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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL and brunch…

344 replies

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 18:58

We were at in-laws today for a brunch thing. We stayed in a hotel and live 3 hours away and we were eating at theirs before we drove home.

MIL said she’d do sausage buns so we had a very light breakfast so we didn’t fill up.

Arrived at theirs and there were 8 sausages for 4 adults and 1 child.

She split them 1 sausage each in a hot dog bun for each adult, 2 sausages for her son (my DH). Then DC was given another sausage.

Son was then offered the spare one.

So I was fed less than my 8 year old DS.

So my question is - is this perfectly reasonable or is she crazy?

YABU - this is fine
YANBU - she is crazy.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 20:27

Doesn't everyone have 1 sausage in a hot dog?

cakewench · 28/08/2023 20:28

Ah OP I'll share my story with you. I think you'll appreciate it.

DH is from Germany. We lived there for a while ourselves, and indeed lived with my ILs for a few months after he finished his studies. So I know what their eating habits used to be, almost 20 years ago, and they were relatively normal. If there's a hot meal, it's for lunch, and evening meal is abendbrot which essentially is bread machine bread (nice, seeded loaf), possibly some bread rolls, and a spread of various cheeses, meats, and a salad. It's lovely.

Fast forward to now, where they seem to have entered a competitive under eating competition where they are the only competitors. They don't get in any extra food when we visit now, despite us essentially being three more adults in the house (DS is a teen). Ok, fine, we're happy to go to the grocery store and get some cheeses and bread rolls to contribute. It's strange, because they're both retired from highly professional, lucrative careers (because I know someone will suggest they're destitute) and they raised three boys so they've some idea of how much food it takes to feed extra people.

Best example of a day, which happened before we'd reached the above conclusions so we hadn't prepared ourselves with provisions yet:

We'd had a late night flight in and the very next day, DH was off on an all-day stag gaming day with DBILs and friends. So we had no chance to go shopping, nor did I honestly think we would have to. DS and I spent the day alone with the ILs. Lunch was something small, or at least not especially carb or calorie laden (think vegetable stir fry). Totally fine, I'm not a big fan of massive meals. But it did mean that I was hungry by dinnertime.

Dinner was served. The aforementioned fresh loaf of bread was now FOUR slices of that bread, sliced in the kitchen and brought out in the basket as if it was enough for the four of us to have dinner. There was some cheese, and possibly a salami, and that was it. No salad, no other bread rolls, nothing. DS was starving so I ended up giving him half of my slice of bread.

Before you ask why I didn't ask for more bread: they'd portioned this out because this was the last of the bread, they were planning on baking a new one overnight and they assumed this would be sufficient for us.

I literally had half a slice of bread and a piece of cheese that evening. DH started texting me pictures of his fucking lovely meal out AND his fucking lovely ice cream he had afterwards and I was just so hangry it is hilarious to think about now. He got an earful when he got back later that night đŸ˜‚

We went out the next day first thing and bought in bread rolls and every other missing item in their house. They were grumpy but I couldn't give a shit by that point.

I've spoken to one of the BILs and his wife now and they've had the exact same experiences as well. It's gotten to the point where they won't stay there overnight, or if they do, they pack food and eat in their rooms so they won't have to deal with the judgement of the ILs.

So OP, I totally commiserate!

cakewench · 28/08/2023 20:29

Yikes, sorry for the wall of text there!

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:29

Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 20:27

Doesn't everyone have 1 sausage in a hot dog?

No you can cram 2 in one bun if they are little sauagages

Shodan · 28/08/2023 20:30

I have to coyly admit here that I would only have 1 sausage per bun. But that wouldn't be brunch.

(and I'd probably have another sausage on its own. On a fork. Dabbed in mustard.)

TorroFerney · 28/08/2023 20:32

Niftyswiftie · 28/08/2023 19:23

A hotdog is a bun and sausage though. What do you class as a hotdog?

It’s the different words for bread isn’t it. I’d say bap or tea cake or bread roll as a bun is for Hot Dogs usually and is long rather than round so fits one sausage. It’s a sausage butty.

WellPlaced · 28/08/2023 20:32

YABU

Maddy70 · 28/08/2023 20:32

moomoosaka · 28/08/2023 20:29

No you can cram 2 in one bun if they are little sauagages

I have bi idea how I got ti be this chunky ;)

GrumpyPanda · 28/08/2023 20:32

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 19:44

It’s the offering the extra sausage to everyone except me that got me. As I must have been filled up with the massive meal Ii’d been given!!!!
At that point I didn’t even want the bloody sausage as I was annoyed about what was going on đŸ˜‚đŸ˜‚đŸ˜‚

Why on earth didn't you make it clear you were hungry? Or at the very least, started a very public discussion with your DH about where to have lunch before driving back. Where is he in all this, anyway? He shouldn't be accepting extra portions if his wife isn't offered anything.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/08/2023 20:33

Why on earth didn't your dh share his food with you? Surely he noticed you'd been given only half of what he had?

