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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 29/08/2023 12:54

TheaBrandt · 29/08/2023 12:20

Golden bear sounds like you thought you were still in the “run off and play children” zone while parents drink wine but actually when kids older and teens it’s far better to go as your own family and hang out with them not the other adults.

We had some brilliant meals out as a 4 chatting away. The thought of having other peoples snotty primary aged kids around on my holiday with teens who are out of that age fills me with horror frankly.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. In the end I was pretty embarrassed by my own behaviour as I wanted to be the other end of the table for meals and at one point asked them to go an see their Mum lmk Dad for a bit as i was enjoying a drink of wine with DH.

The meals you had sound live heaven. There was one point at the end in the last restaurant out that the waiter said they could only accommodate a party of 4 and 5 separately, tables nowhere near each other and sorry to say, even my DH bit the hand off for the opportunity of not entertaining at the dinner table for once.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 29/08/2023 12:55

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:55

Funnily enough, DS who was the difficult one, is hurt at being turfed out like that as he feels victimised. DD is relieved to be back home!

Show quote history

This is very telling.

so DD - whose behaviour the GP weren’t objecting to - is also relieved to be home?

sounds as if there were used as babysitters. And then punished for speaking out (the dinner issue) and sent to bed early (at 20:40!!).

I wouldn’t send DC alone again.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/08/2023 12:55

DataColour · 29/08/2023 11:18

When they said they were going into eat, he was told to sit back down again and they ate without him, but he did eat dinner eventually after they had finished.

That would be the absolute end for me - using meals as a punishment is not on.

JSmithIloveyou · 29/08/2023 12:57

Looks like the Grandparents were using your kids as baby sisters for the five year old.. making them play with their cousin all the time.. and when they got fed up and tired complained and Grandparents didn't like it.
I'm a Grandparent on my own and stay over at my daughters to watch / stay with 3 teenage ASD boys which l find easy to be honest.. but if their cousin is there ( much younger) it does become harder because the little one wants to join in with the older ones.
The Grandparents are definitely in the wrong.. and worse to not feed your son his dinner is neglect .

thebiggestsaleever · 29/08/2023 12:58

Totally sympahise with your DC, we have a similar scenario in our family where teens expected to play constantly with my DN who is 8 and it causes huge drama with SIL when they don't want to.

UnctuousUnicorns · 29/08/2023 12:58

When my youngest was five, her older siblings were fourteen and fifteen, of course they wanted fuck all to do with her, I wouldn't have expected it any other way. Now she (the youngest) is fourteen herself, they chat away, watch films, play games etc. together. But no, not at five!

Anyport · 29/08/2023 13:01

Your in-laws invited a 5 year old and two teens into their house at the same time. The onus is on your in-laws to keep the children occupied, not rely on your two as unpaid baby sitters. Your in-laws are CFs and they are out of order.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/08/2023 13:02

@Puffypuffin - goodness, my jaw just dropped at your MIL's behaviour towards your DS. Outrageous! I was brought up in a "children should be seen and not heard" family, but my Victorian era grandmother was nonetheless kind and much appreciated our doing things like that for her when we were teens.

Newusernaming · 29/08/2023 13:09

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

Your son did nothing wrong. In laws overreacted. Your kids were not there to entertain granparents and dance to their tunes. It's nice to play with little cousin, but they also wanted good time for themselves.

If I was treated with such punishment as no dinner for saying I cant play non stop, I would never want to go back or at least will have resentment for a long time.

Newusernaming · 29/08/2023 13:11

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 29/08/2023 10:37

Two teenagers are never going to be best friends with a 5 year old, so, whatever anyone would like to happen, expecting it to is unrealistic. Especially if the 5 year old is more like a toddler (presume there are some SN involved?)

That said, it does sound as though the boy was behaving pretty badly towards his grandparents.

Also very possible that having 3 kids staying is a bit much. I'm not a grandparent but wouldn't want it tbh.

So, 6 of one and half a dozen of the other really.

How do we know he was behaving badly towards granparents when it is clear there is something wrong with granparents to deny him his dinner, the basic human right. They sound controlling and such people get offended on the smallest mistakes.

