive, vile, controlling, why on earth are you with this horrible man?! Divorce him for everything you can. Jesus. I want to punch him

It’s not often I am lost for words, but I am on this occasion. The “thick skull” comment is especially vile! YANBU

Sending you strength op. Firstly to try and establish some clearrr boundaries where you go out because you are a person not a robot mummy cleaner. Secondly to think about options for getting back to work. He is very controlling and shows no consideration for you as a person - he genuinely thinks 6 days a week are for him to do whatever he wants, evenings are for him or for him and you but you have to look after the dc, and the 7th day is relaxation or precious time with his family where you do all the work. You don’t count at all here. It seems difficult to imagine he can become someone different, so I suspect you are beginning the trajectory towards separating.

if you want to play hardball, try telling him if he gets hobby time while ‘working’ then he doesn’t need Saturdays, and you will take the dc to the football field if necessary and leave them there with him. Tell him ‘your friends might sound like they think that’s unacceptable but their wives will all look at you and know exactly why this happened, trust me.’

Hope you are OK today OP.

Can you think about it and let us know have there been other issues over the years, other times where you questioned your relationship like this? How is his relationship with your family and friends? Does he value your opinion on things or make decisions on your behalf. I doubt this kind of controlling behaviour came out of nowhere.

'I've been screamed at again.. I won't allow it in front of the kids'

Even if you'd never had kids you don't deserve to be shouted at by the person who lives with you and is meant to love and protect you

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

This is coercive and controlling behaviour. Get out before it escalates.

He hasn't hit you YET. Not too far from it if he's punching holes in walls. You really need to leave as fast as is safely possible.

The more I read some of these threads about husbands the more I despair. This is not normal. He is being selfish! I’ve always told my wife to call me out if I’ve done something wrong and we always come to an agreement - not that hard

Just a note to say that if you take @FishyTree seriously in that it's your job to allow your dh to work- then you should also be entitled to annual leave...