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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to be gifted >1 million pounds

375 replies

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 08:41

Well, I AM happy about it and immensely grateful, but I also struggle with it.

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up. However they are of the opinion that 'you can't take it with you' and have transferred us nearly a million to invest in the stock market and buy a house.

DH has struggled with mental health issues and has therefore not done as well in his career as expected. He has been unemployed for years, but never claimed benefits due to his parents' money (and the invested part of it generating additional money). He is now going back to study and hoping to make a change to his life/career. I work fulltime, earning a decent salary in a professional role that I enjoy. We're comfortable but watch our spend.

DH is an only child and is set to inherit more money after his parents eventually pass away.

In-laws are lovely, but have very old-fashioned values around 'hard graft' and saving up. The issue is that they keep making comments like: "How are you going to afford retirement without DH having a pension?" and making negative comments about the amount of money I spend on shampoo etc. I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years if we choose to live a modest lifestyle for the rest of our lives (no intention to do this though).

I find the situation very difficult. In-laws' comments about our 'lack of money' don't make any sense and I feel very uneasy about the situation. I'd much rather DH was earning a decent income WITHOUT his parents gifting us any money, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I've tried to confront in-laws about the inconsistency of giving us all this money and simultaneously making these comments but they kind of laugh it off. Only to then, next time, make the same comments again.

What do I do? Just suck it up, or is there another way?

OP posts:
TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 16:33

The excessive hand-wringing of your last couple of posts is a bit much OP...

You've accepted the money, and you can afford therapy for the guilt.

Brumbies · 29/08/2023 16:35

How old are the in laws OP?

Maltaw · 29/08/2023 16:49

I think these kind of situations are actually a little unfair on the people who are giving the money. Your in laws already give you money so I think agonising about it and only accepting it begrudgingly is unfair.

The in laws are who there are and I doubt they will change so either accept the money wholeheartedly or reject it (I guarantee you will accept it)

I think you are coming across as disingenuous tbh.

Worrying that someone hasn't got a pension isn't that bad.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 16:57

I think you are coming across as disingenuous tbh.

After having read the OP as being in good faith earlier, I agree. The last 2 posts jumped the shark a bit.

They enjoy the benefit of the money (not working for years due to MH while also living a nice lifestyle is a huge privilege, not available to most), but want to appear as if they don't want it. Her DH has also had the luxury of being able to afford private MH care for his issues, if he so chose.

If the OP and her DH feel that guilty, maybe they should stop trying to also price up the estate he'll get when the ILs die.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 17:05

On the one hand the OP has literally sat down and done calculations based on what they "will receive" (i.e. what they'll get when the ILs die):

I've done the calculations. We're early forties and with the money we have been given/will receive, we could effectively retire in 5 years

But on the other hand she is wracked with guilt, never wanted the money, and is looking for sympathy:

the guilt these comments make me feel. Why should I have the right to this money? I don't.

I have suggested paying back the money

DH... ...also feeling immense guilt).

Maltaw · 29/08/2023 17:14

I'm not sure my post was as clear as I wanted - the main idea was that you should accept the money and be happy about it and be grateful for it. It's a lovely thing for them to have done. It will make them happy if you are all happy with it!

daytriptovulcan · 29/08/2023 17:14

Dont get carried away, most of Londons housing market is still closed to you if you ve only got £1m.
Be grateful they re tuned into the needs of the next generation. A lot of affulents folks just arnt.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 17:15

Maltaw · 29/08/2023 17:14

I'm not sure my post was as clear as I wanted - the main idea was that you should accept the money and be happy about it and be grateful for it. It's a lovely thing for them to have done. It will make them happy if you are all happy with it!

I agree with this.

Stop with the hand wringing and enjoy your good fortune OP.

ItsASnag · 29/08/2023 17:26

I can help you out and take it off your hands OP

Original poster
HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 18:10

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 29/08/2023 16:57

I think you are coming across as disingenuous tbh.

After having read the OP as being in good faith earlier, I agree. The last 2 posts jumped the shark a bit.

They enjoy the benefit of the money (not working for years due to MH while also living a nice lifestyle is a huge privilege, not available to most), but want to appear as if they don't want it. Her DH has also had the luxury of being able to afford private MH care for his issues, if he so chose.

If the OP and her DH feel that guilty, maybe they should stop trying to also price up the estate he'll get when the ILs die.

That's fair. Point taken.

OP posts:
RyanGoslingsTan · 29/08/2023 18:15

SecretVictoria · 29/08/2023 08:58

Diamond shoes too tight? FFS, I can’t believe you’re on here moaning about it. Do you realise how many people would love to have even a fifth or a tenth of that? Give it away if it would make you feel better.

Agreed. I'm 37 with a terminal illness and DH is my full time carer. We are £25k behind in our mortgage so could lose our house any day and I'm worried for my husband and kids when I'm not here

Caro678 · 30/08/2023 04:02

*I’d be very wary of relying on an inheritance to survive.

