To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

[Daisy5011]

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

I don’t want to hold a baby so I’d be fine with it

Did anyone else just sit through friends and family holding their babies? No bizarre texts sent out? No rules to follow? Just thank you for coming, love the baby bro? My first born was handed to my eight year old nephew and I sat staring at them terrified. I glanced furtively at my husband and he was just smiling at taking pics of them whilst in my mind I was going mad. He’s going to drop him, he’s going to suffocate him, I am sitting here waiting for my baby to be killed!

Anyway, nothing happened. Second baby, I was handing him to all and sundry and third baby, if someone could have whipped out a boob and fed him, I would have been ‘cool’, I’ll sit here with my cuppa and please put the jam after the cream. Ta.

I don't particularly think it's batshit. Why should a friend's (NEED?) to hold your baby come before the health of the baby? Even if it's 'low risk'. A newborn doesn't want to be passed around like a game of pass the parcel. They want their mother/father.

I've met plenty of newborns and didn't feel compelled to ask for a hold!!

By all means have words with your visitors as it's your baby, your rules but a formal text announcement is bit OTT.

I think your wording sounds fine but I would discuss your intentions with Doctor or midwife. I’m not sure about babies and viruses but I wonder if it’s better for them to be exposed to visitors in order to build up their immune system? Like I said I don’t know if this is the case but you don’t want to end up doing more harm than good.

I don't expect or assume that I'll hold someone's new baby. But if I was sent a pre-emptive email like that, I'd probably keep out of the way and think they were being precious. It's horribly awkward visiting people who are on edge and have 'rules'. I'd be worried about unwittingly doing something else 'wrong'

I wonder if some of your anxiety is coming from the fact that you felt so overridden with your first child when you were feeling vulnerable, rather than the infection risk specifically.

It kind of stays with you and things you wouldn't mind when you aren't insanely post natal will still sting long after the event.

When my Son was small his Dad used to take him to have 'their time', but shoved him in storage round his Grandmothers house and fucked off out, that still upsets me now and he is 11.

A friend of mine has a Father who is clingy with the new babies in his family and her Husband still feels upset that he felt so pushed out by him now and their child is in Junior School now.

People do actually get quite territorial over other peoples babies in the name of bonding, even though the parents are the only ones that actually need to bond with a small baby. This will be a thing for ever and ever, new babies make people discard of their manners and new parents are expected to not mind even if they do.

I'd be 'recovering' for a couple of weeks and then maybe have someone in your house come down with COVID or something so have to isolate.

Hey OP, just to offer some reassurance. My DC1 got very ill at 3 months old and I blamed myself terribly as they were passed around like a parcel over the course of a few days whilst visiting family and friends. DC1 ended up in hospital with meningitis symptoms and needs a lumbar puncture. Doctors eventually diagnosed a bad viral infection “likely picked up from someone they knew”. It was completely traumatising and I vowed I’d never let it happen again. I felt so out of control and it set me off on a terrible start to motherhood.

Second time around I considered sending a note like the one you have drafted to friends and family. DC2 came home and it suddenly dawned on me that I was now a parent with 5 years experience under my belt and I felt capable of managing any situation with authority as and when it arose.

I had a few friends message to ask how I was doing and if we were accepting any visitors to see the baby. Lovely messages from lovely well meaning friends. I just said I was still recovering but I’d let them know as soon as I was ready and I was looking forward to them meeting the new baby. Literally nobody had an issue with this.

With family I didn’t immediately pass the baby over when they arrived. I let them have a look and when I felt comfortable I asked if they’d like a hold. The ball was always in my court. I also politely asked if they wouldn’t mind washing their hands before holding the baby which again, nobody had an issue with.

I totally understand your concern with everyone grabbing at the baby. It’s a horrible feeling and one that sat with me for a long time after DC1 was a lot older. But truly, second time around I felt so much more empowered to make decisions in the moment and trust my instinct.

