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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

448 replies

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:37

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 12:13

@DameCurlyBassey In general, I agree. But I wasn’t the one to raise it.

@YeahIsaidit Asking her to do anything with her will, isn't at all reasonable
This seems to be an article of faith for you. Can you explain why?

OP posts:
DameCurlyBassey · 29/08/2023 12:14

YeahIsaidit · 29/08/2023 12:10

Right she's told you what she wants to tell you, be happy with that and don't worry about sitting her down to make sure it's formalised. It's her responsibility IF SHE WANTS TO DO THAT. Asking her to do anything with her will, isn't at all reasonable

Show quote history

Despite what I have said before I think that deep down I agree with this.

Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 12:14

ConsuelaHammock · 29/08/2023 12:04

Speak to a solicitor about your mum gifting you both some of her estate. You need to do it 7 years before she dies to reduce Inheritance tax.

Show quote history

If a mother wants to make gifts she can, the idea of going to a solicitor and discussing your mother's money is vile. She might want to leave it all to her toy boy. I hope so anyway.

YeahIsaidit · 29/08/2023 12:15

Gymrabbit · 29/08/2023 12:10

YeahIsaidit

Pleas explain how it is ‘disgusting and greedy’ for the OP to think she and her disabled child should get as much money from her parent as her high earning sister and brother in law who like to spunk their money on expensive holidays?

Why mention disabled child, why the emotional blackmail? Are grandparents duty bound to provide for disabled DGCs? Why isn't the child's parents to ensure they have the care they need without relying on an inheritance? It is greedy, sure it sucks that DSis has been given money and in OPs eyes wasted it. but it isn't up to OP to tell her mother what to do, if DSis wants to ask for money and spunk it on material things that's up to DM and DSis to sort out.

OP sitting on the sidelines pouting about getting her fair share and making sure it's formally dictated is gross, she's her mother not a fucking cash machine

canavub · 29/08/2023 12:17

If you suggest to your mum she can easily amend her will without involving your sister, and she is still reluctant then I think you will need to accept that she's planning on leaving her remaining estate to you equally. Your sister would owe you nothing legally.

BackToOklahoma · 29/08/2023 12:17

I think the issue is you have a skewed view of your family. You’re under the impression they’re all nice and everything is great between you all.

The truth is your sister isn’t very nice and takes advantage of your mothers kindness/weakness. Your mother let’s her, probably to keep the ‘nice’ family dynamic that you are all kidding yourself about, knowing it will impact you, both emotionally and financially. She has relied on you not saying much about it up til now. Although your mother can absolutely do what she likes with her money, she does need to understand the consequences of treating her two children so differently.

Gymrabbit · 29/08/2023 12:17

YeahIsaidit

yet it’s absolutely fine for the sister to use her as such and you think the OP should be absolutely fine with it.

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 12:17

@YeahIsaidit I think you have a wildly inaccurate view of the situation. I’m certainly not the one treating DM like a cash machine.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 12:17

Gymrabbit · 29/08/2023 12:10

YeahIsaidit

Pleas explain how it is ‘disgusting and greedy’ for the OP to think she and her disabled child should get as much money from her parent as her high earning sister and brother in law who like to spunk their money on expensive holidays?

Because it isn't her money and no one has any right to be telling people what they should be doing with their own money.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 29/08/2023 12:18

It's awkward territory isn't it, but I don't think you are unreasonable. We've had similar where one sibling has been given money, parents have given other siblings the same amount at the same time so the final will, will presumably just be split equally.

BackToOklahoma · 29/08/2023 12:18

And you sister doesn’t care less about you getting less because she’s ok.

You need to see your family for what they really are.

TheGoodBanana · 29/08/2023 12:19

Surely the most simple and fair thing to do is for your mum to gift you that same amount she has gifted your sister. so that would be my starting conversation.

YeahIsaidit · 29/08/2023 12:19

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 12:13

@DameCurlyBassey In general, I agree. But I wasn’t the one to raise it.

