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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 29/08/2023 19:57

@rippedjeansniceshoes
Does it matter that he doesn't want you to work ? I give m teenage children and allowance. I would not give an independent adult an allowance. Your very terminology suggests that you are happy in the dependent role. He is giving you the respect that your behavior and mindset commands.

My teenagers have to ask permission to go out.My partner does not ask permission to come and go.

JFDIYOLO · 29/08/2023 19:58

OF COURSE YOURE NOT WRONG.

He gets to piss about doing a few calls and emails then he's off doing hobbies and sport.

While you are up to your ears in more children than you have hands.

You have a selfish coercive controller who wants you stuck at home where he knows exactly where you are at all times taking all the weight of the free childcare.

The 'thick skull' and 'can't cope' reherences are classic abuser tactics - verbally beat you down, belittle, disrespect, make you feel worthless.

And not wanting you to work but giving you an 'allowance'?

That's keeping you totally financially dependent and helpless with no income, savings or pension.

Do you want to continue?

Do you want your children to witness and learn how to behave from the example that both he and you are setting them?

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Pinklemons9 · 29/08/2023 20:01

Please get rid of this man. The way he is treating you and talking to you isn’t normal or acceptable. He’s gaslighting you and he has you exactly where he wants you. This is no life, take him to the cleaners.

Escapetofrance · 29/08/2023 20:02

He does sound extremely controlling and horrible towards you.
what happens if you’re unwell? What do you do at the weekends? Does he ever care for the children alone?
It must be very hard for you. Do you have any family or can you pay for help?

Onthemaintrunkline · 29/08/2023 20:02

Hi there is nothing ‘traditional’ about his attitude. He is controlling every aspect of your life. Curtailing your personal freedom, and controlling your financial freedom. Without these things you are manacled to him. You are a restricted, restrained woman who under no circumstances should live like this. It’s appalling, degrading and unbelievable in 2023. And all you wanted was to meet a friend for lunch!!!

Thelonelygiraffe · 29/08/2023 20:02

He's an abusive wanker. How dare he say that golf is work time??

Does he ever look after your dc?

This is sooo far from normal.

newbie202020 · 29/08/2023 20:02

MsMarch · 29/08/2023 17:45

what about evenings? Are you "allowed" to go meet a friend for dinner on a Tuesday after he's "home" from work? I take your point re not being able to do child-free things on the one day a weekend as your friends aren't free then, but in my experience, most women, especially SAHMs, get their "away from the kids" time in the evenings.

I will always remember fondly my friend's DH who, after I'd asked if she wanted to take up a last minute cancellation for an event, came home from work and got home about 2 minutes before I arrived to pick her up - he was still in his suit and tie, on the couch giving the 4 month old a bottle while reading a story to the toddler! He couldn't get home earlier, but he was 100% prepared to take over 100% from the minute he walked in the door.

I don't really understand @MsMarch why this is worthy of comment - & that it seemed to be so memorable for you? Because a man came home and immediately took over the care of his two children so his wife could go out?!?

Time and time again I read stuff like this on Mumsnet (aside from what is clearly a horrible, abusive relationship detailed by the OP). Of course if one parent wants to go out, the other should come home from work and pick up immediately to allow them to do so, if that's what's required and if they both agree that this is fair.

I work full time and my husband is a SAHP and I do this regularly, without fanfair (& indeed, still in my work clothes!). I wonder how many of his male friends would 'remember fondly' me doing this?

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 20:03

This is so sad to read OP. What an awful controlling abusive arsehole he is.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. If he has a weekend day to himself would he say yes if you had arranged something on the other?

Thelonelygiraffe · 29/08/2023 20:03

He's financially abusive too. You should go back to work so you're not totally reliant on him.

JFDIYOLO · 29/08/2023 20:04

Ignore the socks!

newbie202020 · 29/08/2023 20:04

MsCactus · 29/08/2023 18:37

I think him not watching the kids 9am-5pm is reasonable, even if he isn't very busy at work. Presumably he has to be "on call" during that time and can't just look after the kids while you go out.

