DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

He's hardly going to allow her to get a job, is he.

Ask him why he’s so scared of parenting his own kids.

If it’s so easy for you - why won’t be do it?

Honestly? Just go out. He’s not your jailor.

And when you get back, begin making plans to separate.

the 1950s called, they want you back

He's an abuser and his attitude to money stinks considering you are saving him an absolute fortune in childcare

Shouldn’t we all take a moment to welcome first-time poster, @FishyTree , to Mumsnet?

Divorce will likely allow her to be financially independent also.

Wonder whether he'd want the kids 50/50 OP...

You are trapped and wholly controlled by your husband. Some call it traditional, others call it abusive.

It is the latter OP. You need an exit strategy.

Time to stand up for yourself. He is not working, he just doesn't want any responsibility. I agree with others that are saying you should go. You are not his worker, he doesn't own you and you have a right to a life that includes time out of the house with friends. If you don't stand up for yourself now, this selfishness will just continue.

@FishyTree

The working parent in this scenario isn't under pressure though. They work from home for a few hours a day. No commute. Play golf and go for drinks with friends. Spend half the weekend on a hobby. Surely this relaxed, freetime-to-do-things-you-enjoy, lifestyle should be available to both partners in a marriage?

1. Get paid childcare.
2. Improve your skills / reach out to former career network / obtain qualifications
3. Return to p/t or f/t work
4. Start saving in a separate account for your emergency fund!

You are being abused - manipulated- controlled ..
he expects you to parent the dcs 24/7 .. He “allows” you an hour every day without the dcs .. tells you you can’t go out - financially controls you …
no doubt expects dinner on the table … sex in tap …..
he’s living his best life while he has a live in nanny/ housekeeper

his comment about getting it into your thick skull .. sent chills through me .. he has zero regard or care for you OP
my ex h said the exact same thing when I confronted him about his affair , right before he dragged me down the hall by my hair
I called the Domestic abuse unit the next day .
Please look into getting away from this horrible man

FFS
This is why we hide our internet history.

Op, I really hope that your allowance is worth the lack of freedom because your situation sounds incredibly suffocating!!

My husband is a high earner and suggested I stay at home and look after the kids/home and he would take care of the costs etc. The idea sounds great in theory but the reality (yours), sounds nightmarish.

I work 21 hours a week (5-12pm) and still do the lions share of house work and childcare but the fact that I work means that I insist he helps out with the children. We probably have a 30/70 split in terms of childcare.

I really would rather not work, but not at the expense of being a slave within my own marriage.

I'm really sorry, this is a horrible way to be treated. He should absolutely help more and you really are asking for the bare minimum of help.

Sadly, this is just another tale of a woman who has traded her financial independence and self respect for the role of a dependent to a domineering man.
Pre teens and teenagers receive allowances and need permission to go out with friends.

Her problem is not the time spent playing golf. Many, many, deals and agreements are made on the golf course.

Her problem is that she presents herself as a dependent rather than a partner and her husband in turn treats her like a child.

She needs to find a job and reclaim her self respect. It does not matter what he wants. Better for her to receive a wage than an allowance. With a wage she joins the ranks of working adults. She should contribute to the cost of child care. Better her children experience as a working adult than a poorly treated older sibling.

It Is likely that seeing her treated as child who commands no respect that they will have no respect for as well. All of the good things in the household will be made possible through dads efforts. She in not enabling dad to be successful. He could afford to pay for housekeeping and child care. She is perpetuating his ability to treat her as a poorly regarded child.

@TaiDee

Well that would be rather idiotic considering The Op stated in her first post that she had named changed... However,If the shoes fits, knock yourself out :)

definitely leave him, this is nightmarish!
and if @FishyTree has miraculously managed to acquire a wife then she needs to leave him/them/it asap too

Best to avoid golf playing men in general as they are always arseholes

I can understand him not wanting to commit to being available for childcare when he's working from home so he's free to respond if needed and I also have a job that involves socialising as a big part of my role so I get that too. But if any man said I needed to get it through my "thick skull" I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. No man should ever think it's acceptable to speak to you so disrespectfully. If I asked for this my dh would book the day as A/l or finish early on flexi time to encourage me to have time to myself. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss when and how you can both facilitate you having time for yourself in the week on a regular basis. If he can't accommodate that on evenings and weekends then it's more about control than it is about work. I'd definitely be challenging him on the way he spoke to you as well if you feel it's safe to do so.

Tbh I'd be thinking about what savings you have, what money you have in your own name and what changes you might need to make so that in future if you decide you aren't happy there, you have the option to leave.

I’m also a SAHM to 2 kids under 2 and my DH owns his own business and can have some flexibility-although not to the extent of your DH-but when he has a free couple of hours he’ll be at home helping or taking one or both kids out to give me a break. I even semi regularly go away for the night to visit family or friends in their different locations and leave the kids behind. It’s really important for your own mental health to get away from the kids every now and then and remember that you are a person too and not just “mum”.

Your DH is being a spectacular arsehole and I suspect it’s because he feels he can’t handle all three kids on his own (needs more practice) and that he loves the status quo because who wouldn’t? He’s living the dream while you take on all the domestic drudgery. Sounds like you’d actually be better off without him - certainly financially! He’s a fucker for handing over an “allowance”. I don’t know a single marriage in real life that does this. As for the comment about “getting it through your thick skull” would have sent me into a murderous rage so yep, my advice would be to stay super nice and compliant, get access to all his business accounts and hire a shit hot lawyer to divorce that bastard.

No no no @FishyTree No

You aren't doing anything wrong.
He's vile and abusive and you need to find an exit strategy.

LTB.

😂

Make your plans and divorce this controlling twat. Things won't change.