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Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
givemeasunnyday · 30/08/2023 20:47

A million isn’t the life changing amount that it used to be.

Comments like this make me wonder if some people actually live in the real world.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2023 20:59

Agree @givemeasunnyday a million £££ would absolutely change mine and DH's lives. 100%. And I would take great pleasure in paying off my DD's uni debt, and her and her DH's husband's mortgage. And instantly retiring!

BIossomtoes · 30/08/2023 21:04

givemeasunnyday · 30/08/2023 20:47

A million isn’t the life changing amount that it used to be.

Comments like this make me wonder if some people actually live in the real world.

I can’t imagine anyone whose life wouldn’t be changed by it. That’s beyond ridiculous.

pollymere · 30/08/2023 21:20

I guess it could be to avoid Inheritance Tax and other taxes. We always refused money towards buying a house. In later years, we've just gone with it and enjoyed the money. Mine are good at envelopes full of fifty pound notes 😂🤦‍♀️

If you feel it is freely given, buy a nice house with it. These days it really won't go far if you include running the house.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/08/2023 21:36

givemeasunnyday · 30/08/2023 20:47

A million isn’t the life changing amount that it used to be.

Comments like this make me wonder if some people actually live in the real world.

I agree.

How is being mortgage free, with a massive financial cushion that you didn't need to work for, not life changing?

Most people pay rent/mortgage for most of their working lives. Freedom from that is the most enormous privilege.

SophieIsHereToday · 30/08/2023 21:39

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

I think I get it.

You value building something for your self? Perhaps take pride in the fact you earned what you have. Our culture values self sufficiency.

By gifting this, they take some of your autonomy. And buy the right to be a little bit superior and tell you how they think you should live. Making you feel like you can never be their equals.

They get to feel good about themselves for providing. But you don't get the same sense of having achieved something as they do. Which can feel infantilising and belittling.

Of course a life of leisure is a dream but also a curse if you haven't achieved it

Could your partners struggles with mental health also be due to the fact he feels a bit swamped and "not good enough"?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/08/2023 21:41

my husband and I struggle on with our mortgage and the cost of living (sibling was given a house worth £500k so is mortgage free)... My parents could easily afford to pay off our mortgage... it would make such a difference to our lives. Meanwhile they complain they have too much money and it’s a burden to them.

I think this is appalling behaviour tbh, and would find it very hard to forgive. Not just the crass and insensitive complaining about having more money than they know what to do with, while you struggle, but the blatant favouritism.

I guess money doesn't make someone a good parent.

SophieIsHereToday · 30/08/2023 21:45

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 09:17

Even this is a helpful comment. I did not come from wealth. I am incredibly grateful for the situation I have landed in. One of the reasons I posted was to see if people just think I should shut up and count my blessings.

Show quote history

I understand your feelings and think they are valid.

I would say think about how you might use it to build something. Can it support you or your husband in taking a risky decision which could be fulfilling? Have you ever dreamed of starting your own business but couldn't?

Your chains have been released to some extent. Can you use it to do something you would be very proud of?

I think that's what a very large gift does. It removes your chance to be proud of a professional job with an ok income because it's a small splash in comparison to the gift. Try to separate those in your mind. Still be proud of what you do, really nothing has changed with regards to your "value"

RingInTheNew · 30/08/2023 22:11

To those saying ‘my heart bleeds’, etc: I think this kind of post should quite clearly demonstrate that having a lot of money does not equal happiness - wealthy people have problems too, including mental health issues, so it’s a good lesson that thinking a million pounds would solve all your problems is a mistake.

Holidaystress11 · 30/08/2023 22:14

I do understand but I think I would grin and bear it. More than happy to take it off your hands and buy a house though if that makes things easier for you....🤣

Holidaystress11 · 30/08/2023 22:16

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist Maybe they want you to ask them to pay it off for you.... did sibling ask them or was it offered?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/08/2023 22:21

Holidaystress11 · 30/08/2023 22:16

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist Maybe they want you to ask them to pay it off for you.... did sibling ask them or was it offered?

I don't have parents who could pay off my mortgage, my parents are skint! I was quoting a PP.

