To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

Jeez I remember my first ever niece being born and rushing to meet her , if my sibling had done this they have totally damaged the window for a bond . Be it on your own head .

Sorry. This

@Daisy5011 you’re not thinking straight and this idea would hurt real people in your life.

Oh aye, a reasonable response is to expect people to have their own babies...

Why not just message and say please can people wash hands and not kiss. That would be more reasonable, understandable and less over the top.

Your other kid will have a lot more germs than most adults. Even if not at nursery, presumably you go out to parks, play areas and groups where kids lick everything.

NC fail, OP?

I think a text is probably not the way to do it. It's a bit like a press release. And saying except for grandparents makes people think Oh so there are exceptions then.
Just tell people face to face in a matter of fact way that you'd rather not pass baby around just yet. That's all you need to say. Its your baby. If they go on say you've had friends whose babies have had infections etc... and the midwife's advice is to get the 8-week injections done before too much handling. If they argue, smile and wave and make a mental note to see them after the injections. Then you wouldn't get all the aggro.
I don't think people should make a grab for a newborn anyway, I didn't like it when people (not close to me) grabbed them like they were toys, and I also had a friend whose baby was kissed by a person with cold sore virus and was in hospital.
Have DH briefed to back you up and you should be fine. Ask Grandparents to help too... and maybe just have visitors in small amounts rather than all at once. No need to go into long explanations. Its your baby.

Totally up to you but I can't imagine what germs your family will have that you and Grandparents don't? Unless you've missed out a whole section about medical issues you will cause offence but that's okay if you are happy with the inevitable fallout.

If I received that message, I would lose interest with your baby news very quickly and not be bothering with visiting at a later date and wouldn't be bothering with a card or present.

Oh, and you wouldn't be invited round to me once my babies are born.

Jeez judging from some responses - you'll be "alienating" the people you should probably be dropping anyway OP!

You are batshit and will be deliberately alienating people who want to love your baby.
I have nephews and nieces and I would have been so hurt if I was told I couldn't hold them until they were a few months old.

Yes, when my niece was my SIL almost died. She was in hospital and BIL was back and forward between her and the baby. The baby was discharged and my dh had to look after her for almost two weeks with BIL until the situation was more stable.

She's 17 now and dh definitely loves her more than any of the rest of the nieces and nephews!

How about texting:
‘everyone leave gifts on the front step, then fuck off. Cheers.’

You're not birthing the Messiah and relatives aren't lowly shepherds and Magi ordered by the Archangel Gabriel to come and haze upon the Holy Child (and bring gifts, obviously).

Please. Ask anyone close to you who is/has been ill in the last week or so not to hold the baby. That's just standard practice. Otherwise ... you can't wrap your newborn up in cotton wool. When my ds was born his sister was almost 3 and just started at nursery. He was born in September. She caught a cold at nursery and passed it straight on to him! He was ill within a week of being born! It is normal and all babies need to start building an immune system from the outset. It is well known that first born and only children are more likely to suffer severe childhood illnesses - even as severe as cancer I'm afraid.

By and large, exposing babies to germs is a good thing and really essential for the development of their immune system.

Do you realise you are more likely to be helping your child to develop allergies through this approach? Will your older child also not have contact with the outside world in order to prevent contamination?

Nope, not an NC fail-I’m a completely different person who has been in MN for years under different names. I just wanted to tell OP that her responses made me laugh-which they did and that she should do it her way. Sorry if that seems unlikely!

I think the people assuming OP is suffering from extreme anxiety are being rather overgenerous. Most of the posters who want to give these edicts are only suffering from extreme self-importance/too much time on the internet syndrome.

