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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help wording this message to in-laws/friends

422 replies

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:01

We have a baby on the way. With our last DC i was really uncomfortable with everyone holding and passing around the baby. This time I would like to be more assertive and just make it clear that no one will be holding baby until he or she is a little older and stronger. Probably a couple of months anyway. Exceptions for grandparents only.

I can say this to my family and they will accept it. I think my in laws/friends will too but I just want to put it in a text to them first before any visits happen so that it isn't awkward in person, or that I don't just back out and say nothing.

I would tell DH to do it for in laws but I think he might be a bit clumsy with his wording.

Just to add, both my in laws and my own family are lovely people and I'm lucky to have them, it's not about being possessive of the baby, just trying to avoid things like RSV, coldsores etc that could be very serious for a newborn.

What is the best way to word the text?

I was thinking of something along the lines of

Hi, looking forward to you all meeting baby. Just to let you know, we've decided its best if no one holds baby for now other than grandparents, as there are so many viruses going around at the moment. Just want to give him/her a chance to get a bit stronger first!

Is that OK? Open to suggestions on message.

OP posts:
NeedTheSeaside · 28/08/2023 19:34

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 19:25

Mary and Joseph had all kinds of folk visiting their baby, and he was born in a stable. Hardly sanitary conditions.

@MissHarrietBede

i bet the donkey had a lovely smooshy cuddle!!

Ennyyy · 28/08/2023 19:35

My goodness OP, ignore the nasty little as of work saying you won't get any interest as it's your second. Either a lot of bitterness or some real self-importance issues there! Decent people who care about you won't put "cuddles" first or dump you because it's your second and not as exciting. 🙄

Ennyyy · 28/08/2023 19:36

Ennyyy · 28/08/2023 19:35

My goodness OP, ignore the nasty little as of work saying you won't get any interest as it's your second. Either a lot of bitterness or some real self-importance issues there! Decent people who care about you won't put "cuddles" first or dump you because it's your second and not as exciting. 🙄

*pieces of work, thanks autocorrect

felisha54 · 28/08/2023 19:36

It's completely OTT. Just tell them when it comes to it. You're creating drama when there doesn't need to be any.

SquirrelFeeder · 28/08/2023 19:37

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/08/2023 18:08

For babys immune system and overall health, we want to wait for all baby jabs and vaccines to be administered before we are comfortable with baby having close physical contact with a large number of people, so will be limiting their immediate exposure to grandparents only for the first X weeks/months. We appreciate this may be disappointing because baby cuddles are great, but we want to do what we feel is in our babys best interests, thankyou for understanding.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

princessrapunzel · 28/08/2023 19:37

I had the same with my first, he was passed round alot with not even a word to me and i was such a people pleaser i didnt ask for him back and it made me so anxious.

Ive got stronger and with baby number 2 i had no visitors at all for 2 weeks and it made such a difference. Maybe hold off on the text and see how you feel once youve had the baby, you can tell people you not ready yet and hold off until you feel comfortable. The 2 weeks allowed for my recovery and to be strong enough to put my foot down when i wanted my baby back.

Just as everyone says though, 2nd baby noones really interested. I had barely anyone and even family are alot less interested where as there was an obsession with my first born, its definitely not so intense which is nice... and baby wear!!!! It eased my anxiety so much!

GRex · 28/08/2023 19:38

It's all a bit much really. Precocious messages will just annoy everyone. Arrange dates for visits after the baby has 8wk jabs for anyone who isn't close family sibling/ grandparents, for family check if anyone is poorly and ask to rearrange. Then generally and pretty much forever (because you won't care less age 8 even if it's less risky) just look at someone's face for coldsores and privately say "I hope your coldsore isn't too painful? Please remember not to touch X's skin directly to avoid passing on, thanks".

katepilar · 28/08/2023 19:38

Are you worried about viruses or are you just not fond of everyone holding the baby all the time? Were they really annoying the first time round?

Sarvanga38 · 28/08/2023 19:38

I’d just be relieved I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in it, but yes - excellent way to alienate those who are.

SquirrelFeeder · 28/08/2023 19:40

ParentPerson · 28/08/2023 18:14

FWIW OP, I would’ve said you were overreacting before I had a really bad experience with my second who we let F&F hold from birth. They contracted something very nasty early on (completely healthy at birth) even though we asked people to wash hands and no kissing faces. Long stay in hospital and was VERY unwell.
If I had another I would put in the same rules, however bat shit it made me look.

How on earth do you think we have some many people on this planet?! We were all babies once and most survived a few cuddles 🙄 What happened, whilst very upsetting, was likely nothing more than a coincidence.

