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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

422 replies

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:01

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

OP posts:
Arthriticmiddlefinger · 28/08/2023 19:49

Wow lots of people piling on a soon to be new mum and calling her all sorts, for wanting to protect her baby. She asked for help with the wording, not for nasty comments on what she’s doing.

Anyone that says they’re not visiting unless they get to hold the baby (note: BABY, not a doll), can wait however long you and your DH take to feel comfortable with it @Daisy5011

Aranas · 28/08/2023 19:50

Captainobvious35 · 28/08/2023 19:48

I guarantee that with even the loveliest friends, family and in-laws on the planet, this will not go well for you. They might pretend it’s all fine but you’ll definitely make them think you’re unhinged/controlling/gone a bit weird and I’d expect most of them to make comments behind your back. The biggest risk to your newborn is your other child.

No, there are some of us who would respect someone's wishes without giving them a nasty label or stomping our feet at not getting our own way.

SquirrelFeeder · 28/08/2023 19:50

MollyRover · 28/08/2023 19:45

@SquirrelFeeder your info re coldsores is simply not true.

It IS true! I've been through it myself. I had a team of doctors - one came from Manchester - Guiding me through Labour & birth and answering every question I had.

notnowpls · 28/08/2023 19:50

I'm so confused. Are you being serious?
My DD is 4 months now (5 months in just over a weeks time) and people have been holding her since she was 3 days old and she's perfectly fine. Hasn't even had a proper cold yet.
I think you are making a mistake.

Boomboom22 · 28/08/2023 19:52

Do you not have abrother or sister? Your comment about uncles and aunts was weird, most people would let their sister as well as their mum hold their newborn.

JustAnotherCheeseburger · 28/08/2023 19:52

I would go with the posters saying just no visits while you settle into having 2 children. Then arrange visits (and accompanying cuddles) when you're ready. Plus this is your second child, so you might find you don't need to worry too much about early visits (we only had immediate close family visiting and just saw others with our second child at the same time as we'd usually see them, so could have been months later)

Fallingthroughclouds · 28/08/2023 19:52

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:23

Yes a couple of months anyway, maybe longer. First vaccine is at 2 months for whoever asked.

Thanks for the replies. Hard to keep up with them all. I don't really care if people think I'm batshit.

For the person with medical background (can't recall username) you will be aware of what RSV or coldsores can do to a newborn then. I also have a medical background, as do many of my family. Not sure what your point is!

A friend of mine, and a sister of a friend of mine have both had small babies end up in ICU recently with viruses. I'd rather avoid that, and if I can take small steps to do so I will.
All for exposure and immunity building once baby is a little older.

It's totally your choice. After reading this I had a better understanding, so maybe include something like this in your message.

Sunandnomoon · 28/08/2023 19:52

“Or maybe we'll go lion king style and just hold baby over our heads for everyone to look at. But not hold. We have a small balcony, it would be perfect for that.”

😂I love your sense of humour.

Your baby, your rules. I’ve always found the whole baby holding ceremony a bit weird tbh.

Hyppogriff · 28/08/2023 19:53

Maybe just don’t see anyone for 8 weeks then . Bit odd .

MollyRover · 28/08/2023 19:53

@SquirrelFeeder there's a difference between HSV1 and 2. You're referring to 2. HSV1 is transmissible via saliva.

Saracen · 28/08/2023 19:53

I think your message is fine, and so is your stance. I am the opposite to you in terms of approach to germs etc, but you should do what you think is right.

Haven't RTFT after everyone started piling on, but one tactic I've heard others have used with success is keeping their small baby in a sling. Apparently would-be cuddlers do realise that it may be difficult to remove a well-bundled baby from the sling to pass her around, and they won't get a chance to lean in and plonk unexpected kisses on your child either.

Good luck! I hope all goes well for you.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/08/2023 19:54

I'm sorry, but I think it's really weird that you would prevent your family holding your baby. What an odd decision.

Ineedasitdown · 28/08/2023 19:55

I would be more than happy to oblige you op, I don't think there is anything wrong with being overprotective of a newborn. If my DM was your mil she'd wholeheartedly approve.

Im not sure Id send the text though-I'd probably subtly not hand the baby over once they're here. Any questions and id explain then. its a bit more natural than a text and an announcement.

Lookitaahhh · 28/08/2023 19:56

Ha-Daisy, your responses genuinely made me laugh out loud-I love your sense of humour!! You have to do what is right for you and your family and if others don’t like it, that’s up to them. I would hope that people who genuinely care for you will accept your decision, even if they have a different opinion.
Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and enjoy baby once they arrive (sorry I realise that I didn’t help with your question whatsoever just wanted to share how much you made me guffaw!) 💐

Cowlover89 · 28/08/2023 19:57

If that's how you feel then your grandparents shouldn't either.

PollyAmour · 28/08/2023 19:57

Your baby, your rules.

Cowlover89 · 28/08/2023 19:58

I allowed people to hold him when he was days old.

Cowlover89 · 28/08/2023 19:58

My son*

Theredjellybean · 28/08/2023 20:02

I wonder how on earth you think you are going to stop your toddler/first child from touching the new baby, kissing the baby, leaning over and breathing on the new baby - all with their lovely gorgeous germy toddler breath/kisses/grubby little mits ?

You sound rather health anxious and if you do manage to keep your baby in a completely hermitically sealed bubble for 2 months they will effectively have no more developed their immune system than the day they were born so you may not be doing them any favours

You are going to let grandparents come but you say you are sending this message to on laws ? so is it only your parents who will be deemed clean enough ?

momonpurpose · 28/08/2023 20:02

UpaladderwatchingTV · 28/08/2023 18:07

Like PP said, nothing wrong with the wording, but unless your new baby has health problems anyway, in which case no one other than parents should be holding him/her, then I think you're being a bit weird and over protective!

I agree

SataumaMeddler · 28/08/2023 20:02

This reply has been deleted

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ForeveraBluebird · 28/08/2023 20:03

Do whatever makes you comfortable Op, though I’m sure asking visitors to wash their hands would suffice. All the best to you and your new arrival.

ZolaBudd · 28/08/2023 20:04

Don’t send a text.

JenniferBarkley · 28/08/2023 20:04

OP I think your assessment of risk is way off tbh, that may well be because of anxiety or another issue.

Yes, some babies will catch something and get very sick and even die. But that is very very rare. You mitigate it by asking people to wash their hands and not visit if they're ill, not by keeping a healthy baby from their loved ones.

Some babies are injured or even die in car accidents, you mitigate it by using a suitable car seat and driving safely, not by staying home and never leaving the house.

The number of terrifying things that can happen to our children is enormous and largely out of our control, but they still need to live a life regardless.

If one of my friends sent me that message I'd be very very worried about them.

ZolaBudd · 28/08/2023 20:04

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/08/2023 19:54

I'm sorry, but I think it's really weird that you would prevent your family holding your baby. What an odd decision.

This
but a text ahead of time even odder

you’ll lose mates