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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 29/08/2023 12:13

I would take each and every shitty comment to be even given £10k!!!!

We are broke. Worse than broke. I would let all their comments wash over

BIossomtoes · 29/08/2023 12:17

I think they recommend 2mill now for a comfortable retirement.

That would generate £100k a year - that sounds more like luxurious than comfortable to me.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/08/2023 12:17

minipie · 29/08/2023 08:59

Well you could put a large chunk of the £1m into a pension for DH and that would deal with some of the comments…Maybe they are trying to ensure you both still make responsible financial choices despite the gift??

However in reality I think the gift is a red herring. If they’re the type to make annoying comments about your financial choices, they were always going to do that, regardless of gifts. At least this way it comes with a nice sweetener…

If they’re the type to make annoying comments about your financial choices, they were always going to do that, regardless of gifts. At least this way it comes with a nice sweetener…
I agree with this.
Thank them for the "advice" and make your own decisions. They are a different age group to you and things are changing rapidly. What was suitable for their finances has changed, so make sure you get current, knowledgeable advice. And check that there are no tax implications where you could get a tax bill years down the line.
Hide the shampoo and put out a Tesco's own brand when they visit and be a lot vaguer about things. It's lovely to have the gift and I hope you enjoy it but you don't have to keep justifying what you chose to do with it, even if there is pressure. Just smile and nod.
You are supporting your DH and working hard, you don't sound profligate - so if you need a decent, bit more expensive, shampoo, you should have it.

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/08/2023 12:20

rainbowunicorn · 29/08/2023 11:07

If it is having such a strange effect on you maybe you should go and read a different thread instead of making yourself look daft on this one.

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OP asked for opinions and we're giving them to her. That's what AIBU is all about, otherwise she would have posted in the 'don't comment unless you agree with me totally section'.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/08/2023 12:35

If you don't want it, send it my way.

TonTonMacoute · 29/08/2023 12:37

Longagonow96 · 29/08/2023 11:27

Oh, is there? Ds1 got a chunky house deposit and precisely zero suggestions.

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I wonder what DS1 would say...

Lostinplaces · 29/08/2023 12:40

This reply has been deleted

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Caro678 · 29/08/2023 12:43

Perhaps there isn’t as much money as you think there is? Or they feel they cannot have a relaxed retirement themselves because they are worried that they are still financially responsible for their son? They have worked so hard to be co for table and now their son seems to be taking it all for granted, unemployed for years, unable to support himself now , or potentially for the next 40 plus years of his life. They are financially responsible for him, you are both relying on them for money so you have opened yourself up to genuine questions and worries about how you will cope when they are no longer around.

I’d be very wary of relying on an inheritance to survive.

Anything could happen. They might get so fed up with his attitude that they decide to leave it to charity. Their money could get sucked up in care costs or blown in dodgy investment/stock crash. One of them could die and the other remarry and leave the lot to their new 30 year old spouse.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 12:46

I’d be very wary of relying on an inheritance to survive.

What aspect of the OP made you think this was the case?

They have already received the +£1m gift, which they have invested, and OP has a decent job and pension. So they will have no need to rely on inheritance "to survive". They are financially secure.

Longdarkcloud · 29/08/2023 12:48

Why deny your in-laws the pleasure of giving their surplus pounds to their only child?
When they disclose their worries tell them you know what they mean but DH is working towards resolving the issue.
Placed in the same position what would YOU do?

rainbowunicorn · 29/08/2023 12:49

This reply has been deleted

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Are you always so unpleasant?

Lostinplaces · 29/08/2023 12:50

rainbowunicorn · 29/08/2023 12:49

Are you always so unpleasant?

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Only occasionally when I really put my mind to it. Thanks for enquiring.

Viviennemary · 29/08/2023 12:54

Oh well worse things happen at sea.

Wheresthebeach · 29/08/2023 12:55

Your DH suffers with MH issues and his parents have gifted you £1m? And you're not happy because they are worried about your retirement.

Honestly have a word with yourself.

Serendipitoushedgehog · 29/08/2023 12:57

For the sake of that much money, sitting and listening to your in laws criticising you every so often is worth it in my opinion.

benfoldsfivefan · 29/08/2023 13:00

The 'read the room' comments are so boring. Why are you assuming we're all in the same room? MN has always attracted users from different backgrounds and different levels of income.

What does your DH think of them and the comments they make to you?

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 29/08/2023 13:05

The ‘read the room’ comments may well be dull, but you start a thread saying ‘my in laws are giving us £1m but they’re also a bit annoying’ and you can surely accept that loads of people are going to fail to see much of a downside. Especially when it's posted in AIBU.

Needmoresleep · 29/08/2023 13:17

Its not really the amount. I suspect it is not unusual for adult children to be given money and to then find strings are attached, in the form of a perceived freedom to criticise day to day spending.

BlueMonday7 · 29/08/2023 13:19

SecretVictoria · 29/08/2023 08:58

Diamond shoes too tight? FFS, I can’t believe you’re on here moaning about it. Do you realise how many people would love to have even a fifth or a tenth of that? Give it away if it would make you feel better.

There's always one🙄

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/08/2023 13:21

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 29/08/2023 13:05

The ‘read the room’ comments may well be dull, but you start a thread saying ‘my in laws are giving us £1m but they’re also a bit annoying’ and you can surely accept that loads of people are going to fail to see much of a downside. Especially when it's posted in AIBU.

Exactly and doesn't matter what room you are in, even if it's gilded in gold and encrusted with diamonds, surely this thread is still a bit lacking in awareness.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 13:22

Soubriquet · 29/08/2023 12:13

I would take each and every shitty comment to be even given £10k!!!!

We are broke. Worse than broke. I would let all their comments wash over

Me too. I'd grit my teeth for a lot less than £1m!

Nazzywish · 29/08/2023 13:23

Reject the money from them, stick to your morale compass and tell them you don't want it. Tell them to hand it out to literally everyone else that would chew their arm off for some in this climate. The shit some people worry about when there's others that can't put a meal on the table is astounding. Get your head out of the clouds OP and yes grovel to them because they're giving you their hard earned cash or stay with your values and tell them to shove it. Simple.

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 13:24

Nazzywish · 29/08/2023 13:23

Reject the money from them, stick to your morale compass and tell them you don't want it. Tell them to hand it out to literally everyone else that would chew their arm off for some in this climate. The shit some people worry about when there's others that can't put a meal on the table is astounding. Get your head out of the clouds OP and yes grovel to them because they're giving you their hard earned cash or stay with your values and tell them to shove it. Simple.

👏

knobkopf · 29/08/2023 13:29

Well yeah you should just suck it up.
But I don't understand why they gifted the money and then start having a go at you about how you are going to afford retirement with DH not having a pension. Why aren't they having a go at him for not working to get a pension?
And surely the point of the money, buying a property and investing it, is that the money can be accessed in retirement eg. by downsizing the property or cashing in investments.

They are assholes.

horseyhorsey17 · 29/08/2023 13:31

I don't understand any of this thread/post. Maybe it's just me but...

  • Why can't the son make a success of his career? Lots of people struggle with work but have to get on with it, if one job isn't going well you get a different one until you find one that you like. This is much easier if you don't actually have to earn a living to keep a roof over your head and can afford to take time out to get better qualifications. Most of the rest of us accept a degree of compromise.
  • Why are the in-laws giving you £1m but don't want you to buy expensive shampoo? That just seems massively contradictory.
  • None of you actually needs to work so why get in a state about it?
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