Hi OP, post natal OCD and anxiety here! This sounds very familiar and reflective
of me at my most batshit. No judgment, I’ve felt very similarly before but perhaps have a think about whether this level of anxiety is normal. Very reasonable I think to provide hand sanitiser pre-cuddle (most normal folk would wash their hands anyway) and ask people to postpone if they are unwell (what dick would visit if they were peaky anyway) but a message clarifying limits on holding the baby is perhaps a bit alienating. I don’t think you actually need to say anything, just don’t hand the baby over if you don’t want to. I very, very, very rarely offered either of my babies for cuddles as I was a bit batshit (see above) but also they are tiny people, not teddies. Not once did I run into ‘give us a cuddle’ awkwardness. It wasn’t a thing. Even less so with my second where people are far less excitable. Good luck to you.

Definitely do it if that's what makes you guys feel most comfortable. My last baby got a really horrible cold on practically day 1 from family holding him - made our first week or two very hard, baby struggling to feed as couldn't breathe through his completely blocked nose so kept coming on and off the boob, which caused a hell of a lot of pain for me too. Due another baby in a few weeks and am sorely tempted to do similar to you. Just not worth it. Plus, those who wouldn't bother coming if they couldn't hold the baby - sounds like a good thing to me, it'll weed out the selfish gits who dont actually care about you and your baby's health and wellbeing, but only care about cudding a newborn. 🙄
Hope all goes well for you.

Are the grandparents gifted with a special immunity that nobody else has?

@Daisy5011 people are being mean. You can do whatever you want and if you were my friend I would happily still come to see you and have a cup of tea and chat, I wouldn’t refuse to come if I couldn’t hold the baby! I had a friend who’s mum did this during covid, said if she couldn’t hold their grandchild then she wasn’t going to come and see them/her. Arsehole.

If you felt people were taking your baby off you too much last time, we’ll done for standing your ground this time.

Gently, OP can I suggest a chat with your midwife or GP?

Your anxiety is outside what would considered normal. I hope everything goes well for you .

I don't understand this. Most people are normally more chilled with their second child. When my eldest was born, I asked my Mum who was a smoker at the time to refrain from smoking before cuddling my Son. She understood completly. I did suspect I was being a bit OTT but their are risks associated with smoking and SIDS. I don't understand why 2 months is the magic number for you? It just comes across as a bit neurotic.

This was quite common in my maternity group during covid. More specifically kissing or asking people to wear masks. Covid is still around and you have every right to be protective over germs but that should include GP too
Personally I didn't want anyone visiting anyway (I have no interest in dropping on new parents either, and tend to meet after a few months)
I assume you just want people to come and see you? otherwise the simplest thing to do is just say Baby has arrived were getting settled into new family dynamic and will catch up with you soon. Then when your ok with playing pass the baby invite people round for afternoon tea party.

For the person with medical background (can't recall username) you will be aware of what RSV or coldsores can do to a newborn then. I also have a medical background, as do many of my family. Not sure what your point is!

Assuming you mean me (with the medical family - although hard to be sure as you can't recall who you're aiming your comment at so what hope have we merr responders) my point is that what you're doing is not normal. It's not best practice. It's not common amongst medical personnel. They don't all see what happens to their patients and thus decide not to allow anyone other than grandparents to hold their newborns.

If you're going to send that message then own the fact that you're doing it out of illogical anxiety (because you are, understandably, upset by the experiences of a couple of people you know/know people you know) and not out of some sort of superior knowledge unaccessible by the rest of parents who go around flinging germs at their newborns with wild abandon.

My MIL gets cold sores. We just made sure she didn't have one before seeing the baby. We didn't ban other people from holding the baby in case they had a cold sore. That's what a proportional, logical, rational response is to the threat.

Why don't you ask your midwife what she'd suggest?

Surely if your trying to avoid viruses, you’d say no visits, full stop. I don’t need to hold your baby in order to pass in viruses.

I think the message is fine - good to set expectations and explain your reasoning for doing so, so that people are aware that it isn't just them.

I wasn't worried about people holding my baby but everyone is different and you're entitled to protect your baby in the way you feel is best 😊