What aspect of the OP made you think this was the case?*

She described in the OP that she had done calculations for their retirement including what she expects to receive in inheritance.

I think it would be more sensible to do the calculations based on what they expect to save themselves or already have in hand.

Brumbies · 30/08/2023 08:33

Charities can help alleviate the guilt. OP can just hand over £££££

M4J4 · 30/08/2023 09:20

Brumbies · 30/08/2023 08:33

Charities can help alleviate the guilt. OP can just hand over £££££

I think that’s unlikely.

It’s the same with the inheritance threads. So much hand wringing over the double edged sword of inheriting (‘I would give all the money away for just one day with my deceased relative’,) but nary a mention of giving to charity.

BodegaSushi · 30/08/2023 12:32

DH's parents are millionaires. Got there through hard work and saving up.

oh gosh, why haven’t the majority of us just thought of that, we could all be millionaires!

BasicBinaryBitch · 30/08/2023 12:41

Beetlebuggy · 29/08/2023 09:24

Absolutely this.
It's akin to telling people who post that they are struggling to pay their rent, that they are lucky to have a roof over their heads (and I have been homeless).
Having money doesn't make you worry free, it's a cliché but it doesn't buy you happiness either. A friend had her life ruined by a surprise windfall.

It's akin to someone complaining about rent being too high for XYZ to a friend who is sleeping rough, more like

Heb1996 · 30/08/2023 18:52

@HiltonKeynes I don’t really know what the problem with the money is to be honest. A million isn’t the life changing amount that it used to be. If you put half into a pension pot and the other half into a house it would all be gone. But at least it would be invested. And you would be a bit more secure for your retirement. Then if your DH does well in his new career that would be the icing on the cake. I think it’s always better to give children some of their inheritance while you’re still alive to see them enjoy it. I hope it all works out well for you. I’m sure you know how lucky you are!!

RockyReef · 30/08/2023 19:08

I am in a not too dissimilar situation to your DH except I do have a successful and established professional career BUT in a field which is traditionally not very well paid compared to comparative roles outside of that field AND I work in the public sector so that brings with it a raft of pay-freeze, no progression beyond a certain level, and pay parity issues as well. However my parents are extremely wealthy and have at times given us large chunks of money to help with buying houses (not as much as £1million by any stretch) and pay for other things as well. My father who is the one who came from old money and made a lot of money in his career, rarely judges or mentions anything to do with them giving us any funds, but my mother (who is otherwise lovely) does judge and is much more critical of us for accepting their offers to, for example, pay for an expensive hobby for two of our children. Even though they offer, if we accept, she will criticise me for it. It’s a bizarre situation in which one feels simultaneously pleased, guilty and annoyed.

They also have given my sibling far more money than me, but don’t give the regular smaller amounts as my sibling has no dependents and earns a high wage themselves. My sibling and I stand to inherit millions ultimately, and yet my husband and I struggle on with our mortgage and the cost of living (sibling was given a house worth £500k so is mortgage free), only really surviving through this drip feed of small amounts but made to feel horrible about using it. My parents could easily afford to pay off our mortgage and then we could have a lovely quality of life on just our wages alone. I completely understand that isn’t their responsibility to do, even though they essentially made it so my sibling has never had to pay rent or have a mortgage, but it would make such a difference to our lives. Meanwhile they complain they have too much money and it’s a burden to them. If I were you OP I would grit my teeth through the snarky comments from your in laws and appreciate that you can enjoy their wealth while they are still around (although I know it’s hard)!

Bertiesmum3 · 30/08/2023 19:52

HiltonKeynes · 29/08/2023 16:26

And yes, I have suggested paying back the money, but I can't make that decision on my own. In-laws won't take it back as they say it will eventually come to us anyway and this way we avoid inheritance tax, and DH feels the same (despite also feeling immense guilt).

Have you looked at put it it in trustfunds for your children if you’re not comfortable with receiving the money?

DungareesAndTrombones · 30/08/2023 19:55

If someone offered me a million quid I would bite their fucking hand right off.YABU who gives a fuck what they say if they give you a million pounds? Smile and nod. Smile. And. Nod

surreygirl1987 · 30/08/2023 20:00

Taking into consideration the things I would do for £1m, gritting my teeth through shitty comments from in laws would be one of the easy ones!

Same!

FullFatPhil · 30/08/2023 20:01

"A million isn’t the life changing amount that it used to be."

🤣🤣

FullFatPhil · 30/08/2023 20:03

I'd be all "A million pounds you say? Oh yes, my shampoo, hahaha. I know, ridiculous, I even embarrass myself. Dave? Yes he's a lazy twat isn't he, he's off to uni now to find himself apparently. Hahaha. We're useless the pair of us"

Defiantjazz · 30/08/2023 20:26

The struggle is real 😂

givemeasunnyday · 30/08/2023 20:42

What a dilemma! Honestly, if anyone gifted me that amount of money I would be so grateful they could say whatever they liked and it would just roll off my back. You don't seem to realise how incredibly lucky you are.