We did get a message from this from my SiL. She had happily held my newborn DC 6 months earlier - I handed her round - oldest DC needed cuddles too and I wanted a hot cuppa! It felt to be frank like a kick in the teeth to get that message. I would never ask for a cuddle, never take a baby off her or pass her to someone else, turn up ill etc. but would have had a snuggle with DN if offered. I wouldn’t have expected a cuddle if DN was unsettled, clingy etc. Had I come round and my SiL said sorry DN is a bit unsettled, I would have drank my tea and accepted it. It was the fact that even sending the message to me said I don’t trust you.

I would think twice about sending it and find better ways to manage it.

Will the older child be allowed any contact with the new sibling? That's probably the biggest source of germs etc..

Bizarre behaviour

Amazed at MN bat shittery? Are you new to the site? It's the biggest source of nonsense on the planet!

I agree with this. If you don't want them to hold the baby because of your fear of 'germs' then basically you are saying no-one is to visit for the same length of time. Guaranteed way to lose some friends, because it isn't a reasonable request

Though I do get it is your baby, your rules. Just be aware how it will be perceived by others and how it may impact on future relationships

I’m going to assume that the baby’s older sibling is still going out and mixing with other children, So I can’t see any point in restricting other people getting close to your baby, when the majority of germs your baby is going to be in contact with will come from their older sibling.

I think that you wont get the same amount of visitors with your second child, generally it is only of interest to grandparents anyway. So I would say no need to send text.

I'd be glad to receive your message as I don't like babies so it would be the perfect excuse to not visit!

It's a good thing the grandparents are magically immune from passing on 'germs'

I'm back. Thanks for the replies.
To the couple of posters who were very annoyed by my reference to "baby" as opposed to "our baby" or "the baby", for the purpose of this thread, baby shall henceforth be referred to as "DBaby". No. I prefer "DaBaby". I hope this is less annoying for you.

I wasn't asking if I should allow everyone to hold DaBaby. I just wanted some advice on how to approach/word it. We're not going to change our minds on lots of people holding and passing around DaBaby.

Fortunately husband, sorry, DaHusband and midwife are OK with it. My GP and PHN have no concerns about my mental health. I feel OK. Pretty good, really. If I'm struggling after the arrival of DaBaby I'll seek help.

I might not bother with the text and try and deal with it on a case by case basis with the help of a sling. And of course, by putting DaBaby in a hazmat suit. That way all of the heartbroken relatives who have just spent a fortune in M&S won't have to wear them, and we won't need to install a glass screen. Or put my other child in a care home as per previous suggestion.

Finally, to the posters who get it, said they would understand and not disown DaBaby and I, and those who have had the unfortunate experience of having an very unwell tiny baby, thank you for the kind words.

Now, I must go and bleach the fence, I'm sure I heard DaPostman sneezing as he passed by earlier.

This is very well written.

I think people would be put out by that message to be honest. I do see your point though!!! I would have hand gel by the door and insist when people arrive they use it, and do say ‘if you’re ill or have a cold sore please wait it out!’ But I think people would really want to meet new baby and hand gel would be my go to. I’d also probably put baby blankets etc that have been passed round in the wash! Congrats x

I’d probably not send the text op, and like others said be recovering for the bit of time then maybe consider a sling for when visitors are over and just don’t offer a hold😂 most won’t ask if you have the baby on you and they are content. I think people are being a bit harsh with you, I had two babies during covid and although I did let family hold them, I did ask for handwashing and I wouldn’t have let them if anyone was visibly ill. I think it’s common sense really 🤷🏼‍♀️ I understand your concerns as I was the same! I’m pregnant with my third now and it will be the same again, if anyone is openly Sick they won’t be welcome and handwashing also. Everyone has different risk thresholds but I am quite cautious myself so I get it, especially after having a nicu baby!

This. And who is to say the grandparents won't be the ones carrying the germs?

Can posters stop suggesting OP has anxiety and that it equates to acting "batshit". No matter how "gently" you word it, it's a condescending, insulting armchair diagnosis. Give it a rest.

Never understand the people who think a cuddle with a baby which has no personality or interest in your existence is more important than your friend/family member that just birthed it 🤯

I don't mind the message, I wouldn't expect to hold a newborn given both my two biological are pandemic.

However, it won't stop the germs. My friend managed to give my newborn a horrific bug by just visiting with it.