To feel hurt

[Bananaandmarmite]

My Dh has history of being spiteful. He is at work as well as at home. He’s very corporate and sees it as his way of getting what he wants. He admits he manipulates the truth to his advantage to get a deal. He always wants to be the best at everything.

Anyway, currently on holiday with two teens. Hes had several dramatic moments whereby he thinks he’s being ridiculed (entertainment night in hotel etc).

The other morning I went to the gym with my eldest daughter. We often run together.

on out return we were telling him about this guy in the gym and what he’d said to us about running etc. Was a very lighthearted conversation.
we saw the same guy at dinner and said hello as we passed.
Dh has gone mad with me. Told me I’ve obviously been flirting with someone in the gym. That I then ‘went out of my way’ to speak to him in the hotel too. How I’ve disrespected him. How it’s evident or ‘go for anything with a pulse’ and that I ‘may as well walk round the pool and chat to the blokes there too as that’s my style’.
I was so so shocked and hurt. I’ve never flirted with anyone else. I’ve been with Dh for 24 years!

since then he’s said things like ‘all that running you do, and you’ve lost no weight at all, I’m surprised really’

he’s called me a fucking bitch because I was led on the duvet while setting the alarm on my phone. He couldn’t cover himself up for those 30 seconds.

the worst tho was last night, he said ‘you need to go back to the doctors and sort those patches out, they’re shit!’ Referring to the HRT patches I’ve been on for 2 months. It took me a lot to go on them as I had a lot of concerns but was in a dark place so felt it was the last resort. I hadn’t told him to begin with because he uses ‘time of the month’ as a throw away comment whenever anything goes wrong between us.

aibu? To feel hurt? I’ve spoken to day about it and he’s refusing to apologise because he says it’s all true.

Im sat on a sunbed worrying about going home. I can’t talk to 50% of the population without him getting jealous. And now I feel shit again about my patches. I’ve felt so so much better on them.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a person like this?

he sounds like an insecure, toxic person.

You’re not trapped. I know it seems hard but start making small steps.

List out the difficulties here (housing, benefits etc) and people here will help you.

@Bananaandmarmite

What a nasty, nasty creature you are married to. He's definitely jealous that you are able to converse easily with people (it's a skill) and that people think you are a nice person. His own character must show plainly on his face if he turns into a giant tantrumming toddler throwing sulks when you are just behaving like a normal, nice person. Yes do listen to other people who say you're lovely, positive person - I would welcome someone like you in my life.

I hope you can find a way out of this toxic relationship because he will only get worse, whether you are a challenge for him or not. Do see a good divorce solicitor (on the quiet) to get some advice on what to expect if you decide you've had enough. If you can get a recommendation from a trusted, discreet member of your friendship group all the better, otherwise google "Find a solicitor" to find Law Society registered solicitors in your area. Take with your appointment as much of your (and his) finances as possible, eg estimated equity on your home, cash on deposit, investments etc and a precis of how he treats you and what position you'd like to end up in post divorce.

You may decide not to move immediately, but you'd have an idea of how you'd manage financially, child access, etc. but knowledge is power and may give you options you're unaware of. Also look up what benefits you might be eligible for eg; www.entitledto.co.uk.

Sending you Strength and good vibes OP. 🌹

Just get rid. You surely know deep
down that this is the only way. Life is too short to feel shit.

Not a great model for your kids either.