Riapia · 29/08/2023 13:13

What on earth made you send them to stay with a MIL.
They’re known throughout MN to be evil. Don’t you take notice of what you read on MN.
You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

LlynTegid · 29/08/2023 13:13

I'm with the grandparents on this, much as it is embarrassing for you and inconvenient.

Newusernaming · 29/08/2023 13:14

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2023 10:52

Are they glad to be back or are they upset to have been kicked out? Either way, the GP were unreasonable for the expectation of babysitting and for flipping their lid at an overheard grumble.

True and for banning him from dinner.

2weekstowait · 29/08/2023 13:15

If all they were doing was hanging around the house and being expected to play with a 5 year old all day, then I'm on the side of your children. If they were being taken out to do nice things and your son was just being really grumpy, then that's a different story.

My son is a similar age and he doesn't like visiting family much. It's a weird sort of age, between a child and a confident older teenager. They can be quite self conscious at 13/14 and don't want to play anymore yet find it harder to relate to adults they don't see frequently. A lot of the time, adults don't really know what to talk about to him either. My older son was exactly the same at that age but totally different now and loves seeing family.

I don't think teenagers should be responsible for the contentment of a five year old, and the grandparents should have made it their job to entertain her, with periods when they can ask your children to 'babysit'.

I suspect they were not expecting the age-related changes in your children and consequently having to step up for five year old, so didn't expect the trip to turn out the way it did.

Newusernaming · 29/08/2023 13:16

LlynTegid · 29/08/2023 13:13

I'm with the grandparents on this, much as it is embarrassing for you and inconvenient.

For banning a kid from dinner for telling mum how tired he is from all the playing. Sounds like we are in North Korea

CoreopsisEverywhere · 29/08/2023 13:16

I wouldn’t let them go to the grandparents again. The using meals as a punishment is unforgivable imo.

Goldenbear · 29/08/2023 13:18

LlynTegid · 29/08/2023 13:13

I'm with the grandparents on this, much as it is embarrassing for you and inconvenient.

How the heck did you come to that conclusion?

FlamingMadKatie · 29/08/2023 13:23

She sounds dreadful, she's been very unkind. I think she forgot she was supposed to be an adult. I suppose when your kids don't want to see her, with good reason, she'll take offence and moan about that too.

saffronsoup · 29/08/2023 13:23

I think grandparents just got overwhelmed with 3 grandkids there. It is a lot and turns life a bit upside down.

Spottywombat · 29/08/2023 13:30

I have adhd and I wouldn't be able to cope with that and I'm in my 50's.

DS may be suffering a bit of rejection sensitivity. Definitely sit them down and work it all through, as one of the issues with ND is not knowing where the line is and you end up feeling blamed, when sometimes it really is the other people's issues.

Spottywombat · 29/08/2023 13:31

I'm slowly learning where my lines are and also when to take a break. Problem with being DC is that you have little control, especially away from home.

Crinklecutting · 29/08/2023 13:31

That was never going to work, the age gap is far too big. My girls like spending time with the cousins their own age but too much older and younger and the dynamic doesn’t work.

My mother is like this, wants all her grandchildren together but then it rarely works out as 2 are close in age but the other 4 very spread out

InSpainTheRain · 29/08/2023 13:35

It sounds like the grandparents can't cope with the 3 at once and expect the older two to look after the younger one, which isn't on. I also wonder if the GPs are used to teenagers, perhaps not. In this case though it's totally unreasonable to send them home early I think that's a nasty thing to do. The only thing that could warrant that is very nasty behaviour from them, pinching something etc. I wouldn't be sending the DC by themselves again if this is what your MIL is like.

saffronsoup · 29/08/2023 13:37

Needing to keep kids fed, happy, entertained, and getting along is a lot of work. I find a lot of older relatives want the kids but then find them exhausting and overwhelming. Small doses is better.

ohdamnitjanet · 29/08/2023 13:39

I feel very indignant on your dc’s behalf! They earwigged on a private conversation and didn’t like being called out on their own shitty behaviour. I don’t imagine your dc’s will want to go again. I hope the five yr old ran them ABSOLUTELY ragged when the free childcare escaped from Colditz