DojaPhat · 30/08/2023 22:23

Read the OP a few times and I can't see the AIBU. You're feeling uneasy that your husband who's struggled with job stability and mental health problems apparently has a huge safety net? Confused

Brainfogmcfogface · 30/08/2023 22:48

looks at bank account with literally £0.30
yabvu I know my situation has no baring on yours etc etc but just consider how you’d feel if you were in a similar situation, and for whatever reason lost your income, knowing you have such generous in laws and a safety net like that is an absolute dream! Let em say what they want..

caringcarer · 30/08/2023 23:26

Well put a big chunk of it into a pension for DH. That should shut them up.

WhoPutCrabsticksInMyBedroom · 30/08/2023 23:35

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/08/2023 09:07

Oh I just knew there would be a read the room comment already! 😀

I know, I wish they would bloody read the room. This forum shouldn't be a race to the bottom and whatever problem or topic should be allowed to be discussed.

Although I do agree with pp, of all the things that could be punishment for a million quid, sapping up to the inlaws does seem an easy ride.

Riv · 30/08/2023 23:54

But YOU do have a pension. It’s just your husband who doesn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

SylvieB74 · 31/08/2023 00:41

What shampoo do you use 🤔

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 31/08/2023 00:45

SylvieB74 · 31/08/2023 00:41

What shampoo do you use 🤔

I wanna know this too!!! Bet it's not supermarket own brand!

givemeasunnyday · 31/08/2023 02:16

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2023 20:59

Agree @givemeasunnyday a million £££ would absolutely change mine and DH's lives. 100%. And I would take great pleasure in paying off my DD's uni debt, and her and her DH's husband's mortgage. And instantly retiring!

Exactly. It would buy me a flat, with enough money left over to be comfortable and I would be grateful every day for the rest of my life - already retired, but renting.

Bakingcupcake · 31/08/2023 02:28

You can't just "gift" someone a million pounds, you can gift up to 3k a year tax free UK, then you have to pay tax over that, have you considered this?

HamBone · 31/08/2023 02:30

You’re overthinking this gift, OP. Your in-laws are wealthy and have one child and two grandchildren. In their minds, it probably makes perfect sense to share their money with them now, especially as your DH has struggled career-wise. Could they also be old-fashioned with regard to women’s careers and not truly believe that you personally have a good salary and pension?

Accept this gift with good grace and don’t overthink it.

shitt · 31/08/2023 02:32

You said your husband has not had a successful career. Seems like he’s been long term unemployed. He also suffers with his mental health, unclear to what extent he is addressing this.

So far, it’s not a great predicament to be in, there’s a term called “failure to launch”. His family are millionaires so can afford to pay his way. Through his own effort, he never would be a millionaire. From their perspective, they might have done this to ensure he can stand on his own two feet and might not have faith he could cope without them. It’s not a great dynamic to begin with.

yet you accepted the money.

Now you’re experiencing the problem with accepting money from parents - it can infantise you. It gives them a level of financial control over you. They know you wouldn’t have that lifestyle without them, because being long term unemployed conflicts with being financially independent. It’s probably worse because they’ve given such a high figure, so the discrepancy between the lifestyle you can offer yourself vs what they bankrolled is stark.

by accepting the money, you put yourself in a position of being indebted to them and frankly their comments are part and parcel of the situation. it can arguably come across that his failure to act in his own career is because he knows he is set for life deep down, once they die.

HamBone · 31/08/2023 02:35

Bakingcupcake · 31/08/2023 02:28

You can't just "gift" someone a million pounds, you can gift up to 3k a year tax free UK, then you have to pay tax over that, have you considered this?

I think it’s abit complicated and could be subject to inheritance tax if the givers don’t live for another seven years- but surely people as wealthy as her in-laws will have an accountant to advise them on the tax implications?

RantyAnty · 31/08/2023 02:51

Accept it and make sure your pensions are topped up with it, bills paid, have a 6 month emergency fund. Those things are practical.

It's probably wise for your H to keep working for his mental health. Lots of money, too much idle time, and mental issues make him ripe for a downward spiral into drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.