@YeahIsaidit Asking her to do anything with her will, isn't at all reasonable
This seems to be an article of faith for you. Can you explain why?

Because what she wants to do with her money isn't any of your business beyond what she chooses to tell you. How can you not see that?

"DM brought it up" cool, take her at her word and leave any decisions she makes regarding HER THINGS! up to her

Iwasafool · 29/08/2023 12:20

TheGoodBanana · 29/08/2023 12:19

Surely the most simple and fair thing to do is for your mum to gift you that same amount she has gifted your sister. so that would be my starting conversation.

No the simple fair thing to do is leave the mother to make her own decisions about her own money.

YeahIsaidit · 29/08/2023 12:21

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 12:17

@YeahIsaidit I think you have a wildly inaccurate view of the situation. I’m certainly not the one treating DM like a cash machine.

Not right now no but you're very keen to make sure it's all evened out when the time comes aren't you? Envy your sister, think your mum is a muppet for handing over cash you see as wasted, but don't think you can tell her what you can do with it

Bumply · 29/08/2023 12:21

My mum gave out inheritance early to my sister after her divorce left her in financial crisis. She did the same for me as I was a single parent, although coping ok at the time.

This was agreed beforehand with the other 4 siblings, added to the will including a statement that the others agreed we wouldn't have to pay back if mum died within 7 years.

Mum lived many more years and when she did die my sister and I got a share minus the advancement

I would have been horrified if things hadn't been done fairly

Gymrabbit · 29/08/2023 12:21

GoodWillDrafting

seriously just ignore the one or two lunatics suggesting you should be absolutely fine with your sister pissing your mums money up the wall and you not getting anything.

there are some trolls on this site who revel in being argumentative and ridiculous and they should be treated with the utter contempt they deserve.

i’m not talking about people saying don’t let it upset you and try to rise above it - that’s just a different viewpoint, just the ones who declare that it’s your mothers absolute right to treat you so differently and you have no right to be upset about it….

InspectorGidget · 29/08/2023 12:22

Just to remind everyone that it was the DM who brought up she wanted to make sure everything was fair.

SafferUpNorth · 29/08/2023 12:23

I think the issue is you have a skewed view of your family. You’re under the impression they’re all nice and everything is great between you all.

The truth is your sister isn’t very nice and takes advantage of your mothers kindness/weakness.

This is spot-on. As per my post above - OP, you need to see this situation for what it is. Your sister is financially abusing your mum, taking advantage of her generosity and the 'we're a nice family, we'd never screw each other over' consensus.

In a way, the whole will thing is totally putting the cart before the horses. More immediately, what if your mum were to need ALL HER money for HER OWN CARE in the future? She's just given your sis tens of thousands of pounds in the past, with no expectation of it being a loan, what happens when her money runs out due to high care costs?

A formal loan agreement is needed.

Gymrabbit · 29/08/2023 12:24

YY BackToOklahoma

absolutely, the sister is a leech and the mum is weak and clearly has a favourite…..

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 12:25

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I'm sorry to hear that. I've never told my mum to keep things equal - at least, not asked her to give me money when she gives my dsis money. And yes, I have kids while she doesn't, and she's older (just turned 40).

There are heaps of different reasons why my dsis isn't as well off as me, some of them in our respective control, some not. I worked hard to get a degree, while my dsis dropped out of uni three times (my mum kept funding new attempts) - but since then my life has been easier than hers, and she's been chasing foolish get-rich-quick schemes in desperation. We don't get on (she went NC with me after a row with my DM) but I do feel compassion for her. Yeah, she's blown money on crazy stuff like glamorous holidays, designer clothes, trying to get in with a rich crowd in the hope of getting jobs with them or relationships to provide for herself. She's been stupid frankly. But she's also got a more severe neurodiversity than me (sorry if not PC) which she didn't get support for growing up, and she was more traumatised by my awful dad. My mum feels horrific guilt for both, which my dsis manipulates.