However he should be giving you equal time off and away from the kids outside of your working hours - and it really doesn't seem like that's happening!!!

Can you rearrange your friend date for one evening when he's not working and get him to watch the kids for you as a compromise??

@MsCactus 'get him to watch the kids for you' - they're his children too!

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 20:04

newbie202020 · 29/08/2023 20:02

I don't really understand @MsMarch why this is worthy of comment - & that it seemed to be so memorable for you? Because a man came home and immediately took over the care of his two children so his wife could go out?!?

Time and time again I read stuff like this on Mumsnet (aside from what is clearly a horrible, abusive relationship detailed by the OP). Of course if one parent wants to go out, the other should come home from work and pick up immediately to allow them to do so, if that's what's required and if they both agree that this is fair.

I work full time and my husband is a SAHP and I do this regularly, without fanfair (& indeed, still in my work clothes!). I wonder how many of his male friends would 'remember fondly' me doing this?

Show quote history

Agreed, why are expectations so low towards fathers. Its quite sad.

Dwrcegin · 29/08/2023 20:06

He says this hour alone in the bedroom is my 'child free time' and I should be grateful as not many DH's do this after work?

He needs to fuck right off. An hour in your bedroom fml!

SquishyGloopyBum · 29/08/2023 20:06

He's gaslighting you.

You're the one who can't cope, yet you have to be around to do bedtime because he can't do it?

He's abusing you op. The financial set up is odd too. I bet he questions your spending....

Cerridwen83 · 29/08/2023 20:07

OP I hope it's OK to ask this - are you afraid of him? Has he ever laid a hand on you physically?

That comment "get it through your thick skull" gave me chills and made me remember it being said to me by my ex husband. Usually before he punched me.

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 20:07

For all those saying it's his working day, the OP has explain he doesn't work all that time, plus finds time to play golf which is clearly not work. FFS, he's a selfish twat.

PickUpTheDogAndBone · 29/08/2023 20:08

Go out - with the kids - one day and don't go back. This is abusive.

backinthebox · 29/08/2023 20:17

He’s a controlling, abusing arse. If you are already looking after the children 23 hrs a day I would be getting you all out of there and filing for divorce. Make sure he pays a suitable amount for childcare in your settlement.

bonzaitree · 29/08/2023 20:22

Get the fuck out now this won’t get better only worse.

CClaire · 29/08/2023 20:25

I mean he is clearly an a-hole but you presumably know that by this point of the thread! I’m sure it’s already been suggested but can you book a babysitter?

FedUpWithEverything123 · 29/08/2023 20:26

Why are you even with such a disgusting man? Leave, you will be much happier

PumpkinBum3 · 29/08/2023 20:27

He’s not ‘traditional’ he’s just plain old abusive. It isn’t ‘family money’ it’s actually his money and he gives you just enough so that you can ensure he is fed and looked after like some sort of frigging prize and his children are cared for enough not to bother him for anything.

This is completely in your hands, might not seem like it now but it is. You know this is wrong hence the post and you are getting good advice on this thread.

This won’t change and neither will his bullying little boy mentality. So now it’s up to you for your own sanity and your children’s happy childhood.

PumpkinBum3 · 29/08/2023 20:30

JFDIYOLO · 29/08/2023 20:04

Ignore the socks!

😂 I did wonder

Eleganz · 29/08/2023 20:30

Has he been transported through time from the 80's? Wheeling and dealing on the golf course while wifey waits patiently at home, what a knob!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2023 20:32

OP you sound like a prisoner talking about your hour alone in the bedroom as a break - at least prisoners get to go outside to exercise though 😫

He has really trodden you down so much but you don't have to live like this. There is a whole world of happiness and freedom out there for you if you LTB - please discuss with a solicitor. Fantastic news is that you're married so have lots of rights - to the house and perhaps the business too. Be very careful - do NOT let him realize you're thinking of leaving until you've sought legal advice please!!

Ps 'thick skull' the fact that you don't even sound shocked by that. Can you IMAGINE talking to anyone with such disrespect and contempt?!