DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

Ok maybe he is obliged to be available during his so called working hours but it does seem a rather strange set up. He has got the life of Riley and You are stuck with child,minding and domestic chores and can't even meet a friend. Not on.

@TaiDee wonder if it's OPs arsehole. husband!!

So let me summarise:

He put his cock in your vagina knowing you may end up pregnant - you did and had three children - now he doesn't want do anything really as their dad.

He married you - now he controls everything you do and all of the money - ruins your confidence - isolates you - doesn't appreciate you - restricts you and puts you down.

He's practically enslaved you and made it very difficult for you to leave him.

I think the sooner you start planning your exit with the help of your mum, the better. It might take a while though. Don't let your children watch and learn his abusive patterns, remember you are the parent responsible for their happiness clear. That narcissistic arsehole you unfortunately married does not care about your or their happiness, only his own.

Hi again. (kids are asleep and jobs done)

To the PP who said I was 'wet' and the other PP that said I I should be grateful for an hour alone a day in my bedroom... it's comments like this that makes me doubt myself.

I am not wet at all. I am strong and that's why I am posting because I knew deep down it isn't correct. It has just been this way for so long that I don't know what is normal anymore. Add in a few kids/pandemic/family loss I just don't know anymore.

I wish I could show my husband this thread because 99% is so correct. I just know he will focus on the 1% and use the odd comment to berate me. It doesn't matter that the other comments agree with me, he will definitely focus on the comments that support him.

I was screamed at again tonight when I tried to have a conversation. I am so tired. I won't allow shouting in front of my kids (eldest was still awake, but I thought he was asleep when I started the chat with DH) so I went to bed.

I'm in bed now. Tomorrow is a new day.

Thank you for everyone's support. My mind is swirling. I am a clever person, I got a degree but never used it. I'm not stupid, I know I am not!

Thanks again for the support. I will be reading and re-reading these comments all night. They give me strength. I'm going to need it for tomorrow morning x

1. Get yourself back to work.

1. Divorce the abusive arse

1. Claim maintenance and set up time for him with his children,

Enjoy your child free time when they are with their father :)

Hope you're safe OP

controlling twat …insecure too you deserve better no respect you have a right to a life to hope you find the strength to say listen twat I’m going like it or not fuck you

@FishyTree your views are just repellant.

Am I actually reading this? I must surely be taking you up wrong or are you actually saying the OP should be so grateful to be 'allowed' an hour upstairs on her own??

You’re so much better than what this man has resigned you to OP. I think you need to put you and your children first and leave.

You all deserve better than this man. Your children deserve to see you as you are, a strong and intelligent woman.

@FishyTree are you the abusive DH?

I've found readong your posts quite upsetting, OP. It almost seems like he's got you trapped in a cage.

Is your husband controlling or abusive in other ways? The fact that you don't have access to family money is worrying. Does he say its his money and you should be grateful to get any? Do you get to buy things for yourself, like new clothes, make-up etc?

It's good that you still have confidence and know that you are strong, capable & intelligent. Now you need to use that strength to view the possibilities for the future for you & your kids. Years & years more of your life as it is now? Your kids growing up thinking thikind d of treatment is acceptable, normal?

Or life away from him; your own place & decisions, a job? Is leaving him something you'd consider?

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and he has never once screamed at me.

I am actually genuinely upset by this response. I can’t bear to think of the life you must lead and the sadness you must be engulfed in.

This isn’t love OP - this is a man who thinks he owns you and probably loves knowing he can control what you do and who you see. It’s truly sickening. It’s evil, evil behaviour.

Who the fuck does he think he is? How do men grow up to think treating women so shit is acceptable?!

Please, please think about the examples you are setting your children regarding how men are allowed to treat women and what behaviours women should accept. By you staying with him you are showing and telling your children that your living situation is normal and how your husband talks to you and treats you is normal when it really, really isn’t.