Redmat · 28/08/2023 19:41

I'll just tell the infertile member of my family to get on and have her own babies shall I ?
Nuts.

Aranas · 28/08/2023 19:41

Sarvanga38 · 28/08/2023 19:38

I’d just be relieved I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in it, but yes - excellent way to alienate those who are.

Edited

🙄🥱🤦‍♀️

DrySherry · 28/08/2023 19:41

I do wonder if you will be posting on here again in the future - complaining that friends and family aren't interested in engaging with you and your child. Seems slightly odd behaviour to me, but at the end of the day it's your decision and I'm sure everyone will respect your request. Being a bit odd seems to be fashionable these days so don't over think it.

MissHarrietBede · 28/08/2023 19:42

I remember Shirley McLaine visiting Africa, and she was with some village women, and a newborn was passed around these women, who each spat in the baby's mouth.

SquirrelFeeder · 28/08/2023 19:42

Daisy5011 · 28/08/2023 18:23

Yes a couple of months anyway, maybe longer. First vaccine is at 2 months for whoever asked.

Thanks for the replies. Hard to keep up with them all. I don't really care if people think I'm batshit.

For the person with medical background (can't recall username) you will be aware of what RSV or coldsores can do to a newborn then. I also have a medical background, as do many of my family. Not sure what your point is!

A friend of mine, and a sister of a friend of mine have both had small babies end up in ICU recently with viruses. I'd rather avoid that, and if I can take small steps to do so I will.
All for exposure and immunity building once baby is a little older.

The cold sore virus risk to newborns is only if the mother has an active outbreak during birth. I don't mean this to sound passive aggressive but this level of anxiety is worrying. I went through pre & post natal anxiety - crippling, chronic anxiety and it went completely untreated and ended up essentially stealing that first year with my baby, from me. Don't let it win

CherryPieMadness · 28/08/2023 19:43

All the posters belittling you is pretty mean and nasty.

It’s only now in retrospect that I realise that new born babies are in fact pretty vulnerable to infections from other people, in a way that an older baby isn’t. There is some immunity if you breast feed, but you are in no way being OTT or ‘over anxious’.

So ignore random strangers putting you down. Do what you like and if family put you down, they are being mean and nasty as well.

SquirrelFeeder · 28/08/2023 19:44

@Daisy5011 Why did you post on here? If you're already so steadfastly determined to deprive your family & friends of bonding with your newborn, then why ask if you were unreasonable? Genuine question

MollyRover · 28/08/2023 19:45

@SquirrelFeeder your info re coldsores is simply not true.

tiredmama23 · 28/08/2023 19:46

If uncles and aunts want newborn cuddles they can have their own babies.

😳
Wow. I personally couldn't wait for my sisters to cuddle their new niece. But each to their own, I guess.

Technonan · 28/08/2023 19:46

I would say, if you don't want the advice, don't ask.

tiredmama23 · 28/08/2023 19:46

NotMadeOfStone · 28/08/2023 19:25

If aunts and uncles want newborn cuddles they can have their own babies 😮

I would be fucking heartbroken if my sister thought so little of me, our relationship, and the relationship between me and my niece or nephew.

Same!

SunWorshipping · 28/08/2023 19:47

If you don't want people to be around your baby don't have people visit, just see your in laws, then once you decide you are OK to have people around then have visitors. I think it's a bit weird to say "come visit, but please don't go anywhere near the baby". I'm not a fan of pass the baby either, so I just didn't have many people visit, to be honest I just couldn't be arsed with people coming round to sit and drink tea to meet the baby. I had my 3rd child during lockdown and it was amazing, people just came to the door, said congrats, handed a gift (I didnt want or need gifts, though it was kind) then they stood 1m away, chatted for 10min before leaving. 🤣 I'd have loved that with the 1st 2 children.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/08/2023 19:47

Just put the baby in the sling. Sorted.

Cornishclio · 28/08/2023 19:48

It sounds like you have quite severe health anxiety. Did your elder child catch anything from being held as a baby?

I cannot see how you could word a message without people thinking you are very anxious or bonkers so I would just put off visitors until you are comfortable with it. You may get pressure from grandparents too as presumably you have siblings and close friends who may want to hold the baby? Just ask them not to come if they have any viruses and most people surely would not visit a newborn if they had anything catching.

Captainobvious35 · 28/08/2023 19:48

I guarantee that with even the loveliest friends, family and in-laws on the planet, this will not go well for you. They might pretend it’s all fine but you’ll definitely make them think you’re unhinged/controlling/gone a bit weird and I’d expect most of them to make comments behind your back. The biggest risk to your newborn is your other child.