Visit to grandparents cut short due to teenage behaviour

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I'm fully prepared to be told that AIBU, just want to gauge how others would have taken this.
DS14 and DD13 went down to see the in-laws for 4 days over the bank holiday period. About 4hrs on the train, plus cycling on our side and car ride on their side, so a considerable distance. 5yr old cousin who lives much closer to the in-laws was also visiting. They love seeing their cousin and playing with her, but from past experience can be pretty full on like toddlers are, excited to see their only cousins etc. After a couple of days of relentless playing (7am-10pm) DS and DD phones me, DD saying she is missing me, she gets emotional when tired, and DS saying he is not allowed a break from the playing. MIL overhears this and snaps at DS, bans him from dinner, further telling off etc etc, and ultimately they were sent home the next day as they had had enough of his moody, petulant, stone faced demeanour and refusal to apologise for saying telling us he needed a break. They were meant to come back the day after, instead they were taken to the station and dropped off, they came home at 9pm last night. Is this reasonable? I am totally on board with telling off for bad behaviour and feel that it's up to the grandparents to do that if necessary, DS can be like this sometimes, but in this instance, couldn't they have suck it up for a few more hours and sent them home the next day as planned? This is the first time ever that they have gone down without us, and according to the in-laws won't be happening again. Feeling sad for the kids mainly.
It's not the chastising I don't approve of, it's the way they were sent away abruptly.

Wait, DH's brother was at the dinner where your DS was told to he couldn't eat with them? And backed his mum?

What a bunch of a**holes your DH's family are! No loss to go NC with the lot of them.

Then get ready for the "what's everyone doing on Boxing Day?" family WhatsApp messages....hope both the kids are "studying", i.e. sneaking a small Baileys while watching Netflix at home, nowhere near grandparents'.

In all honesty, I’m surprised your ds was upset to get out of the situation early. It sounds as though your PILs were pretty useless from the start - sending the teens to bed early while the 5-year old stays up is ridiculous and actually quite offensive. They might as well have said openly to your dd and ds that they don’t actually like their company and were using the irritating 5-year old as a buffer in order to avoid having to interact with them. I would definitely be angry with the PILs to have behaved in a spectacularly more flouncy way than a teenager who doesn’t think he has anything to apologise for.

I would be absolutely livid if my children's grandparents treated them this way.

They wouldn't be back. Ever.

As the parent of a 14 year old with ADHD, your PIL got off very lightly if that's the worst they have to complain about.

They basically used your children as unpaid baby sitters which is massively unfair of them. On what planet is mixing a 13 and 14 year old with a 5 year old ever going to work?

My sister and I were much the oldest of a vast number of cousins and after being used as babysitters/cleaners for a number of holidays by one set of GPs and various aunts and uncles, there was lots of surprise when we refused to go on any visits or "holidays" that were more than a couple of hours.

Haven't seen any of them since a family wedding over a decade ago.

Your PIL were wrong to treat your children the way they were treated, but you and their dad were even worse to send them to a place you know they’re treated badly in the first place. How could you do that, knowing how they’ve acted towards your kids in the past?

I would be fuming if I were you. Your children are not toys. As for your sil and mum to the little cousin, she is as much to blame as she allowed her child to monopolise the visit rather than just for a day or even an afternoon. She also bulldozed your children’s boundaries.

I totally agree with your dh going nc for a while. In fact, I would refuse to engage until they apologise, however long that takes. They’ve treated your children appallingly, especially your ds, who you say is aggrieved. It will do wonders for his self esteem to know that you 100% have his back.

The most you’ll get is likely a ‘sorry if’ and that will take time (been there myself). But I would stick to your guns and I would not write a passive aggressive letter thanking them for the visit. They either will use it as ammunition or will find themselves justified.

We had a teen cousin visit for a few years between the ages of 13 and 16. She stayed for 2-3 weeks each time (to improve her English). She was really good at entertaining dd but needed lots of breaks and down time. It worked because everyone respected each others boundaries… or at least I made dd respect hers. I know she enjoyed it here as she came back! And we also organised for her to hang with a neighbour’s dd of the same age and they got on well.

Let your dcs vote with their feet. This trip has cost them a lot in resources and you’ve basically paid for them to have a rubbish time. On the plus side, your dcs have had a glimpse of what it is to be a parent so hopefully won’t go there anytime soon.

Your poor children!! They were there to be used as free babysitting and entertainment for their 5 year old cousin!! On what planet could your PILs be living if they really imagined two teenagers willingly wanting to do that for any length of time?

Then humiliating DS over dinner because he had dared to be truthful - what??? Horrendous people!

I'd tell PILs exactly how badly they behaved, how badly off their expectations were/are and that they wouldn't be seeing me or the children again for a very, very long time (and not to bother trying to invite for any reason either).

Don't put up with this bullshit, and don't try to nudge your children into trying to maintain any kind of relationship either. There would be nothing worthwhile in it for them.

Personally I would encourage DH to see this as a watershed moment; he's rightfully angry, so there's an opportunity here to see this as the culmination of a lifetime of toxicity and draw a line under it once and for all. These people are not a healthy or positive influence in your children's lives, so they shouldn't be in them. MIL has pretty much driven a coach and horses through any relationship she may have had with your DS, anyway. He'll never trust her again.

The stupidity of grandparents like this astounds me. My MIL has no relationship with DS2 now, because she treated him as second best (he isn't as academic as DS1, which to her is everything). So as soon as he was old enough he voted with his feet, and we have backed him up, because he's absolutely right. She doesn't deserve him.

