To feel hurt

[Bananaandmarmite]

My Dh has history of being spiteful. He is at work as well as at home. He’s very corporate and sees it as his way of getting what he wants. He admits he manipulates the truth to his advantage to get a deal. He always wants to be the best at everything.

Anyway, currently on holiday with two teens. Hes had several dramatic moments whereby he thinks he’s being ridiculed (entertainment night in hotel etc).

The other morning I went to the gym with my eldest daughter. We often run together.

on out return we were telling him about this guy in the gym and what he’d said to us about running etc. Was a very lighthearted conversation.
we saw the same guy at dinner and said hello as we passed.
Dh has gone mad with me. Told me I’ve obviously been flirting with someone in the gym. That I then ‘went out of my way’ to speak to him in the hotel too. How I’ve disrespected him. How it’s evident or ‘go for anything with a pulse’ and that I ‘may as well walk round the pool and chat to the blokes there too as that’s my style’.
I was so so shocked and hurt. I’ve never flirted with anyone else. I’ve been with Dh for 24 years!

since then he’s said things like ‘all that running you do, and you’ve lost no weight at all, I’m surprised really’

he’s called me a fucking bitch because I was led on the duvet while setting the alarm on my phone. He couldn’t cover himself up for those 30 seconds.

the worst tho was last night, he said ‘you need to go back to the doctors and sort those patches out, they’re shit!’ Referring to the HRT patches I’ve been on for 2 months. It took me a lot to go on them as I had a lot of concerns but was in a dark place so felt it was the last resort. I hadn’t told him to begin with because he uses ‘time of the month’ as a throw away comment whenever anything goes wrong between us.

aibu? To feel hurt? I’ve spoken to day about it and he’s refusing to apologise because he says it’s all true.

Im sat on a sunbed worrying about going home. I can’t talk to 50% of the population without him getting jealous. And now I feel shit again about my patches. I’ve felt so so much better on them.

Sounds like he has mental issues if not what a horrible piece of shit.

Wow.
Op, go for a run, go to the gym and chat to whoever you please. Try and enjoy your holiday. Drink wine, put on your best clothes and ignore your dh. Concentrate on having a good time and enjoying it with your dcs.
Upon your return if you are such an embarrassment your dh won’t be upset when you tell him you want to separate then , will be?

Yeah and sadly there are no patches for those issues.

You need to end this . He is a nasty , bullying piece of work and your children will have picked up on this.

I'd wait til you get home, sort your finances out then tell him to either piss off or your leaving.

Henceforth do nothing for him and don't sleep with him.
Get rid.

Nasty.

This sort of behaviour is so stressful and not good for children to hear nasty bullying useless waste of space.

What is keeping you there and what do you need to help you get away?

Your children will be glad to be out of this toxic atmosphere.

I bet this feels like a pile on. We are not OP - we are outraged on your behalf.

You feel hurt? You are married to a controlling, jealous, spiteful abuser. I feel disgusted and angry on your behalf. You are being abused and need to find a way to leave

Why do you feel trapped, what's stopping you from leaving him?

Oh no, that's disgusting to read. It's pure abuse.

You need to LTB. Don't set this example for your children.

You would feel sooooo much better all round if you got rid of the insecure dick.

F

Op, think about the message this is sending your DC. That this is how you treat people. You need to do something about it, be a role model for them. This is not ok.

Leave

I hope you are ok. Do you know what helped me massively when I left my ex-husband - Women's Aid. I went there as a colleague was like you HAVE to go after I confided in her. I went there truly broken and honestly thought after the same belittling that you are facing that that Women's Aid would genuinely think- god no wonder he is saying these things to her, she is really ugly and a total mess. What a shit place to be. They helped me - very quickly - just through a few chats identify his behaviour - absolute text book. (as I went back to him for a very dangerous month or so). So whilst I was receiving this abuse, I was more coherent about what was happening to me. Being able to identify these different tactics he was using was like shining a light on what was happening and i was like FUCK THIS. I had no family around but I had friends and them. He is a corporate wanker as well - but really an entitled racist, narrow minded little prick. Thanks for listening ;)

@Bananaandmarmite

we went for lunch today and I’ve been enjoying a glass of wine each day at lunch. Today I didn’t. I felt crushed inside. Not because of the wine. But because of his smirk as he drank his beer.

He's enjoying your unhappiness because he knows he's got under your skin. From here on, you'll think twice before you have a single glass of wine with a meal because you're an embarrassing lush (not!!).

Please do talk to trusted friends who can advise you and keep your confidence. They might also be able to recommend a good family law solicitor or if not look up solicitors on The Law Society's website and talk to several before making an appointment. Take with you any financial information you can (market price of your home, equity in your property, pension puts both his and yours etc). Give yourself some options which don't include having him as a husband or in your space. Speak to Women’s Aid for advice and check your eligibility for benefits/universal credit (www.entitledto.co.uk).

Do not tell him you are making any preparations to possibly leave - his behaviour is likely to get worse once he knows.

You may not act immediately on any of this information but information is power and may help you focus on next steps. 🌹

Why are you still with this loser?

He sounds like a narcissist to me. I would suggest therapy or couples counselling but from what you have said I am fairly positive he wouldn’t go as HE is not the problem, at least in his eyes, and never will be. He would probably be against you going too, on your own, as there would be a risk the counsellor would agree with and side with you. Also - they could be a man 😱 and you would obviously start up an illicit affair immediately 🙄

The next time he pulls you up on drinking with your meals tell him he’s an embarrassment too but he doesn’t need alcohol to accomplish that. Whatever you say he’s likely to kick off and/sulk. If you’re in a position where you feel you have to tolerate this because you’d be worse off if you left perhaps start thinking how you can change that. I’m sorry to say I don’t think it will get any better, unless he displays affection and kindness at other times and these are just rare blips, but it doesn’t sound like they are. Perhaps when you are back from your holiday you should tell him you can’t go on like this and and ask if he loves you. If he says yes ask why he is treating you this way. I wonder if a short sharp shock such as you deciding a solo wknd away to a family member’s/ hotel may be the wake up call he needs (take the kids if you are worried about how they’ll be treated in your absence). But be prepared for him to threaten to walk out first if his ego has taken a bruising bc he is likely not to want to lose face, and you potentially leaving HIM would be unbearable. Good luck OP!

Bless you. Keep using the patches and be strong. As ev1 has said, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the children. You can't talk about the patches etc to him, if you stay, think of when you're older and you may physically need or rely on his help, what then?

Going back to my previous post - presuming you ask him if he loves you, (he will in all likelihood say yes) ask him why.

A lot of the time ppl automatically say “yes - don’t be ridiculous/ how could you ask such a thing?” etc bc that is the easy/expected response and calculated to placate, if not shut down the other person. But it is meaningless unless they can back it up. Your husband’s response and reaction will be very telling OP.

Just 4 words - Bye bye dick head

Do you really want this for thr rest of your life OP?

The OP hasn't been back since posting last August.

Hope you are OK though OP

Does everyone realise OP last posted in August? I would love to know how she's doing though and hope she has seen that she's in an abusive relationship.

You’re right! 🤦🏼‍♀️ I totally didn’t check the date. I must have assumed it was recent as the other threads I’ve been looking at were. Wow was quite a while ago. Yes I hope OP is ok

What do you actually get out of this relationship?