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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

306 replies

DataColour · 29/08/2023 10:29

I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

OP posts:
AnaNimmity · 29/08/2023 16:15

ChaToilLeam · 29/08/2023 10:44

Not excusing teenage petulant behaviour if that was the case, but were the GP using your kids as babysitters for the little one? If they were expected to do that the whole time without a break I think it could have become pretty wearing.

This

ImABox · 29/08/2023 16:21

@DataColour if your DH wants to go NC for a while, then yoi follow suit and do the same and support hi: in that, don’t try to keep contact going. I’ve done that and it was the wrong thing and I should have supported my DH in going NC when he said not trying to keep contact there

fortheloveofflowers · 29/08/2023 16:23

I feel so sorry for your children. That’s 2 very full on days. They handled it better than I would have done and I’m an adult!

They sound very tolerate and lovely kids tbh.

Canisaysomething · 29/08/2023 16:25

They've used your DC for free child care and had a tantrum when your DC complained about it. Awful behaviour from the in-laws.

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 16:26

Your husband knows his parents best. It was your idea to send the kids to the GPs and it was a bad one. Hopefully you’ll respect his decision to stay out of their way. If you try to mend the relationship it won’t end well and there will be no benefit for your children. Your MIL is who she is, she won’t become a kind, loving grandmother whatever you do.

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 16:27

ImABox · 29/08/2023 16:21

@DataColour if your DH wants to go NC for a while, then yoi follow suit and do the same and support hi: in that, don’t try to keep contact going. I’ve done that and it was the wrong thing and I should have supported my DH in going NC when he said not trying to keep contact there

That’s what I was trying to say, but you said it better!

Melroses · 29/08/2023 16:28

Commiserations.

We went through something similar only at a younger age. It is unrealistic to expect older children to entertain younger ones for long periods of time when they do not have an every day sort of relationship. They also need a bit of space and down time.

Ours snapped when they were trying to chill out in front of a DVD and the younger one bounced around in front of it at the wrong moment. Diplomatic relations were never the same.

If your DS had been able to go along with what they had wanted for the whole of the 4 days, I doubt he would have ever have wanted to go back ever again anyway.

BathingBeauty · 29/08/2023 16:32

I hated being a teenager and therefore categorised as a ‘child’ and should be happy to play with other children, often very young. It’s nice to do it for a bit but adults need to realise there’s a massive development difference. It’s the teenagers holiday too.

PoshPineapple · 29/08/2023 16:35

What were they doing letting a 5 year old stay up until 10pm anyway?! Sounds like your DCs were a very convenient babysitting service. I'd be furious with them to be honest, they sound little more than kids themselves.

Poivresel · 29/08/2023 16:41

I remember my aunty talking about me very unfavourably. I was in another room and she was deliberately talking loudly so I would hear her.
She hated me and I hated her.
My poor younger dsis was the favourite and got taken on holiday with aunt and uncle which she hated.
I stayed with my old Gran after that and we adored each other.
The 5 year old has got years of having to be with old and unreasonable gp’s. I pity her.

MeridianB · 29/08/2023 16:48

I agree with supporting DH on an NC decision in the case. It's key to protecting DH and the DC. It sounds like his brother is part of the problem, too.

fivelilducks · 29/08/2023 16:51

I honestly don't see what the teenagers have done wrong and why on earth they were told off

fizzypop100 · 29/08/2023 16:56

Teenager did nothing wrong. My own DS couldn't stand that all day long

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/08/2023 16:57

DataColour · 29/08/2023 13:57

The inlaws wanted my DCs to go down to them, as they've never had a holiday with just them. And as they hadn't seen cousin for awhile, it was suggested by me and also SIL that we try and get the kids together for some of that time. I thought SIL was going to be there too, it would have calmed things down a bit.

Again a bit of a drip feed here. BIL (DH's younger brother) visited on the last day. He, being in his early 30s gets on well with DS and they are into the same things, computor games etc . DH asked him to take DS out on his own to the pub or something to diffuse the situation and have some time together, but no, BIL took his mums' side (he always always does this, he totally adores his mum, she can do no wrong), when DS still wouldn't apologise. The whole thing is a mess and DH has fallen out with all his family now, except for SIL, but she's not totally on his side either as she had free childcare for the long weekend and she will continue to get free child care every now and then so wouldn't want to rock the boat.

So after huffing and deciding to turf your DC out, and banning him from eating with them - your MIL and FIL sit down and discuss him in a very mean way in his hearing, saying far worse things than asking someone for a break.. Yet they didn't see the irony in that?

And then he had BIL butting in and telling him off too.

I feel really sorry for your DS. Its the injustice of it. The fact that he endured it "stoney faced" indicates that he kept his temper, unlike PILS.
They sound very unkind. And he must be feeling unloved since he was the one in the firing line.
I'm guessing your poor DS is also worrying about what they will say about him to others. After all that effort he put in to playing with your DN too. I hope you make it clear to SIL what went on and let DS know you've stood up for him too.
I'd also be a bit wary of telling him you are all going LC or NC with the PILS in future as he might feel he is to blame, perhaps just let him know they won't be allowed to treat him like that again.