You and SIL were partly to blame by foisting all the children on the inlaws at the same time. That should never have been suggested. It sounds as though the inlaws would have just had your 2 if you and SIL hadn't suggested little cousin joins the household. You say you didn't know SI L wouldn't be there but it doesn't sound as though you asked. The inlaws maybe felt they had never wanted a house full of kids that was you and SIL's idea and SIL maybe said your children would do all the childminding. The only people who are blameless here are the 2 teenagers

That's awful I would not send them ever again and I'd definitely have some words with the in laws

@LlynTegid Still waiting to see why you are with the grandparents on this one.

Presumably the in-laws were aware of the situation and if they weren't happy with it, they could have said that? It sounds more like they thought that they were in for an easy weekend having a couple of teenagers to entertain the 5 year old for them.

This.

The teenagers are not child minders.

That 'playing with the 5 year old' isn't playing - its full on childcare. And thats wearing for adults.

The teenagers have been used by the grandparents - and I'd firmly be pissed off with the adults for creating the situation and not managing it and then blaming the kids for not being able to cope with it

Your poor children. I would be taking their side. In my opinion it is ridiculous to expect teenagers to play with a five year old.

Your MIL would think it awful if you banned her from a family meal, its incredibly unkind and we don't behave like that to other people, not anyone invited into our homes to stay for any reason.

I would pull MIL up on this behaviour, its not acceptable and if you want to punish a child for their behaviour you do so in a way that is going to get a message across not alienate them that they never want to return.

As a grandmother she is destroying her relationship with her grandchildren and hopefully she can find it within herself as the adult to try to mend bridges and apologise sincerely without excuse.

Your poor children.

Truly shocking treatment.

Your poor son overhearing himself being discussed like that.

He will have no doubt internalised that.

Find your loyalty to your children and your anger.

They have form for poor behaviour?

You shouldn't have sent them.

I would be done.

Sounds like the grandparents are at fault for a few reasons - using teens as a babysitter for a young child (not many teens want to hang out with a little kid, so normal behaviour from them), they are expecting your teens to basically not be teens who need time to be alone/disconnect and are naturally a bit moody (normal behaviour for a lot of teens), losing their shit over something that they overheard in a private call (would they prefer to have grandchildren who don't talk openly and honestly with their parents?) and finally for the massive overreaction of sending them home for an honest comment.

No more holidays there.

Yes, I think so, no more holidays down there for the kids, alone at least.

They like grandparenting during the good bits, taking them out for meals etc but can't seem to handle the day to day.

But you can never tell them, or give any tips or advice regarding the kids, as we always get told "We have brought up 3 children you know".

OP, I totally get why your son is a shocked but please assure him this has brought many positives:

1. The alternative to coming home would have been staying there (presumably with more sanctions and punishments the next day). They avoided that.
2. He hopefully got fed that night
3. It was the push you needed to let go of the notion of happy family and will no longer insist/instigate contact with "Dear"GP. The ball is in your kids court. In time, they can have as much or as little contact as they wish. It doesn't have to be no contact. It's fine to be cordial and see each other at weddings and funerals and the occasional WhatsApp message.
4. This will not happen again.

See, it's full of positives. That would be my approach, unless you think he's taken it to heart and might change some unwanted behaviour as a result. In that case, keep the list to yourself and add the unexpected positive of his reflection to the list. :)

"DH is utterly furious at his parents - mostly his mum and also his dad who went along with everything. Their relationship was already strained as there was a previous thing whether they came up to look after the kids so we can have a weekend off, and they left early and didn't tell us they were going,..."

"I think now DH will be NC with his parents for this for quite a while. It was me who was instigating contact with them. He spoke to his father yesterday and said how unreasonable they were."

Would I be right in thinking that had you not instigated contact, your husband would already have been No Contact with his parents? The reason I'm asking is that this would not be the first thread (very far from it!) where one member of the couple has a poor relationship with their parents, and their spouse (believing that a little communication will sort it all out) has taken it upon themselves to jolly everyone into contact. (It usually ends badly.) Best thing you can do now is fully back your husband, let him know you absolutely agree with him going NC, permanently if that is his wish, and maybe apologise for instigating contact ('I should have known you wouldn't have dropped contact lightly blah blah'). Basically, fuck the PILs and focus your care and attention on your husband and children.

Personally I wouldn't care if I never saw his parents again.

Really feel for you as I love our little neice/nephew but they are so full on with our older teens (mainly because they love them so much which is sweet). But they don’t get a break, want to wake the teens up early, play constantly, watch age appropriate tv together and the teens get very little break (or one on one time with their own grandparents).

for what it’s worth I think your parents should have handled the situation better to make sure everyone’s needs were taken into account.

I agree that a 5 year old and two teenagers is not a compatible group!!!! Silly to assume they would be Bessie mates. Also silly for the grandparents to have 3 kids at once!!! Their grandparents sound miserable tbh

I feel really sorry for your son. His grandparents have behaved appallingly. Really unfair to expect teenagers to do all the babysitting. They sound incredibly generous and sweet-natured to have done as much as they did.

But thats the priveledge of being a grandparent - do the nice fun bits but not the daily grind. You mention DS is havibg assessments done, so I assume he isnt super easy going and probably v hard work to have 2 teenagers and an over- excited 5 year old in the house to look after.
It sounds like they really messed up with poor DS.
But... rather than going NC as if its a punishment, can dh explain to them that ds is still just a kid, but is that age where he wants to be treated as an adult but not able to always behave like one - really needs time to himself which can make him moody "probably like I was at that age". Maybe stick to shorter visits with everyone there. If they wont listen then maybe steering clear is a good choice.