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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt

129 replies

Bananaandmarmite · 29/08/2023 14:00

My Dh has history of being spiteful. He is at work as well as at home. He’s very corporate and sees it as his way of getting what he wants. He admits he manipulates the truth to his advantage to get a deal. He always wants to be the best at everything.

Anyway, currently on holiday with two teens. Hes had several dramatic moments whereby he thinks he’s being ridiculed (entertainment night in hotel etc).

The other morning I went to the gym with my eldest daughter. We often run together.

on out return we were telling him about this guy in the gym and what he’d said to us about running etc. Was a very lighthearted conversation.
we saw the same guy at dinner and said hello as we passed.
Dh has gone mad with me. Told me I’ve obviously been flirting with someone in the gym. That I then ‘went out of my way’ to speak to him in the hotel too. How I’ve disrespected him. How it’s evident or ‘go for anything with a pulse’ and that I ‘may as well walk round the pool and chat to the blokes there too as that’s my style’.
I was so so shocked and hurt. I’ve never flirted with anyone else. I’ve been with Dh for 24 years!

since then he’s said things like ‘all that running you do, and you’ve lost no weight at all, I’m surprised really’

he’s called me a fucking bitch because I was led on the duvet while setting the alarm on my phone. He couldn’t cover himself up for those 30 seconds.

the worst tho was last night, he said ‘you need to go back to the doctors and sort those patches out, they’re shit!’ Referring to the HRT patches I’ve been on for 2 months. It took me a lot to go on them as I had a lot of concerns but was in a dark place so felt it was the last resort. I hadn’t told him to begin with because he uses ‘time of the month’ as a throw away comment whenever anything goes wrong between us.

aibu? To feel hurt? I’ve spoken to day about it and he’s refusing to apologise because he says it’s all true.

Im sat on a sunbed worrying about going home. I can’t talk to 50% of the population without him getting jealous. And now I feel shit again about my patches. I’ve felt so so much better on them.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/08/2023 15:49

Are you just wanting to vent or do you want help with leaving him OP?

When you have your meal next. Look him in the eye and have your glass of wine. When he berates you, which is really bad for kids to witness. Gather them up and go and do something fun. Leave him on his own each and every time he does it

You need to find the person you've buried and get rid of the daft twat.

You need to tell him to fuck off more. Tell him not to project his issues onto you and walk away.

Lackinginspiration1 · 29/08/2023 15:57

Oh op I feel so sad for you. Try and watch the bbc series ‘life’ - that reminds me of what you describe

CClaire · 29/08/2023 15:58

WTF OP? Divorce him.

I don’t think I’ve ever said that on MN before but he sounds like an absolute scumbag. You might not even need HRT once you’ve cut the cancer out.

Flopsythebunny · 29/08/2023 15:59

Please divorce him and enjoy the rest of your life.
Your kids will thank you for it

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 16:02

Bananaandmarmite · 29/08/2023 15:13

Thank you all.

I woke feeling really awful, just sad and worthless.

my dd and I went to the gym again before breakfast. Left him and other dc in bed.

he also told me last night I’m an embarrassment when I’ve had a glass of wine and if I want a future I need to stop drinking wine!!!! I love a glass of wine with dinner. Never over drink and never get ‘drunk’.

we went for lunch today and I’ve been enjoying a glass of wine each day at lunch. Today I didn’t. I felt crushed inside. Not because of the wine. But because of his smirk as he drank his beer.

just feel empty

So you gave in to him. And he’s enjoying treating you like this. So he’ll keep doing it and probably get worse. Why did you obey his ridiculous command?

This is no life, being downtrodden and abused.

Tanktanktank · 29/08/2023 16:02

I think OP it’s time to start making an escape plan. Get your ducks in order, stash some cash in a new savings account. He sounds truly awful and well done for pulling him up but tbh he’s not going to change. You only get one life, go and live it without fear or exhaustion.

Nicole1111 · 29/08/2023 16:02

Sadly this man is abusing you. Please take a look at this wheel and recognise the different ways he abuses you then seek help from a local domestic abuse charity when you return. Also if you feel up to it begin to talk to your friends about how he treats you.

To feel hurt
Zanina · 29/08/2023 16:11

Hi OP, I can only assume that perhaps he is jealous of your personality, that you being unwell at times is an inconvenience. Maybein his mind he resents you for a perceived misdemeanour so he is using anything he can to hurt you. Maybe he expects you to walk talk breath exactly as he wants. Add in superior complex and you have a bully. I find some people who are succesful in work and used to getting what they want, then go home and bully their family. These kind of people will keep going until you're mentally destroyed. Your children will learn this behavior and you will then have an adult child doing the same shit to you and their siblings and the cycle continues.

