To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

[HiltonKeynes]

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

This kind of post is MN at it's very worst and says so much about the poster. It's pathetic, it really is.

I'm more likely to meet an alien than be gifted a million quid but I still think OP is entitled to post about her dilemma and I find it interesting reading about scenarios that I'm not likely to find myself in. It doesn't make my life harder or take anything away from me so I really don't get the venom.

"They are assholes" 🤣🤣🤣 did you miss the bit about them giving her over £1 million. All they did was ask about his pension. Hardly a massive deal.

It’s like walking into a room where a conversation is happening and saying “Hey, read the room! 😂

Walk past the room.

Did you miss the bit about them going on about how much OP's shampoo cost, or the bit I mention above where they ask OP how she is going to afford retirement without DH's pension?
Yeah, they gave them a million quid but I still think they are assholes. Why give the money like that and then go on to OP (not to DH notice, who has been unemployed for years)?

We are in a similar position. In laws are of a similar financial position and mindset of ‘can’t take it with you’. But they only make the comments to DH privately and they really upset him.

I think our grocery habits particularly baffle them. ‘Why would you buy prechopped onions? I could chop some for you if you don’t have time!’

DH does work hard but is in a much lower paying profession that his family members.

He also has a brother who earns crazy money but is upset about our handouts on principal (He got a house deposit).

DH is really good at what he does but it makes him feel pretty useless.

But the in-laws are always insistent our children need a bigger house etc. So far they will have given us 1 million towards housing which I am very grateful for.

But I hate the way it makes DH feel.

I understand we will be expected to help them out practically when they need it in old age and I think that will probably make DH feel better (esp as BIL is overseas and won’t be able to).

Eh? This is not a problem.

Yeah, given that OP works full time she has earned the right to buy whatever shampoo she damn well chooses. She shouldn't have to defend herself, or pour it into own-brand bottles or any of the other suggestions made.

It's their long-term unemployed son they should be hassling, not her. You know what most poor people have to do if they have MH issues? They usually have to try to keep earning regardless, because the threshold for getting disability benefits with MH issues is sky-high.

I wish I had these assholes in my life.

£1M is the maximum one can invest in a pension (I think) so invest the lot in a pension for DH, sorted. Good use of the money and rebuffs the very point in laws are making.

As for the contradictory comments - I suspect there is some triangulation going on. In laws are disappointed in (or disappointed for) their son but it's easier to deflect this into an attack on you about your shampoo etc even though that makes no sense.

she's definitely entitled to post the thread and to have whatever feelings she has about the windfall. But it's more money than a lot of people will earn in their entire working life, so a few scoffing and less than sympathetic posts are pretty understandable.

If someone gave me a million quid, they’d be welcome to come and talk to me about my pension, or their dildo collection or anything that took their fancy. I’d kiss their feet as well if they wanted. Honestly op, get the house, put money in ISAs etc and let your mil say anything she wants.

Well yeah, I could do with a million quid too. But if I had a husband who was unemployed, and had been for years, and his parents were talking to ME about his lack of pension and my very expensive shampoo, I'd be telling them to go and talk to their son. Million quid or no million quid.

I hope you paid the appropriate tax on this gift OP!

You mean £0? There is no bloody tax.

Why do people quote the OP? We can all read the OP, we know who you are answering to….. 😬

Well sure, me too, but you know what I wouldn't be doing? Whining on mumsnet about it.

Each of us has an annual inheritance tax gift allowance. This enables us to give some money away each year to our children without needing to worry about inheritance tax. The annual allowance is £3,000 per person.

Unless they die in the 7 years following the gift, the gift will be exempt from IHT, regardless of value.

They are obviously both still very much alive, so as things currently stand the tax bill is £0, and likely to remain so.

Worst of MN? 🙄.

I don't see anything wrong with what I've said, if she doesn't want the undue comments from in laws or can't deal with them or is morally against it there IS a way around it that she can take - a pretty straightforward one at that. But OP obviously wants the money and the comments to stop. But if she's raised it with them and they won't then she just has to listen to them then doesn't she ?unless she does as suggested and walk away from the money and the comments.

Exactly.

So why on earth did you ask the OP whether she'd "paid the appropriate tax on this gift"?

There is no tax to pay.

We have two school-aged DC. People who think I'm being ungrateful and entitled have missed the point. In-laws are lovely people whom I hold very dear. It's not about being annoyed by their comments. I agree that would be rather horrible after all that they've done for us. It's about the guilt these comments make me feel. Why should I have the right to this money? I don't. I came from a working class background and worked my way up. I never expected anything like this to happen. Had no idea about DH's parents' wealth until a long time after we met.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has been kind and has provided genuine advice. It is much appreciated and people have made helpful suggestions.

And yes, I have suggested paying back the money, but I can't make that decision on my own. In-laws won't take it back as they say it will eventually come to us anyway and this way we avoid inheritance tax, and DH feels the same (despite also feeling immense guilt).

You seem like a down to earth humble person OP. I think money really tests people, it can make them nice on the outside but not so nice on the inside. When you get given money it can be tied to conditions. But the giver thinks they can say whatever they want now as you are beholden to them. You could deflect and say "ive got my own money, you gave it to your son as far as im concerned." But it may not help as they may be resentful that you will emjoy their family money. It could be anything tbh. I dont have any advice but I wish you and your family the best x