…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

[GoodWillDrafting]

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

It's not 'disgusting' - how OTT. Are you the OP's sister by any chance? You sound very invested in the OP being the baddie in all this.

@YeahIsaidit If the majority don’t think I’m BU, has it occurred to you that it might be your perspective that’s a bit skewed?

GoodWillDrafting

don’t feed the troll and maybe it will go away.

The only person who doesn't suck in this situation is DM. DSis is shit for taking huge handouts and not trying to pay them back, OP as she's sitting on the sidelines trying to tot it all up to make sure she gets her "fair share" and relying on it for the care of her DC when the responsibility for that care isn't anyone else's but OP and DC dad.

I understand where you are coming from but the point is it's her will and her money. It's seldom a good idea to hassle people about what's in their will. As long as she understands that what is laid down in the will is how her assets will be divided

No I'm thinking that the sense of entitlement on mumsnet is astonishing and that I feel sorry for the parents of some posters who think it's absolutely fine to dictate what should be done with the money they earned after they die.

I agree.

Your mother needs it spelt out to her that her legacy will be hugely affected by how she deals with this.

OP, however you feel now, it may sour considerably if you find your children were disadvantaged by what your mother and sister have done.

You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable about this.

This is indeed your mothers money to do with as she pleases.

But you have every right to spell it out to her.

Your sister being taken aback at the suggestion of her loans being formalised is telling.

If she was being a straight shooter she would embrace the suggestion.

I think you indeed should wake up, as suggested above.

The OP should mind her business. DMs money, where it goes and how it's spent has nothing to do with her yet somehow the majority think she'd be entirely justified in insisting DM makes ammendments to her will to make sure she gets what she feel she's owed... Disgusting

And if OPs mum was spending her money on holidays and cars for herself or giving it to charity, I’d agree with you.

But this is different. OPs mum has 2 children and is giving a lot more to one of them. As parents, we can not favour one child and expect the other to be fine with it and for it not to cause resentment. As siblings, we can not expect to receive more than the other and for it not to cause huge resentment.

OPs mum can continue as she is, of course she can. But to expect OP to not feel sad and resentful is just too much.

Nah. I'm in a similar position, honestly I doubt I'll actually end up getting a penny from my parents (who are well off) because my sister will leach it all away. I've accepted that and it's not the money, actually, it's the unfairness and the fact that my sister would happily push me off a cliff if she'd get a few quid out of it, while declaring loudly how much she loves me. Also there's a good chance she'll spend all mum's money and leave me and my other sibling to pay for her care, when the time comes.

This kind of thing isn't really about money, it's about family dynamics, which can be incredibly painful.

Hell no! I dread to think what alarming tat my DM would decide was sentimental. She has hoarding tendencies so practically anything can have sentimental attachment for her.

It's shit, I agree but OP wanting to formalise things, regardless of how unfair it is is distasteful to say the least.

I agree that siblings should be treated equally but one insisting that it's legally forced is too much. It really isn't her business regardless of how unfair it feels. You can't force it

It isn't OPs fault but the posts bringing disabled DC into it and using emotional blackmail saying "if you don't care enough to change the will" etc is awful.

It's not about the money but my god you've mentioned it a few times eh.

Except there is a thing called elder abuse .Dsis has asked for the money did DM feel she had the chance to say no.
Its a couple of big payments now. OP has a right to be concerned.

If my own mum was mad into flamingos and wanted to leave an enormous ceramic flamingo to me I'd be delighted, not because I think it would be a tasteful addition to my decor but because it'd remind me of my mum. Silly tat that reminds me of my parents would mean so much more than £££

@Luddite26 It’s not elder abuse in this case. It’s more that they’ve been in this cycle of asking for money and riding to the rescue for so long now that neither of them sees quite how dysfunctional it is.

OP - you say your sister suggested to your mum that the gift should be reflected in her will. Your mum appears to have accepted this suggestion and told you this. You all get on very well. Bring the issue out into the open. Don't indulge any fear or awkwardness by feeling scared or awkward about it yourself. This was your sister's suggestion. Just bring it up now brightly and breezily. Again, you all get on very well. You say you get on great with your sister. The three of you simply need to be open and proactive about formalising your sister's suggestion. So take the first step today. If you are not able to do this, then the reality is that you do not get on very well and you will probably need to adjust your thoughts and behaviour according to that reality. That could be painful. Either way, take the first step and liberate your family from the secrecy and perceived shame around money.

What is the reason that your Mum can't give you an equivalent cash value to your sister's now? Why does it need to wait until she dies?

@YeahIsaidit good for you. Straight in the bin for me. I hate sentimental tat. Grew up with too much emoting over Great Aunt Thingumybob's second best imitation Spode chipped part tea service.

The ridiculous thing is that Great Aunt Thingumybob was probably only holding onto it because she hadn't got round to binning it herself.

@GnomeDePlume Also, there’s a massive difference between being given a giant flamingo by your mother the giant flamingo fan - ie,
something that will remind you of her and make you smile, even if you have to conceal it behind a curtain - and having random shit dumped on you.

I cannot understand people who take the “it’s her prerogative” line and expect that to be an end to it.

it is my “prerogative” to act like a complete shit if I want to, but I can’t expect not to be called out on it, particularly people impacted by me being a shit.

one of the ways I can be a shit is how I sort out my estate planning. I could use my money to deliberately manipulate my children to do what I want - that would be shitty and they could pull me up on it.

I could also be reckless and cavalier with how I allocate my money, in a way that is clearly going to feed suspicion, resentment and lead to strife between my children - that would also be shitty and if I tell them that’s what I intend to do then again, they should call me out on it.

In this case I could create a situation where I not only have I feathered the nest of one child, but I then tell the other that it will be up to them to collect that money from their sibling when I’m dead because I don’t want to sort it out myself. That would be monumentally shitty.

Exercising my “prerogative” to do what I want with my money is not a Get Out of Jail Free card - it doesn’t exempt me from judgment. I can still abuse my position, and I can still behave thoughtlessly.

I’m staggered that anyone with kids would defend that sort of behaviour.

@JobMatch3000 I honestly don’t know whether that’s doable in terms of her liquid assets. All I know is that her pensions are healthy and should give her a very decent income for however long she lives.

Sorry if I've missed this, OP, but how old is your DM?

If it was a priority for your DM, then she would change her will. If you have to push to pursue it then I'd think you misjudged the earlier conversation.

Maybe instead of it being a serious commitment to change her will, it was a throwaway comment to potentially appease one DD (you) and ease another DD's possible embarrassment about borrowing money from her DM again (your DSIS).

Parents don't always help their DCs equally. In fact I don't know any parents who help their DCs equally. You have an expectation that everything should be divided equally and 'fairly' but that doesn't mean your DM and DSIS share that view.

@GardeningIdiot DM is 84.

Unfortunately with DM's hoarding tendencies my legacy is going to be clearing her bungalow of long abandoned craft projects and incomplete jigsaws. No doubt DB will flap about worrying that something of value that he previously missed is going in the skip.