Sugarfree23 · 29/08/2023 16:58

The 5 year old has got years of having to be with old and unreasonable gp’s. I pity her

Nah the 5yo is the daughters child, she'll never do wrong. She has them wrapped around her wee finger, they let her stay up to 10pm while the teens were sent to bed. Even when the tables turn and she's the teen and its the current childless BIL who has the 5yo. She'll still be the golden child.

Op the ILs have made their bed they can lie in it.

Duckingella · 29/08/2023 17:02

Probably a good job the in laws live so far away as your MIL is a bitch.

She used two teenagers as a babysitter and wouldn't feed one of them because they dared to stand up for themselves and say they were rightly unhappy with the situation.

We certainly know who the favourite grandchild is then;I'm betting your SIL is the MIL's daughter and not her DIL?

Rachie1973 · 29/08/2023 17:09

Donotshushme · 29/08/2023 11:16

I would never, ever punish a child by withholding food. That's abusive as fuck and my children wouldn't be staying there again.

Stood out to me as well

UnctuousUnicorns · 29/08/2023 17:10

DataColour · 29/08/2023 15:36

Yes, I think so, no more holidays down there for the kids, alone at least.

They like grandparenting during the good bits, taking them out for meals etc but can't seem to handle the day to day.

But you can never tell them, or give any tips or advice regarding the kids, as we always get told "We have brought up 3 children you know".

I have three children, now aged 24, 23 and 14. None of them had ever stayed overnight with grandparents without DH and myself being present, until our youngest was 12. And by grandparents I mean my own parents, because DH's parents never once babysat for the elder two (they were both dead by the time our youngest was born). Not for five minutes, they never offered; that was all on my parents, who would babysit for an evening so DH and I could go out for a meal.

We had one child free overnight in twenty years; the idea of having several child free days to ourselves was unthinkable. It's only in the last year or two, since our youngest turned twelve, with our second still living at home, that DH and I have been able to get away by ourselves for the odd weekend.

How different other people's experiences seem to me. I'm trying not to be bitter, I suppose it is what it is. 🤷‍♀️

Crinklecutting · 29/08/2023 17:13

In the same way it can be difficult for us parents to adjust to small children coming into their teens, grandparents also have to do the same. They can find that a difficult adjustment, particularly when the grandchildren start to have their own opinions! Sounds like your MIL is not taking that adjustment as well. I’d also be fuming OP

Annasoror · 29/08/2023 17:18

Honestly, if an adult posted on here about being exploited into looking after someone else's 5-year-old who was allowed to stay up until 10pm, people would be calling your MiL a CF and urging you to stay well away. She was incredibly manipulative and unkind when called out on it.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2023 17:19

So unfair on your dc. I well remember escaping from my younger cousins at that age, I refused to be default babysitter, I wasn’t interested in entertaining youngsters.

Spywoman · 29/08/2023 17:34

DataColour · 29/08/2023 13:57

The inlaws wanted my DCs to go down to them, as they've never had a holiday with just them. And as they hadn't seen cousin for awhile, it was suggested by me and also SIL that we try and get the kids together for some of that time. I thought SIL was going to be there too, it would have calmed things down a bit.

Again a bit of a drip feed here. BIL (DH's younger brother) visited on the last day. He, being in his early 30s gets on well with DS and they are into the same things, computor games etc . DH asked him to take DS out on his own to the pub or something to diffuse the situation and have some time together, but no, BIL took his mums' side (he always always does this, he totally adores his mum, she can do no wrong), when DS still wouldn't apologise. The whole thing is a mess and DH has fallen out with all his family now, except for SIL, but she's not totally on his side either as she had free childcare for the long weekend and she will continue to get free child care every now and then so wouldn't want to rock the boat.

I think it was a bit silly for you to suggest that they have the young cousin there. Especially as SiL has used them for childcare before. If you were going to go along with this, you should have been clear that it wouldn't be for more than a day. I'm sure it would have been much better all round for your children to have some dedicated time with your in-laws where they could have done age-appropriate activities.

It's really hard to mix up small children and teenagers and it tends to end up with the younger child being prioritised because they are just not able to do teen/tween type activities. Young children are just full on.

Having said all that your in-laws should have dealt with the situation much better. I think it's probably because they spend more time with the other child. My in-laws prioritised my BiL and SiL's children and were always going on about their activities and achievements while not really being interested in my children's. I think it had a lot to do with us living further away so they had more ownership of the other GC.

I feel for your DH most though. It's horrible that everyone is ganging up against him and I'm guessing it's not the first time!

Pallisers · 29/08/2023 17:54

I really wouldn't be bothered with MIL and FIL much in the future.

notlucreziaborgia · 29/08/2023 18:18

Honestly I think the teenagers did amazingly by sticking it out as long as they did. I’d have lasted about half hour. If that.

PollyPut · 29/08/2023 22:35

@DataColour it sounds like those days were very long for your children. I would guess they were too tired and possibly not being fed regularly enough. I can see why DS was honest with you.

Many GP of children that age would struggle to look after 3 GC well for so many days. Often they get tired. It sounds like 4 days was just too much for the GP here.