Have you confided in your mum about this - and I mean telling her the whole truth about the kind of life you lead and how you are treated?

If you were my daughter I’d swoop into your house so quick, grab you and your children and whisk you off back to mine so fast that your shitty husband wouldn’t even realise you’d gone.

Please, please reach out for help and leave this awful man 😢

I have to say the same as PP, your posts are genuinely upsetting. No matter what anyone says, if you’re not happy with how you’re treated then you’re right to feel that way. It doesn’t matter if lots of other women have the same experience or not, what matters is how it makes YOU feel. So what if 1% of trolling comments tell you you’re wrong? They don’t get to tell you how to feel. You’re a human being not a cyborg programmed to be a mother and a wife and nothing else!

He sounds like your Owner not your Husband.

Are you for real?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership!

My heart is breaking for you a bit OP. This isn't how it should be. I want to say that I am the main working parent in my family and I think that my DH sometimes thinks I just "send a few emails" and it does frustrate me a bit when he wants me to jump in and look after the kids during my working (from home) days. I also do the thing of taking the kids when I finish work for a bit and sometimes I feel like a need a break after work but I also get he wants a break. I'm saying this because I think it is legitimate to have conversations about what DH does and doesn't do in the day in terms of childcare and different families will have different set ups with this.

However what is totally different is the way we talk about it, his language and attitude to you sounds abusive. He shouldn't be having a go at you or putting you down.

Secondly outside of work we split leisure time, breaks, lie ins etc. Our take on it is that during work time we are both at out sorts of work and outside of 9-5 we are both parenting and that is shared. If he considers looking after the kids a form of work, you should get breaks. If he doesn't think it's work he shouldn't mind doing it!

Ensure your contraception is 100%

Plan to get a job outside the home & your own source of money

Ensure that child benefit is paid into your account, in your name. This pays your National Insurance "stamp" while you are not working towards benefits & state pension etc

You should be treated as an equal

If you are unhappy, make plans to exit

He’s a piece of shit, I’m afraid. And from reading your posts I think you know that.

Do what you need to do to be safe, but make plans to find work and get rid of him for good. You mentioned your mum echoes the views here - is there any way you could stay with her for a while?

My thoughts exactly.

I couldn’t just read your posts and scroll on. It’s terrifying when you begin to realise that your husband is abusive but once your eyes are opened, you WILL start to see all the ways he controls you. Talk to your friends on play dates; how do they share child care when their partners get home? How do they share money? You will soon see how unusual your set up is.
Working is brilliant. It will help your self esteem, build up friendships but most of all, as others have said, earning money gives you power and choices. This set up is all about your DH having life the way HE wants it. What about YOU? Reclaim YOU. Going to a counsellor to unpick why you have allowed this set up to unfold will really empower you.
We who have ended abusive marriages are here to listen and champion you, OP. Start really looking and thinking and considering what is really happening in your marriage.

In my view, you’re on the wind up.

Listen sweetheart. You are being abused so get your ducks in a row and leave him. You are intelligent so look up all the help you could get. Find his business and bank details and make copies, squirrel as much away as you can meanwhile . Then just get the hell out. Ask your mum for practical help if possible and go and see citizen's advice. If you stay you are in for the most miserable life and I would place bets on it that you will still end up in the divorce court at a later date. This happened to my friend who sounds very similar to you. She gave up her nurse training, child minded 18 years because he didn't want her working and then

1. Son left for uni
2. Husband pissed off with another woman. He had been seeing her for years under the pretext of a cycling hobby. He never showed my friend enough respect and she was sure that she was being a wonderful wife and mother.

Don't do anything without careful planning and biding your time. Every best wish to you.

But FishyTree isn’t the OP?

Don’t rise to ‘it’.

I agree you should have checked before arranging something in working hours - even if he’s not working he may need to ‘be available’ in case something crops up.

however what’s important is what happens outside of 9-5. Do you both get equal chance of child-free time?