Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
HotWaxToTheMax · 29/08/2023 22:36

Not sure about 'fishy' more bullshit 🤔
@rippedjeansniceshoes oh lovely, what a life he has you living. Yes you love being a SAHM but everyone needs an out let. When do you get to be 'ripped jeans' in stead of mum/wife, cook cleaner and cheif bottle washer?
An hour in your room makes you lucky? Wtaf? Are you living with Gino Decampo? Or John McCririck?
Is there anyone else you trust to look after the kids so you can have one final conversation about the total inequality in your marriage? Because I don't think it will get any better.
Sorry your Mr Right is a right wrongun.
You are clever and together, loads of support from lovely ladies (and the odd man) and your mum hopefully will help you see through the hard bits.
You are not a chattel.
Best of luck 🌺

RampantIvy · 29/08/2023 22:43

So, he agreed to father three children as long as he doesn't have to take responsibility for them?
I'm sorry you are saddled with a husband like that. and please don't have any more children.

WaltzingWaters · 29/08/2023 22:45

skinnytobe · 29/08/2023 21:59

  1. Get yourself back to work.
  1. Divorce the abusive arse
  1. Claim maintenance and set up time for him with his children,

Enjoy your child free time when they are with their father :)

Hope you're safe OP

This. He sounds awful. You deserve more.

favouriteyellowsocks · 29/08/2023 22:45

Good luck for tomorrow OP x

REignbow · 29/08/2023 22:47

I agree with PP, this is not normal. You are living in a gilded cage.

He has slowly worn you down, to where you are now questioning if he is right. He’s not! You are an adult, his wife not an employee or an appliance. The fact that he was screaming at you and tells you that you are lucky to get an hour to yourself but you cannot leave the house is very very controlling.

Please call women’s aid and start talking to friends.

And all those saying you are being unreasonable to ask as it’s during his working week 🙄

He only works a few hours a day, has his business so could work around a lunch. The fact is he doesn’t want to and deems it far beneath him to parent his own children on his own.

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 22:49

Just get childcare and do as you please.

ThreeLocusts · 29/08/2023 22:53

Get out get out get out OP. Of the marriage, that is. Easier said than done I'm sure, but there's no alternative. Wishing you strength.

dancingdaisies · 29/08/2023 22:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Wimpeyspread · 29/08/2023 22:58

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 22:49

Just get childcare and do as you please.

How do you propose she does that if she has no access to family money?

Cornishclio · 29/08/2023 23:05

He is selfish and abusive and no way would I be a SAHM with him doling out money and allowing you the odd child free hour. When I think of how much my son in law helps my DD out with their children as well as work full time your husband is downright lazy considering he doesn't appear to work much.

It looks like you and the children come way down the list after his hobbies.

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 23:06

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 21:07

@Someoneonlyyouknow

In my view it is pretty generous giving a SAHM an hour of time off childcare every single day! I would show y the vast majority of SAHPs are on duty in the evening on weeknights with childcare and preparing dinner etc.

Are you actually joking? What an awful comment.

He should want to father his kids FFS. My DH used to come in and take over straight away, he had missed the kids and wanted to spend time with them. He was also more than happy if I wanted to go out in the evening for my hobby or just out with friends, same for him. Normally 9-5 when I was on mat leave I would do all childcare/house related things but after that surely it should be 50/50.

He worked in an office so wasn't so easy to pop out to lunch but he would take leave if it was a special occasion or one of our parents would help out.

sugarrosepetal · 29/08/2023 23:08

@rippedjeansniceshoes You are in an abusive, controlling relationship and deserve so much better. Please find a way of reaching out for help in a safe manner.

https://speakoutloud.net/

Look up the power and control wheel versus the equality wheel. Call wom en's aid or ask your friends to help you. If your children have a health visitor or go to school, they can help too.

SpeakOutLoud — Learn About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse

It appears “normal” BUT Coercive Control is Power Play. Studies show that most domestic and family violence does not involve physical violence.

https://speakoutloud.net

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 23:08

NameChanger207 · 29/08/2023 22:36

I agree you should have checked before arranging something in working hours - even if he’s not working he may need to ‘be available’ in case something crops up.

however what’s important is what happens outside of 9-5. Do you both get equal chance of child-free time?

Surely she should be able to ask though without him being vile to her, and if he was free he should have the kids!

menopausalbloat · 29/08/2023 23:12

So he's in full control?
What a fking horrible, abusive situation to be in.
I hope you do something about this now your children are still young.
It's a hell of a lot harder when the children involved are older as they tend to take sides.

mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 23:18

You are married to an abuser.

You need to take steps to end this "marriage" in which you are a prisoner in your own home from 9-5 daily.

mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 23:20

ladeluge · 29/08/2023 17:41

When you are in the middle of it you often can't see the horror of your situation as others see it. I am so sorry but I could not live like that.

I don't know your circumstances but I wouldn't be surprised if you have very little control of your share of family money. You have few friends, family are not near you and you feel trapped. If I am wrong about this then you have the motive, means and opportunity to get away permanently. I doubt your situation will improve. One step out of line and there will be hell to pay.

If you ARE somewhat trapped call Women's Aid for a chat. Now.

THIS ^

PoshPineapple · 29/08/2023 23:20

No, this is awful.

I really hope he's got everything else going for him by the bucket load. But even then, I'd still struggle with this.

Throwingpots · 29/08/2023 23:29

This is such an awful sad post, what a way to treat your partner in life, the person you are supposed to love. If you were my daughter being treated so disrespectfully I’d be livid. You deserve much better, someone who’ll want to do things to make you happy, not treat you like a maid. Why the hell is he doing something wonderful by giving you an hour in your room a day, big bloody deal. It’s time you realised you’re worth as much as him, and deserve to be treated as an equal, and with some respect.
Please stand up for yourself, or things will only get worse. Best of luck

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 23:30

Wimpeyspread · 29/08/2023 22:58

How do you propose she does that if she has no access to family money?

Show quote history

With the “allowance” she is given.

Caffeineislife · 29/08/2023 23:33

@FishyTree must be a troll. That or an abusive arsehole defending another abusive arsehole.

Either way, completely ignore them OP.

MsRosley · 29/08/2023 23:35

Jesus Christ, OP, this reads like some kind of SOS from the 1950s. I hope you find the strength and support to get yourself and your kids out of this situation.

Needmoresleep · 29/08/2023 23:35

Work hours? Book annual leave.

Spywoman · 29/08/2023 23:36

READ THIS BOOK:

Get Out, Get Love: What everyone should know in and after abusive relationships.

Spywoman · 29/08/2023 23:37

By Doctor Craig Newman

wordler · 29/08/2023 23:45

You need to get your “allowance” increased to include childcare hours and find a local babysitter so that you can have your childfree time without having to rely on his whims.

Use this breathing space to get your head around what you’d need to do to get back into the workplace as soon as all three kids are in school full time.