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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt

129 replies

Bananaandmarmite · 29/08/2023 14:00

My Dh has history of being spiteful. He is at work as well as at home. He’s very corporate and sees it as his way of getting what he wants. He admits he manipulates the truth to his advantage to get a deal. He always wants to be the best at everything.

Anyway, currently on holiday with two teens. Hes had several dramatic moments whereby he thinks he’s being ridiculed (entertainment night in hotel etc).

The other morning I went to the gym with my eldest daughter. We often run together.

on out return we were telling him about this guy in the gym and what he’d said to us about running etc. Was a very lighthearted conversation.
we saw the same guy at dinner and said hello as we passed.
Dh has gone mad with me. Told me I’ve obviously been flirting with someone in the gym. That I then ‘went out of my way’ to speak to him in the hotel too. How I’ve disrespected him. How it’s evident or ‘go for anything with a pulse’ and that I ‘may as well walk round the pool and chat to the blokes there too as that’s my style’.
I was so so shocked and hurt. I’ve never flirted with anyone else. I’ve been with Dh for 24 years!

since then he’s said things like ‘all that running you do, and you’ve lost no weight at all, I’m surprised really’

he’s called me a fucking bitch because I was led on the duvet while setting the alarm on my phone. He couldn’t cover himself up for those 30 seconds.

the worst tho was last night, he said ‘you need to go back to the doctors and sort those patches out, they’re shit!’ Referring to the HRT patches I’ve been on for 2 months. It took me a lot to go on them as I had a lot of concerns but was in a dark place so felt it was the last resort. I hadn’t told him to begin with because he uses ‘time of the month’ as a throw away comment whenever anything goes wrong between us.

aibu? To feel hurt? I’ve spoken to day about it and he’s refusing to apologise because he says it’s all true.

Im sat on a sunbed worrying about going home. I can’t talk to 50% of the population without him getting jealous. And now I feel shit again about my patches. I’ve felt so so much better on them.

OP posts:
BadlydoneHelen · 29/08/2023 14:02

He sounds horrible- does he have any redeeming features? Somehow I doubt it

NegativNancy · 29/08/2023 14:02

Hurt? Understatement surely... I'm be entirely devastated that I was married to such a nasty prick.
Why do you put up with it?! He genuinely sounds like a total waste of space.

BadlydoneHelen · 29/08/2023 14:03

Do your children hear him to talk to you like that? What message are you giving them by putting up with it- get angry and fight back please

ISeeMisledPeople · 29/08/2023 14:06

He sounds dreadful.

Do you want to stay with him?

takealettermsjones · 29/08/2023 14:07

I know someone who is in this exact position (in fact it may be you!)

When you finally leave, you'll get your life back.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 29/08/2023 14:09

You are being unreasonable not to have dumped him decades ago!

minou123 · 29/08/2023 14:09

Does he have any redeeming features?

Let me put it this way.
You have a daughter.
What if your daughter's boyfriend/husband was talking to her, the same way your husband talks to you.

How would you feel?
What advice would you give your daughter?
Would you think he was a great boyfriend/husband?
Would you tell your daughter she is wrong to be hurt?
Would it be perfectly ok for her boyfriend/husband to talk to her like that?

Answer thise questions and then listen to your advice.

Gerrataere · 29/08/2023 14:10

Why do you believe you deserve to be spoken to like this? Read your post back from a third person view, what would you say to the wife? What would you want to do in her position?

My ex used to ‘joke’ all the time about me speaking to any male. It’s continued since we’ve split - he made a really spiteful comment about my (female) friend coming over when the children where at his as he evidently believes I use my childfree time shagging around town. I lost my shit with him more than once but it’s a constant seething jealousy unfortunately.

Devilsmommy · 29/08/2023 14:12

Cock knocker!!! Tell him to shove his bullshit comments up his arse and then ltb. Abusive twat😠

PussInBin20 · 29/08/2023 14:13

LTB, he sounds horrid!

Original poster
Bananaandmarmite · 29/08/2023 14:19

I fought back for the first time last night. I told him he was jealous, arrogant and spiteful. I also called him a wanker.
This morning I apologised to my dc for calling their dad this. And said it was wrong of me.

I’ve told him I’ve taken accountability for what I said but he’s not letting up that I’ve called him jealous and arrogant.

but he is!

I can see he’s deflecting his behaviour onto me.

I will never ever trust him again in terms of my health. He used to use my periods as a weapon against me. He would say I was rejecting him at the time I had my period, and go on and on about it. Also would be vile towards me about periods in general and belittle me. I learnt over the years not to tell him. Not to tell him anything. If I felt ill, not to tell him. So when I went onto patches I thought I’d have to as he’d see them. He said he was glad I’d confided in him finally and that he’d prove that he’d be there for me. So to then scream at me last night about them like he did, has hurt me to the core. I feel a waste of space today.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 29/08/2023 14:21

He's the waste of space, not you. Don't suppose he apologised to your DC for the crap he said to you did he?

OldTinHat · 29/08/2023 14:22

YANBU.

I can offer advice on how to improve things so you can enjoy your hobby and the benefits of the patches, however. My advice is enjoy the rest of your holiday best you can, get home afterwards, look up a decent solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

This man is bringing you no happiness or joy, he's knocking your self esteem, so what's the point of him being in your life? Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this?? Do you want your DC to witness this bullying and think it's okay? Nope, thought not.

Gather your strength and get rid of this turd of a man.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 29/08/2023 14:22

He's not just a waste of space, he's an abusive prick. Get out, get out, get out! Life will be so much better without him.

greyhairnomore · 29/08/2023 14:23

Don't let him make you feel like that , you're not the one who's a waste of space. Fuck him , use the rest of the holiday to sort out leaving the cruel bastard.

Screamingabdabz · 29/08/2023 14:23

“This morning I apologised to my dc for calling their dad this. And said it was wrong of me.”

How disappointing. Why did you do that? It was all true and it will do them good to see their mother have a bit of spine to stand up to a prick of a husband. It doesn’t matter that he’s their dad, they should know the reality of his vile personality. I bet he won’t apologise to them. Too arrogant.

Why do you put up with a man who readily admits he’s spiteful? Is it the money he earns by terrorising his colleagues?

bluecorn · 29/08/2023 14:24

Get out OP. You can have a better life than this Flowers

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2023 14:28

Please get rid of this hateful, disrespectful wanker.

If you stay with him you're showing your DC that this is how relationship are.

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 14:30

He's abusing you. Leave him.

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2023 14:32

Well he's a nasty bastard, isn't he? Do you feel up for 24 more years of this?

Scousemousey · 29/08/2023 14:33

I couldn't be in a room with him, never mind any sort of relationship. Bail.

Prelapsarianhag · 29/08/2023 14:42

He is a total cunt. Split and take him to the cleaners.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 14:47

DrSbaitso · 29/08/2023 14:32

Well he's a nasty bastard, isn't he? Do you feel up for 24 more years of this?

Think about this. It doesn't have to be the rest of your life. Imagine the peace you'd have.

Skybluecoat · 29/08/2023 14:51

He sounds like a piece of shit.

I would be getting legal advice when I got home.

Lastchancechica · 29/08/2023 14:51

You are being abused.
Heavily emotionally abused.

He will continue to take you down, and strip you of your confidence, dignity and self esteem until there is nothing left of you but a shell - then he will tell you that the nervous breakdown and severe mental health problems is your fault and how weak and useless you are.

Get the hell out op.
You will always lose, he will take you down as he also sees you as the competition. Get out whilst you still can.