I always think, how would I feel when my mum eventually passes (I hope many decades from now). Would I feel any triumph in getting my "fair share" in any inheritance? No. If my dsis gets more than her "fair share" then how would I feel? Tbh, I'd feel relief that she was provided for. Relief that she won't turn to me for handouts. Hope that she'll settle down and live quietly within her means.

I can imagine if, like op, I demanded my "fair share" and then went on to see my dsis destitute (even through her own silly fault)... I don't want that on my conscience.

YeahIsaidit · 29/08/2023 12:26

Gymrabbit · 29/08/2023 12:17

YeahIsaidit

yet it’s absolutely fine for the sister to use her as such and you think the OP should be absolutely fine with it.

I'm not saying that OP should be OK with the DSis taking hand outs but sitting DM down and saying "I want this formalised, it has to be fair" is wrong, it isn't OPs decision to make regardless of what DM has told her. Life isn't fair

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 12:28

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 12:25

I'm sorry to hear that. I've never told my mum to keep things equal - at least, not asked her to give me money when she gives my dsis money. And yes, I have kids while she doesn't, and she's older (just turned 40).

There are heaps of different reasons why my dsis isn't as well off as me, some of them in our respective control, some not. I worked hard to get a degree, while my dsis dropped out of uni three times (my mum kept funding new attempts) - but since then my life has been easier than hers, and she's been chasing foolish get-rich-quick schemes in desperation. We don't get on (she went NC with me after a row with my DM) but I do feel compassion for her. Yeah, she's blown money on crazy stuff like glamorous holidays, designer clothes, trying to get in with a rich crowd in the hope of getting jobs with them or relationships to provide for herself. She's been stupid frankly. But she's also got a more severe neurodiversity than me (sorry if not PC) which she didn't get support for growing up, and she was more traumatised by my awful dad. My mum feels horrific guilt for both, which my dsis manipulates.

I always think, how would I feel when my mum eventually passes (I hope many decades from now). Would I feel any triumph in getting my "fair share" in any inheritance? No. If my dsis gets more than her "fair share" then how would I feel? Tbh, I'd feel relief that she was provided for. Relief that she won't turn to me for handouts. Hope that she'll settle down and live quietly within her means.

I can imagine if, like op, I demanded my "fair share" and then went on to see my dsis destitute (even through her own silly fault)... I don't want that on my conscience.

Show quote history

Ps @GardeningIdiot I should make clear, you don't sound anything like my sister really. My dsis couldn't care for a goldfish let alone an elderly relative.

It's your dsis, even if competent favourite, I'd accuse of grabbiness. Not you.

FlamingoQueen · 29/08/2023 12:32

I think you are right to sort it out now. When it’s too late (sorry, I feel bad saying when your Mum dies) your dsis will still be after all the money that she can so of course she will forget every single penny that she’s borrowed. I think you are in danger of ruining your future relationship if it’s not sorted because you will see it as being massively unfair and you will resent your dsis for ever more.
The other option is that when your Mum gives your sister money, she gives you the equal sum at the same time and then what is left will be fairly divided.

rrrrrreatt · 29/08/2023 12:33

YANBU. My brother has had an eye watering amount of money out of my mum as “loans” over the years, even when she didn’t really have it to give.

My financial situation is different to yours so I don’t care about if it’s written into the will - I’m significantly more financially stable despite being much younger and have a good career, he’s much more chaotic financially due to lifestyle choices and a dysfunctional relationship with credit.

I did help my mum review and rewrite her will recently though. A close relative died without an updated will abroad which has caused a huge drama and a lot of bitterness so I encouraged her to avoid this. It’s incredibly painful losing someone you love without also arguing about what they may or may not have wanted. if it’s written in a will it’s very clear what their wishes were so you can swerve some of the drama hopefully.