Readingineading · 29/08/2023 16:14

Leave. He is controlling everything you do.
Get help in real life and leave.

Noorandapples · 29/08/2023 16:15

You know you should leave, you need to work up the courage to do it to live your life without his shadow. In the meantime turn everything he says back on him without showing any emotion. He has a pop at your hormones, tell him actually you're the emotional one not me. Too much alcohol, actually you're the one who can't stop thinking about alcohol not me. Use it for everything, when he tells you to give him an example tell him it's not your job to keep track of his behaviour. Do your best to shut down the horrible prods and pokes by not giving him the upset reaction he wants.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 29/08/2023 16:16

He’s a bully. You deserve better.

minty757 · 29/08/2023 16:18

What a fucking prick. I absolutely guarantee that he is the worthless piece of shit - if you think, oh I'll miss him, it'll be a mistake leaving him - no way on earth, will be the best choice you can make. He is a pig, you sound like a total legend, one who is (hopefully!) having an awakening to a better life! Obviously it's a logistical mission but you can do it. I left my husband who was the same - would accuse me of flirting with waiters/the guy at the checkout, call me a slut, cut me off from male friends, go in a huff for the most insane reasons where I was totally second guessing myself all the time. I was like oh, he's just the jealous type, not had that before, he must love me. Absolutely fucking not. I love my daughter, i would NEVER let her feel the hurt I was made to feel. Your husband deserves to be told to fuck off and to suffer. You deserve love and happiness.

LondonLovie · 29/08/2023 16:21

It's hard to read, and even harder to accept- but from what you have said, you are in an abusive relationship. Get yourself a solicitor, get statements from all your accounts and get yourself ready. No one should make you feel like that.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 29/08/2023 16:23

Leave him. He’s an abusive, nasty bit of work and an absolute fucking waste of your life.

CurlewKate · 29/08/2023 16:24

This is the man you children are learning about relationships from. It's how your sons will act, and what your daughters will expect.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 29/08/2023 16:25

He’s trying to crush your very soul. Demolishing your confidence, belittling you and controlling you. It’s actually horrific, what you are telling us here, OP. Please don’t think for a second you are overreacting or need to apologise to him / your children. They actually need to see you telling them his behaviour is wrong.

Cakeandcardio · 29/08/2023 16:26

Would you think about leaving him? You sound sad and as if he's chipped away at you for so long.

Today you should have the wine though. It seems it's only him who is embarrassed so who cares? And chat to who you like.

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 16:28

What a truly diabolical example of a marriage that you’re children are witnessing Op

and what a very unhappy childhood they must be enduring living in this atmosphere and environment day in day out

if you don’t make a change for yourself, FGS do it for your children

LifeExperience · 29/08/2023 16:29

He has verbally abused and tried to control you for years. If he's not willing to get counseling for his issues, I'd be done. Nobody should live that way.

Escapingafter50years · 29/08/2023 16:30

You should not be hurt, you should be 50 shades of angry!

He is a disgusting man who cares about no one but himself. The way he has seen fit to treat you is literally inhumane.

Unfortunately your children have been brought up in this toxic environment and will have been badly affected, they don't know what a proper model of a safe relationship is, and could find themselves being abused by (or even abusing) a partner.

You need to leave this disgrace of a husband and father, educate yourself as to why what he has done is so bad, and help your children to understand that this is completely unacceptable. Better late than never.

Talk to Women's Aid (yes, it's that bad) and read Lundy Bancrofts book called Why Does He Do That, available as a free pdf if you search.

Layinwait · 29/08/2023 16:30

How old are your children?

WeeOrcadian · 29/08/2023 16:31

Oh OP, your post and updates have brought me to tears

He's a bully, an absolutely vile piece of shit and you deserve better.
Please don't let yourself be subjected to this for the next 20 + years - you deserve to be happy. A life partner is supposed to enhance your life - he's bringing you quite the opposite of enhancement.

Polecat07 · 29/08/2023 16:35

Please please leave this awful man. You get one life, don't spend yours like this.

Peacelily001 · 29/08/2023 16:46

CurlewKate · 29/08/2023 16:24

This is the man you children are learning about relationships from. It's how your sons will act, and what your daughters will expect.

This.
a friend of mine is in a similar relationship. She is a bundle of anxiety and her daughters (who are 10 and 8) are already displaying dysfunctional behaviour.
They are learning how to be treated by their parents awful relationship.

Please get legal advice OP, show your children that you won’t put up with this abuse any more.
Sadly my friend will never leave her abusive husband, the damage is already done.

VivX · 29/08/2023 16:47

Drink the wine and ltb