I think it's better that your dc had a normal portion though.

pizzaHeart · 28/08/2023 20:34

I always thought that brunch was an early lunch because you woke up late, missed breakfast, was very hungry and wanted proper food not this overnight oats nonsense. (please don’t comment on this as I love overnight oats especially with Greek style yogurt and strawberries but they just don’t fit the idea of midday meal) Also it’s obviously a special day (as you can wake up at nearly midday on a workday ) so you indulge yourself in some lovely (and substantial ) food as was mentioned above.
However I’m surprised that people are arguing about definition of brunch. The problem was that there was not enough food and MIL didn’t make even a tiny effort to show that she appreciated you coming. It just shows for me how keen she is on your visits. Zero.

genesis92 · 28/08/2023 20:34

Sounds like my MIL whenever I got to visit. I'm starving most of the time. It's bloody annoying, but because she's skinny and I'm not, I feel like I can't ever say anything

DrMarshaFieldstone · 28/08/2023 20:38

Aragorn : Gentlemen, we do not stop 'til nightfall.
Pippin : What about breakfast?
Aragorn : You've already had it.
Pippin : We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?
Merry : I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin : What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry : I wouldn't count on it.

PollyAmour · 28/08/2023 20:38

Next time - if there is one - take a bag of freshly baked croissants and pain au chocolate and offer them round, keeping two of each for yourself.

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 20:38

@cakewench you win!
That sounds dreadful. It’s very hard to ask for more isn’t it!!

OP posts:
Sensoria · 28/08/2023 20:39

My MIL is like that - served DH double what she serves me. Very much of the mindset he’s the man so he eats more.

Bellyblueboy · 28/08/2023 20:40

My parents are I. Their seventies and are also obsessed by portion sizes, calories and what weight everyone is.

they constantly tell us they are cutting back - constantly host how one tin of soup does both of them for dinner. They are wealthy so that isn’t an issue.

my mum is a six eight and constantly grabs her stomach saying she can tell she has been over eating.

I have gotten so concerned about their attitude to food that I have started to research eating disorders in the elderly.

their doctor recently told them their diet was far too restrictive and they need to eat more.

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 20:41

@Stompythedinosaur he got 1 bun and 2 sausages đŸ˜‚đŸ˜‚đŸ˜‚ then was offered the 3rd sausage.

TBH I think she crackers and this is all very light hearted. I wouldn’t hope I’ll never treat my DIL like this.

OP posts:
iheartminizoos · 28/08/2023 20:41

Sounds rubbish, but at least you will know to eat before for next time. If someone says they are making brunch etc, I would expect more effort than a few sausages and rolls. If I offer to entertain I make sure I over rather than under cater. However, I do find it a strange dynamic that nobody spoke up. They could easily cooked some extra eggs /tomatoes/beans surely? My husband can be a bit weirdly formal with his parents sometimes which can be irritating at times!

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 20:43

@Bellyblueboy MIL is a bit of a fashion queen, always has lovely dresses on and looks quite glam. So I do suspect she restricts what she eats. FIL does what he’s told and eats what he’s given.

OP posts:
Oioicaptain · 28/08/2023 20:43

Yes, but your husband, her son needs extra food "cos ees been owt t' work and tis thee man of the 'ouse!" And everyone knows that men should eat twice as much, as us mere wimin. Especially when it's meat. As for your son, he's a growing lad! Whereas you should eat much less to preserve your figure, for the benefit of the man of the 'ouse. It's very straight forward. Those are the rules.

TooBored1 · 28/08/2023 20:45

Annaishere · 28/08/2023 19:04

Brunch is between breakfast and lunch so it wouldn’t be like a meal

I thought it was INSTEAD of breakfast and lunch, so 2 meals rolled into 1

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 20:45

@iheartminizoos I’d say weirdly formal describes the relationship here too.

DH looked in the fridge and there wasn’t much there. We didn’t feel like it would be okay to supplement the food offering.

Fortunately we always have a snack bag when travelling which was put to good use today!

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 28/08/2023 20:46

In fairness, men do generally need more calories than women.

however; this is for individuals to regulate. Men should not be given more food by host or restaurants.

hosts should always be generous (finances allowing), portions should not be stingy unless there are financial constraints. Leftovers can always be reused.

Nikee20 · 28/08/2023 20:46

@Oioicaptain I’d say this is it. She didn’t work, hubby did!

OP posts: