To feel hurt

[Bananaandmarmite]

My Dh has history of being spiteful. He is at work as well as at home. He’s very corporate and sees it as his way of getting what he wants. He admits he manipulates the truth to his advantage to get a deal. He always wants to be the best at everything.

Anyway, currently on holiday with two teens. Hes had several dramatic moments whereby he thinks he’s being ridiculed (entertainment night in hotel etc).

The other morning I went to the gym with my eldest daughter. We often run together.

on out return we were telling him about this guy in the gym and what he’d said to us about running etc. Was a very lighthearted conversation.
we saw the same guy at dinner and said hello as we passed.
Dh has gone mad with me. Told me I’ve obviously been flirting with someone in the gym. That I then ‘went out of my way’ to speak to him in the hotel too. How I’ve disrespected him. How it’s evident or ‘go for anything with a pulse’ and that I ‘may as well walk round the pool and chat to the blokes there too as that’s my style’.
I was so so shocked and hurt. I’ve never flirted with anyone else. I’ve been with Dh for 24 years!

since then he’s said things like ‘all that running you do, and you’ve lost no weight at all, I’m surprised really’

he’s called me a fucking bitch because I was led on the duvet while setting the alarm on my phone. He couldn’t cover himself up for those 30 seconds.

the worst tho was last night, he said ‘you need to go back to the doctors and sort those patches out, they’re shit!’ Referring to the HRT patches I’ve been on for 2 months. It took me a lot to go on them as I had a lot of concerns but was in a dark place so felt it was the last resort. I hadn’t told him to begin with because he uses ‘time of the month’ as a throw away comment whenever anything goes wrong between us.

aibu? To feel hurt? I’ve spoken to day about it and he’s refusing to apologise because he says it’s all true.

Im sat on a sunbed worrying about going home. I can’t talk to 50% of the population without him getting jealous. And now I feel shit again about my patches. I’ve felt so so much better on them.

Hurt? I think I'd be beyond hurt. If my husband called me a fucking bitch I think I'd be hard pressed not to chuck him off the balcony.

He's horrible and abusive OP. How would you feel if a man was treating your daughter like this?

Ditch the prick. He's a nasty, manipulative abuser who gets a kick out of making people feel small and worried. I don't know how you would find him remotely attractive in any way. Think about if you really want to feel this way for the rest of your life because it's not going to improve.

Oh and he's not a "DH" that's for sure.

I'd be making plans if I were you. So many horrible men on these threads - it's heartbreaking.

What's your financial situation, OP?

Thank you all.

I woke feeling really awful, just sad and worthless.

my dd and I went to the gym again before breakfast. Left him and other dc in bed.

he also told me last night I’m an embarrassment when I’ve had a glass of wine and if I want a future I need to stop drinking wine!!!! I love a glass of wine with dinner. Never over drink and never get ‘drunk’.

we went for lunch today and I’ve been enjoying a glass of wine each day at lunch. Today I didn’t. I felt crushed inside. Not because of the wine. But because of his smirk as he drank his beer.

just feel empty

we went for lunch today and I’ve been enjoying a glass of wine each day at lunch. Today I didn’t. I felt crushed inside. Not because of the wine. But because of his smirk as he drank his beer.

He's smirking because he's winning. The absolute wanker. Drink the fucking wine.

I'm so angry on your behalf.

You've been "enjoying" the wine and you're not allowed to enjoy anything, you must be kept down, no HRT, no running, no joy for you!

And he's smirking because it's working and he can sit back and enjoy his beer and your misery.

EVERY behaviour you stated on here is abusive. He is abusive. You are being emotionally abused.

Fuck him with a sandpapered horse cock. How dare he? He's ground you right down. He sees your relationship as adversarial and defeating you makes him happy. He doesn't love you. He doesn't know what love is.

You're not empty but he wants you to think you are. That you are nothing without him and his abuse.

I bet that once you're free of him, you'll discover just how much of you there is.

He's exerting his control.

He wants to make you feel unattractive re the running and weight comment. He's trying to convince you of flaws in you that don't exist to belittle you and make you feel less than. He's trying to stop you talking to other men.

Textbook controlling tactics.

Yuck. He sounds vile. I don’t think it’s drinking wine that will effect your future, it’ll be staying with such an awful prick of a man.

God your DH sounds just like my friends abusive other half.

Get away from him. I hope his vile behaviour doesn't rub off on your kids abusing you too as this has happened to my friend. All of her family, kids included , are now vile to her. She's a shadow of the person she was before she met her abuser.

To be told I’m an embarrassment is awful.

im a really jolly happy person outwardly. I engage in conversation with everyone I meet. I love hearing people’s stories etc. I love meeting people and chatting. I think him telling me I was an embarrassment in public was to stop me talking to others. I already feel worried he’s going to be upset if I speak to a man.
now I’m an embarrassment!

when we are out and see people we know, if I was to speak to the male in the couple, Dh would then sulk and refuse to converse. Then he tells me I am rude for putting him in that position.

I feel so trapped

Read this, OP. And then read it again.

That's what he wants you to feel.

But you aren't. He's just worn you down so that you feel you are.

You are not trapped, leave him. You will get half of your joint assets including his pension.

Get rid and tell him you've been having an affair with a bloke from the gym.

I found a great cure for such a twat. It's called divorce.. Best decision ever. I hope your dd's didn't accept your apology.. You aren't wrong....

OP, if you stay it will get worse. How old is your DD? Do you want her to grow up thinking this is what a healthy, loving relationship looks like? Contact Womens Aid or Refuge, both have helplines where you can speak to people who have experience supporting women in your position. He doesn't have to hit you to be a domestic abuser, look up coercive control. You are having to modify your behaviour and stop doing things you enjoy to appease him, he calls tly names, he accuses you of things you haven't done. It is abuse, and he's not going to change.

OP - been there, done that, got the tshirt. Different situations but similar abuse. Doubting yourself and not knowing which why is up, because the person you know you are is not the person you’re being told you are. In my case being told I was very negative when I felt I was very positive, amongst reams of other stuff. Consider your option IMO, and think about the example this is setting for your children (that was the final straw for me). 18 years together for me, he was always like this but a) I couldn’t see it and b) it got worse and I was like a frog being gradually boiled. Good luck.

He’s controlling and abusive. This is him not you. You deserve to be happy. Find your hair and stop caring about your husband.

Oh, and even if it doesn’t fit what the websites say abuse is (I googled lots of times before leaving, and it took me ages to be sure in myself that it had been abusive), the examples aren’t quite right or whatever or you think you’re both as bad as each other… try not to doubt yourself. All the best, and happy to chat on pm.

@Rockitlikearedhead - This is a great analogy. A frog being slowly boiled. Spot on!

I too am told I’m negative. Whereas everyone else says I’m positive and a breath of fresh air to be around. He said I’m difficult to get on with. However I have so so many friends who say otherwise.

it’s exhausting

@Bananaandmarmite but you are not an embarrassment op, you're not a flirt, or an alcoholic or a hormonal nightmare- but that's what he wants you to think you are.

You are also not trapped- you are free to leave and be yourself and enjoy your life as you deserve x

it’s exhausting

You don't have to stay with people who make you miserable.